Entries Tagged 'separation' ↓

and it’s only doubts that we’re counting on fingers broken long ago. i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous 

so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak. 

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have. 

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. Continue reading →

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys. 

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that. 

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly. 

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out. 

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed. 

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twenty five year old midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak. 

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal. 

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.

through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit. 

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into. 

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic. Continue reading →

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded. Continue reading →

 i don’t wanna see the same pictures all over, and i’ve been standing in the same spot now since its been over, could someone promise me a new chance, i don’t wanna wake up knowing i don’t have a future…

this post was inspired by one of my more thought provoking ask steph submissions. 

there is this relational theory that i love… ok i won’t get geeky, but it basically states that when you are not not getting your needs met in a relationship, you begin to search for and explore other options. now this option seeking is done while said relational partner is still in the relationship that is not meeting needs. basically, we explore our options, and make sure there is something better, before we actually break up with someone. because, who knows, maybe there is not anyone out there who could meet those needs, no need dumping the currently relationship then…

this is, very often, where cheating comes in. cheating being defined as physical or emotional (usually in the aspect of the relationship where needs are not being met) intimacy with someone other than your relational partner. unfortunately for us romantics, cheating does actually serve a purpose. cheating provides us an outside perspective of what we could have in the scary dating world outside our current safe relationship. if we like our options outside the relationship enough, usually we decide to break up with our current relationship partner. if we realize that our options are not really any better than what we are involved in then we will stay in the relationship (a whole nother relational theory). Continue reading →

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today. 

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you. 

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed. 

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing). Continue reading →

why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand

because… its still true.

habits. we all have them. some good for us, some bad. either way, they become part of us. who we are, how we identify ourselves. how we distinguish our selves from others, part of the pieces that make us up.
the process of letting go of a habit, or breaking that habit, is interesting, and difficult. Continue reading →

ill let you fall in love with me, show you how easy it could be, california girl of your dreams

so. california. ive traveled a crooked route to get to this crooked street city. but here i am.
and though im blogging, and usually good at this, ive been so discombobulated lately that its hard to even begin explaining my thoughts, fears, hopes or dreams.
so as of now… here are my thoughts in someone elses brilliantly written words…

well there are times when you know when you should stay, when you should go
but you don’t. rehearse the lines in your head, you know what needs to be said. but it all comes out bad. and if it’s space that you need, if time is falling at your feet walking away empty. love is a crazy dream… is it what you want, is it what you need.
we go back and forth, making war out of peace.
and you won’t let go, and I won’t give up. we go round and round but is it ever enough, is it ever enough.
lately I’m falling away, growing more quiet by the day. not really sure why I even feel this way. I guess I got a little scared someone could actually care. this time, just might be something there. and if it’s change that you need, a little more mystery, some kind of deeper meaning…love is a crazy dream. is it what you want is it what you need we go back and forth making war out of peace. and you won’t let go and I won’t give up we go round and round but is it ever enough is it ever enough
I’m sure I’ll mess it all up I’m sure I’ll try to convince myself that I just need to be. but what I want to be is something else, someone else. so why did we cross the line, mess it all up with time and in the end just assume it’ll be alright?