we’ve been walking sideways, waiting for the cold days. finding strength in numbers, on the ocean floor.
lean mean thirteen.
it’s friday night, and i’m at home. alone. and was loving it. until 20/20 came on with a segment of true honest to goodness crazy old cat ladies. then i started to fall victim to thinking about what i am supposed to be doing because it’s friday. then i turned on music and shut out the ’supposed’ to thoughts.
i’m happy where i am. in bed, with laptop, tv on mute (for company reasons only), indie folk playing, alone, in my studio apartment in sf. the only thing that would make this better, ok, well i guess THAT was the wrong way to start that sentence, as a zillion things entered my head. try again: the one not so ok thing with this moment is my upstairs neighbors that are ruining my life with their hardwood floors, no rugs, three dogs, wooden shoes, constant vacuuming, unnecessarily loud conversations, and 95 people living in a 14×15 ft room. phew, got that out of me.
either way, i’m ok. with life. and right now. in fact, i’m good. and thinking about love.
a girlfriend of mine had a date this week, that she thought went really well. and was waiting for him to text, or call, or contact. and i suggested that maybe she text him. and she said that she’s always the one to contact, and this time she wasn’t going to. and i was right there with her. for quite a while that was me. and we are very similar. so i told her i got it. and then she retweeted something on twitter in response to me, that really really got me thinking. she said @stephdub RT Dating Tip: He who calls more has the most interest and the least control. I can’t say it enough…let HIM call YOU!
and i had some weird sort of view of myself, from what seemed like years ago, but in reality, i don’t know when this girl left. but that tweet made me realize it was for real. my immediate response was enlightening.
you see, i realized that it seems like, in dating, in big cities, as successful smart attractive intelligent people, we have forgotten the real purpose of dating. well, at least what i think a lot of us want the purpose to be. to meet someone with whom we connect.
it has turned into such a game. a game of power, and control, and winning. but that has really just manifested from loneliness, and missed connections, and longing. i want it. i want that someone that i connect with, to be here, with me in sf. she wants it too, to be with her. and so on.
we get so wrapped up work, and life, and success, and winning, that we forget to stress the importance, and allowance of opening up, and making ourselves available for connection. i say we as in society, not her, nor me, individually. we place so much pride and value on success and power, and the way to get that is through rationale and strategy. we have completely devalued, and thereby, disallowed any sort of emotions and feelings, in space where feeling are what are supposed to be leading the way. winning the game.
maybe it’s all this feeling i’ve been letting myself do. maybe it’s a recent reconnection that reminded of its value. maybe it’s seeing someone i care about go through the exact same thing that i am. maybe its longing. maybe its hope. maybe its trust. maybe it desperation. but i want to remember now, the purpose of dating. to meet someone. to connect. to laugh. to share. to support. to enjoy. to embrace.
let’s get back there. together. maybe, yea?
we’re thinking with our brains, we’re living in our veins, we’re swimming in our skin, grinning through our pain. here we go.
you must, stick up for yourself son. nevermind, what anybody else done. stick up for yourself, son. nevermind what anybody else done.
high five.
so, i said i was going to try and decipher what sorts of things i learned in the two year stint that saturn took a tour of my astrological seventh house while holding hands with my sun in virgo.
so here is one that i am feeling especially strong and proud of.
you see, as children, we all grow up with certain understandings and ways of the world and wounds passed on to us from our parents. some of these things are grossly positive, and some not so much. some we get therapy for, and some we never even know we had a choice about. either way, our experiences as a child make us who we are today.
the thing is, thanks to the field of psychology, we know that there are a number of experiences children face that manifest themselves in adults in similar ways. as somewhat conscious or self aware adults, we might call these ‘issues’ or ’schemas’ or any other specific reason that someone else has been know to identify with some of the shit you’re trying to figure out in your adult life. for example, “abandonment issues,” “boundary issues,” “daddy complex,” “emotionally detached,” “emotionally needy.”
these terms are unfortunate though, because they come with such negative connotations that other people, with dissimilar issues, ascribed to them. anyway, i digress.
i have no idea what schema this came from in my life (actually i do, but it’s not really anything you need to know), but i used to have this crazy immense care and concern for what other people thought, and thought of me. now, i’m sure you either had one of two(ish) reactions to that statement. “screw that, you should never care about what other people think. live for you” or “i completely understand, or i still care about what other people think. (and either want to stop, or not even).” because, honestly, the childhood experiences that cause these schemas, or wounds, are very common. and as a child we learned to cope in some way. often these ways of coping fall into two main categories (like above).
so anyway, it is what it is. and usually, believe it or not, we often attract people to us with similar schemas, but opposite coping mechanisms (pull away/cling on tighter, or shut down and ignore/scream louder and lose control). (brilliance)
and this greatly affects our relationships. mostly, if our schemas are deeply enough ingrained, therapy and/or some major self help are the only ways to move on.
well, thanks to an insensitive ex boyfriend (read: the ‘who cares what others’ think’ stance), and being sick of feeling hurt by what others thought or did, or more importantly listening to everyone else, because i cared about their opinions too much…. i do believe that i worked through one of my deepest and hardest relational schemas.
i’m obsessed with perspective. the concept. the noun. the verb of getting. all of it. and i’m sure it stems for caring what everyone thought… about everything. but when perspective truly became important in my life is when i learned its importance to ME. perspective is just there. it does not at all imply importance, or value. it just is.
and once we are able to see things ‘in perspective’ we are able to accurately use it as information included in everything that guides a decision.
but getting to this place of being able to hear and see perspective, and welcome it with an open heart is very difficult. because schemas are, essentially, defense mechanisms that our mind creates to get us through an undesirable experience. and as we know, when defenses are up, no learning or growing or true processing can occur. we are too close to fight or flight, too worried about defending ourselves/survival.
where the hell am i going with all of my psycho babble? right here. i have shed myself of a major defense mechanism, and learned how to gather perspective, for what it is, balance it with what i know and feel, and make choices that i am confident and comfortable with. in life. without placing more importance than deserved on others’ thoughts or suggestions, but also while not placing inflated value on my own.
mostly (keeping with the november theme of new agey, psycho spiraling i’ve been doing), i’ve learned to listen to my gut. and trust it. and allow it to be guided by perspective. not by others’ projected relationship issues. and i’ve learned decipher the difference between the two.
call it listening to my intuition, if you will. but my dear saturn, i’ve learned how to do more that listen to it. i’ve learned to trust, respect, and honor it. even if it makes sense to no one, and i can’t even explain it to myself (see, just embracing feelings).
we live in a society where we are constantly judged and expected to justify everything we say, do, and feel. and all of that is the opposite of intuition.
intuition is loving yourself enough to listen, trust, and be guided by feelings that maybe even you don’t thoroughly understand. it’s calm, and not extreme. often subtle. and we are taught to suppress it. and hide it. and are shamed for it. we are taught extremes- care too much what other people think, or not enough. intuition is listing to what is, and what feels. not what thinks.
you get the point. i’ve fully learned how to assess other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, judgments and wounds and my own, in such a way that i trust and love every decision i make.
i am me. and i love it. but i love the perspective you give, too. i listen to my gut.
the whole world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs. and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear… your wounds with p r i d e.
roll, up your sleeves for winter, and i can wait till summer, when you’re warmer. roll, up your sleeves we’re heading for winter i know, the nights will get colder. and i’ll make my bed, make sure i’m all fed and asleep, and wake when we’re older.
day 4.
and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.
so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?
another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.
so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.
and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.
well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.
and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.
and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”
i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.
i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.
time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it.
so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.
so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight.
and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.
and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it.
needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.
and there i was. left sitting with my all encompassing lesson learned, thankful for experience, biggest revelation, and overall taking away from 2008: pride.
i’m not talking the deadly sin type of pride. i am talking the accountability, conscious of your actions, no regrets type of pride. i have 2008 and all of its players to thank for the greatest gift i could have ever asked for. internal self worth and pride.
and it must be said, that, long ago, the exboyfriend that has inspired so much of my writing was the first person to think it important that i understand this concept. now, he may not have been the best teacher of the concept, but he meant well. thus, my attribution of the beginning of this life changing year to him. he was the one to teach me the idea that i am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, thoughts, or actions. that i am responsible for myself. and only myself. what i had to learn on my own, often the hard way, was what this truly meant.
it meant that i didn’t have to give up all the nice qualities i enojyed having. it did not constitute being mean. or unthoughtful, or unkind. it meant having boundaries between my feelings and actions and others’.
and my dear friend corporate america added to my understanding of this huge life concept that i was beginning to experience. it was in merchandise mart that i learned what an immense amount of value i personally placed on accountability. owning one’s actions. understanding the difference between placing blame and worth and response on someone or something else.
and if there is one truth among truths it is that learning and growth can absolutely not occur in a threatened, defensive, unsafe environment. san francisco enters stage left. a new and unbelievably understanding and advanced city of friends has taught me to be proud. proud of the actions i own. proud of the steps i take, the mistakes i make, and everything i do that adds up to steph. friends that allow me to live, learn, and grow. in that order.
so with all these huge life concepts going on in my life and brain, 2008 taught me how to blend them all into a way of living. no. a way of being.
with the acceptance of friends and family that support and encourage me without judgement, i was able to understand what it meant to truly feel an immense amount of self worth that no one could take from me. cause it was mine. and more importantly, to not put myself in situations where i am giving up this right, this ownership of my feelings, actions and… pride.
i could not be more grateful for the ability to fully understand the consequences on my actions, and act based on them. OWNING everything i do. being fully conscious and proud of every step i take. whether it is not posting a blog that would consequently give someone in my life more power than he deserves. not going home with that boy because in the morning i would feel terrible about myself. not drinking to oblivion every night because everything will still be there, throbbing, in the morning. for NOT telling everyone everything, because some thoughts and emotions are mine, and mine alone. for understanding the value of NOT talking about ‘it’ right away. for understanding the process. for understanding that there IS a process. for writing, for me, with no hopes or expectations of anyones’ reactions,
so here i am twothousandandeight, thanking you with all of my heart, for this life changing lesson. the lesson to act consciously and positively for myself, and for others. for opening myself to this journey. for enjoying the immense amount of power self worth has bestowed upon me. for everything.
