so instead of responding to his ten types of chicks- i’ll just go ahead and compile my own list. the top 10 types of boys you don’t want to date”

in no particular order, here we go.

1.the musician. listen ladies, unless he’s already on tour, and making enough money to afford showers while touring (a hotel room or the like) then he’s just a boy with a pipe dream. you think now that his band playing shows at your fav local venues is cute and exciting, but in three years, when you’ve smelled 75 too many nasty dive bar bathrooms, smoked 242 cartons of cigarettes via second hand smoke, and watched his buddy/band mate pick up 119 different college girls you’ll wish that you wouldn’t've wasted your every thrusday friday saturday monday tuesday and wednesday following his going nowhere hobby instead of living your own life.

2.the financial analyst. first of all, this guy never puts down his blackberry. he can’t honestly believe that some people have the audacity to leave the office before 8pm, and thinks that real businessmen can’t function with a phone that starts with an i. he’s always late for midweek dinner dates, and makes you feel like nothing is as important as the deal he’s closing on that tuesday night. every tuesday night. ’nuff said.

3.the guy with bangs longer than yours. ok, we all know that justin bieber is a preteen sensation that will pass. let’s think back to other teen idols that inspired hair trends that we can clearly call mistakes- joey lawrence, the hanson bros (ok, i was totally in love with that hair, but what did i know?), zack morris.  got it? if his bangs are longer than yours, he has to flip his head nine times to be able to see, and god forbid FLAT IRONS HIS BANGS- run. just run.

4.the frat boy. ok, we’ve all be to college, college parties, or a jersey shore pub crawl. beer pong was fun when we could use our age as a reason to be stupid enough to admit drinking for no other reason than getting completely obliterated. leaving the marina at 2 am to go play beer pong is never a good idea. (learn this one from my mistake, please)

5.the unemployed. yes, i know the status of our economy. and yes i know that trying to find a job is crazy difficult right now. but i don’t need to be supporting you. and i know that you think i’m groovy, and want to hang out other places than the couch watching movies. but those other places cost money. not to mention the weird uncalled for insecurity you get when i pay because you resent not only my paying job, but my managerial status and adult income bracket. sorry boys. i don’t do well with projected resentment.

6.the wanderlust.  we all love those days where we leave the house in the morning and go where the wind takes us- usually including dolores park, a liquor store, zeitgeist, a shared bathroom stall, the grocery store frozen food isle, and possibly a strangers bedroom. and those days create fond memories. but we wake up and go back to normal life. if this sounds like normal life then we need not talk. see number 5.

7.the heartbroken. nothing is worse than coaching your date through his heartbreak from another girl. boys if you are not ready to date, then DON’T DATE. it’s hard enough for me to keep my confidence after years of failed dates, but when you ask me out, and then three neat whiskeys in you confess that you still love her, and would do anything to have her back, i have no other option but to pity you, and invalidate my own feelings of frustration. enough boys, move on. she did.

8.the ‘avoid the DTR at all costs’ guy. dudes, there is a point where we MUST Define the Relationship. i know this is SF, and peter pan syndrome runs as rampant as new start-ups. but guess what? when we are seeing each other for three months it is NOT unreasonable to want to know where we stand. because believe it or not, we’re not all waiting with baited breathe for you to commit to us. in fact, most of the time, if you’re not looking for what we are, we want out. but we need to know what you’re looking for to make that call. have relationships already. get over yourself and what you think are your options.

9.the guy that is still friends with the same group of friends he had in high school. listen, i know you’ve been through a lot together, but going out with a group of people and hearing stories from 12 years ago gets old. and no girl wants to feel like she’s got to compete with that history to simply be able to join the conversation. we all have friends that we’ve known since high school. but there are A TON of other people in this world that DIDN’T happen to live within 19 mile radius of where our parents bought a house. and some of them are awesome. so open your eyes.

10.and last but not least the guy that knows everything about you because he’s been following you on twitter, tumblr, friendfeed, and flickr for a year. hey guy, relationships are about SHARING. not consuming. when you already know, or think you know, everything about me that means the relationship is over. there is nothing else to discuss. so try not to stalk me online if you actually want to date me. and try asking me about ME. and maybe i’ll ask you about you. and we’ll create a RELATIONSHIP.

i wish these didn’t come to me so easily. but, well, they did. they all just happened to be in my brain. i wonder why.

now of course we know that there are exaggerations. and most importantly, i have compassion for you if you happen to be one, or any combination of the above guys. i just don’t recommend dating you. and i think it’s clear why.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world.

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something.

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE.

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned?

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed.

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship.

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new.

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship.

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic.

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you.

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

did i ask you for attention, when affection is what I need.

attention. it is a basic human need. physical and emotional, attention serves many different purposes in our everyday lives. as adults, it makes us feel recognized, understood, listened to, cared for, important, validated, worth something.

but attention plays many different roles in our lives, depending on what stage we are in. it is also exhibited in vastly different ways throughout the different times in our life.

at infancy, attention is human touch, feeding, shelter, etc. during childhood attention is being listened to, and given boundaries, and being formally taught information. and then there’s adolescence. in adolescence, attention is what gets us through those testing and awkward times of growing and learning through experience, trying and making mistakes, or succeeding. it gives us confidence to wake up and keep going. even though everything is telling us that it is too hard. and since adolescence is so difficult, the previously acceptable levels of attention that we received from our parents throughout childhood really don’t cut it anymore. so our needs meeting mechanisms kick in and create ways to get us as much attention as we possibly can. enter the annoying attention needy behaviors so easily identifiable in teenagers’ actions.

well, the majority of teenagers that make it out of adolescence alive move into another stage of life where attention is needed and demonstrated in a different form. this usually moves into physical and sexual attention. then it transforms into emotional attention. and, ideally, when we find a person that meets out physical and emotional attention needs we usually make some sort of commitment to that person, formal (marriage, if legal, ugh.) or informal (long term relationship, living together).

once we move out of the “get it at all costs, from any and everyone” attention neediness phase of adolescence, attention becomes a commodity. and to get it, you must (should) give it. hence actual relationships. the giving and receiving of multiple forms of attention. commitment to give to someone with the expectation that you’ll also receive. usually, if in an adult relationship one gives more attention than receives (costs/output outweighs the benefits/gains), there is some form adjustment in the relationship to fix this. hopefully in the form of open and honest communication of needs and mutual agreement to work at equal levels of giving. to survive, a (healthy) adult relationship must must must have two way giving of attention to meet each other’s needs.

where the hell am i going with this? right here.

much like in my one way relationships theory, social media and social networking sites are messing with naturally created mechanisms that foster healthy and sustainable relationships.

essentially, social media sites provide an avenue for receiving immediate and instant attention. and as all of us longer time twitterers, or facebook status users can attest to, the feeling like someone is always there listening, caring, and paying attention (giving us attention) is addicting. why is it so addicting? because, theoretically, as an adult we no longer need to give attention to get it. now you may believe that by following others’ status and goings on we are giving attention back. but i will argue that really it is just a passive act of being present on the site that ‘gives’ the attention. therefore it does not take effort or energy. (and you may WANT to give attention to friends and followers, but the act is not necessary)

in principle, this is what we call a win-win. i feel like i am listened to, and cared about, and validated without you having to do anything but be technologically present. and vice versa. so what is the problem in my crazy head, you ask?

the problem is that this immediate and instant attention gives us a false understanding of reasonable levels of attention giving and receiving in our real life romantic relationships. and the more followers on twitter that we have, or the more friends on facebook the more easily attained the attention and the more skewed our view on mutually acceptable levels of giving attention.

here is a blatantly explicit example:
gina (i honestly don’t think i currently know any ginas so this choice of name is to show that this is a completely hypothetical example) is a smart and very attractive woman. she is also very successful in her career, volunteers at the local homeless shelter in her spare time, and models for an organization aimed at breaking stereotypical norms of beauty (though, she is classically beautiful). on top of all of this, she is an entertaining and articulate writer and runs an engaging blog. now… gina clearly has a lot of followers on twitter (i use twitter here because following can occur one way, where as other sites require mutual relational agreement). she is what i would call one hell of a catch. people want to know what the pretty, successful, do-gooder is up to at all times. so they follow. and she engages with her audience (strategic use of the word, yes.) by asking their opinion on which new ipod she should get, or encouraging them to donate to her favorite charity. she is lively and entertaining.
well gina meets a boy in her city that she really likes. so they go on a few dates. and begin getting a little more serious. after a while they become exclusive and things are going well. then gina and boy reach their first ‘we care therefore we fight’ argument.
boy had some friends come in from out of town last minute and needed to postpone plans they made to go to the movie she’s been dying to see. boy explained that his friends were only in town for one night and he really wanted to see them. he promised to go to the movie the next night. gina was so disappointed that she tweeted out to see if anyone wanted to go see the movie with her. she many responses and ended up going with a guy that had been following her blog and on twitter for quite a while.
boy was then upset that she went out with another guy. she explained that she didn’t think that he had any right to be upset, since he broke the plans with her. and they ultimately broke up.

here we have it. the unconscious inequity of the give and take of attention in a relationship. the relationship ended because gina didn’t want to give (understand boy’s situation) as much as boy needed, so she tweeted out that she needed a companion to the movies (attention) and immediately got what she wanted. thereby, completely enforcing in her brain that she was not out of line wanting boy to spend the evening with her. and proving that if he wouldn’t give her the attention she desired that someone else would.
at this point, gina had no need to have to give attention (understand her boy’s request) to actually get it.

obviously, this was all unconscious. but see how easy it is to get addicted to an unrealistic amount of constant and immediate attention?

this constant availability of ‘free’ (no need to give to get) attention is defying the very mechanisms in our brain that encourage, foster, and regulate healthy relationships.

and this is all happening without thought.

leading me to the ever present, ever appropriate question….so, what now?

keep doing it wrong, keep singing along.

last weekend i was talking with a friend about a pretty common website. and the writing done on that website. and though it is a common website, the purpose of it is not inherently good. and in postulating how or why one would write such ummm not positive energy stuff my friend (one that i am just recently getting to actually know) says to me, “i mean, let’s put it this way- i read your writing, and [the writing on that site] is exactly the opposite of your writing.” and at first i was like, ummm, what’s that supposed to mean? and my friend went on to explain.

he said, the thing about your writing is that you put yourself out there a hundred and ten times over. you are genuine, and honest, and transparent, and open. about yourself. and it is enjoyable in a world where we preach transparency on websites and to companies, it is rarely done in such a way that is so … real.

and i was, obviously, immensely complimented. but it really got me thinking. sometimes i write on this blog my rational theories and logical ramblings. and sometimes i pour my guts out. and honestly, i forget that people not only read these blabblings, but identify, and think that i have something to offer. and i guess, if i had one hope of what someone took away from this blog it would be just that- that i am an open, honest, genuine person just navigating my way through life and love like anyone else. and i am not better that anyone for any reason.

so, as i sit in the coffee shop where stephdub.com was born, on a friday afternoon, i will, once again, pour my guts out.

i just finished reading this novel, “all we ever wanted was everything.” and all you really need to know about it is in the title. a common phase that’s meaning never affects me less than the first time i heard it. and i will admit that this week i watched my first and last episode of this season’s the bachelor. it was the finale. and i watched follow up where are they now (6 weeks later) special after.

and while watching the bachelor i, of course, started bawling. i mean b.a.w.l.i.n.g. for a million reasons. first for the cookie cutter ‘perfect’ love that i feel i may never have. then for feeling inadequate for not being as perfect as their love showed them to be. then for feeling sorry for myself for not having that in my life right now. then for feeling desperate. and then i continued crying for the mere fact that i was bawling over the bachelor and over my newly acquired desperation for love.

and this week. it’s been interesting. i have started having complete break down moments in my apartment, by myself, just crying. feeling a complete hole in my heart. and in my life. where i am ready for someone to be. and last night, this break down turned slightly overwhelming. and i just became petrified.

petrified of being desperate. and then thinking that in reality i am absolutely not desperate. because i am in fact petrified of meeting someone. of letting someone in. of becoming vulnerable. i used to throw myself under the vulnerability bus in my last relationship. i would feel and tell him how i felt. and he would tell me that i was feeling too much. i would want to talk about things. finish fights right then and there. and now, i watch people on tv, and friends in my life react to relationship situations and i think. that was me. i did that. and now, no way. now, i’d walk away. now i’d shut down. i was never the ’shutdown’er. i was the thunderstorm of thoughts and emotions. and my boyfriend was the shutdowner. would just tell me to leave his house when we had a fight (i’d want to finish it right then and there).

and so there i was- having a total total rock bottom emotional freak out. unable to decide if i am desperate for love and affection, or petrified of it, want to run in the total opposite direction of it. and, well, that’s where i remain. completely overwhelmed with my bipolar thoughts feelings and emotions. realizing that i have never been here, at this interesting moment of single life. (this month it will be three years of single.)

(and about to enter to holyland of hookups- SXSW. maybe this will help? :/ )

if you wanna get big time, go ahead and get, get big time. ah, ah… oh, give and give and give it, until you just can’t give no more.

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

i was thinking about the concept of crushing. you know, having a crush on someone. and, though i understand some of the psychological benefits of getting a crush on someone, i realllllly can’t get past some of the icky effects of having said crush.
so, we have all these chemicals in our brian that make us blissfully sheltered from the harsh realities of life. they allow us to ‘be happy’ and see things positively. actually, they say that, simply put, clinically depressed people see the world with more of an accurate lens. these chemicals don’t allow them to float through life thinking that there are good things where others do. now, those of us that are not depressed, or are taking supplemental chemicals for it, see things as generally good. people as generally good. life as generally good.

so, back to a crush. why is it that crushes seem to ALLOW us to blatantly ignore anything real that is not one hundred percent positive. it seems that when we crush, our crushee can do no wrong. we get dressed with the anticipation of the first time our eyes meet that night. we arrange our schedules to allow for the maximum amount of possible hang out time. maybe we see them and get butterflies. we talk to them about all the things we have in common. and sooner or later this crush becomes the next persn we want to date. and efforts move forward in that direction.

but. these feel good chemicals that incite all the previously mentioned behaviors sometimes do us a total disservice. they allow us to spiral into wanting to date someone, without ACTUALLY knowing the whole story about them. we only know the good things. s/he is cute. funny. charming. intelligent. and that is all we need to know to swoon.

so, there was this boy. and he was cute, and we had so much in common. we knew some of the same groups of people. we had similar interests. interesting conversations. and i had a full blown crush. now this crush, thank goodness, didn’t last because of one awkward dating situation or another and i was able to get a more accurate view of who this guy was. and from that awkward moment on, everything he did and said kind of annoyed me. so i immediately started beating myself up for ever crushing on such a stupid boy. and become mad about the crush induced things i did. thinking, ‘why couldn’t i have seen all these things before so i didn’t waste my time on that boy.’  (so i don’t feel the need to berate myself for NOT seeing those things.)
not to get all academic geek on you, but i get the evolutionary psychology perspective on why the tendency to ‘crush’ is a positive thing that helps us survive. relationships are hard work. and we would not actively get into them if we had a realistic vision of all the good AND bad things about a person. it’s the same as the concept of romantic love. our brains trick us into falling for someone, so that once we get into a relationship and this romance fades we are already too deep in to abandon ship. and as cognitive dissonance theory suggests, we as humans would much rather change our beliefs than our behavior when the two don’t match up. so, our brains give us a nice chemical cocktail of happy love juice so that we fall (crush) for someone that we don’t know too much about. we act like we’ve fallen (see previous list of ‘crush’ like behaviors) and then when that cocktail wears off we are in a relationship and have to deal with the hard, honest, and real parts of that relationship. and the only way to rationalize what, in retrospect, we see as something we maybe would not have gotten into (actively) if we knew these things earlier is to change our belief about the not so positive things that we are feeling. because we can’t change the behavior (it’s already done!). so we then enter round two of happy juice lies and tricks our brian plays on us to induce all those ‘crush’ like feelings again cause we were happy then. and we change our beliefs about the things we may not like, to thinking positively about them. and the cycle continues.

but here’s the thing. what we REALLY need is not a happycrush cocktail of illusions when we meet someone, but a realistic person preview. like a realistic job preview. we need to know what we are getting ourselves into. i mean, what if that awkward dating moment had not snapped me out of my crush and i started dating a guy that thinks he is way more important than he actually is?! THEN i’d be in trouble. so my request to you, brain- i want to see accurately and clearly, and if it takes a few times before accurate and clear equals actual things in common, intelligent conversation, mutual attraction, and so forth then so be it. i’ll deal with meeting some not so great guys, just don’t trick me into falling for them. please! thank you.

like a breath. take in restraint like a breath. my lungs are so numb from holding back. eh, from holding back.

pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon.
this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better.
and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it.
have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating.
and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it.
i have been writing a blog since my ‘thebestofnothing’ live journal days in the year 2000. but no one cared. no one followed. then my myspace blog provided me an outlet to analyze. but my best friends said, “why would we read your blog? we are your best friends, we know everything about you.” and then i move to SF where in week one i was asked if i had a blog, was considered a bona fide writer. everyone out here got me. and this blog. and thinks i give good perspective. and expresses their similarities and support. and it is amazing. but it’s overwhelming. i know i created this amazing life and blog and so happy and thankful. but i’m trying to figure out my dating life in the basic way, and now here i am this girl that writes a dating blog where dating me means immense social implications. and it’s fine and great. but i just don’t know how to do it.
it’s a new thing for me to be in a conversation with a friend about a boy i met and for her to ask “so what are you looking for… oh wait i read your blog i know- casual or serious.” and i love it, it’s amazing to be in a place where people enjoy my writing and my crazy analytical steph self. but no one can deny that it is probably a bit much to handle if you are a new guy that i meet. and yes i know that the one for me won’t care, and will get me and yes yes yes. but getting to know someone through dating is two ways and better off slow and this blog speeds up that process to the tenth degree. and i am worried that i am forever inhibiting my ability to take it slow with a boy i like. to tell him my history, to talk exes and schemas and fears and hopes and dreams and. sigh.
i’m just trying to find the balance of mutual information sharing and living my dream of being understood by people. today i feel like i am on the high end of a teeter-totter where i have no option but to dangle my legs and wait for the boy on the ground to decide if he wants to push back up to level it out.
i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it

i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never their own fear. and i am sorry, but i am not a maiden fair, and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.

so there is something very telling about people. and their interest in you. definitely romantically, but also platonically. and this little something is one of those things that is so very apparent that i think sometimes we (me) purposely avoid seeing it in our relationships.

i have a tendency, wait… had a tendency, to put in the majority of the effort in all my relationships. especially in the early stages of romantic ones (ok, and in friendships too). and i suppose part of this is because maybe i wanted ‘it’ more. the ‘relationship’ the ‘friendship’ the …connection.

when i meet someone that i think i want to get to know better (whether or not i have decided i want it to be romantical yet or not… well especiallllllllly if i want it to maybe be romantical) i usually want to know everything about them. so i ask. about everything. and this is the get to know you period. the opening up.

but there is this tell tell tell tale sign that i am on a different page from them in the aim for connection story that i seem to always and conveniently and unconsciously deny. when they don’t ask back. they don’t want to know everything about me.
i mean we all like to talk about ourselves. hell, i write a blog about myself. it’s easier to talk about ourselves. we know the subject so well. it doesn’t even take concentration. and when someone else is leading he conversation by blatantly asking us about ourselves then hell… it’s even enjoyable. but there is this unassuming sneaky situation that i seem to get myself into all the time- asking all the questions, learning all the info, and never being probed. and i seem to settle for these types of relationships. well did.

and usually i get the slap in the face i had been ignoring once i acquire everything about them i need to know to be sure that i ‘like’ them. what i am really engaged in is a one way relationship. one way knowledge sharing. one. way. interest.
i don’t know WHY i do this. but like i said, i do it with all types of relationships. i feel as though what i have to say is not valuable. and forget that someone may actually want to know about me. and go on creating these relationships where the other person feels great and loved and paid attention to and acknowledged and validated. and then there is me. and usually i don’t even get to the “and then there is me” point. i just go on unconsciously getting none of my relational needs met. continuously entering these types of relationships cause they are all i know. thereby feeding the self fulfilling prophecy of a relational schema.
so, i think for the most part, at 25 i can finally see this pattern starting at the beginning of a friendship and can cut it out (hand motions included). and have even slowly weened past friends like this out of my life. and i am so lucky to have a group of friends that ask me questions about my life, and care about what i have to say and how i feel and yea.

but, the romatical side of this little relational habit is more difficult to break. but there are just sometimes where i step back, gain some perspective, and say… wait. a. minute. and unfortunately at this point the only one with anything ‘lost’ is me. my time. my energy. my efforts to get to know the other. they haven’t put anything in. and therefore have nothing lost. actually they probably unconsciously gained from me praising them with interrogating attention.

so it sucks when i realize that, yet again, i am putting in all the effort in the preromantical relationship. because, ultimately, all it means is that they are not interested in getting to know me the way that i am them. because. when you are interested in someone, you want. to. know. them. everything about them.

and it’s funny. i have this vision of my perfect partner. and one of the main things about him is that he gets me, or wants to, and doesn’t misunderstand me. or my thoughts, or my needs (if i admit i have them, which, to my perfect partner i will, because he will care). but for some reason this image of the PP doesn’t make it into my everyday reality. we think out of context and act in context i suppose. but it’s weird how instinctually i internalize this as the image of a relationship. someone that calls me to talk about them. someone that waits for me to text them. someone that continuously lets me ask them to hang out. someone that will probably not ‘get me.’

and it’s also sad that when this isn’t the case, my whole mind body and soul get so excited they don’t know what to do. but talk. and keep talking. and it is at those times where i am speaking so passionately and am an consumed with someone wanting to know about me that first i stop- and ask “oh my god, do you even care?!” and then i apologize for speaking so passionatley about my life and goals and loves, and then internally mull over the interaction later and ask myself why i am so surprised when someone DOES ask about me.

this exact situation happened to me a little while back. someone asked me about my writing, and explained that he really got it. and was asking me all these questions about my goals and dreams and i found myself 3 beers in SO enthusiastically BLABBING about my life that i stopped myself midsentence and blurted out “oh my god! do you even care!?” (i was SO used to someone not asking that out of shear excitement i couldn’t stop myself from speaking) and his response was so perfect. so stop-me-in-my-tracks-and-get-it inducing that sometimes i repeat these words to myself to regain confidence and trust in the universe that there are people out there that want to know, and ‘get it.’ he said, quite simply, “no, you’re right. i don’t care. can you please tell me about something you’re NOT passionate about. tell me about something you are really indifferent about.”

so. in my intense longing for connection i tend to idealize really normal things, believe that one way relationships where i put in all the effort are the usual, and deem my desire to have someone know me unimportant.

i’m sick of asking all the questions. of putting in all the work. and i have no one but myself to blame (well, my psyche). by (unconsciously) creating this relational habit i have in turn attracted only these relationships into my life. and if these are all i’m getting IRL (in real life) i might as well sit in my bed and stalk cute boys on facebook all day. cause, essentially, i can learn everything about them from the internets that i would by asking questions, and create a one way relationship in which they know nothing about me and i am left dreaming of a day where they would want to know me.

so what is worse. actually having relationships, one way as they may be. or, waiting, longing and hoping for a boy who wants to know what’s going on in the crazy mind of steph. sigh.

i wouldn’t say the word now but this is not what I meant, for a woman that’s fallen over head and ears and still so warm, but i’m lonely too, suddenly she is still and says, “i hope that things will be better here.”

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?
for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations.

and i mean. i guess this isn’t bad. some people are shy. and texting allows these people to maybe say things they normally wouldn’t to someone’s face or through the phone lines/waves. because they can plan what they want to say they actually say it rather than letting shyness overcome them. it allows people to overcome time zones and scheduling conflicts. and it allows little bits of unexpected communication to come through. but does it allow people to be cowardly when a phone conversation is in fact appropriate? and now a days, with picture texts we don’t even need to verbalize what we are doing to someone, we just need to send a photo. a picture says a thousand words right?

but don’t words, spoken words, still serve a purpose when getting to know someone. isn’t the point of having a vulnerable conversation ‘verbally’ because you are connecting over the mere fact that you are opening up and putting yourself out there as well as the subject you are actually talking about?

so i’m torn on how i feel about texting and dating. in some cases it allows you to get to know someone in a less vulnerable way, encouraging you to open up more with out such consequences. get to know someone that is possible unavailable to see physically, or talk to on the phone. get to know someone when you may have been too shy to otherwise.

but it also allows you to create this fantastical relationship with the person on the other end of texting. because you can script what you want to say. you can wait before replying. you can ask other’s opinions. and to me… this seems dangerously unfortunate. because it’s obvious why texting has become a tried and true method of getting to know someone. there is less rejection. there is less vulnerability. there is more romance. there is more ability to be the person we hope to be (not just reacting to our environment).

and the rules of texting are really unclear. you can say you mistexted something if you feel embarrassed that you said it. you can claim to have never received a text if you want to avoid the subject. you can reply when ever you want, minutes or hours later. or never. and never touch the subject of the unanswered text, because god knows the person looking for an answer is not going to bring it up out of shear embarrassment of no response. smiley faces and exclamation points carry immense amount of weight, and less can be more or a very bad sign.
and i will most certainly not even begin to speak about drunk texting.
so my attempt to analyze the pros and cons of texting in dating has, yet again, turned into a clusterfuck of positive and negative uses of communication technology creating the ever eloquent and romantic catch 22 of information sharing enroute to connection. sigh.

though i may not know the right things to say
i’ll get it out to you one day
i’m shy that way

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.
through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit.

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into.

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic.

my basic question i guess is why is it so hard for me to open myself up to possible connections with people who ARE available to me? i mean don’t i preach at length at how all ever want in life is earth shattering connection? so why do i only allow myself to make such connections with unavailable people. i suppose the only answer is that i’m scared. maybe of rejection. cause when an available person and connection with that person don’t work, i will inevitably blame myself. but at least with connection with unavailable others i can blame something else. like a significant other, or distance, or whatever. and i can get over it and move on.

but for a million reasons these connections seem to a) keep popping up in my life, and b) tend to be really really real. they tend to be so real and intense because neither involved has any other agenda than pure genuine openness because we know that we are not getting to know each other in hopes of dating. cause circumstances make that irrational, unreasonable, and unavailable. and we are OBviously a culture that does not value anything else.

its a catch 22 (shocker). i could open myself to connections with people ‘available’ and become extra vulnerable in the beginning of possible relationship (because i may be rejected). and may never find this connection which equals MAJOR rejection. or i can have an amazing connection with someone for a moment in time that will inevitably end (so i tell myself- all while actually letting myself be consumed by the romatical feelings that this might work, that love might prevail and the impossible become reality).

i have just put my foot in my mouth. seeing as i (ugh) apparently love and value vulnerability. no. i just like vulnerability when it is genuine AND used with the intent to connect. but what i hate about the vulnerability in the above catch 22 is that it is also one way. cause i have to open up nearly everyone not knowing if they will like me back, or open up back, or connect. and because some people just don’t like some people. i will say that certain people i open up to will NOT like me and connect. rejection on a mass scale.

so what is worse. having connection that ends because of something totally out of your control, or being closed off to a possible connection that may not end because it may never happen (rejection).

this is hard. i’m confused. still. usually i end unconfused, talking through my thoughts and theories and craziness and boom, i feel better and resolved. but this one is different.

what is worth more: vulnerability or connection? save face (not be vulnerable) and create an awesome intense connection that will end in heartbreak… or become vulnerable and alone in hopes of creating connection that will last but never knowing if it will lead to actual connection or just rejection.

is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? or is the heartbreak that comes with a connection ended just cruel punishment?

help. it’s possible that i cannot help myself on this one. because i am addicted to the unavailable connections (cause they are real, and genuine) but know and love the value of vulnerability.

dear chicago,
you’ll never guess. 
you know the girl you said I’d meet someday? 
well, I’ve got something to confess. 
she picked me up on friday. 
asked me if she reminded me of you. 
i just laughed and lit a cigarette, 
said “that’s impossible to do. “