June 12th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
| No Comments »
i know i might be anxious, but im still not crazy…
so, there are things that we do to get over a break up, heart break, crush, or any other relationship or almost relationship that does not work out the way we hoped planned or wished for. (yes there were a lot of variables in that sentence)..
some people chalk it up to him being a jerk, some to her being a ’floosey.’ (as my grandma would politely say) sometimes they fall out of love, sometimes they just don’t like you. sometimes they just weren’t what you thought they were. sometimes you barely knew them, sometimes you were only physical. maybe your schedules were too different, or maybe you had different ideas of happiness.
maybe you liked them. maybe you loved. maybe you were attracted. maybe you were intimate. maybe emotionally connected, maybe spiritually. maybe it was companionship. maybe young fun.
whatever it was. your mind had a way with coping with the loss of something that was or could have been what you wanted and no longer have. breakups- in the all encompassing sense of the word. we all deal differently.
well, i focus on one thing to assure me that this is how it has to be. i do this for break ups, heart breaks, crushes, unrequited loves and missed connections. sometimes this factor that i focus on, the one to make me believe that it wasn’t me or him- but circumstances, is an obvious one. oh, i never knew him. he lives too far away. or he doesn’t have the same idea of success, or he has a girlfriend. he was boring, or plain crazy.
but the big ones, those breakups when that factor is the hardest to find (and the relationship real and intense)- they take a lot of soul searching to figure out. yes, i desperately try to rationalize my emotions. there must be a reason it did not work. and i will find that reason. well, the ones that are the hardest to figure out, those are the reasons i usually cling to the most. those are the words i grip onto in times of confusion, sadness, disappointment and inadequacy. that deal breaking factor in the relationship is what makes me think, hey, maybe there is another one for me.
now the tricky part about my ‘get over a breakup’ default mechanism is that it takes a lot for me to give up on a relationship. i hold on. i try. i’m optimistic. i don’t let schedules, fights, distance, previous experiences, or even a few mess ups end a relationship. i work, hard, for something i believe in. most always harder than the other. i thrive on the possibility of something good, so i just don’t give up. well, because of this not going to fail attitude, when i do break up, i hold on very tightly to that self ascribed reason for the supposed relationship failure.
well what happens when, months later, that little piece of information that i have been telling myself is the reason it didn’t work goes away, or changes. i’m talking goes away in real life, not in my head. then i’m left with a lie. its essentially breaking up all over again. my head/heart must search for yet another reason why it just did not/could not work. mind you this process is easy when the dating ended without connection. but when there is a connection (followed by dating or not), that’s when i ask myself “well, why was there a connection? if not to be together”
so. when the truth comes out, when the reason i clung to as evidence of it never working is gone, what am i left with?
i seem to be left struggling to rationalize the sad, disappointing, hurt, disillusioned feelings all over again. months after i had to do it the first time.
then what.
i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy who’s reality i knew was a hopeless to be had… but then the devil of hope began this downward slope and i believe for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grand…. hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.
June 7th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
| No Comments »
old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more
this is for a friend. revived and reposted…
i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” and he started by saying that his parents were married for 40 years and loved each other every second of it, and she cuts him off with her rude pushy brooklyn accent and is like no! i don’t care about your parents! don’t try and use that crap blah blah blah. and he was like whoa listen up lady. i was saaaaying that my parents were married for 40 years and in love for every second of it. they were through hare times, easy times, fun times, and sad times together. SO he got married, the first time, to the love of his life, high school sweetheart. it didn’t work, they got divorced. he met number 2 and said oh, this will work, i just hadn’t experienced enough before i got married last time. then, divorce. after that he said. now wait a minute. i can do this. i CAN make this work, i mean i have to, i can make a marriage work, im not an idiot. after divorce three he really pondered it. said, no way am i letting divorce prove me wrong. its love, i can love and be married and have it work. my parents did, they expect me to, i can do this. after divorce four he said, ok, im not an idiot, i am, however, not meant for marriage. but this does not make me less of a person. i am ok with that.
its interesting, they always say that children of divorced parents have trouble with relationships. nope, its not just us you sorry bastards, its you happy marriage children too. relationships are hard. its life. but this whole story really really made me realize something. we never start relationships expecting them to end. or assuming he would fall out of love, or she would cheat. i mean we would get no where if that were the case. the truth is, we want relationships to work.
we meet someone and for a period we honestly believe that they will be the one, the one forever, the one we call baby, the one we make babies with. we start relationships with no thought of the end. we leave past jadedness behind and start fresh. but we are human and we fall out of love and we explore our options, physically. and we hurt those people we are in relationships with that are still in the period of relationship where they believe this is it, the one that will last forever. and of course, by we i mean them. they fall out of love, they cheat. back on track. its ok though, that they abruptly pull you out of wonderful passionate fog of love and do something to end the relationship. its ok. because, truthfully, they saved you. that unfaithful ex boy or girlfriend and that bored with your love ex partner, they gave you your life back. they gave you a glimpse of the good. that’s it, a chance to stop, and say ok….do i want to work and work for someone who does not feel the same way? nope. but it leaves us jaded.
and when we’re trying to jump back into the game (possibly too quickly) - its that work, pain, and frustration we remember when we meet someone new. its not the passionate all consuming butterflies in the stomach cant stop looking at them love that we remember from our past relationships. we are left with remorse, and hesitation and a heart with a little bit thicker of a skin.
and that next relationship possibility…. hmmm… is it really worth it? i mean do i ever want to get hurt like that again? do i really want to put myself in a position to fail at another relationship. we so quickly forget the all consuming EXCITING love that got us into the past relationship in the first place. and here we are – stuck between the two extremes of love. all consuming passion, and all consuming misery. but. its not too late. its not too late for love. i mean that passionate love is the best feeling in the entire world. no matter what anyone says. and for me. its worth another try. so he or she fell out of love, or cheated. thank god. you get another try to be more real, more happy than before, more wise, more strong, more vulnerable, and one hundred percent more worth it. so i guess… what im trying to say… is remember…. neither of us enter relationships wanting or expecting them to end, when its good its good. and that good takes work, and if that work is not put in by both parties, it will end. and even then, just remember- its not how either of you intended. its ok. those butterflies are worth it.
Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please