the average guy- savior of the dating world

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.

so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.

i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).

so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.

and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.

so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.

so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak.  we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.

and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.

chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).

romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.

so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).

so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long,  and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.

so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.

so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.

call, break it off. call, break my own heart… maybe i woulda been something you’d be good at. maybe you coulda been something i’d be good at. but now we’ll never know.

still a little jaded from the way the last relationship ended

old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more

this is for a friend. revived and reposted…

i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” and he started by saying that his parents were married for 40 years and loved each other every second of it, and she cuts him off with her rude pushy brooklyn accent and is like no! i don’t care about your parents! don’t try and use that crap blah blah blah. and he was like whoa listen up lady. i was saaaaying that my parents were married for 40 years and in love for every second of it. they were through hare times, easy times, fun times, and sad times together. SO he got married, the first time, to the love of his life, high school sweetheart. it didn’t work, they got divorced. he met number 2 and said oh, this will work, i just hadn’t experienced enough before i got married last time. then, divorce. after that he said. now wait a minute. i can do this. i CAN make this work, i mean i have to, i can make a marriage work, im not an idiot. after divorce three he really pondered it. said, no way am i letting divorce prove me wrong. its love, i can love and be married and have it work. my parents did, they expect me to, i can do this. after divorce four he said, ok, im not an idiot, i am, however, not meant for marriage. but this does not make me less of a person. i am ok with that.
its interesting, they always say that children of divorced parents have trouble with relationships. nope, its not just us you sorry bastards, its you happy marriage children too. relationships are hard. its life. but this whole story really really made me realize something. we never start relationships expecting them to end. or assuming he would fall out of love, or she would cheat. i mean we would get no where if that were the case. the truth is, we want relationships to work.

we meet someone and for a period we honestly believe that they will be the one, the one forever, the one we call baby, the one we make babies with. we start relationships with no thought of the end. we leave past jadedness behind and start fresh. but we are human and we fall out of love and we explore our options, physically. and we hurt those people we are in relationships with that are still in the period of relationship where they believe this is it, the one that will last forever. and of course, by we i mean them. they fall out of love, they cheat. back on track. its ok though, that they abruptly pull you out of wonderful passionate fog of love and do something to end the relationship. its ok. because, truthfully, they saved you. that unfaithful ex boy or girlfriend and that bored with your love ex partner, they gave you your life back. they gave you a glimpse of the good. that’s it, a chance to stop, and say ok….do i want to work and work for someone who does not feel the same way? nope. but it leaves us jaded.

and when we’re trying to jump back into the game (possibly too quickly) - its that work, pain, and frustration we remember when we meet someone new. its not the passionate all consuming butterflies in the stomach cant stop looking at them love that we remember from our past relationships. we are left with remorse, and hesitation and a heart with a little bit thicker of a skin.

and that next relationship possibility…. hmmm… is it really worth it? i mean do i ever want to get hurt like that again? do i really want to put myself in a position to fail at another relationship. we so quickly forget the all consuming EXCITING love that got us into the past relationship in the first place. and here we are – stuck between the two extremes of love. all consuming passion, and all consuming misery. but. its not too late. its not too late for love. i mean that passionate love is the best feeling in the entire world. no matter what anyone says. and for me. its worth another try. so he or she fell out of love, or cheated. thank god. you get another try to be more real, more happy than before, more wise, more strong, more vulnerable, and one hundred percent more worth it. so i guess… what im trying to say… is remember…. neither of us enter relationships wanting or expecting them to end, when its good its good. and that good takes work, and if that work is not put in by both parties, it will end. and even then, just remember- its not how either of you intended. its ok. those butterflies are worth it.

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please

breaking relationship habits

why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand

because… its still true.
habits. we all have them. some good for us, some bad. either way, they become part of us. who we are, how we identify ourselves. how we distinguish our selves from others, part of the pieces that make us up.
the process of letting go of a habit, or breaking that habit, is interesting, and difficult. bad habits are difficult to break for quite a few reasons. i mean most of the time if you analyze a bad habit youll find that rationally you do not want to be involved in that habit. cigarettes, alcohol, bad decision making, biting your nails. i mean on paper they are bad things for you. however…that bad habit- it becomes part of you. and letting that part of you go, no matter how bad it is, is difficult. its like losing part of your identity. being no longer able to identify with something that was such apart of you, something you did, someone you were.
breaking up with someone is similar to breaking a bad habit. there comes a point where you look at the situation rationally. ok, we are not meant to be for a, b and c reasons. but longing, and caring, and missing become habits that we fall into. we create the habit of wondering what they are doing, of thinking that they are great, smart, attractive, and kind. and it becomes part of a daily routine. to miss, to wonder, to long. and then that habit becomes part of who we are as a person. part of our identity. so rationally- its over. ‘we’ will not be for a, b, and c reasons. but breaking that habit is a whole nother emotional story.
letting go of a bad habit is still letting go of part of yourself. part of yourself that makes no sense, that is unhealthy. but its something you identified with. whether you identify as someone who longs for another or as the boyfriend or girlfriend we often tend to hold on to these ‘identifiers’ much longer than we actually need to get over the relationship or breakup because they become habit. and habits are just hard to break. 21 days, they say.

you keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew. red wine and cigarettes…hide your bad habits underneath the patio