i am, um maybe, um, not interested in you romantically?

and i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, no i don’t want ambivalence no more.

so i’ve got a ton to write about, but after a friend called me today stressing about an encounter that he had with a girl this weekend i knew i needed to start here.

girls are bad at rejecting boys. ok. that’s way to general of a statement. but after this weekend, i realize that letting someone know that you are not interested in them is much more difficult than boys give girls credit for.

i will say, now with more certainty than ever, that i am not good at letting a boy know that i am not interested. and most likely i did not realize that he WAS interested until i’ve inadvertently acted overly fun and friendly, cause that’s just who i am.

maybe it is my own fear of rejection- i can’t bring myself to inflict that on someone. maybe i’m a coward and preach honestly and ownership of feelings but don’t practice it. maybe i attract very confident boys that can’t imagine me not being into them. but i seem to get myself into the predicament of needing to let someone know i’m not interested, um, way too late. but being blatantly honest that i am not interested is ridiculously hard.

and i have two theories on why it is hard. they both apply to me, but the latter i think applies to hetero dating overall.

so, yea, i write a relationship blog, mostly about my single life. and my possible desperation, possible fear, probable longing and definite dreaming of meeting the one. and i’m now on the radio, soliciting dates from cute boys with beards and bikes to anyone that will listen. and that’s me. i’m single. though i despise to say it, some would call me flirty. i’m hopelessly romantic. gregariously extroverted. defective in my need for privacy. and impossibly picky.

i do believe that sometimes the most crucial personality aspect, impossibly picky, is often (apparently) buried deep deep under all the former stephisms. but. it. is. the. bedrock. of. who. i. am.

one of my employees said something to me that was so simple, yet so profoundly right i had to take a moment to process it. he said, “for someone so low maintenance, you sure are picky.”

well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. stephdub to a tee.

so what’s this mean? it means that when my emotionally open, carefree, fun-loving, compassionate, easy to relate with, outgoing personality is paired with my propensity for meeting new people constantly, talking about my single hood, and DESIRE for a date- we have a recipe for disaster.

the girl that, if you don’t know her well, is ASKING for dates, but has a problem telling people that she is not interested in them.

and this is a problem because unfortunately we have this saying, and belief in our society that beggars can’t be choosers. therefore, if i am asking for a date- who am i to be picky enough to want to be attracted, physically and mentally my date? that is, apparently, too much to ask for. but as my amazing sales person girlfriend says, “if you don’t ask, the answer’s always no.” duh. so YEA. i am asking for my cake, and i SURE AS HELL am going to eat it too. AND just because i’m asking for it does NOT mean that i am desperate for it.

until then though, i do believe that i will have to become more comfortable letting people know i’m not interested. breaking hearts if you will (says my new and non forgiving group of friends who like to laugh at others’ hardships. ;)

there it is. i am open about my desire to meet the one, and all of my trials and tribulations in dating, thereby attracting many more (than maybe normally would) boys to try and hang out. and sometimes i see it from a mile away. and sometimes i am way too far into what i think is friendship and then i get wimpy and freak. i freak because i most likely care well enough for the person as a friend, just am not interested romantically.

but like my friend said today. he’d rather know. rejection is better than not knowing, not showing, or not going.

the OTHER thing that just doesn’t help my cause is that we live in a heteronormative society where masculine and manly roles are not only present but expected to be enacted. and in dating, these roles include being the initiator. it’s the norm for the guy to ask the girl out. it’s expected. and i will go as far to say that it’s expected for him to be aggressive in his pursuit. well, an aggressive guy is much more difficult to turn down than an non aggressive one. especially to someone that just wants to be nice and lovey and caring and not mean.

so, in the car today i was thinking about the fact that boys should just wait for girls to show them that they are interested. and i thought about the fact that i am often the initiator/have no problems tellings boys i like them.

until i realized that was the old me. that was the college aged stephdub. that was pre crazy schema creating relationship that created the “play it too cool” stephdub.

so i’ve talked myself into a contradictory circle. i have a problem telling boys that i’m not into, that i’m not into them. but i have a problem showing boys that i am into, that i am. ummm, can i get a whomp whomp?

and there’s a shadow in the sky, and it looks like rain, and shit is gonna fly once again, and I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but pathos has got me once again…

immediate and unrequited attention

did i ask you for attention, when affection is what I need.

attention. it is a basic human need. physical and emotional, attention serves many different purposes in our everyday lives. as adults, it makes us feel recognized, understood, listened to, cared for, important, validated, worth something.

but attention plays many different roles in our lives, depending on what stage we are in. it is also exhibited in vastly different ways throughout the different times in our life.

at infancy, attention is human touch, feeding, shelter, etc. during childhood attention is being listened to, and given boundaries, and being formally taught information. and then there’s adolescence. in adolescence, attention is what gets us through those testing and awkward times of growing and learning through experience, trying and making mistakes, or succeeding. it gives us confidence to wake up and keep going. even though everything is telling us that it is too hard. and since adolescence is so difficult, the previously acceptable levels of attention that we received from our parents throughout childhood really don’t cut it anymore. so our needs meeting mechanisms kick in and create ways to get us as much attention as we possibly can. enter the annoying attention needy behaviors so easily identifiable in teenagers’ actions.

well, the majority of teenagers that make it out of adolescence alive move into another stage of life where attention is needed and demonstrated in a different form. this usually moves into physical and sexual attention. then it transforms into emotional attention. and, ideally, when we find a person that meets out physical and emotional attention needs we usually make some sort of commitment to that person, formal (marriage, if legal, ugh.) or informal (long term relationship, living together).

once we move out of the “get it at all costs, from any and everyone” attention neediness phase of adolescence, attention becomes a commodity. and to get it, you must (should) give it. hence actual relationships. the giving and receiving of multiple forms of attention. commitment to give to someone with the expectation that you’ll also receive. usually, if in an adult relationship one gives more attention than receives (costs/output outweighs the benefits/gains), there is some form adjustment in the relationship to fix this. hopefully in the form of open and honest communication of needs and mutual agreement to work at equal levels of giving. to survive, a (healthy) adult relationship must must must have two way giving of attention to meet each other’s needs.

where the hell am i going with this? right here.

much like in my one way relationships theory, social media and social networking sites are messing with naturally created mechanisms that foster healthy and sustainable relationships.

essentially, social media sites provide an avenue for receiving immediate and instant attention. and as all of us longer time twitterers, or facebook status users can attest to, the feeling like someone is always there listening, caring, and paying attention (giving us attention) is addicting. why is it so addicting? because, theoretically, as an adult we no longer need to give attention to get it. now you may believe that by following others’ status and goings on we are giving attention back. but i will argue that really it is just a passive act of being present on the site that ‘gives’ the attention. therefore it does not take effort or energy. (and you may WANT to give attention to friends and followers, but the act is not necessary)

in principle, this is what we call a win-win. i feel like i am listened to, and cared about, and validated without you having to do anything but be technologically present. and vice versa. so what is the problem in my crazy head, you ask?

the problem is that this immediate and instant attention gives us a false understanding of reasonable levels of attention giving and receiving in our real life romantic relationships. and the more followers on twitter that we have, or the more friends on facebook the more easily attained the attention and the more skewed our view on mutually acceptable levels of giving attention.

here is a blatantly explicit example:
gina (i honestly don’t think i currently know any ginas so this choice of name is to show that this is a completely hypothetical example) is a smart and very attractive woman. she is also very successful in her career, volunteers at the local homeless shelter in her spare time, and models for an organization aimed at breaking stereotypical norms of beauty (though, she is classically beautiful). on top of all of this, she is an entertaining and articulate writer and runs an engaging blog. now… gina clearly has a lot of followers on twitter (i use twitter here because following can occur one way, where as other sites require mutual relational agreement). she is what i would call one hell of a catch. people want to know what the pretty, successful, do-gooder is up to at all times. so they follow. and she engages with her audience (strategic use of the word, yes.) by asking their opinion on which new ipod she should get, or encouraging them to donate to her favorite charity. she is lively and entertaining.
well gina meets a boy in her city that she really likes. so they go on a few dates. and begin getting a little more serious. after a while they become exclusive and things are going well. then gina and boy reach their first ‘we care therefore we fight’ argument.
boy had some friends come in from out of town last minute and needed to postpone plans they made to go to the movie she’s been dying to see. boy explained that his friends were only in town for one night and he really wanted to see them. he promised to go to the movie the next night. gina was so disappointed that she tweeted out to see if anyone wanted to go see the movie with her. she many responses and ended up going with a guy that had been following her blog and on twitter for quite a while.
boy was then upset that she went out with another guy. she explained that she didn’t think that he had any right to be upset, since he broke the plans with her. and they ultimately broke up.

here we have it. the unconscious inequity of the give and take of attention in a relationship. the relationship ended because gina didn’t want to give (understand boy’s situation) as much as boy needed, so she tweeted out that she needed a companion to the movies (attention) and immediately got what she wanted. thereby, completely enforcing in her brain that she was not out of line wanting boy to spend the evening with her. and proving that if he wouldn’t give her the attention she desired that someone else would.
at this point, gina had no need to have to give attention (understand her boy’s request) to actually get it.

obviously, this was all unconscious. but see how easy it is to get addicted to an unrealistic amount of constant and immediate attention?

this constant availability of ‘free’ (no need to give to get) attention is defying the very mechanisms in our brain that encourage, foster, and regulate healthy relationships.

and this is all happening without thought.

leading me to the ever present, ever appropriate question….so, what now?

keep doing it wrong, keep singing along.

the digital relationship trap

a wake up call to a rented room sounded like an alarm of impending doom. to warn us it’s only a matter of time. before we all burn.

it’s funny. ten days from now will mark my one year san franniversary. one. whole. year. one year since i left everything i loved in search of adventure, newness, and ultimately, love.

and here i am. one year later. coming down from the whirlwind that was the last 12 months. but there is something funny about where i stand right this moment in life. people ask how in the world i moved across the country to a city where i knew no one but the person whose couch i would be living on (whom i had previously met only twice before.). how did i meet people? was it hard? how did i quit my job and leave all security? how could i afford to be unemployed for months and months? wasn’t it scary not knowing anyone? and when asked these questions i would answer in the only way i knew how – no it wasn’t scary. i felt like it was something i had to do. meeting people came oddly easily (and hell have i been lucky with the friends i’ve come up with so far). being unemployed was difficult for what it was- unemployment in a recession.  but it was exactly what i needed to do for me.

so here i am, in the come down period. the settled in my own apartment working for the number 3 best fortune 500 company to work for with a great group of friends and stability period. but, well, here’s the thing. stability isn’t something i really place much value on in my life. cause in the last month, the most stable and unwavering month in the last 12, i’ve been in a rut. many things have contributed to this down period in my life. a few of which i have now identified and of which i will proceed to give you a detailed description.

as you can see in my archives, sf different from chicago. different from everywhere. in so many ways. and i have had to navigate these foggy bay waters by using the only method i know- talking about my experiences. and gathering perspective. and as often is the case, sometimes an outside perspective can be much more insightful, understanding and um, validating. this past weekend i got all of those things after a long and grounding conversation with a friend that was in town visiting. he and i talked… and he ‘got it.’ whatever ‘it’ is about sf that makes me feel like i am on a roller coaster riding the peaks and valleys of life and love in this city.

san francisco: the social experiment of the nation (i absolutely cannot take credit for the most brilliant analogy this side of the mississippi, for @ryanmcminn is the genius that helped me articulate this theory.) san francisco is filled with some of the most brilliant and innovative people in the world. we (and i say we not to call myself brilliant but a) to not point a finger, and b) for sake of ease) are socially five years ahead of everyone. i mean come on- every social networking site is based here. we get to test the new hot site, adopt it, obsess over it, and ultimately affect our relationships in a zillion ways we do not care to contemplate before smothering every part of our lives with it. all before oprah’s done any endorsing. because by the time anything has oprah’s stamp of approval we, the proud citizens of san francisco, have participated in the clinical trials. allowing the founders of the new and innovative social networking site to adjust for optimal performance. thereby making it usable for the everyday non san franciscan american.

so here is what i have found. about me. about my friends. about my dating life. about living in one big social experiment. i let myself slip into this weird isolating place of social awkwardness. i met this amazing group of friends and i got to know them, and showed them who i was. and became close with all of them. all of which was followed by following them on twitter, and becoming friends on facebook, and seeing what they chose to tumble everyday, and you know… participated in the trials. so i was seeing my friends all the time when i was unemployed. for the obvious reason- i had a lot of time on my hands. but also, because an important part of successfully moving across the country is building new relationships and that takes effort. so i put in all this effort. and made a huge group of amazing friends.

and then i got a job. a job where i defy all san francisco logic daily- i get to work before 7am. thus putting the ca bash on the very alcoholcentric weekday social life i had grown accustomed to. which is fine. i like my job. though, unconsciously more than my foursquare check ins and alcohol consumption levels were dying. so was the authenticity of my relationships with my friends. but i had no idea. because i was following their every move on twitter and facebook. cause they are my friends, and i genuinely cared about what they were doing. and if i couldn’t be there to experience it with them cause i had to rise at 5:30am, then i’d ‘follow.’

but i got to the point where i stopped wanting to make the effort to go out to meet people, even when it did fit into my schedule. i stopped wanting to make the effort to go hang out with my friends. what? i mean, that doesn’t make sense. but i began to focus on how awkward it would be to see them and have nothing to talk about. and why wouldn’t i have anything to talk about? because i’ve been following their lives digitally, and them mine. and i ‘knew’ everything they were doing… so there wouldn’t be anything new to talk about. because seeing my friends at the bar turned into seeing passing acquaintances. by following their every move online i was taking the connection out of our friendship. i was going through the motions. and i found myself with all these good friends that TURNED superficial because of social media sites.

this is the opposite of what people usually talk about when they talk about ‘friendships’ on the internet. they say, “do you even know those hundreds of people you are friends with on fb, or following on twitter.” “you can’t know them all, those must be superficial relationships…” well. i did know them. and had the false sense of continued friendship when i stopped seeing them in person because i was seeing them online.

so, for a million reasons i took some time off from the digital. and reevaluated my life in the analog. hence the 6 week long posting hiatus here. and here is what i’ve come up with:

i like my friends. i like them IN PERSON. and i like TALKING to them about what is going on in their life. not (just) reading about it online. i don’t care if i have to hear it twice.

also, i thrive on meeting new people. i am at my best in any relationship before twitter handles are exchanged and facebook friendships accepted. because connection and common ground are being sought… not merely maintained.

and as for my dating life. i need to keep it analog. i need the energy and excitement of face to face connection. i need to have no idea what you did all week because i want you to TELL me about it. i don’t want to read it. believe it or not, i want to TALK with my friends. and potential boyfriends (uh, what are those again? yea, that is the status of my not so love life).

so. here it is. a million aggregated thoughts on where i’ve been the last 6 weeks, how i got there, and where i am going from here on out.

system reboot in three…two…one… now.

and the news reports on the radio
said it was getting worse
as the ocean air fanned the flame.
but i couldn’t think of anywhere  would have rather been
to watch it all burn away.
to burn away.

desperate or scared… beg for it, or run from it?

but there I go again, wishing never solved a problem.

last weekend i was talking with a friend about a pretty common website. and the writing done on that website. and though it is a common website, the purpose of it is not inherently good. and in postulating how or why one would write such ummm not positive energy stuff my friend (one that i am just recently getting to actually know) says to me, “i mean, let’s put it this way- i read your writing, and [the writing on that site] is exactly the opposite of your writing.” and at first i was like, ummm, what’s that supposed to mean? and my friend went on to explain.

he said, the thing about your writing is that you put yourself out there a hundred and ten times over. you are genuine, and honest, and transparent, and open. about yourself. and it is enjoyable in a world where we preach transparency on websites and to companies, it is rarely done in such a way that is so … real.

and i was, obviously, immensely complimented. but it really got me thinking. sometimes i write on this blog my rational theories and logical ramblings. and sometimes i pour my guts out. and honestly, i forget that people not only read these blabblings, but identify, and think that i have something to offer. and i guess, if i had one hope of what someone took away from this blog it would be just that- that i am an open, honest, genuine person just navigating my way through life and love like anyone else. and i am not better that anyone for any reason.

so, as i sit in the coffee shop where stephdub.com was born, on a friday afternoon, i will, once again, pour my guts out.

i just finished reading this novel, “all we ever wanted was everything.” and all you really need to know about it is in the title. a common phase that’s meaning never affects me less than the first time i heard it. and i will admit that this week i watched my first and last episode of this season’s the bachelor. it was the finale. and i watched follow up where are they now (6 weeks later) special after.

and while watching the bachelor i, of course, started bawling. i mean b.a.w.l.i.n.g. for a million reasons. first for the cookie cutter ‘perfect’ love that i feel i may never have. then for feeling inadequate for not being as perfect as their love showed them to be. then for feeling sorry for myself for not having that in my life right now. then for feeling desperate. and then i continued crying for the mere fact that i was bawling over the bachelor and over my newly acquired desperation for love.

and this week. it’s been interesting. i have started having complete break down moments in my apartment, by myself, just crying. feeling a complete hole in my heart. and in my life. where i am ready for someone to be. and last night, this break down turned slightly overwhelming. and i just became petrified.

petrified of being desperate. and then thinking that in reality i am absolutely not desperate. because i am in fact petrified of meeting someone. of letting someone in. of becoming vulnerable. i used to throw myself under the vulnerability bus in my last relationship. i would feel and tell him how i felt. and he would tell me that i was feeling too much. i would want to talk about things. finish fights right then and there. and now, i watch people on tv, and friends in my life react to relationship situations and i think. that was me. i did that. and now, no way. now, i’d walk away. now i’d shut down. i was never the ’shutdown’er. i was the thunderstorm of thoughts and emotions. and my boyfriend was the shutdowner. would just tell me to leave his house when we had a fight (i’d want to finish it right then and there).

and so there i was- having a total total rock bottom emotional freak out. unable to decide if i am desperate for love and affection, or petrified of it, want to run in the total opposite direction of it. and, well, that’s where i remain. completely overwhelmed with my bipolar thoughts feelings and emotions. realizing that i have never been here, at this interesting moment of single life. (this month it will be three years of single.)

(and about to enter to holyland of hookups- SXSW. maybe this will help? :/ )

if you wanna get big time, go ahead and get, get big time. ah, ah… oh, give and give and give it, until you just can’t give no more.

competition just doesn’t fit

you would seem so frail in the cold of the night when the armies of emotion go out to fight

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now.

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?).

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it.

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating.

so, merge this realization with my recent dating apathy, and we arrive back at one of my major all time truths of dating and relationships- there is something so inherent and human and animalistic and feeling filled about love, romance and attraction that one cannot help who he/she is interested in, falls for, or loves.

see the thing about competition(v.) (rather, the act of being competitive) that just contradicts all of the above is that it implies that the competitor has some influence on the outcome of the ‘competition(n.).’ and love and dating just don’t work like that. we are human, and though we (americans especially) place rationality on an impossibly high pedestal, feelings and emotionality play and EQUAL role in everything we do. and no matter how competitive and rational and calculating we become, none of that fits into dating.

so here i am, in my apathetic state, thinking that trying to get some one’s attention and trying to convince them to like you (whether it be at a bar, or someone you may know and like more intimately) is just um, well, to be blunt, pointless. you can’t help who you like, and neither can they.

and even more importantly. i am really beginning to understand that, with very few exceptions to the rule, at this age, if someone IS interested in you, they will most CERTAINLY make it clear in a way that you are sure to hear (all this without ever reading nor seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’). we are adults, and though we like to conveniently forget this fact (especially in regards to accountability), we are remarkably good at going after what we want. therefore, there seems to be no room, nor need for competition, of any type, in dating.

so forget this cruel world where I belong, i’ll just sit and wait and sing my song. and if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.