Entries Tagged 'self love' ↓

can we make out and pretend it’s all there? cause you know, i’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t come through but it might come along soon and until that, you will do.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world. 

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”  

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something. 

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE. 

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned? 

Continue reading →

time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it. 

so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.

so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight. 

and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.

and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it. 

needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.

Continue reading →

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.                                                                                  
Continue reading →

and it’s only doubts that we’re counting on fingers broken long ago. i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous 

so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak. 

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have. 

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. Continue reading →

why don’t i just give in, have a drink and shake some hands? 

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself. 

so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world. 

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose). 

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is. 

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again. 

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me. 

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you’re all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality. 

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred 

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling of incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell. Continue reading →

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded. Continue reading →

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today. 

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you. 

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed. 

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing). Continue reading →

and i’ll be your girl if you say its a gift; and you give me some more of your drugs

so. ive realized something pretty major in my life. one of those some things that can really determine a lot about every day from here on. since ive been able to define trust i have considered myself a trusting person. in my adult life i came to postulate that i am too trusting. way too trusting. i open myself up to, well, a lot of people and i trust. trust easily. trust easily, get hurt easily. open up- get burned. well a little while back, at home watching the most real movie about love that ive maybe ever seen, i realized something. i am not too trusting. at all. in fact, the opposite. i am actually too expecting. and not trusting at all. i have been told in very emotionally and physically intimate settings that i am too self conscious, or that i worry too much, or, the most common, that i need to gain confidence. what?! this is what: im not self conscious, or lacking in confidence. im skeptical. and too expecting. i expect you to live up to the standards of humanity that i hold myself too. i see that if I cant live up to the standards that I set, then ultimately you cant either, so my defense mechanism is to act in a manner that is disguised (even to me) as self doubt and self consciousness, tell myself that really im skeptical of who you are and what you say because im actually too closed, and this facade of self consciousness is actually your ‘out’. your ‘out’ of being put on my pedestal with the likelihood of falling. i cant help it. i also think this is why i am so emotionally open. i put it all out there. get out while you can. cause im a lot. a lot of greatness, but if you’re not in for that, then i am giving you an out. im telling you early what im about. everything im about. man, this is just needs to be said. people pay therapists years and years for this shit and all i need is a cold rainy night, a movie about love, in all its forms, and some self efficacy. yes, i like change…

he said, “ill be your night in shining armor.” i said, “no thanks, i have a car.”

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

Continue reading →