Entries Tagged 'navigating the unknown' ↓

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl. 

word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point. 

The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate. Continue reading →

imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling

pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon. 

this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better. 

and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it. 

have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating. 

and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it. Continue reading →

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys. 

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that. 

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly. 

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out. 

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed. 

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twenty five year old midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak. 

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so I’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?

for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations. Continue reading →

break my heart a little wider open, so the whole world falls inside

so. i am 25. which may seem like nothing to many, seeing as many of the people in my life have seen and bid farewell to 25 years ago. but it is weird. twenty five and single. and hopelessly clinging to the idea of ‘the one.’ with no actual prospects, and no idea how to take my own advice about finding the one. 

i was never one of those girls that planned out at what age she would get married, or have kids. in fact, whenever i tried to think of anything after college my mind was black. i have no idea in what city i will be married. what my home will look like. what he will look like. where we will raise our children. where we will honeymoon. what our ‘how we met story’ will sound like. or, really anything. 

but in my desperation to believe that there will be someone that fits the unimaginable picture i have been noticing some sad (?) behavior on my part. i tend to obsess over these little things about boys that i meet and add these little things to the image in my head of my perfect mate. but these things are oddly normal. and i wonder- why do i place such ’should be expected’ things on a pedestal? why isn’t the image of my perfect mate comprised of huge values and characteristics? 

for example. why do get overwhelmed with love and emotion when i see a man wearing a wedding ring. and my first though is “oh, thank god, he believes. he believes in commitment, and relationships, and love.” i mean, fifty percent of people are married. why is THAT my first thought. or meeting a guy who has gone to couples therapy. why is my first though “oh i love that he gets it, and wants to make it work.” or the guy carrying the bouquet of flowers on the train during rush hour. or the guy in a band belting out about the one that broke his heart.  why to i long so deeply for these little silly things. things that one should expect from a partner. at least should believe she deserves. 

maybe its because i have dated emotionally unexpressive people. leading me to live breathe and die for any small sign of affection. or maybe because i fall for the unavailable people in my life. or maybe because i am not used to admitting, to myself or anyone else, that i have emotional needs. maybe it is because i haven’t seriously dated anyone in geezus two and a half years. but whatever the reasoning, i can’t even imagine what it is like to date someone who gets it. who lets himself fall. i don’t even know if i remember what it’s like to be in a relationship. and i know that i haven’t really experienced what it is like to be with someone that wants people to know that we are together, and that could not imagine being with anyone other than me. a guy that expresses feelings. HAS feelings. embraces feelings. BELIEVES IN LOVE. 

so here i am, at twenty five. feeling SO FAR BEHIND in the dating game. how am i supposed to imagine a life of marriage and babies and love and commitment when i can’t even imagine having a boyfriend. someone who wants to see me as much as i want to see him. and can and will tell me that. 

twenty five. in a new city. with a million friends. and no dates. no mutual connections. and no idea how or where to even begin. 

would you meet me in the windy city
when i come down from the sky 

everything I touch turns to shit. everyone I try to love won’t hear of it, now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give. does anybody want it? does anybody want me?

ok. so, i suppose i should address the issue of the ‘pathetic and miserable dating life’ tweets that have been filling the universe lately. while i’d like to write about how i am happy in my singlehood and not having a pity party for myself… um that may be a little false. i am officially frustrated. do NOT read this as desperate, please. i’m not. i know everything is going exactly how it is supposed to. 

that being said, what GIVES. i would not ever consciously say that i am in a dating drought. cause a) i would LIKE to believe that i could be dating someone this very second if ’someone’ is who i would like to be dating. and b) i don’t really like the concept of dating just to date. so i’m not looking for just dating as sport. 

BUT. if i WERE i feel like i COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. sigh. there are some weird differences with chicago and SF in regards to dating. in chicago, i couldn’t go to a bar without being approached by a dude. 90% of the time said dude was absolutely not anything i wanted to deal with, but he was there. predictable as always. and when i went home without a number, or without giving one, i honestly believed it was my choice. and friends in chicago. well i had my close group of friends that understood, loved, supported, cared about and embraced me. and i met a million guys that never would get me. and that was life. and i was used to it and it was predictable and i could read it and plan for it.

but here. i feel like im playing a totally different ball game. like rugby. or something that looks like a game i know but has a different accent and different rules. in SF i have friends, a shocking amount, that GET me. like the real me. and love and support and understand and embrace all that is steph. but guys. well. um. i haven’t been approached by one. let me check my brain. nope not one. again. this is NOT pity party. this is rational observation time. that is all. Continue reading →

well i guess you left me with some feathers in my hand. did it make it any easier to leave me where i stand? why’d you leave me till i’m only good for… waiting, for you. 

it’s all a game. and usually i’m ok with that. but recently, it’s just really been annoying me. i was speaking with a friend the other night. a friend that i have gotten to know because he has had a girlfriend(s) most of the time we have known each other. and therefore, his main focus is not sleeping with me, but just getting to know me. so we had our first analytical talk of the dating game. and his thoughts, though unbelievably clear, haven’t been sitting well. 

we discussed the ‘levels’ of the dating game. show interest/connection. create an event that jeopardizes that connection (fully knowing that your ‘connection’ will pull through thus intensifying it) then show vulnerability. and boom. they are hooked. and you can get to know one another, and date. or end it if you so desire. 

so i said to my friend ‘but how do you know if they are interested back?’ and he said, well, ‘they just always are.’ and this is where i am hung up. maybe its his confidence (cough cough) that got me thinking. or his assurance that the levels of ‘dating’ are the sure fire way, but it just seems off. like ingenuine, or something. to play that game without ever wondering if they will like you back. at what point does the ‘level’ of making yourself vulnerable become just that? a level, and the vulnerable part becomes only symbolic of actually being vulnerable? Continue reading →

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy. 

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing. 

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know. Continue reading →

snails see the benefits, the beauty of every inch, so why why why you so quick to kiss?

so, i was having a conversation last week with a friend, one of those honest saviors of the dating world, and he is newly back on the market (you chicago ladies have something majorly good on your hands) and i asked him if he was going to get his mack on at the bar that evening. and his response, perfectly simple, “eh it’s not about macking as much as i could let it be. i mean i could go out and get my swerve on if i wanted but that’s not really my style.”

and of course i said i loved that it wasn’t his style. and he said that he was bringing dating back. and respected certain milestones in relationships. and i was oh so in love with our conversation at that moment. 

it also reminded me of something a teacher at my friend’s all boy high school told him once “if you like a girl, don’t kiss her right away.”

and wow. how perfect. dating is supposed to have milestones. and we have somehow created this hookup culture that bypasses all these milestones. but the thing about the hook up culture that that it was created because we want real/lasting/satisfying relationships, but don’t know how to get there so we might as well “have fun trying.” and yes, i’ve talked about this before… but i think we need to analyze the old milestones of dating as a way to remember how good they were. Continue reading →

we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information. 

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this. 

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right. Continue reading →