you write the moral, and I’ll write the lesson. we could read a love that kept us guessing.
i’m a story teller. i believe in connection through words. through detail. through interest and intrigue. through sharing. if you know me in real life, you’d probably say that this is an understatement.
i am obsessed with the story. any story. i want you to want to know every detail. it’s how i connect. i want to tell you things. i want to share, and explore, and feel like you hear me, and understand me, and imagine being there. or appreciate the serendipity, or agree that we are all here, interacting with one another for a reason. and it’s important to me.
i want to hear your stories. small or large. i want the details. i want to know what things you will emphasize, what things you value. what you notice, why you care… about life.
this weekend i was talking with an amazing girlfriend of mine about dating. shocker. and i told her a story, about a boy. and she told me one. and she said most matter of factly, “of course it’s about the story. when is it not?” and for some reason it hit me. she understood. really understood. it IS about the story. it’s not that we all want some romantic comedy like meet cute for because it’s romantic. well, there is nothing wrong with that even. it’s the story that begins “us,” as friends, lovers, soul mates, as fateful friends. and she and i, this nbff (newbestfemalefriend), we have a good story.
women often share stories and secrets in relationships with one another. it’s how we connect, and support one another. men often do things together, play sports, or give advice. gendered communication. it’s all there, whether it’s socialization or genetics the research has been done.
but what my friend said to me, and how she said it, made me feel like someone finally got it. that telling stories, the story, isn’t about me being a female, and telling secrets is what we do on the playground. it’s bigger than that.
and it suddenly came to me, everything i know about story telling, and creating a narrative, from an academic perspective. when thinking about dating, i often reference, in my own brain, things i learned in grad school. i don’t know why it always surprises me. i mean, isn’t that the point. to learn, remember, and apply? well, yea, every emotion i have is processed through this crazy rational virgo filter, and often times using academic research is what makes me feel more healthy about about being so pragmatic.
the narrative. it creates meaning. it provides us a view to understand how we see ourselves in a larger group (society). it gives us a space to emphasize who we want to be. the parts of us, and things we’ve done of which we are proud. stories allow us to test our normalcy in relation to the rest of society.
by telling a story, we are sharing ourselves. whether outwardly, or cryptically, we tell stories to connect. Read the rest of this entry »
playing with your words, a girl and two headlights, blinders on the interstate… we want the good life.
ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral. i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.). Read the rest of this entry »
but i’m in so deep. you know i’m such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger…
so i payed depaul university a whole hell of a lot of money to make me read way too much and force me to write paper after paper. thereby forcing me have multiple fits and breakdowns during many many finals.
and a few years later i said, oh four years of that wasn’t enough, i’ll go back and do it again for two more. with quadrupole the reading and writing expectations, for a low low price of 50% more than the first time.
at least i have a piece of paper on the wall now that calls me a ‘master.’ i mean, honestly, that’s cool.
my point is, and my my mother will be the first to tell you, that grad school writing was the bane of my existence, and caused many a late night breakdown session filled with questioning how i’d ever finish the ninteyfivepage paper that was due the next day. and here i am, nearly two years after being handed that piece of paper, desperate to write as often as i can.
even crazier, desperate to explain, theorize, categorize, and rationalize every single thing that happens in life through writing. i am officially an academic geek.
i had this realization (and acceptance) when i spent entirely too long this week examining my fake character movie crushes of the mid to late nineties.
it started when i read a very funny, and um, oddly thought provoking piece of writing, which discussed some of the greatest movies from my child-to-adolescence-hood. one of them being camp nowhere.
i loved this movie. and drew’s post about it sparked instant memories with their associated feelings. and my mind started spiraling into analyzing those memories. i specifically remember watching it in like 5th or 6th grade on new years eve while i was babysitting. and i remember crushing so so hard on mud. and then i remembered that i felt like i was supposed to like andrew kegan’s character. but i just liked mud. the geeky, small, long haired idea man (kid). and i began to think that this was probably some pretty heavy foreshadowing on ‘life’s’ part.
i then began to think about all the other childtoadolescencehood crushes i had.
nick from ‘my girl 2′ (same year) (same long hair)- shyer kid that falls for the independent, determined, mind made up well spoken vada.
john baker from ‘boys’- (long, less mullety, hair) shy geeky prep school boy changed by the mysterious mature patty (winona ryder) who shows him that he can stand up to his dad and be a man.
josh in ‘clueless’- um, uber geek college boy that wears flannel, can’t dance, and is a smarty that is going to be a lawyer.
cameron in ten things i hate about you- yes, i had a crush on joseph gordon levitt over heath ledger. the dorky, adorable boy who, shocker, was in love with the totally hot popular girl and said things like “and i’m back in the game!” when she pays him an once of attention.
mark in ‘empire records’- goofy nerdy guy that is not the hot dude the chicks want. giggles a lot.
preston in ‘can’t hardly wait’ (ethan embry round 2)- not popular guy that has fallen for the prom queen beauty, writes her love notes and gazes longingly towards the sky when he hears a song with her name in it, and honestly cannot imagine life without her.
max fisher in ‘rushmore’- duh, long haired geek that is overly involved in school and falls, yet again, for a completely unavailable woman (teacher) and wholeheartedly believes his life will end without her. goes to great lengths to do things for her so that she will like him in return.
ok. you get the point. from these i pull out a few major themes that have proven to translate perfectly to my life as a dating adult.
i like boys that fall for girls that are opposite of me (read: popular prom queen beauties) (i’m also not saying they wouldn’t like me, but they have no idea what to do with someone like me) (the older i get the more i rid myself of this one, phew).
i like boys that are smart and geeky. period.
i like(d?) long hair. hey it was the 90s. and oh so cute. and let’s be honest, i’ve been more than interested in more than one guy in my adult dating life that has had as long, or longer hair than me. (i can only explain this by directing attention back to the fashions of the mid to late 90s.)
before i started writing this i tried to really think about why it is that i go for the geeky type. now, this being a blog, and me living in san francisco and being friends with about a gazillion tech industry people, the geeky thing is probably not even confusing for a lot you. but for everyone else, yes, i have been trying to figure out the geek thing.
and then i realized. i don’t have to. it’s all right here, ENACTED in the movie that sparked all these thoughts. mud and gabby make a pact that they will only date ex geeks when they actually start dating. because only exgeeks will really understand them. bingo, understanding. common ground. i wouldn’t call myself a geek when i was young. cause that doesn’t fit. but i definitely wasn’t the tall skinny popular blond cheerleader that all the boys pined for. um no. i knew who i was, and wasn’t afraid to show my uniqueness… in a world where that makes you very misunderstood. so that’s why i go for the geeks. because not being instantly understood in life builds character. and strength. and self-acceptance. so by the time said geek is an adult, geekiness is pretty darned attractive because it goes hand in hand with self-understanding, strength, acceptance and respect for difference. whoa. i just pulled all of that from a crush on jonathon jackson in 1994.
(veryvery long sidenote: after making the pact to only date exgeeks they have a moment where they ’shake on it’ and realize their feelings. and watching that as a way too old to admit this adult, i seriously get giddy watching them go through that moment of butterflies. cause THAT is what dating is all about. that moment of butterflies when you think the other person feels it too, and you aren’t sure what ‘it’ really is, but know that you like it, and want to feel it more. yea. we forget about that stuff as adults that drink too much and have important stuff like paying bills and opening mail that’s piled up for 4 weeks to do. we forget the good old fashion butterflies. hop straight to the good old fashion banging. watch it 7:50-9:50. it’s perfect. the best two minutes of well, right now.)
which leads to the second main theme pulled from my childhood movie crushes. that i (still) have a thing for boys/men/guys that swoon. that show it. that believe in relationships and love. i’ve discussed it before, my obsession with married men (because they BELIEVE in love and commitment and relationship), but this just goes to show how deep and far back this thing really goes. my overall obsession with guys that SHOW their swoon. show their infatuation. write it in letters. express it through music. talk about it out loud.
so there you have it. a lot of words to come to two conclusions that had already been made. well, at least i’m consistent.
in related news, im semi ecstatic for the new TNT tv show with ray romano called ‘men of a certain age.’ i think this also highlights my over the top interest in adult mens’ relationships and getting to hear and analyze their thoughts and emotions towards those relationships.
until next time, i remain single. and watching movies from fifteen years ago. having a crush on a 14 year old boy. um, intervention?
do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?
last night i left my credit card at the bar. i was sober. and tired. it was one of my favorite bars so i called at 1:54 when i realized that i left it, which was as walked in the door to my house. so today i had to go back to retrieve my trusty companion.
i decided to bring my camera. and am i ever glad that i did. the perish trust, an awesome antiquey store on divisadero, was open. i strolled in to peruse the typewriters, as i always do, and was just consumed with love for the place. per usual. and then i just went for it and asked. i said, “do you mind if i take some photos in here?” and he said, “oh of course not. i mean, this is the magic time. with the sun where it is, and all.”
this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care
i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.
i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.
i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)
but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.
and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.
at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.
and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.
i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.
but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.
is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?
