social media and my one way relationships

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality, i knew, was a hopeless to be had

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it become one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life).

so here’s the trouble. social media has screwed this up. what i seem to find myself doing is ‘liking’ someone based on things that i found out about them on the interwebs. i explained this before but its like i’ve got this idea of an awesome guy in my head (you know those stupid little list things like loves riding his bike, wears chucks, likes music, geeky sensitive, loves coffee and ice cream- the superficial norms : ) and i find out via socail media sites that he likes these things and i begin planning the wedding. ha. but, really, i have decided that i like him already. based on things that i can check off, not feelings or connection. so i’ve now committed to liking him based off of the one way gathering of information.

i’ve addressed some of the many things wrong with that already. but heres where it really disrupts the healthy dating game. so, i already know i ‘like’ you. and you’re perfect for me. we’re perfect for each other. and all i have to do is convince you of that. so when we are IRL (in real life) and we should be getting to know each other, in my mind i already know everything i need to, and my main focus is on trying to get you to like me. all my energy is spent hoping you like me back, focused on getting you to be into me. and then if you don’t- yep, rejection. even if it is not public. it sucks. and then i’m mad at myself for spiraling into social media obsessiveness and liking and it was all one way and basically false!

so i guess, the next logical step to fix this is- duh, steph- have some  self control. don’t stalk him on the interwebs. but come on. the concept of self control was invented before the internet. and it’s just so easy to find yourself spiraling. because, well… its romantic. wouldn’t it be great if he fits all these box checker qualities AND we have a connection. it would be purely romatical. and perfect and lovey.

so yea. my conscious effort to not tell people when i like someone allows me to process my liking, make sure it is something i want to pursue – not just a crush. and keep some dignity if it turns out he doesn’t like me. this dignity positively influencing my morale in the dating game. all encouraging me to try try again. but here i am, using social media as some intense form of self sabotage.

as a good friend of mine reminds me- sometimes i need to get a grip. the thing about self control is that, uh, it’s not easy. but nothing worth anything ever is. so from here on out. self control it is. i’m saying it out loud. hold me accountable, friends.

he said, “it’s all in your head” and i said, “so is everything,” but he didn’t get it.

i just want to have a good time, just like everybody else.

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.

so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).

so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.

but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?

and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.

so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.

i want to have a good time, just like everybody, and i don’t want to fall apart…i just wanna have a good time just like everybody else and i don’t wanna fall apart this time so would you please invite me in….come on and take a spin, hey i got a brand new set of wings.

social media and my obsessive need to find info that i should not know …

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets.

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy!

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed.

after finding myself spiraling into planning my marriage to a boy i’ve never met this weekend, i have come to the conclusion that social media sites encourage and foster an unhealthy one way relationship that may just lead to setting unrealistic expectations (read: let downs, sadness, and heartbreak).

nowadays we are able to, really, find out just about anything we want to know regarding someone and their standing in our lists of “perfect partner qualities.” i will not reiterate my love in a time of social media post, however, the ability to check of the boxes on our lists based on information that we learned via social networking sites really just encourages the the one person rise up the relationship ladder (read: me literally super sad that my girlfriend met my ’soul mate’ last week in chicago and because he lives there he and i are not able to get married. what.?!.) now, how did i know he was my soulmate?

well, first and foremost, she told me that i would love him. and, let’s be honest, thats probably enough ;). but she then began to *list* the reasons why. (see aforementioned examples of things that possibly make up someone’s list). and then she sent me his blog. and THEN it spiraled (love in a time of social media, again). and next thing i knew i was starting at pictures of him on myspace whilst reading his about me and wholeheartedly feeling heartbroke because he lives in another state (one i just moved out of!!) and therefore i will never be with the love of my life. . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

nothing. he fit, quite perfectly, all the things on my easy to check off list. but, oh yea- we’ve never met, may never meet, live across the country… and he likes my girlfriend. so what now?

i’m left feeling sad, undesired, and like i will not find the one boy in SF that owns coffee shops, women’s vintage clothing stores, internet start-ups, music venues, and owns and fixes photo booths. but in ACTUALITY, it has nothing to do with him as a person at all. because i don’t know him. and, honestly, i shouldn’t give up on the san fran smart entrepreneurial chuck wearing 5 o’clock shadow having photo booth loving sensitive boy who believes in ‘good people’ and midwestern values all while riding his bike with his buddy holly glasses population- lucky 13 has to have at least one that will fit my needs.

but until i find him, i’m making a conscious effort to NOT turn into crazy myspace stalker girl, sabotage my dating life, and quickly and easily find ‘box’ checking info. even if it is flaunting itself in my face waiting for me to find.

so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen…

friends and dating… dating friends?

…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…

after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed  so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts.

so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)

i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.)  we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved.

and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational.

so the situation- you meet a guy/girl at a party/bar. you’re attracted, and probably a little ‘relaxed’ from cocktails, and you begin giving each other romantic attention. this could lead to ending the night at one of your houses, or meeting up another night while at the bar, or both, and so on. but it is usually socially based (friends around), with adult beverages involved and physical motivators. it is what it is. we all do it, and we’ve all done it.

now, some of these ‘relationships’ (for a very loose definition of the term) last for one night (the initial meeting) and some may last a few weeks, or may even be ongoing for more than that. but the characteristics of the situation remains the same – socially based, alcoholically induced, physical attraction and attention.

so, the longer it goes on the more the ‘friends’ get involved. mostly to lessen the awkwardness of the situation, really, the friends begin to question you about you- who you are, what you do, what you want to do, your hobbies, likes, dislikes… etc. and since you are physically involved with their friend there is no pressure, or judgement. neither of you really has anything to lose. so you open up, there are no stakes attached to the relationship. and its just honest getting to know one another…  you are creating a connection based friendship… duh dun duh (see where this is going?)

so, we’ve instantly got a logical arithmetic equation for dating-

a) it makes sense that we would be attracted, emotionally, physically and mentally to someone that we have dated, or began to date’s friends. and the older we get the more acceptable and encouraged it is to not think of it as such a big deal. +
b) relationships that last do not actually start physically because friendship allows for a non vulnerable space where true connection can be created

= logically wanting to seriously date/have an actual relationship with the friend of someone you have ‘physically’ and not seriously dated.

hmph.

as always- now what? so you and so and so’s friend now have this real and honest connection but you’re the girl/guy that so and so hooked up with. making you, honestly, much less umm… yea. so what are the next steps? are there any? or are we just forced to let go of the honest connection and chance at something good, because we wanted attention from someone we were attracted to at a bar one night however long ago.

are we just constantly sabotaging ourselves(myself)?! i’m beginning to think that it’s possible…

fire compels, fire consumes you are a cheater, you are fire proof…

venus square saturn – love in a time of social media

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them.

we share our entire lives on these sites. why? for a million and one reasons… but quite simply, its addicting as all get out. humans are addicted to attention- and putting our entire lives on the inerwebs for others to see and experience is a sure fire way to feel like somebody cares. whether that/those somebodies are our friends, strangers, acquaintances, boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, people we don’t know or, god forbid, people we want to know.

so we put everything about us onto the information super highway and buckle up for a crazy relational ride. because, the thing about knapp’s staircase model is that it is an interpersonal relationship model. that means between two people. and this interpersonal model relies on specific communication checks and balances that ensure that stepping onto the next tier of the relationship is mutually decided. and the best thing about these theories and stairs is that you and i, every day daters, don’t need to really even be aware that there are checks and balances as we navigate through our relationships… they just happen. or did. until social media.

we currently find ourselves in a place in time where stepping up the stairs ( consciously or unconsciously) can happen without the other parter even knowing.

lets break this down. pre social media days:

stage one -initiating- first meeting with another, attempt to appear pleasant and likeable (read: dance at the bar, buy a drink for someone at the bar, meet at the supermarket in the deli aisle, meet someone on the bus/at the park/ or doing any other common activity)
stage two -experimenting- discovering the unknown, limited commitment, appears casual (ask for phone number, go on a date, discuss family, discuss life/employment/hobbies)
stage three- intensifying- self disclosure increases, and we reveal a lot more, “we” pronouns are used, expressions that we have, little code words that no one else knows (’dating’, discussing future/hopes/fears, sharing secrets)
stage four – integrating- intensification of intimacy, close friends involved, disclosure increases, continuation of stage three, begin to formulate opinions as a couple (say, “we are doing this”, others treat you as a couple, there is romance, common property, common space)
stage five- bonding- for all simple purposes this is a formal commitment to the relationship that others will hold you do (marriage, moving in together).

ok then there are 5 stages of coming apart. and at the end of those 5 there is usually the ‘death’ of the relationship. however, though the stages do always go in order, a relationship can go though them over and over without actually ‘dying.’ they are natural phases. haven’t you ever woken up one day and looked at your significant other and thought “i don’t even know him/her anymore.” well, then start at the bottom of the stairs! get to know them again (ps that is a conscious way fix a relationship before letting it get bad enough to break up! when things get difficult… think about the things you did when you first started dating, and the excitement they brought, and do them again!)

so what the hell does social media have to do with this?

social media has the power to take away all the ‘interpersonal’ parts of meeting, experimenting, intensifying, and integrating. how much can you find out about a person via facebook, their blog, myspace, and the ultimate… twitter- age, birthday, family life, hometown, sports in high school, college, favorite movies, favorite music, job, friends, hobbies, inside jokes (wall posts from friends), what they did that weekend (pics), what they are doing this weekend (events)… and then the more personal via blog (especially if they are anything like my oddly unprivate emotional self) – hopes, fears, things that make them happy, sad, scared, vulnerable, loved, frustrated, nervous, excited, etc…

essentially, we can gain all the information we need for our heads and hearts to saunter up those relationship stairs without the other person even knowing!

now, again, i could explicitly describe each and every dating situation and how social media would affect it but you get the picture. but i will just emphasize the ‘coming apart’ stages are just as influenced by social media. ex: we break up the- relationship dies- but i can start at the bottom of the stairs, or even just a few steps down by following you on twitter, or reading your blog… because it is like i am still there, experiencing and intensifying with you.

that’s it. no judgment social media, just an honest acknowledgement that of course dating seems to be getting harder and harder for us! we are physically defying the dating game that our mental selves have been conditioned to play.

we are entering a world where the rules of the dating game are changing before we’ve even figured out how win. we are no longer sharing information, opening up, and becoming vulnerable based on the aforementioned rules of the game: give and take. we are subjecting ourselves to vulnerability without the ‘other’ validating and accompanying us throughout the process.

i welcome you -fascinating, exciting, and emotionally overloaded world of social media that is so chaotically unknown… but i’m watching you.