Entries Tagged 'schemas' ↓

imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling

pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon. 

this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better. 

and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it. 

have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating. 

and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it. Continue reading →

took a ride on the love wheel. scary, scary go-round and around. honey, honey I don’t want none of your money. i just want off before we hit the ground.

so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish. Continue reading →

oh la we’ve got a lot to learn from each other.
we’ve got to stick together.

so there is something very telling about people. and their interest in you. definitely romantically, but also platonically. and this little something is one of those things that is so very apparent that i think sometimes we (me) purposely avoid seeing it in our relationships. 

i have a tendency, wait… had a tendency, to put in the majority of the effort in all my relationships. especially in the early stages of romantic ones (ok, and in friendships too). and i suppose part of this is because maybe i wanted ‘it’ more. the ‘relationship’ the ‘friendship’ the …connection. 

when i meet someone that i think i want to get to know better (whether or not i have decided i want it to be romantical yet or not… well especiallllllllly if i want it to maybe be romantical) i usually want to know everything about them. so i ask. about everything. and this is the get to know you period. the opening up. 

but there is this tell tell tell tale sign that i am on a different page from them in the aim for connection story that i seem to always and conveniently and unconsciously deny. when they don’t ask back. they don’t want to know everything about me. 

i mean we all like to talk about ourselves. hell, i write a blog about myself. it’s easier to talk about ourselves. we know the subject so well. it doesn’t even take concentration. and when someone else is leading he conversation by blatantly asking us about ourselves then hell… it’s even enjoyable. but there is this unassuming sneaky situation that i seem to get myself into all the time- asking all the questions, learning all the info, and never being probed. and i seem to settle for these types of relationships. well did. 

and usually i get the slap in the face i had been ignoring once i acquire everything about them i need to know to be sure that i ‘like’ them. what i am really engaged in is a one way relationship. one way knowledge sharing. one. way. interest. Continue reading →

break my heart a little wider open, so the whole world falls inside

so. i am 25. which may seem like nothing to many, seeing as many of the people in my life have seen and bid farewell to 25 years ago. but it is weird. twenty five and single. and hopelessly clinging to the idea of ‘the one.’ with no actual prospects, and no idea how to take my own advice about finding the one. 

i was never one of those girls that planned out at what age she would get married, or have kids. in fact, whenever i tried to think of anything after college my mind was black. i have no idea in what city i will be married. what my home will look like. what he will look like. where we will raise our children. where we will honeymoon. what our ‘how we met story’ will sound like. or, really anything. 

but in my desperation to believe that there will be someone that fits the unimaginable picture i have been noticing some sad (?) behavior on my part. i tend to obsess over these little things about boys that i meet and add these little things to the image in my head of my perfect mate. but these things are oddly normal. and i wonder- why do i place such ’should be expected’ things on a pedestal? why isn’t the image of my perfect mate comprised of huge values and characteristics? 

for example. why do get overwhelmed with love and emotion when i see a man wearing a wedding ring. and my first though is “oh, thank god, he believes. he believes in commitment, and relationships, and love.” i mean, fifty percent of people are married. why is THAT my first thought. or meeting a guy who has gone to couples therapy. why is my first though “oh i love that he gets it, and wants to make it work.” or the guy carrying the bouquet of flowers on the train during rush hour. or the guy in a band belting out about the one that broke his heart.  why to i long so deeply for these little silly things. things that one should expect from a partner. at least should believe she deserves. 

maybe its because i have dated emotionally unexpressive people. leading me to live breathe and die for any small sign of affection. or maybe because i fall for the unavailable people in my life. or maybe because i am not used to admitting, to myself or anyone else, that i have emotional needs. maybe it is because i haven’t seriously dated anyone in geezus two and a half years. but whatever the reasoning, i can’t even imagine what it is like to date someone who gets it. who lets himself fall. i don’t even know if i remember what it’s like to be in a relationship. and i know that i haven’t really experienced what it is like to be with someone that wants people to know that we are together, and that could not imagine being with anyone other than me. a guy that expresses feelings. HAS feelings. embraces feelings. BELIEVES IN LOVE. 

so here i am, at twenty five. feeling SO FAR BEHIND in the dating game. how am i supposed to imagine a life of marriage and babies and love and commitment when i can’t even imagine having a boyfriend. someone who wants to see me as much as i want to see him. and can and will tell me that. 

twenty five. in a new city. with a million friends. and no dates. no mutual connections. and no idea how or where to even begin. 

would you meet me in the windy city
when i come down from the sky 

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal. 

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.

through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit. 

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into. 

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic. Continue reading →

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling of incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell. Continue reading →

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets. 

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy! 

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed. Continue reading →

…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…

after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed  so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts. 

so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)

i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.)  we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved. 

and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational. Continue reading →

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them. Continue reading →

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22. 

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh. 

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. Continue reading →