i can be optimistic and sad at the same time.

i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked.

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared.
as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection.

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction?

why is it that the romantic feelings make rejection and misunderstanding so much more terrible. and terrifying. it took me well into my adult life to accept that some people are just not going to like me, ever, no matter what i say or do. and that was a hard lesson. but that lesson applied to romantic interests is torturous.

i’m the biggest believer in the universe and that things are going to be how they are meant to be. and that ultimately, we as dating humans cannot help who we like. so what is my problem? why am i, personally, so scared to like someone? well, rephrase- why am i so afraid of the rejection that comes with liking someone romantically that does not feel the same way? this is a huge case of cognitive dissonance. i believe one way, and act another. i act out of fear- i do not let my self ‘fall for’ or open up to potential romantic interests because i am afraid of being rejected. but i know, honestly, that it is not me personally that they are rejecting.

i guess that doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t still hurt. whether or not it was purposeful. actually, that is another lesson i am working on in my adult life. allowing myself to feel something like sadness or pain even if i understand completely why the person that sparked those feelings did what they did. so in my crazy brain i know and understand that we can’t help who we like romantically, and therefore do not allow myself to be sad about the fact that someone may not like me back. but it just sucks. ok? this is not a pity party.

opening up is hard and scary. and it sucks to find someone that you want to tell everything. that you want to want to know you. and they do not feel the same way. it hurts. it’s saddening. it makes you question your worth. your direction.
so that’s that. i know it will come to me. and i know the person that comes with that love will want to know everything about me. and will understand, or try, or accept everything that i am. and will be as excited to see me as i am them. and think that i am as smart and funny and cute and enjoyable to be around as well.

but that doesn’t mean that i am not allowed to feel sad, or frustrated, or scared in the mean time… okay?

i know the last page so well 
i can’t read the first 
so i just don’t start 
it’s getting worse

the connection that knowingly leads to heartbreak

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal.

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.
through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit.

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into.

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic.

my basic question i guess is why is it so hard for me to open myself up to possible connections with people who ARE available to me? i mean don’t i preach at length at how all ever want in life is earth shattering connection? so why do i only allow myself to make such connections with unavailable people. i suppose the only answer is that i’m scared. maybe of rejection. cause when an available person and connection with that person don’t work, i will inevitably blame myself. but at least with connection with unavailable others i can blame something else. like a significant other, or distance, or whatever. and i can get over it and move on.

but for a million reasons these connections seem to a) keep popping up in my life, and b) tend to be really really real. they tend to be so real and intense because neither involved has any other agenda than pure genuine openness because we know that we are not getting to know each other in hopes of dating. cause circumstances make that irrational, unreasonable, and unavailable. and we are OBviously a culture that does not value anything else.

its a catch 22 (shocker). i could open myself to connections with people ‘available’ and become extra vulnerable in the beginning of possible relationship (because i may be rejected). and may never find this connection which equals MAJOR rejection. or i can have an amazing connection with someone for a moment in time that will inevitably end (so i tell myself- all while actually letting myself be consumed by the romatical feelings that this might work, that love might prevail and the impossible become reality).

i have just put my foot in my mouth. seeing as i (ugh) apparently love and value vulnerability. no. i just like vulnerability when it is genuine AND used with the intent to connect. but what i hate about the vulnerability in the above catch 22 is that it is also one way. cause i have to open up nearly everyone not knowing if they will like me back, or open up back, or connect. and because some people just don’t like some people. i will say that certain people i open up to will NOT like me and connect. rejection on a mass scale.

so what is worse. having connection that ends because of something totally out of your control, or being closed off to a possible connection that may not end because it may never happen (rejection).

this is hard. i’m confused. still. usually i end unconfused, talking through my thoughts and theories and craziness and boom, i feel better and resolved. but this one is different.

what is worth more: vulnerability or connection? save face (not be vulnerable) and create an awesome intense connection that will end in heartbreak… or become vulnerable and alone in hopes of creating connection that will last but never knowing if it will lead to actual connection or just rejection.

is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? or is the heartbreak that comes with a connection ended just cruel punishment?

help. it’s possible that i cannot help myself on this one. because i am addicted to the unavailable connections (cause they are real, and genuine) but know and love the value of vulnerability.

dear chicago,
you’ll never guess. 
you know the girl you said I’d meet someday? 
well, I’ve got something to confess. 
she picked me up on friday. 
asked me if she reminded me of you. 
i just laughed and lit a cigarette, 
said “that’s impossible to do. “

social media and my obsessive need to find info that i should not know …

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets.

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy!

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed.

after finding myself spiraling into planning my marriage to a boy i’ve never met this weekend, i have come to the conclusion that social media sites encourage and foster an unhealthy one way relationship that may just lead to setting unrealistic expectations (read: let downs, sadness, and heartbreak).

nowadays we are able to, really, find out just about anything we want to know regarding someone and their standing in our lists of “perfect partner qualities.” i will not reiterate my love in a time of social media post, however, the ability to check of the boxes on our lists based on information that we learned via social networking sites really just encourages the the one person rise up the relationship ladder (read: me literally super sad that my girlfriend met my ’soul mate’ last week in chicago and because he lives there he and i are not able to get married. what.?!.) now, how did i know he was my soulmate?

well, first and foremost, she told me that i would love him. and, let’s be honest, thats probably enough ;). but she then began to *list* the reasons why. (see aforementioned examples of things that possibly make up someone’s list). and then she sent me his blog. and THEN it spiraled (love in a time of social media, again). and next thing i knew i was starting at pictures of him on myspace whilst reading his about me and wholeheartedly feeling heartbroke because he lives in another state (one i just moved out of!!) and therefore i will never be with the love of my life. . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

nothing. he fit, quite perfectly, all the things on my easy to check off list. but, oh yea- we’ve never met, may never meet, live across the country… and he likes my girlfriend. so what now?

i’m left feeling sad, undesired, and like i will not find the one boy in SF that owns coffee shops, women’s vintage clothing stores, internet start-ups, music venues, and owns and fixes photo booths. but in ACTUALITY, it has nothing to do with him as a person at all. because i don’t know him. and, honestly, i shouldn’t give up on the san fran smart entrepreneurial chuck wearing 5 o’clock shadow having photo booth loving sensitive boy who believes in ‘good people’ and midwestern values all while riding his bike with his buddy holly glasses population- lucky 13 has to have at least one that will fit my needs.

but until i find him, i’m making a conscious effort to NOT turn into crazy myspace stalker girl, sabotage my dating life, and quickly and easily find ‘box’ checking info. even if it is flaunting itself in my face waiting for me to find.

so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen…

the average guy- savior of the dating world

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.

so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.

i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).

so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.

and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.

so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.

so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak.  we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.

and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.

chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).

romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.

so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).

so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long,  and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.

so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.

so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.

call, break it off. call, break my own heart… maybe i woulda been something you’d be good at. maybe you coulda been something i’d be good at. but now we’ll never know.