anyway. it was amazing. probably because i just did what i wanted the whole time. i flew solo a lot of it, because there was music i wanted to hear, and bands i wanted to see, regardless of what anyone wanted to do. forget the drinking, the partying, the spring break shenanigans, the cute boys… ok, wait, don’t forget the cute boys, i was there to just be in sunshine music heaven. and my mission was accomplished. with a lot of cute boys added it.

i came back more obsessed with music than ever. so obviously i had to make a mix to share!

this mix is about 80% bands i saw at sxsw and the rest just damn good new music that i couldn’t not put on here. i’ve included two SF bands that played at our SF Embassy Showcase at sxsw- geographer and the frail because they are great.

there’s a lot of stuff on here that came out today (you’re welcome) and a lot of stuff that didn’t. basically it’s like the greatest mix ever, and if you don’t think so, you’re wrong. ( :) ) most importantly if you like a song/band GO BUY THEIR ALBUM!!

with that, i dedicate this mix, postsxswmusicmania, to all the very wonderful, awkward, cute, shy, sensitive musician boys out there. they remind me everyday that people feel, care, and are cute. and that i’m allowed to swoon. because, i love you all.

postsxswmusicmania (click me! click me!)

(i’m lazy, so yes you get  screen shot of my itunes folder for the track listing)

two of my favorites responded, leaving me with a barrel of entertainment packed into every minute of this show. aubrey  and daisy were my lovey in studio guests, and we had a very interesting time.

tori and i discussed in self aware/new agey (my fav)/ psychological terms (much to daisy’s dismay) the process of becoming aware of certain things in your relationships in order to change them, and attract the right kind of relationships and love.

then Tori did a color wisdom card reading for each of us. (around halfway through the show)

aubrey went first, and we knew then that this was good. Tori was good. she hit on some majorly interesting things  for us.

she chose two colors for aubrey and daisy and reviewed them and their meanings. then she chose two for me, and i actually got one of the same as aubrey’s and one of the same as daisy’s.

she was a little surprised, and then explained that it was probably because i had so much energy invested in their outcomes and that i cared so deeply for their happiness, or something. awwww.

to get a clear picture, she drew three cards for me, and WOW. basically my destiny in life is to heal myself of past wounds and then HELP OTHERS heal/have happy relationships. uh, thank you validation (that i knew all along, but now YOU see ;)

preeeetttty cool. check her out at www.torihartman.com

and listen to the podcast. it’s great.

tori hartman gives us hope.

ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral.  i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.).
and i started spiraling through all of the same crazy thoughts that i tempered above. and then, before logging off, i decided to do a search. for men, in my area, with my physical, personality, educational, and recreational preferences.
and that’s when i got it. what i needed from the silly site. after perusing through the 200 profile photos and 20 word descriptions, coming up basically dry on anyone i’d even be interested in meeting, i remembered that all of these guys are out there ‘wanting it.’ believing in relationships, and dating, and looking for a “cute girl who I can hold hands with at the farmer’s market” or “Someone that I can make laugh and visa versa. Someone with a good head on her shoulders (keep up in intelligent conversations as well as goofy banter)” or “a woman that is charming, intelligent and beautiful, with a sense of adventure” or however else you want to say it. and they are trying. and going for it.
and though this realization didn’t make me change my mind whatsoever about the rightness, or lack thereof, that i feel about online dating, it did give me an overwhelmingly rejuvenating kick in my dating reset button for good old twenty ten.
so yea. he’s out there. waiting to serendipitously experience our meet cute. and with him i’ll get drinks. i’ll get dinner. i’ll go to a baseball game. i’ll go for a trip down the coast. i’ll get bi-rite ice cream and  spend the afternoon in the coffee shop reading. i will go on ‘dates’ that feel right, and know they’ve seen the actual steph. cause there is way more cuke to this girl than meets the eye.
so thanks match.com. not for any actual dates, but the refill on hope. and i’m ready, 2010, for whatever dating life you throw my way.

she led the modern sunset to your window, gestured with a plane jane hand, she said, “let’s go.”

so i payed depaul university a whole hell of a lot of money to make me read way too much and force me to write paper after paper. thereby forcing me have multiple fits and breakdowns during many many finals.

and a few years later i said, oh four years of that wasn’t enough, i’ll go back and do it again for two more. with quadrupole the reading and writing expectations, for a low low price of 50% more than the first time.

at least i have a piece of paper on the wall now that calls me a ‘master.’ i mean, honestly, that’s cool.

my point is, and my my mother will be the first to tell you, that grad school writing was the bane of my existence, and caused many a late night breakdown session filled with questioning how i’d ever finish the ninteyfivepage paper that was due the next day. and here i am, nearly two years after being handed that piece of paper, desperate to write as often as i can.

even crazier, desperate to explain, theorize, categorize, and rationalize every single thing that happens in life through writing. i am officially an academic geek.

i had this realization (and acceptance) when i spent entirely too long this week examining my fake character movie crushes of the mid to late nineties.

it started when i read a very funny, and um, oddly thought provoking piece of writing, which discussed some of the greatest movies from my child-to-adolescence-hood. one of them being camp nowhere.

i loved this movie. and drew’s post about it sparked instant memories with their associated feelings. and my mind started spiraling into analyzing those memories. i specifically remember watching it in like 5th or 6th grade on new years eve while i was babysitting. and i remember crushing so so hard on mud. and then i remembered that i felt like i was supposed to like andrew kegan’s character. but i just liked mud. the geeky, small, long haired idea man (kid). and i began to think that this was probably some pretty heavy foreshadowing on ‘life’s’ part.

i then began to think about all the other childtoadolescencehood crushes i had.
nick from ‘my girl 2′ (same year) (same long hair)- shyer kid that falls for the independent, determined, mind made up well spoken vada.
john baker from ‘boys’- (long, less mullety, hair) shy geeky prep school boy changed by the mysterious mature patty (winona ryder) who shows him that he can stand up to his dad and be a man.
josh in ‘clueless’- um, uber geek college boy that wears flannel, can’t dance, and is a smarty that is going to be a lawyer.
cameron in ten things i hate about you- yes, i had a crush on joseph gordon levitt over heath ledger. the dorky, adorable boy who, shocker, was in love with the totally hot popular girl and said things like “and i’m back in the game!” when she pays him an once of attention.
mark in ‘empire records’- goofy nerdy guy that is not the hot dude the chicks want. giggles a lot.
preston in ‘can’t hardly wait’ (ethan embry round 2)- not popular guy that has fallen for the prom queen beauty, writes her love notes and gazes longingly towards the sky when he hears a song with her name in it, and honestly cannot imagine life without her.
max fisher in ‘rushmore’- duh, long haired geek that is overly involved in school and falls, yet again, for a completely unavailable woman (teacher) and wholeheartedly believes his life will end without her. goes to great lengths to do things for her so that she will like him in return.

ok. you get the point. from these i pull out a few major themes that have proven to translate perfectly to my life as a dating adult.
i like boys that fall for girls that are opposite of me (read: popular prom queen beauties) (i’m also not saying they wouldn’t like me, but they have no idea what to do with someone like me) (the older i get the more i rid myself of this one, phew).
i like boys that are smart and geeky. period.
i like(d?) long hair. hey it was the 90s. and oh so cute. and let’s be honest, i’ve been more than interested in more than one guy in my adult dating life that has had as long, or longer hair than me. (i can only explain this by directing attention back to the fashions of the mid to late 90s.)

before i started writing this i tried to really think about why it is that i go for the geeky type. now, this being a blog, and me living in san francisco and being friends with about a gazillion tech industry people, the geeky thing is probably not even confusing for a lot you. but for everyone else, yes, i have been trying to figure out the geek thing.

and then i realized. i don’t have to. it’s all right here, ENACTED in the movie that sparked all these thoughts. mud and gabby make a pact that they will only date ex geeks when they actually start dating. because only exgeeks will really understand them.  bingo, understanding. common ground. i wouldn’t call myself a geek when i was young. cause that doesn’t fit. but i definitely wasn’t the tall skinny popular blond cheerleader that all the boys pined for. um no. i knew who i was, and wasn’t afraid to show my uniqueness… in a world where that makes you very misunderstood. so that’s why i go for the geeks. because not being instantly understood in life builds character. and strength. and self-acceptance. so by the time said geek is an adult, geekiness is pretty darned attractive because it goes hand in hand with self-understanding, strength, acceptance and respect for difference. whoa. i just pulled all of that from a crush on jonathon jackson in 1994.

(veryvery long sidenote: after making the pact to only date exgeeks they have a moment where they ’shake on it’ and realize their feelings. and watching that as a way too old to admit this adult, i seriously get giddy watching them go through that moment of butterflies. cause THAT is what dating is all about. that moment of butterflies when you think the other person feels it too, and you aren’t sure what ‘it’ really is, but know that you like it, and want to feel it more. yea. we forget about that stuff as adults that drink too much and have important stuff like paying bills and opening mail that’s piled up for 4 weeks to do. we forget the good old fashion butterflies. hop straight to the good old fashion banging. watch it 7:50-9:50. it’s perfect. the best two minutes of well, right now.)

which leads to the second main theme pulled from my childhood movie crushes. that i (still) have a thing for boys/men/guys that swoon. that show it. that believe in relationships and love. i’ve discussed it before, my obsession with married men (because they BELIEVE in love and commitment and relationship), but this just goes to show how deep and far back this thing really goes. my overall obsession with guys that SHOW their swoon. show their infatuation. write it in letters. express it through music. talk about it out loud.

so there you have it. a lot of words to come to two conclusions that had already been made. well, at least i’m consistent.

in related news, im semi ecstatic for the new TNT tv show with ray romano called ‘men of a certain age.’ i think this also highlights my over the top interest in adult mens’ relationships and getting to hear and analyze their thoughts and emotions towards those relationships.

until next time, i remain single. and watching movies from fifteen years ago. having a crush on a 14 year old boy. um, intervention?

do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

linger. the cranberries.

i decided to bring my camera. and am i ever glad that i did. the perish trust, an awesome antiquey store on divisadero, was open. i strolled in to peruse the typewriters, as i always do, and was just consumed with love for the place. per usual. and then i just went for it and asked. i said, “do you mind if i take some photos in here?” and he said, “oh of course not. i mean, this is the magic time. with the sun where it is, and all.”

i present to you the perish trust.

this is the magic time. from Steph Dub on Vimeo.

the perish trust.

728 divisadero, san francisco, ca.

http://theperishtrust.com

harold t. wilkins- fanfarlo.

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.

at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.

and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.

i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.

but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.

is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?

jane austin, where have you gone? is it anyone’s fault, that we escape into our own defense… you don’t know what it’s like… to be american.

so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were).

so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things.  and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.

i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with.

and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be.

there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha.

and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself.
so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you’re all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality.

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred

so there is something very telling about people. and their interest in you. definitely romantically, but also platonically. and this little something is one of those things that is so very apparent that i think sometimes we (me) purposely avoid seeing it in our relationships.

i have a tendency, wait… had a tendency, to put in the majority of the effort in all my relationships. especially in the early stages of romantic ones (ok, and in friendships too). and i suppose part of this is because maybe i wanted ‘it’ more. the ‘relationship’ the ‘friendship’ the …connection.

when i meet someone that i think i want to get to know better (whether or not i have decided i want it to be romantical yet or not… well especiallllllllly if i want it to maybe be romantical) i usually want to know everything about them. so i ask. about everything. and this is the get to know you period. the opening up.

but there is this tell tell tell tale sign that i am on a different page from them in the aim for connection story that i seem to always and conveniently and unconsciously deny. when they don’t ask back. they don’t want to know everything about me.
i mean we all like to talk about ourselves. hell, i write a blog about myself. it’s easier to talk about ourselves. we know the subject so well. it doesn’t even take concentration. and when someone else is leading he conversation by blatantly asking us about ourselves then hell… it’s even enjoyable. but there is this unassuming sneaky situation that i seem to get myself into all the time- asking all the questions, learning all the info, and never being probed. and i seem to settle for these types of relationships. well did.

and usually i get the slap in the face i had been ignoring once i acquire everything about them i need to know to be sure that i ‘like’ them. what i am really engaged in is a one way relationship. one way knowledge sharing. one. way. interest.
i don’t know WHY i do this. but like i said, i do it with all types of relationships. i feel as though what i have to say is not valuable. and forget that someone may actually want to know about me. and go on creating these relationships where the other person feels great and loved and paid attention to and acknowledged and validated. and then there is me. and usually i don’t even get to the “and then there is me” point. i just go on unconsciously getting none of my relational needs met. continuously entering these types of relationships cause they are all i know. thereby feeding the self fulfilling prophecy of a relational schema.
so, i think for the most part, at 25 i can finally see this pattern starting at the beginning of a friendship and can cut it out (hand motions included). and have even slowly weened past friends like this out of my life. and i am so lucky to have a group of friends that ask me questions about my life, and care about what i have to say and how i feel and yea.

but, the romatical side of this little relational habit is more difficult to break. but there are just sometimes where i step back, gain some perspective, and say… wait. a. minute. and unfortunately at this point the only one with anything ‘lost’ is me. my time. my energy. my efforts to get to know the other. they haven’t put anything in. and therefore have nothing lost. actually they probably unconsciously gained from me praising them with interrogating attention.

so it sucks when i realize that, yet again, i am putting in all the effort in the preromantical relationship. because, ultimately, all it means is that they are not interested in getting to know me the way that i am them. because. when you are interested in someone, you want. to. know. them. everything about them.

and it’s funny. i have this vision of my perfect partner. and one of the main things about him is that he gets me, or wants to, and doesn’t misunderstand me. or my thoughts, or my needs (if i admit i have them, which, to my perfect partner i will, because he will care). but for some reason this image of the PP doesn’t make it into my everyday reality. we think out of context and act in context i suppose. but it’s weird how instinctually i internalize this as the image of a relationship. someone that calls me to talk about them. someone that waits for me to text them. someone that continuously lets me ask them to hang out. someone that will probably not ‘get me.’

and it’s also sad that when this isn’t the case, my whole mind body and soul get so excited they don’t know what to do. but talk. and keep talking. and it is at those times where i am speaking so passionately and am an consumed with someone wanting to know about me that first i stop- and ask “oh my god, do you even care?!” and then i apologize for speaking so passionatley about my life and goals and loves, and then internally mull over the interaction later and ask myself why i am so surprised when someone DOES ask about me.

this exact situation happened to me a little while back. someone asked me about my writing, and explained that he really got it. and was asking me all these questions about my goals and dreams and i found myself 3 beers in SO enthusiastically BLABBING about my life that i stopped myself midsentence and blurted out “oh my god! do you even care!?” (i was SO used to someone not asking that out of shear excitement i couldn’t stop myself from speaking) and his response was so perfect. so stop-me-in-my-tracks-and-get-it inducing that sometimes i repeat these words to myself to regain confidence and trust in the universe that there are people out there that want to know, and ‘get it.’ he said, quite simply, “no, you’re right. i don’t care. can you please tell me about something you’re NOT passionate about. tell me about something you are really indifferent about.”

so. in my intense longing for connection i tend to idealize really normal things, believe that one way relationships where i put in all the effort are the usual, and deem my desire to have someone know me unimportant.

i’m sick of asking all the questions. of putting in all the work. and i have no one but myself to blame (well, my psyche). by (unconsciously) creating this relational habit i have in turn attracted only these relationships into my life. and if these are all i’m getting IRL (in real life) i might as well sit in my bed and stalk cute boys on facebook all day. cause, essentially, i can learn everything about them from the internets that i would by asking questions, and create a one way relationship in which they know nothing about me and i am left dreaming of a day where they would want to know me.

so what is worse. actually having relationships, one way as they may be. or, waiting, longing and hoping for a boy who wants to know what’s going on in the crazy mind of steph. sigh.

i wouldn’t say the word now but this is not what I meant, for a woman that’s fallen over head and ears and still so warm, but i’m lonely too, suddenly she is still and says, “i hope that things will be better here.”