…and it comes with a goodbye.

i’d like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i’d like to lay my weary bones tonight, on a bed of california stars.

i’ve talked about my inherent need for travel. it’s like the spin cycle to my daily wash. i can live life without it, but i’m a big dripping sloppy mess. it clears my head, wrings me out, and leaves me fresh and clean for more daily use.

and most of the time, this travel includes some form of spending time with someone that i care immensely about. lately, that someone (or someones) live in the locale that i am visiting. as opposed to traveling to a locale with someone in which i care about and with which want to spend time. which means i get my fill of spin cycle rejuvenation, but it comes only at a cost of having to say goodbye. and though the cost of having to say goodbye does not outweigh the benefit of spending time, it’s still a little thorn in the heart that seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

mostly, i am blessed to have friends that live across the country. good friends. true friends. connected friends. i could essentially visit any (cool) place in the US and have a friend to visit, stay with, see, or at the very last resort, accompany me. and for a travel bug like me, this is more valuable than endless quarters to do my laundry.

i suppose it is the nature of those friendships that make me able to visit in the first place- good, true, and connected. but the relational foundation being so positive and important, means that there are equally as strong feelings of icky, false, and disconnection when leaving those friends.

and as i wrote about feeling alone last week, i looked forward to a thanksgiving week spent with the type of friends that are as close to family as friends can get.

but as the week came to a close today, i was ultimately filled with a sense of loss, and sadness to say goodbye. because the thing about friends as close as family is that they chose you. they chose to continue relationships with you, and therefore they chose to accept you. as you. if we are lucky, we are able to define family as people who accept us exactly as we are. but we do acknowledge that family is one of the most uncontrolled relationships in life. so, having friends as close as family denotes almost a higher (well, different) level of importance and acceptance. because, we could have chosen to disengage from that relationship anytime, unaccept the people with whom we are in friendship, and we didn’t.

therefore, seeing these ‘friends as close as family’ fills me up with hope and courage to continue being me, continue moving forward when it seems like no one cares if i move mountains or if i stand still. but this makes saying goodbye to those friends that much harder.

this year i am thankful for my connections across the nation, or world for that matter. thankful for those genuine times of goodness spent with people when i was not worried about being something else, or being misunderstood. or more importantly, when i was worried, and those connections solidified that there was no need.

i’d love to feel your hand touching mine and tell me why i must keep working on…so I’d give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of california stars.

california stars- billy bragg and wilco.

it is what it is. and it’s just instantly there.

and if you shake your heart enough, she will appear. tonight i think i’ll be staying here.

ok, so i know i promised you a super sleuth story. but, after a big huge date night like meal (cheese, wine, salad, wine, butternut squash linguine, wine, and some chocolate thing in a coffee cup that was like half cooked brownie mix, ie:heaven) i am in a food coma, which is affecting my patience for my own stories. alas,  my friends, the crime scene murder mystery will have to wait. ok, you’re right. not murder.

so, this ‘feeling’ thing i guess gets you somewhere. like, through things. embracing them has apparently made me move forward. not on, because well, that suggests like, getting over. and this is something (and i wrote someone just then, and had to correct. total freudian slip) i don’t want to get over. 

so yea, i’ve moved forward. and it is what it is. but this time, in a ‘i’m not putting up a wall’ it is what it is, ignoring feelings as a way to avoid disappointment, or heartbreak. but a different kind of is what it is. like a ‘it is what it is,’ forgot i wasn’t thinking about it way. like it pleasantly, and nondescriptly dropped off my list of things to remember to think about. and that was, nice. well, i didn’t even realize it really.

until this morning. when i got out of the shower, at 6:22 am, and *f*l*a*s*h* you were there. in my head. like, why? just there. in the front of my brain. and then i realize that 14 minutes earlier i awoke from one of those completely and utterly real dreams that later, when you remember it, you can’t remember right away if that memory was because it happened, or because you dreamed it.

and i sighed, embraced it, and kept going, kept moving. and proceeded to have a totally, outrageously busy day at work. meeting with my boss’ boss, employee year end performance reviews, 45 minutes total of non meeting time in ten hours, plus ninety five “must do today”s on my list kind of day. an life went on.

until in a double whamie kind of way jason schwartzman began singing to me on the burnt orange sunset drive home through berkeley while staring across the bay at my city. he sang, “for a second there i thought you disappeared. it rains a lot this time of year… and miss you, i’m going back home to the west coast. i wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase.”

and i forgot again, if you were right there, in the front of my brain, all over again because it happened, or it was a dream.

i felt, and therefore learned, two things today: the west coast is home. and it was a dream.

going back home to the west coast…

west coast- coconut records.

reaching the first dating milestone

why am i not surprised by your condition, when you look at me and ask me what to do, and i say to you, “you need to think this through.”

so i have a few friends that are in this interesting spot of dating. and what really hits me is that they all begin to react to this dating milestone in the same manner.

i’m talking about the two or three month in, stop and think about where this is going, intersection. and i think this is a really hard spot in dating for all parties involved. it is this pivotal moment that demands our  attention and action.

it is usually in this period of time when you’ve gathered enough information about the person that you’ve been seeing/dating to know whether or not you wish to continue. yes, i believe that it takes a minimum of 3 months of dating to really begin to get an accurate understanding of who the other is, how they do/will/would fit into your life, and what the next few months could look like. what i see happening in my friends is the half unconscious half conscious evaluation of the costs and benefits of dating the person they are, understanding what they like and dislike about the person, and what comes next. and coincidentally my friends all seem to lean towards ending things rather than continuing.

what sucks for everyone involved is that when the three month period becomes this crossroad point of dating there is usually one party that wants to continue dating, enter the next milestone and commit to the relationship, and one person usually saying, “eh”. (because if both parties want to continue then this moment doesn’t inspire any introspection, and is usually skated through. and if both parties think that it is going nowhere then it usually doesn’t even last 3 months.) and the “eh” party has one of two choices: actively break it off with the other, or passively shut down and wait for the other to pick up on it. and i guess what i’m trying to get at is that owning up and breaking up with someone is as difficult as being broken up with.

obviously three months is long enough to become attached and know someone pretty personally. and for any relationship to get that far is an accomplishment, for both parties. but i think the reason that some people begin to shut down, and avoid dealing with the breakup is because they DO care about the other person. and therefore don’t want to do the hard thing- tell someone that they DO care about that they just don’t see a future with that person. it just doesn’t seem to fit.

and sometimes, there isn’t really a specific reason to give the other. sometimes what seemed right in week 6 of dating doesn’t in week 9. and to articulate that, in a sympathetic way, to someone you care about is ridiculously difficult. so, often, that conversation is avoided at all costs. or it is done over the phone, or over text. where the ‘dumper’ doesn’t have to see the disappointed face of someone they care about.

and really this just sucks for everyone. after having the initial ’shut down’ reaction, one of my friends decided NOT to go this route. decided to to have the difficult conversation.

and it was hard. and made me proud and thankful for the accountability attached to this breakup. and weaving this in with my lesson of 2008, i think that this is the way it should go.

this is probably the most common relational intersection. the moment of ‘is this going where i want it to.’ and so i am going to just throw a little nonjudgemental perspective into the wind. we have all been at this moment, and many of us will have numerous more pauses at this very intersection of life. and we have all probably been on both sides of the do i want to continue this fence. and it is hard to be on either. so my suggestion. be present in your dating life. chose that you want to continue or end with the person and own that decision. if perhaps you decide not to continue know that the greatest thing you can offer to that relationship at that moment is truth, honesty and accountability. and if you are the one wanting to continue, and the other doesn’t, know that you put in what you could and that the decision was difficult for them.

dating is hard. non of us want to be broken up with. but none of us want to be the bad guy either. so stay true to yourself and give the other person the courtesy of not having to deal with a jerk.

this is your own mess that you’ve got into
have a cigarette hope the best turns out for you
and i say you you need to think this through
why can’t we just laugh forget and move on
let’s make a toast from coast to coast for all the things we’ve done

heartbroken and still picky, and that’s just ok.

and it’s only doubts that we’re counting on fingers broken long ago. i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous

so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak.

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have.

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. my response was simple, “either, or both. i would like to meet someone interesting and smart that i am also attracted to. it seems like i can’t find both in the same person lately.”  then i told him how i liked that he called it luck (as in- it’s not just me being wrong at life) and asked why he asked me the question in the first place. his response, “I ask because 1) I’ve had the same “luck” as you for 1+ year and 2) I’m looking for either, but super picky, even when asked out.” of course i responded, “well duh, i’m picky too, i’m not going to stop being picky just because it’s been a while since my last relationship.”

and suddenly the conversation with my friend came to my mind. while wallowing in our broken heartedness he said, “the thing is steph, we both know what is out there for us in terms of love, we feel we have had it or a taste of it, and what breaks my heart even more is that i know neither of us will settle for anything less. and that makes me worry that we will end up alone.”
so i guess this is the best way to explain where i am in my dating life. when most people get ‘desperate’ they change or lower their standards. they try different methods of dating or different types of people, they give in. whereas i become more steadfast and determined. alas, if i’ve waited this long there is no way i’m going to settle for someone that doesn’t do it for me like i know it can be done (ha). i mean i like who i am. i think i’m pretty great. and i also think that the person i am going to date casually or seriously needs to be pretty great. because there is nothing in it for me to talk to a physically attractive guy that doesn’t mentally stimulate me. i’m just past that. that’s what you do in your first year of being single. you explore all the possibilities. by year 2.5 you end up at the same place you were before. waiting for the one that has exactly what you know you need. the one that could break your heart if he/she didn’t work.

cause really, there is nothing more exciting than knowing at the beginning of dating that this could be something so good that it could kill you. heartbreak is just that. heartbreaking. but it is invigorating and rejuvenating, and ultimately the perfect reminder to keep looking. that those people that embody all your hopes and dreams in a partner do actually exist. and holding out is totally worth it.

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind: 
get loved, make more, try to stay alive.

the connection that knowingly leads to heartbreak

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal.

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.
through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit.

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into.

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic.

my basic question i guess is why is it so hard for me to open myself up to possible connections with people who ARE available to me? i mean don’t i preach at length at how all ever want in life is earth shattering connection? so why do i only allow myself to make such connections with unavailable people. i suppose the only answer is that i’m scared. maybe of rejection. cause when an available person and connection with that person don’t work, i will inevitably blame myself. but at least with connection with unavailable others i can blame something else. like a significant other, or distance, or whatever. and i can get over it and move on.

but for a million reasons these connections seem to a) keep popping up in my life, and b) tend to be really really real. they tend to be so real and intense because neither involved has any other agenda than pure genuine openness because we know that we are not getting to know each other in hopes of dating. cause circumstances make that irrational, unreasonable, and unavailable. and we are OBviously a culture that does not value anything else.

its a catch 22 (shocker). i could open myself to connections with people ‘available’ and become extra vulnerable in the beginning of possible relationship (because i may be rejected). and may never find this connection which equals MAJOR rejection. or i can have an amazing connection with someone for a moment in time that will inevitably end (so i tell myself- all while actually letting myself be consumed by the romatical feelings that this might work, that love might prevail and the impossible become reality).

i have just put my foot in my mouth. seeing as i (ugh) apparently love and value vulnerability. no. i just like vulnerability when it is genuine AND used with the intent to connect. but what i hate about the vulnerability in the above catch 22 is that it is also one way. cause i have to open up nearly everyone not knowing if they will like me back, or open up back, or connect. and because some people just don’t like some people. i will say that certain people i open up to will NOT like me and connect. rejection on a mass scale.

so what is worse. having connection that ends because of something totally out of your control, or being closed off to a possible connection that may not end because it may never happen (rejection).

this is hard. i’m confused. still. usually i end unconfused, talking through my thoughts and theories and craziness and boom, i feel better and resolved. but this one is different.

what is worth more: vulnerability or connection? save face (not be vulnerable) and create an awesome intense connection that will end in heartbreak… or become vulnerable and alone in hopes of creating connection that will last but never knowing if it will lead to actual connection or just rejection.

is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? or is the heartbreak that comes with a connection ended just cruel punishment?

help. it’s possible that i cannot help myself on this one. because i am addicted to the unavailable connections (cause they are real, and genuine) but know and love the value of vulnerability.

dear chicago,
you’ll never guess. 
you know the girl you said I’d meet someday? 
well, I’ve got something to confess. 
she picked me up on friday. 
asked me if she reminded me of you. 
i just laughed and lit a cigarette, 
said “that’s impossible to do. “