Entries Tagged 'schemas' ↓

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them. Continue reading →

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22. 

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh. 

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. Continue reading →

i know you’re wise beyond your years, but do you ever feel that your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by….

i find myself in the same dating habit as i did about two thirds of the way through college. and im surprised that i have revernted back to the same place, but not upset. because, the habit is not terrible, or anything. i’m not beating myself up. but i realize that the habit comes at a relatively similar point in my life now as it did then.

logically, i must explain my tendencies before i explain how my silly brain sees them as a habit, and a possibly bad habit at that.
i suppose i’m what we could call….extroverted. i tend to be outgoing, and fun, and bubbly and blah blah blah with all the descriptors. so there are two ways that this personality trait integrates itself into my dating life. Continue reading →

…meet me there, in the blue…

so my last post, and more importantly its comments, have been running through my head this week at a marathon rate. and believe i am ready to flesh out what these theories, thoughts, and insights mean a little more thoroughly.

so, yea, i think there are two different schools of thought when it comes to straight guys and female friends. but im gonna go out on a limb and give those guys who fall into Kim’s physical sex only category a little more benefit of the doubt. and NC’s comment, on being the expert of all things feminine- brilliantly said. and lastly, the anonymale- thank you for the call out. sometimes we do need attention, and sometimes, some of us over and inappropriately do it. so everyone has valuable but possibly opposing info to provide, but… how does it all fit together to make describe what we actually experience?

so i guess i’ll start with the revelation that i had while thinking about all of my past relationships. every single one of them, the real ones, the boyfriend/girlfriend level ones, started as friends. so, what kind of layers does that add into the complex issue of friends of the opposite sex? a new million different ways to analyze now. for sake of argument- does it mean that i am actually in the opposite sex friendships that i am for sex? Continue reading →

when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends

it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?

interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not - you’ll know.

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we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

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i was going hungry and lazy here when you stopped me in my tracks

one of my most influential professors once told me something that often makes its way into my little brain regularly… he said that the thing about being a romantic relationship communication scholar is that, though you have so much knowledge on the subject, it never seems to fully make its way into your actual relationships.

its true. the dark side of relationships gets me high, that’s pathetic. i study this stuff like a geek. so why why why can i not take my own advice?! this is a big one (love and life lesson) that has popped up too many times for me to ignore. so i’ve decided to take my own advice.

Continue reading →