textual romance.

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so i’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?
for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations.

and i mean. i guess this isn’t bad. some people are shy. and texting allows these people to maybe say things they normally wouldn’t to someone’s face or through the phone lines/waves. because they can plan what they want to say they actually say it rather than letting shyness overcome them. it allows people to overcome time zones and scheduling conflicts. and it allows little bits of unexpected communication to come through. but does it allow people to be cowardly when a phone conversation is in fact appropriate? and now a days, with picture texts we don’t even need to verbalize what we are doing to someone, we just need to send a photo. a picture says a thousand words right?

but don’t words, spoken words, still serve a purpose when getting to know someone. isn’t the point of having a vulnerable conversation ‘verbally’ because you are connecting over the mere fact that you are opening up and putting yourself out there as well as the subject you are actually talking about?

so i’m torn on how i feel about texting and dating. in some cases it allows you to get to know someone in a less vulnerable way, encouraging you to open up more with out such consequences. get to know someone that is possible unavailable to see physically, or talk to on the phone. get to know someone when you may have been too shy to otherwise.

but it also allows you to create this fantastical relationship with the person on the other end of texting. because you can script what you want to say. you can wait before replying. you can ask other’s opinions. and to me… this seems dangerously unfortunate. because it’s obvious why texting has become a tried and true method of getting to know someone. there is less rejection. there is less vulnerability. there is more romance. there is more ability to be the person we hope to be (not just reacting to our environment).

and the rules of texting are really unclear. you can say you mistexted something if you feel embarrassed that you said it. you can claim to have never received a text if you want to avoid the subject. you can reply when ever you want, minutes or hours later. or never. and never touch the subject of the unanswered text, because god knows the person looking for an answer is not going to bring it up out of shear embarrassment of no response. smiley faces and exclamation points carry immense amount of weight, and less can be more or a very bad sign.
and i will most certainly not even begin to speak about drunk texting.
so my attempt to analyze the pros and cons of texting in dating has, yet again, turned into a clusterfuck of positive and negative uses of communication technology creating the ever eloquent and romantic catch 22 of information sharing enroute to connection. sigh.

though i may not know the right things to say
i’ll get it out to you one day
i’m shy that way

i can be optimistic and sad at the same time.

i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked.

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared.
as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection.

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction?

why is it that the romantic feelings make rejection and misunderstanding so much more terrible. and terrifying. it took me well into my adult life to accept that some people are just not going to like me, ever, no matter what i say or do. and that was a hard lesson. but that lesson applied to romantic interests is torturous.

i’m the biggest believer in the universe and that things are going to be how they are meant to be. and that ultimately, we as dating humans cannot help who we like. so what is my problem? why am i, personally, so scared to like someone? well, rephrase- why am i so afraid of the rejection that comes with liking someone romantically that does not feel the same way? this is a huge case of cognitive dissonance. i believe one way, and act another. i act out of fear- i do not let my self ‘fall for’ or open up to potential romantic interests because i am afraid of being rejected. but i know, honestly, that it is not me personally that they are rejecting.

i guess that doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t still hurt. whether or not it was purposeful. actually, that is another lesson i am working on in my adult life. allowing myself to feel something like sadness or pain even if i understand completely why the person that sparked those feelings did what they did. so in my crazy brain i know and understand that we can’t help who we like romantically, and therefore do not allow myself to be sad about the fact that someone may not like me back. but it just sucks. ok? this is not a pity party.

opening up is hard and scary. and it sucks to find someone that you want to tell everything. that you want to want to know you. and they do not feel the same way. it hurts. it’s saddening. it makes you question your worth. your direction.
so that’s that. i know it will come to me. and i know the person that comes with that love will want to know everything about me. and will understand, or try, or accept everything that i am. and will be as excited to see me as i am them. and think that i am as smart and funny and cute and enjoyable to be around as well.

but that doesn’t mean that i am not allowed to feel sad, or frustrated, or scared in the mean time… okay?

i know the last page so well 
i can’t read the first 
so i just don’t start 
it’s getting worse

the connection that knowingly leads to heartbreak

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal.

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.
through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit.

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into.

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic.

my basic question i guess is why is it so hard for me to open myself up to possible connections with people who ARE available to me? i mean don’t i preach at length at how all ever want in life is earth shattering connection? so why do i only allow myself to make such connections with unavailable people. i suppose the only answer is that i’m scared. maybe of rejection. cause when an available person and connection with that person don’t work, i will inevitably blame myself. but at least with connection with unavailable others i can blame something else. like a significant other, or distance, or whatever. and i can get over it and move on.

but for a million reasons these connections seem to a) keep popping up in my life, and b) tend to be really really real. they tend to be so real and intense because neither involved has any other agenda than pure genuine openness because we know that we are not getting to know each other in hopes of dating. cause circumstances make that irrational, unreasonable, and unavailable. and we are OBviously a culture that does not value anything else.

its a catch 22 (shocker). i could open myself to connections with people ‘available’ and become extra vulnerable in the beginning of possible relationship (because i may be rejected). and may never find this connection which equals MAJOR rejection. or i can have an amazing connection with someone for a moment in time that will inevitably end (so i tell myself- all while actually letting myself be consumed by the romatical feelings that this might work, that love might prevail and the impossible become reality).

i have just put my foot in my mouth. seeing as i (ugh) apparently love and value vulnerability. no. i just like vulnerability when it is genuine AND used with the intent to connect. but what i hate about the vulnerability in the above catch 22 is that it is also one way. cause i have to open up nearly everyone not knowing if they will like me back, or open up back, or connect. and because some people just don’t like some people. i will say that certain people i open up to will NOT like me and connect. rejection on a mass scale.

so what is worse. having connection that ends because of something totally out of your control, or being closed off to a possible connection that may not end because it may never happen (rejection).

this is hard. i’m confused. still. usually i end unconfused, talking through my thoughts and theories and craziness and boom, i feel better and resolved. but this one is different.

what is worth more: vulnerability or connection? save face (not be vulnerable) and create an awesome intense connection that will end in heartbreak… or become vulnerable and alone in hopes of creating connection that will last but never knowing if it will lead to actual connection or just rejection.

is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? or is the heartbreak that comes with a connection ended just cruel punishment?

help. it’s possible that i cannot help myself on this one. because i am addicted to the unavailable connections (cause they are real, and genuine) but know and love the value of vulnerability.

dear chicago,
you’ll never guess. 
you know the girl you said I’d meet someday? 
well, I’ve got something to confess. 
she picked me up on friday. 
asked me if she reminded me of you. 
i just laughed and lit a cigarette, 
said “that’s impossible to do. “

the ever awkward ‘date’

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy.

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing.

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know.

my last date was most certainly with my ex. and that’s different because first and foremost we had been dating forever. he and i never went on a date prior to ‘boyfriend/girlfriendness.’ and most importantly the main reason for the date was not to get to know one another, or spend time with one another, it was to experience the food and restaurant. and it was stressful, and expensive, and made me fat and broke. (sorry b). so add that experience to my thoughts of going on dates. and where does that leave me. not wanting to do THAT again.

and then there is this little thing that i most certainly learned from my pistol of an independent first woman to get her driving and real estate license in michigan of a grandma. don’t let someone put you in a position where you owe them. and they have something on you. (hence my inability to accept help without a fight)

so in our paradigm shift of  a dating world where the rules of traditional dating have not yet changed (dinner/drinks, boy should pay, probably hold hands) but we ‘want it all’ in regards to physical attention where does that leave us (me)? with the boy paying and then me owing him something.

again, i am not claiming that i’m not completely psychologically too independent for my own good, but i’m my grandmother’s granddaughter, as well as my entrepreneurial mother and only child father’s only child who knows how to change her tire (and has DONE it many times) has a graduate degree, that can pay for my own dinner and drinks thankyouverymuch.

so THESE are all the crazy things that come into my mind when i think about WHY i will most likely not get into a relationship via dating.

but who am i kidding. do i really know what i’m doing any other time i’m trying to date someone? um, no. i’m just like everyone else. trying to find a connection whilst being terrified of losing myself, being misunderstood, being expected to ‘owe’ something, being vulnerable and well… everything else.

so. i’m throwing it all out the window. because this weekend the idea of going out on a date, getting dressed up, having great conversation and connection, and being giggly for days after just sounded refreshing. and exciting. and who am i to know when and how i will get to know someone or start a relationship. and this way i know they are at least interested in getting to know me romantically. rather than building a deep intense friendship waking up in love one day not knowing at all how the other feels about me. what about THAT seems less awkward than someone paying for dinner or kissing me on my doorstep? geez steph. get a grip.

so there we have it. i will go on a date. i will enjoy it. i will wear a dress and if all goes well i will be giggly for days until the next.

(but i suppose i am overlooking the obvious… a gentleman caller to escort me on said date. ugh. remembering that apparently the type of boy i am attracted to and intrigued by is calm, quieter than i, and often shy… i probably won’t  be getting any date invites that surpass the previous 4 paragraphs of awkwardness and jump into exciting territory. and now comes the ever appropriate uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

i’m sure i’ll mess it all up i’m sure ill try to convince myself that i just need time to be….

old school milestones of dating….

snails see the benefits, the beauty of every inch, so why why why you so quick to kiss?

so, i was having a conversation last week with a friend, one of those honest saviors of the dating world, and he is newly back on the market (you chicago ladies have something majorly good on your hands) and i asked him if he was going to get his mack on at the bar that evening. and his response, perfectly simple, “eh it’s not about macking as much as i could let it be. i mean i could go out and get my swerve on if i wanted but that’s not really my style.”

and of course i said i loved that it wasn’t his style. and he said that he was bringing dating back. and respected certain milestones in relationships. and i was oh so in love with our conversation at that moment.

it also reminded me of something a teacher at my friend’s all boy high school told him once “if you like a girl, don’t kiss her right away.”

and wow. how perfect. dating is supposed to have milestones. and we have somehow created this hookup culture that bypasses all these milestones. but the thing about the hook up culture that that it was created because we want real/lasting/satisfying relationships, but don’t know how to get there so we might as well “have fun trying.” and yes, i’ve talked about this before… but i think we need to analyze the old milestones of dating as a way to remember how good they were.

they were (in paraphrase of my friends): dude i met this girl and we stayed up all night talking, oh we went on a date (the two of us), we held hands, oh man we  kissed, we finally made-out hardcore, and ultimately… i got laid and it was so good.

so now i’m going to take it back myself, and try and enkindle these feelings in us one more time. cause, damn they were honest feel good giggly feelings.

member the feeling of just meeting someone that you could/wanted to talk to all night? not talking in effort to leave the bar with. not talking as a way to kill time until you’re drunk enough to make-out with and blame the alcohol, but actually talk to. think back to middle school if you have to- staying up late whispering to the boy/girl you liked on the phone all night. as if seeing them tomorrow just would never be enough. and no matter how tired you would be tomorrow it would all be worth it to talk about the song you’re listening to right then in your bed, or  your favorite food, or how you did on the math test. remember that feeling of thoroughly enjoying talking with someone, and wanting to know everything about them?

and then you get to the weekend. and you can go out with them, cause its not a school or work night. and you plan what you’re going to do and since you’ve talked about everything on the phone all night during the week every phone call turns to the logistics of hanging out and what “we’re” going to do. and you think about what you’re going to wear (i know you do/did this too boys) and the split second you see them you get giggly inside and try to hide it and play it cool. and all night you’re hanging out, or eating dinner, or watching a movie wonder if he is going to hold your hand, or if she is going to reject you if you try. and somehow your hands actually touch, and you get butterflies. god, remember that?! it was amazing. those butterflies of honest liking and attraction.

so now you’re hanging out and talking on the phone every night and probably holding hands when you see each other and all you can think of is that kiss. the first kiss. and if you’re a girl you’re probably thinking of how he’ll do it, where, when, and will he put his hand on your face (because it is the epitome of hot) or is he ever going to do it? and i won’t pretend to know what you boys are thinking but i’m sure its like: should i? how? when? does she even want me to? will i ruin everything? will it be awkward? and then it happens and more giggles.

and then you’re holding hands, and maybe smooching once in a while and then probably comes some sort of boyfriend/girlfriend talk. cause, in the honest days of dating,  by this time you want them to be kissing only you (not sleeping only with you).

and then comes hanging out with your and their friends and being comfortable enough with the “relationship” that you can hold hands, and smooch in front of friends. and you want to. because you are not looking for someone at the bar that you may be more attracted to, or want to flirt with. you actually just want to be with that person cause you have connection and friendship on top of attraction and giggles.

and then you have a relationship based on mutual interest, friendship, attraction and connection, where you have decided to be exclusive before sleeping together (am i the only one who still believes in this?!) and all is good. and then you sleep together. and it means something. and its connection based. and honest. and strengthens the relationship- not threatens it.

these were good milestones. what happened to them?

i guess the point of this post is to elicit those butterflies in the stomach feelings that we had when we first began dating. and to ask you all, has there been anything better than reaching the dating milestones in such a manner? and propose this – as always, anything worth something takes time and effort… so maybe we should go back to the days where if you like someone you don’t kiss them right away. because hopefully i’ve reminded you of what it felt like to wake up thinking about a boy or girl you like not laying next to them, and you want that feeling again, too.

baby, maybe, i spoke too soon
i’ll touch you once
you make the first move
snails see the benefits
the beauty in every inch