i don’t know what the hell i want. ok?

you, you used to have all the answers. and you, you still have them, too.

so. here it is. the not so ‘unjudgmental’ part of steph that i usually try to hide at all costs. if i had to chose one thing in life that i have almost zero patience for i think it would have to be indecision. we all know my obsession with personal accountability (and the fact that it is so difficult to actually enact, and find in others), and i think my annoyance with indecisive people stems from my push for, and expectation of personal accountability. essentially, it’s this simple: make a decision, and own it. period.

decide what you are going to do/say/be and own that decision. but i know, it’s not that easy. we live in society that makes us question ourselves m o m e n t  a f t e r  m o m e n t. so what type of people does this society breed? indecisive, wishy washy, too ‘nice,’ unaccountable, finger pointers. now i know that there is a ton more that goes into making these people than the society we live in, mainly our upbringing, so i’ll go ahead and say that somewhere in MY upbringing i attributed value to the ability to make a decision and act on it. maybe it’s because i’m a virgo. i think things through, i plan, i am pragmatic to the core.  or maybe it is because i have so many fire signs in my astrology chart (energy, action, spark). either way, all of these things lead me to place immense value on the ability to think something through enough to know/act/do/or be.

and i understand that some people don’t place so much value on such things. however, i do. and i see the inability to make a decision as a weakness. i know, there it is, sorry. judgment. my nemesis. however, i say this all knowing that it is an extreme and in everyday life i curtail that massive judgment with self awareness and perspective to act in a normal manner. i’m just trying to give you an understanding of my core instincts. indecision = weakness.

and recently, i had a revelation that ignited a great amount of cognitive dissonance in this analytical brain of mine. so i ignored it. and didn’t tell anyone. not on the radio, not my friends, not here. i what i realized about myself, my life, my needs right now just didn’t fit with one of my core beliefs. so it couldn’t be true. so i ignored some more.

and then, as things most often do with me, it just came out. t he words were spoken.  it was there. the truth. and i had no idea how to process it.

you see, the revelation that i was so willing and desperate to ignore was this: i have no idea what i want.

what’s the big deal with not knowing what i want, you ask? i’ll tell you. let me lay it out there in a nice and rational psychoanalytical fashion. i value knowing, decision, and action. and the ability to do. and to use those characteristics, one must first know what they are knowing, deciding or doing. and therefore, when i have no idea what the ‘what’ actually is, then i am left with zero ability to decide how to do. thereby leaving me paralyzed with inaction. thus, i am a weak person.

make sense? if not, i’ll use this example instead of theory: i, personally, feel strong and confident in life when i act. i have a goal and i make it happen. the ability to create a rational plan to make something i want happen is what brings me true joy. and challenge, hell, challenge just invigorates me more. because i have to reevaluate the plan, and apply more thought and reason to the situation to meet the goal. you see, in my brain, not meeting the goal is not an option. every situation can be analyzed enough to figure it out, and make it happen. i am sure that it is this mentality that helped me get through grad school successfully while working full time, and unsuccessfully deal with a breakup that was due to circumstances out of my control.

i’m a virgo, i like order and rationale, and perfection, and systems, and process, and logic. at my core, it’s where i’m most comfortable.

so, when i am faced with a situation like the one i just revealed to you (that i have no idea what i want in my dating life), i am a complete mess. i feel exposed and vulnerable, out of control and lost.

how am i supposed to create a logical plan, and rationalize my emotions when i don’t know what i’m planning for, or how i even feel?

after coming to this terrible conclusion i tried to just be with this moment in life. allow myself to just not know. tell myself that it doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me less anything. it just is.

but that was hard. because, believe it or not, dating is something that people, in general, are pretty decisive about. “i’m not dating.” “i’m ready to settle down.” “i’m ready to meet someone.” “i want nothing to do with it, it takes too much time.” “i just want to make out.” “i’m heartbroken and can’t even think about dating.” “i’m in no place to date.”  (now, people’s relationship craziness that lead them to whatever decision they’ve made about their dating life is a whole nother story.)

so there i was, stephdub, the relationship writer with a radio show about dating, having no i dea what i wanted. unable to make a decision about something that everyone can make a decision about.

i decided to sit with this anxiety provoking uncertainty and hand the doozy of situation over to the universe.

and about a week and a half later i remembered that the universe doesn’t respond to idleness. so i made a list.

lists are organized, thought provoked entities. they fit with my m.o. well. i figured if i could make a list of my wants and don’t wants in dating, then i would have enough data to categorize the items and determine where i am in my dating life. hmp. here it goes:

don’t wants:

* something serious. i’m trying to focus on some big goals i’ve set for myself, and absolutely cannot get distracted by love and stuff.
* to go on dates with people i don’t know. it’s awkward, and basically i hate traditional dating (for me).
* to do internet dating sites
* to sleep around
* too  much responsibility to someone else

do wants:

* flirting fun
* physical attraction
* physical attention
* a ‘fun’ buddy. someone to do fun things with. while holding hands. maybe. once in a while. but not too regularly.
* someone that gets me, enough
* to do the ‘fun for now’ thing, knowing that it won’t be long term

there are the lists so far. in what category do those juicy nuggets of information put me?

i guess in the “just want to have fun and go to bars and parties and maybe have you there to smooch and laugh with, but you have to be attractive and somewhat intellectually interesting to me or i’ll get annoyed and/or bored and it will become stressful and defeat the purpose. oh, and you don’t want something serious either, but you’re not just trying to sleep with me and move on.” yea.

alas, SF boy for right now… where are you?

watch things on the vcr, with me and talk about big love… but you, you just know. you just do.

know your non-negotiables.

can we make out and pretend it’s all there? cause you know, i’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t come through but it might come along soon and until that, you will do.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world.

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something.

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE.

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned?

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed.

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship.

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new.

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship.

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic.

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you.

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

competition just doesn’t fit

you would seem so frail in the cold of the night when the armies of emotion go out to fight

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now.

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?).

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it.

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating.

so, merge this realization with my recent dating apathy, and we arrive back at one of my major all time truths of dating and relationships- there is something so inherent and human and animalistic and feeling filled about love, romance and attraction that one cannot help who he/she is interested in, falls for, or loves.

see the thing about competition(v.) (rather, the act of being competitive) that just contradicts all of the above is that it implies that the competitor has some influence on the outcome of the ‘competition(n.).’ and love and dating just don’t work like that. we are human, and though we (americans especially) place rationality on an impossibly high pedestal, feelings and emotionality play and EQUAL role in everything we do. and no matter how competitive and rational and calculating we become, none of that fits into dating.

so here i am, in my apathetic state, thinking that trying to get some one’s attention and trying to convince them to like you (whether it be at a bar, or someone you may know and like more intimately) is just um, well, to be blunt, pointless. you can’t help who you like, and neither can they.

and even more importantly. i am really beginning to understand that, with very few exceptions to the rule, at this age, if someone IS interested in you, they will most CERTAINLY make it clear in a way that you are sure to hear (all this without ever reading nor seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’). we are adults, and though we like to conveniently forget this fact (especially in regards to accountability), we are remarkably good at going after what we want. therefore, there seems to be no room, nor need for competition, of any type, in dating.

so forget this cruel world where I belong, i’ll just sit and wait and sing my song. and if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

giving up the awkward

this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.

at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.

and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.

i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.

but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.

is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?

jane austin, where have you gone? is it anyone’s fault, that we escape into our own defense… you don’t know what it’s like… to be american.

good, caring guys being broken up with.

separate love from addiction, they’re not the same, i know i see desperation pulling my strings…hey eliza, is this what you want? sometimes you compromise to get the things you need…

so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were).

so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things.  and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.

i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with.

and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be.

there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha.

and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…