any day now, it’s alright, she’s standing on the precipice of big time. yea we’re just a couple small people squeezing out life, we need a little good time.
well, this is it.
30 days. a blog post a day. national blog post a day month. complete.
i did it. and things are, well, more calm. i don’t really seem to have anything more figured out. i bullshitted a little, i poured my heart out a little. i felt a little. and then a little more.
and, over all, i feel good about it. it’s interesting to look at where i was 30 days ago. staring at the same full moon that i am now. writing about, siiiiggggggghhh, feelings. i started sitting next to a pool twentythreehundred miles away, in new orleans, and finish sitting in my bed in san francisco. symbolic really. of a lot.
i guess this is what people that write in a journal feel like when they go back and read it. and i’ve only been doing it for 30 days.
i feel good. i wish i could blurt it all out here like a real journal. tell the ones i love that i do, and the ones that hurt me that they did, the ones i wish for in my life that i do, and so forth. but that’d be sappy. and i’m no sap. ha.
this month i’ve come to a place where i’m learning to feel. and just be ok with that. not have to know what to do with those feelings. i’ve learned that people often show you parts of themselves that they chastise in others, and don’t even know it. that sometimes, true friends (or what you thought were) have the ability to hurt you the most. that some people will think what they want about me, whether or not it’s true, well, when most likely it’s absolutely not. that i love my alone time more than ever. that sf is one hundred percent home. that i know more about relationships than i wish to and it haunts me. that i am waiting for you. that i’m still figuring it out. that getting uber geeky glasses has the opposite effect as i desired (total prep boys like em? when i just want to be not looked at). that i absolutely cannot live without the friends i’ve know for years, and know me the best. that travel is in my blood and soul, and i need it like i need sleep. that most of the time, people won’t understand. and that is ok. that my intuition is becoming sharper and sharper. that living for me is exactly how it should be. that i miss academia, and grad school. that i love words, and writing more than i ever thought. that i’ve moved on. that i’ve come full circle. that it’s a process. that i’m moving forward. always.
mostly that i’m okay. i love, and hurt, and feel, and exclaim, and rest, and contemplate, and listen to my inner voice, and am. and that it’s all okay.
i am okay.
and in honor of just being ok with every crazy thing that makes up me, i’ll leave you with this… a song from my favorite ever band of life. with no shame. pure love.
‘im sorry,’ she said, ‘i know, i’m not the kind of girl you want… we’re falling, oh oh oh, falling falling down.’
today i feel alone. and this series of thoughts that will eventually be called a post is going to be much more raw than most of the other posts this month. nothing new for me, or from me, but it does feel a little strange and open given the surrounding posts. but alas, i’m here writing, in theory, to myself, because i need to talk. i need to tell someone. and probably no one will get it. and that lack of understanding is more more digestible when i can’t see it. so this is going in writing, not speaking.
today i feel alone. that’s it. not lonely, though alone could include lonley. it seems that the more i work on myself, learning, growing, striving to be conscious and right, the more i feel alone in the process.
last night a friend said something to me that i’m sure was not intended to make me feel the most understood and, simultaneously, misunderstood i have probably ever felt. she said (in paraphrase), ‘it seems like your advanced knowledge of relationships, your subject and expertise, sometimes just comes back to get you because you’re more aware of everything than the people you have relationships with.’ and for a moment i felt understood in the catch22 that seems to be my life.
you see, because self awareness and the eternal search for growth and goodness is a purely personal thing, if the person with which you are interacting is not ready, willing, or aware of their own self, but you are, there is an instant impasse in the relationship. and then what do you do? you’ve identified that to be true to yourself and serve your higher purpose, a change needs to happen. but if that person is not at a place to accept your needs then it is up to you to make that change for yourself. which often leads to distancing yourself from that person. which then equals a) more aloneness, b) (most likely) a misunderstanding on behalf of the other, which probably then leads to some sort of negative energy passed. both of which feel icky. probably just like the thing that inspired the ‘need to change’ in the first place.
all of this leads me to the unsettling realization that the majority of us are operating, the majority of the time, strictly in defense mode and with unconscious intent. and when that is met with conscious intent the defenses spiral even more, smothering the purpose of that conscious interaction. yea it’s new agey in its wording, but there is really no other way to say it.
mostly what i’m feeling right now in life is a major lack of people and connections in my life that are focused on conscious intent and genuine care. even more unfortunate is that many of the people i have relationships with in my life are being driven by the autopilot mode of defense and project their perceived understanding and supposed ‘figured out’ thoughts of my life onto me. and what’s worse is that those projected defenses are false. because i was never even consulted in the decision making process. because, again, they may think that they know, but that mere fact (that they think they do) means they absolutely don’t. but since they are acting unconsciously, i am treated in response to what they think they know. and this seemingly unending cycle is utterly draining and distracting once you become aware of it. making it that much more difficult for me to be me, in a conscious state.
this makes me feel alone. in my process. in my own head. in my own life. in my own needs. all of it. and aloneness is a complex and tricky concept. it is calming and allows one to just be. but that okayness with self is constantly toeing the line of ‘wall building’ and shutting others out. which is, ultimately, a bigger problem because ‘walls up’ equal defenses which equal exactly that which you are trying to rid yourself. it’s like the mind and soul are unconsciously choosing, without your knowledge, the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ mentality despite all efforts towards the opposite.
i’m choosing, consciously, to not go there. but that means that i am consistently navigating the terrain of ‘alone,’ testing the boundaries learning through challenge, difficulty and hurt where those lines are.
so today, i feel alone. and that’s it. i’m not trying to be ok with it. or identify if i’m not ok with it. i’m just trying to stay within the present. and most likely, you will not get this post. on a mental, logical level nor emotional spiritual level. but at this point that’s ok. because it’s not about you. and it’s not about needing you to understand. it’s about me. and feeling this. and being with complete and utter absence of concern for you. and your thoughts. your feelings. your projections. or your needs.
we’ve been walking sideways, waiting for the cold days. finding strength in numbers, on the ocean floor.
lean mean thirteen.
it’s friday night, and i’m at home. alone. and was loving it. until 20/20 came on with a segment of true honest to goodness crazy old cat ladies. then i started to fall victim to thinking about what i am supposed to be doing because it’s friday. then i turned on music and shut out the ’supposed’ to thoughts.
i’m happy where i am. in bed, with laptop, tv on mute (for company reasons only), indie folk playing, alone, in my studio apartment in sf. the only thing that would make this better, ok, well i guess THAT was the wrong way to start that sentence, as a zillion things entered my head. try again: the one not so ok thing with this moment is my upstairs neighbors that are ruining my life with their hardwood floors, no rugs, three dogs, wooden shoes, constant vacuuming, unnecessarily loud conversations, and 95 people living in a 14×15 ft room. phew, got that out of me.
either way, i’m ok. with life. and right now. in fact, i’m good. and thinking about love.
a girlfriend of mine had a date this week, that she thought went really well. and was waiting for him to text, or call, or contact. and i suggested that maybe she text him. and she said that she’s always the one to contact, and this time she wasn’t going to. and i was right there with her. for quite a while that was me. and we are very similar. so i told her i got it. and then she retweeted something on twitter in response to me, that really really got me thinking. she said @stephdub RT Dating Tip: He who calls more has the most interest and the least control. I can’t say it enough…let HIM call YOU!
and i had some weird sort of view of myself, from what seemed like years ago, but in reality, i don’t know when this girl left. but that tweet made me realize it was for real. my immediate response was enlightening.
you see, i realized that it seems like, in dating, in big cities, as successful smart attractive intelligent people, we have forgotten the real purpose of dating. well, at least what i think a lot of us want the purpose to be. to meet someone with whom we connect.
it has turned into such a game. a game of power, and control, and winning. but that has really just manifested from loneliness, and missed connections, and longing. i want it. i want that someone that i connect with, to be here, with me in sf. she wants it too, to be with her. and so on.
we get so wrapped up work, and life, and success, and winning, that we forget to stress the importance, and allowance of opening up, and making ourselves available for connection. i say we as in society, not her, nor me, individually. we place so much pride and value on success and power, and the way to get that is through rationale and strategy. we have completely devalued, and thereby, disallowed any sort of emotions and feelings, in space where feeling are what are supposed to be leading the way. winning the game.
maybe it’s all this feeling i’ve been letting myself do. maybe it’s a recent reconnection that reminded of its value. maybe it’s seeing someone i care about go through the exact same thing that i am. maybe its longing. maybe its hope. maybe its trust. maybe it desperation. but i want to remember now, the purpose of dating. to meet someone. to connect. to laugh. to share. to support. to enjoy. to embrace.
let’s get back there. together. maybe, yea?
we’re thinking with our brains, we’re living in our veins, we’re swimming in our skin, grinning through our pain. here we go.
you must, stick up for yourself son. nevermind, what anybody else done. stick up for yourself, son. nevermind what anybody else done.
high five.
so, i said i was going to try and decipher what sorts of things i learned in the two year stint that saturn took a tour of my astrological seventh house while holding hands with my sun in virgo.
so here is one that i am feeling especially strong and proud of.
you see, as children, we all grow up with certain understandings and ways of the world and wounds passed on to us from our parents. some of these things are grossly positive, and some not so much. some we get therapy for, and some we never even know we had a choice about. either way, our experiences as a child make us who we are today.
the thing is, thanks to the field of psychology, we know that there are a number of experiences children face that manifest themselves in adults in similar ways. as somewhat conscious or self aware adults, we might call these ‘issues’ or ’schemas’ or any other specific reason that someone else has been know to identify with some of the shit you’re trying to figure out in your adult life. for example, “abandonment issues,” “boundary issues,” “daddy complex,” “emotionally detached,” “emotionally needy.”
these terms are unfortunate though, because they come with such negative connotations that other people, with dissimilar issues, ascribed to them. anyway, i digress.
i have no idea what schema this came from in my life (actually i do, but it’s not really anything you need to know), but i used to have this crazy immense care and concern for what other people thought, and thought of me. now, i’m sure you either had one of two(ish) reactions to that statement. “screw that, you should never care about what other people think. live for you” or “i completely understand, or i still care about what other people think. (and either want to stop, or not even).” because, honestly, the childhood experiences that cause these schemas, or wounds, are very common. and as a child we learned to cope in some way. often these ways of coping fall into two main categories (like above).
so anyway, it is what it is. and usually, believe it or not, we often attract people to us with similar schemas, but opposite coping mechanisms (pull away/cling on tighter, or shut down and ignore/scream louder and lose control). (brilliance)
and this greatly affects our relationships. mostly, if our schemas are deeply enough ingrained, therapy and/or some major self help are the only ways to move on.
well, thanks to an insensitive ex boyfriend (read: the ‘who cares what others’ think’ stance), and being sick of feeling hurt by what others thought or did, or more importantly listening to everyone else, because i cared about their opinions too much…. i do believe that i worked through one of my deepest and hardest relational schemas.
i’m obsessed with perspective. the concept. the noun. the verb of getting. all of it. and i’m sure it stems for caring what everyone thought… about everything. but when perspective truly became important in my life is when i learned its importance to ME. perspective is just there. it does not at all imply importance, or value. it just is.
and once we are able to see things ‘in perspective’ we are able to accurately use it as information included in everything that guides a decision.
but getting to this place of being able to hear and see perspective, and welcome it with an open heart is very difficult. because schemas are, essentially, defense mechanisms that our mind creates to get us through an undesirable experience. and as we know, when defenses are up, no learning or growing or true processing can occur. we are too close to fight or flight, too worried about defending ourselves/survival.
where the hell am i going with all of my psycho babble? right here. i have shed myself of a major defense mechanism, and learned how to gather perspective, for what it is, balance it with what i know and feel, and make choices that i am confident and comfortable with. in life. without placing more importance than deserved on others’ thoughts or suggestions, but also while not placing inflated value on my own.
mostly (keeping with the november theme of new agey, psycho spiraling i’ve been doing), i’ve learned to listen to my gut. and trust it. and allow it to be guided by perspective. not by others’ projected relationship issues. and i’ve learned decipher the difference between the two.
call it listening to my intuition, if you will. but my dear saturn, i’ve learned how to do more that listen to it. i’ve learned to trust, respect, and honor it. even if it makes sense to no one, and i can’t even explain it to myself (see, just embracing feelings).
we live in a society where we are constantly judged and expected to justify everything we say, do, and feel. and all of that is the opposite of intuition.
intuition is loving yourself enough to listen, trust, and be guided by feelings that maybe even you don’t thoroughly understand. it’s calm, and not extreme. often subtle. and we are taught to suppress it. and hide it. and are shamed for it. we are taught extremes- care too much what other people think, or not enough. intuition is listing to what is, and what feels. not what thinks.
you get the point. i’ve fully learned how to assess other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, judgments and wounds and my own, in such a way that i trust and love every decision i make.
i am me. and i love it. but i love the perspective you give, too. i listen to my gut.
the whole world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs. and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear… your wounds with p r i d e.
