i am no wimpy scaredy cat.

you do me wrong now, my love is strong now…

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.

it’s not really about you, or you. but you think you know.

there really ain’t no difference, in michigan and maine… if you ain’t here to see this, i’m missing just the same.

open all night (seveneleven)

so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.

and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.

so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.

the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.

what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.

and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.

the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.

and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.

i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.

the blues- jason isbell and the 400 unit

one. step. at. a. time.

attempting to discover… where to begin. you’re weighed down, you’re full of something… you’re underneath it all.

lucky number seven.

this week has been interesting. you’ve clearly seen how, um, introspective i’ve been, just through my writing. i guess that’s what vacation/traveling does for me. when i go to nola, it’s like…times a million. and i’ve mentioned that i’m at this odd moment of life, where i feel more in line with who i am, and who i am supposed to be than ever. and i’ve had almost ‘looking on from above’ experiences of breaking relational patterns that are not good for me. and i’m in a such a moment of life where everything is perfect. and messy. and raw. and uncertain.

and all i’m trying to do is make it. one step at a time. actually, what i’m trying to do is be ok with only going one step at a time. you see, my writing, my reading, my studying- it all adds up to me putting this immense amount of pressure on myself to implement the things i know about relationships into my own life. it’s like “the shoemaker’s children have no shoes” syndrome. but the opposite. i figure that because i’ve identified a relational pattern, or schema, without the help of a therapist, then i must figure out how to get over that pattern…instantly.

and sometimes, like i’ve said, i get to the point where i know why i am there, and what got me there, but not really what to do about it. and more importantly, i know what i need to do moving forward in relationships… but what about the ones i already have? the ones that were created with the not so healthy relationship patterns? how i do say to those people, “oh, you just filled an unhealthy need in my life that i have realized is unhealthy, and i can’t and don’t want to do this anymore,” when they are not in any place to realize that i probably filled the same pattern for them?

well, either way, i’ve been very introspective this week. in a very ok with lots and lots of alone, figure it out, time. for example, i’m writing this day’s, saturday’s, blog post at 11 pm. because today i did exactly what i needed. i spent a lot of quality time with a few select people that i knew would get it. because, as i begin to figure it all out… i realize that some of the people in my life don’t quite get it. get that i want to figure it out. or that there is more.

and this week i was able to pull myself away from the situation, life, and mostly, others‘ relational issue projection and just be ok. with me. myself.

this month is probably boring some of you. a blog post a day about steph finding herself in a much less analytical, much less rational and theoretical way. it’s much more… messy. and i’m trying to just be ok with that. so you should too. one day, you’ll be able to say, remember when she was a mess, writing a blog a day about new agey nonsense trying to find herself? look at her now.

hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery. oh it’s the little things you miss, like waking up, all alone. it’s the little things you miss, when you’re underneath it all…and all your friends seem like enemies when you’re broken down and empty…

waiting. city and colour.

call it… intuition….

you must, stick up for yourself son. nevermind, what anybody else done. stick up for yourself, son. nevermind what anybody else done.

high five.

so, i said i was going to try and decipher what sorts of things i learned in the two year stint that saturn took a tour of my astrological seventh house while holding hands with my sun in virgo.

so here is one that i am feeling especially strong and proud of.

you see, as children, we all grow up with certain understandings and ways of the world and wounds passed on to us from our parents. some of these things are grossly positive, and some not so much. some we get therapy for, and some we never even know we had a choice about. either way, our experiences as a child make us who we are today.

the thing is, thanks to the field of psychology, we know that there are a number of experiences children face that manifest themselves in adults in similar ways. as somewhat conscious or self aware adults, we might call these ‘issues’ or ’schemas’ or any other specific reason that someone else has been know to identify with some of the shit you’re trying to figure out in your adult life. for example, “abandonment issues,” “boundary issues,” “daddy complex,” “emotionally detached,” “emotionally needy.”

these terms are unfortunate though, because they come with such negative connotations that other people, with dissimilar issues, ascribed to them. anyway, i digress.

i have no idea what schema this came from in my life (actually i do, but it’s not really anything you need to know), but i used to have this crazy immense care and concern for what other people thought, and thought of me. now, i’m sure you either had one of two(ish) reactions to that statement. “screw that, you should never care about what other people think. live for you” or “i completely understand, or i still care about what other people think. (and either want to stop, or not even).” because, honestly, the childhood experiences that cause these schemas, or wounds, are very common. and as a child we learned to cope in some way. often these ways of coping fall into two main categories (like above).

so anyway, it is what it is. and usually, believe it or not, we often attract people to us with similar schemas, but opposite coping mechanisms (pull away/cling on tighter, or shut down and ignore/scream louder and lose control). (brilliance)

and this greatly affects our relationships. mostly, if our schemas are deeply enough ingrained, therapy and/or some major self help are the only ways to move on.

well, thanks to an insensitive ex boyfriend (read: the ‘who cares what others’ think’ stance), and being sick of feeling hurt by what others thought or did, or more importantly listening to everyone else, because i cared about their opinions too much…. i do believe that i worked through one of my deepest and hardest relational schemas.

i’m obsessed with perspective. the concept. the noun. the verb of getting. all of it. and i’m sure it stems for caring what everyone thought… about everything. but when perspective truly became important in my life is when i learned its importance to ME. perspective is just there. it does not at all imply importance, or value. it just is.

and once we are able to see things ‘in perspective’ we are able to accurately use it as information included in everything that guides a decision.

but getting to this place of being able to hear and see perspective, and welcome it with an open heart is very difficult. because schemas are, essentially, defense mechanisms that our mind creates to get us through an undesirable experience. and as we know, when defenses are up, no learning or growing or true processing can occur. we are too close to fight or flight, too worried about defending ourselves/survival.

where the hell am i going with all of my psycho babble? right here. i have shed myself of a major defense mechanism, and learned how to gather perspective, for what it is, balance it with what i know and feel, and make choices that i am confident and comfortable with. in life. without placing more importance than deserved on others’ thoughts or suggestions, but also while not placing inflated value on my own.

mostly (keeping with the november theme of new agey, psycho spiraling i’ve been doing), i’ve learned to listen to my gut. and trust it. and allow it to be guided by perspective. not by others’ projected relationship issues. and i’ve learned decipher the difference between the two.

call it listening to my intuition, if you will. but my dear saturn, i’ve learned how to do more that listen to it. i’ve learned to trust, respect, and honor it. even if it makes sense to no one, and i can’t even explain it to myself (see, just embracing feelings).

we live in a society where we are constantly judged and expected to justify everything we say, do, and feel. and all of that is the opposite of intuition.

intuition is loving yourself enough to listen, trust, and be guided by feelings that maybe even you don’t thoroughly understand. it’s calm, and not extreme. often subtle. and we are taught to suppress it. and hide it. and are shamed for it. we are taught extremes- care too much what other people think, or not enough. intuition is listing to what is, and what feels. not what thinks.

you get the point. i’ve fully learned how to assess other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, judgments and wounds and my own, in such a way that i trust and love every decision i make.

i am me. and i love it. but i love the perspective you give, too. i listen to my gut.

the whole world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs. and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear… your wounds with p r i d e.

‘Ambling Alp’- Yeasayer

embracing feelings, not trying to manage them.

roll, up your sleeves for winter, and i can wait till summer, when you’re warmer. roll, up your sleeves we’re heading for winter i know, the nights will get colder. and i’ll make my bed, make sure i’m all fed and asleep, and wake when we’re older.

day 4.

and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.

so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?

another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.

so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.

and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.

well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.

and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.

and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”

i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.

i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.

stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm,  stay calm, stay calm. stay calm. stay calm. keep warm, keep warm, keep warm.

“Roll up your sleeves”- We Were Promised Jetpacks

i don’t know what the hell i want. ok?

you, you used to have all the answers. and you, you still have them, too.

so. here it is. the not so ‘unjudgmental’ part of steph that i usually try to hide at all costs. if i had to chose one thing in life that i have almost zero patience for i think it would have to be indecision. we all know my obsession with personal accountability (and the fact that it is so difficult to actually enact, and find in others), and i think my annoyance with indecisive people stems from my push for, and expectation of personal accountability. essentially, it’s this simple: make a decision, and own it. period.

decide what you are going to do/say/be and own that decision. but i know, it’s not that easy. we live in society that makes us question ourselves m o m e n t  a f t e r  m o m e n t. so what type of people does this society breed? indecisive, wishy washy, too ‘nice,’ unaccountable, finger pointers. now i know that there is a ton more that goes into making these people than the society we live in, mainly our upbringing, so i’ll go ahead and say that somewhere in MY upbringing i attributed value to the ability to make a decision and act on it. maybe it’s because i’m a virgo. i think things through, i plan, i am pragmatic to the core.  or maybe it is because i have so many fire signs in my astrology chart (energy, action, spark). either way, all of these things lead me to place immense value on the ability to think something through enough to know/act/do/or be.

and i understand that some people don’t place so much value on such things. however, i do. and i see the inability to make a decision as a weakness. i know, there it is, sorry. judgment. my nemesis. however, i say this all knowing that it is an extreme and in everyday life i curtail that massive judgment with self awareness and perspective to act in a normal manner. i’m just trying to give you an understanding of my core instincts. indecision = weakness.

and recently, i had a revelation that ignited a great amount of cognitive dissonance in this analytical brain of mine. so i ignored it. and didn’t tell anyone. not on the radio, not my friends, not here. i what i realized about myself, my life, my needs right now just didn’t fit with one of my core beliefs. so it couldn’t be true. so i ignored some more.

and then, as things most often do with me, it just came out. t he words were spoken.  it was there. the truth. and i had no idea how to process it.

you see, the revelation that i was so willing and desperate to ignore was this: i have no idea what i want.

what’s the big deal with not knowing what i want, you ask? i’ll tell you. let me lay it out there in a nice and rational psychoanalytical fashion. i value knowing, decision, and action. and the ability to do. and to use those characteristics, one must first know what they are knowing, deciding or doing. and therefore, when i have no idea what the ‘what’ actually is, then i am left with zero ability to decide how to do. thereby leaving me paralyzed with inaction. thus, i am a weak person.

make sense? if not, i’ll use this example instead of theory: i, personally, feel strong and confident in life when i act. i have a goal and i make it happen. the ability to create a rational plan to make something i want happen is what brings me true joy. and challenge, hell, challenge just invigorates me more. because i have to reevaluate the plan, and apply more thought and reason to the situation to meet the goal. you see, in my brain, not meeting the goal is not an option. every situation can be analyzed enough to figure it out, and make it happen. i am sure that it is this mentality that helped me get through grad school successfully while working full time, and unsuccessfully deal with a breakup that was due to circumstances out of my control.

i’m a virgo, i like order and rationale, and perfection, and systems, and process, and logic. at my core, it’s where i’m most comfortable.

so, when i am faced with a situation like the one i just revealed to you (that i have no idea what i want in my dating life), i am a complete mess. i feel exposed and vulnerable, out of control and lost.

how am i supposed to create a logical plan, and rationalize my emotions when i don’t know what i’m planning for, or how i even feel?

after coming to this terrible conclusion i tried to just be with this moment in life. allow myself to just not know. tell myself that it doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me less anything. it just is.

but that was hard. because, believe it or not, dating is something that people, in general, are pretty decisive about. “i’m not dating.” “i’m ready to settle down.” “i’m ready to meet someone.” “i want nothing to do with it, it takes too much time.” “i just want to make out.” “i’m heartbroken and can’t even think about dating.” “i’m in no place to date.”  (now, people’s relationship craziness that lead them to whatever decision they’ve made about their dating life is a whole nother story.)

so there i was, stephdub, the relationship writer with a radio show about dating, having no i dea what i wanted. unable to make a decision about something that everyone can make a decision about.

i decided to sit with this anxiety provoking uncertainty and hand the doozy of situation over to the universe.

and about a week and a half later i remembered that the universe doesn’t respond to idleness. so i made a list.

lists are organized, thought provoked entities. they fit with my m.o. well. i figured if i could make a list of my wants and don’t wants in dating, then i would have enough data to categorize the items and determine where i am in my dating life. hmp. here it goes:

don’t wants:

* something serious. i’m trying to focus on some big goals i’ve set for myself, and absolutely cannot get distracted by love and stuff.
* to go on dates with people i don’t know. it’s awkward, and basically i hate traditional dating (for me).
* to do internet dating sites
* to sleep around
* too  much responsibility to someone else

do wants:

* flirting fun
* physical attraction
* physical attention
* a ‘fun’ buddy. someone to do fun things with. while holding hands. maybe. once in a while. but not too regularly.
* someone that gets me, enough
* to do the ‘fun for now’ thing, knowing that it won’t be long term

there are the lists so far. in what category do those juicy nuggets of information put me?

i guess in the “just want to have fun and go to bars and parties and maybe have you there to smooch and laugh with, but you have to be attractive and somewhat intellectually interesting to me or i’ll get annoyed and/or bored and it will become stressful and defeat the purpose. oh, and you don’t want something serious either, but you’re not just trying to sleep with me and move on.” yea.

alas, SF boy for right now… where are you?

watch things on the vcr, with me and talk about big love… but you, you just know. you just do.

know your non-negotiables.

can we make out and pretend it’s all there? cause you know, i’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t come through but it might come along soon and until that, you will do.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world.

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something.

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE.

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned?

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed.

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship.

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new.

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship.

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic.

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you.

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

competition just doesn’t fit

you would seem so frail in the cold of the night when the armies of emotion go out to fight

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now.

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?).

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it.

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating.

so, merge this realization with my recent dating apathy, and we arrive back at one of my major all time truths of dating and relationships- there is something so inherent and human and animalistic and feeling filled about love, romance and attraction that one cannot help who he/she is interested in, falls for, or loves.

see the thing about competition(v.) (rather, the act of being competitive) that just contradicts all of the above is that it implies that the competitor has some influence on the outcome of the ‘competition(n.).’ and love and dating just don’t work like that. we are human, and though we (americans especially) place rationality on an impossibly high pedestal, feelings and emotionality play and EQUAL role in everything we do. and no matter how competitive and rational and calculating we become, none of that fits into dating.

so here i am, in my apathetic state, thinking that trying to get some one’s attention and trying to convince them to like you (whether it be at a bar, or someone you may know and like more intimately) is just um, well, to be blunt, pointless. you can’t help who you like, and neither can they.

and even more importantly. i am really beginning to understand that, with very few exceptions to the rule, at this age, if someone IS interested in you, they will most CERTAINLY make it clear in a way that you are sure to hear (all this without ever reading nor seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’). we are adults, and though we like to conveniently forget this fact (especially in regards to accountability), we are remarkably good at going after what we want. therefore, there seems to be no room, nor need for competition, of any type, in dating.

so forget this cruel world where I belong, i’ll just sit and wait and sing my song. and if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

giving up the awkward

this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.

at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.

and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.

i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.

but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.

is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?

jane austin, where have you gone? is it anyone’s fault, that we escape into our own defense… you don’t know what it’s like… to be american.

good, caring guys being broken up with.

separate love from addiction, they’re not the same, i know i see desperation pulling my strings…hey eliza, is this what you want? sometimes you compromise to get the things you need…

so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were).

so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things.  and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.

i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with.

and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be.

there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha.

and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…