two of my favorites responded, leaving me with a barrel of entertainment packed into every minute of this show. aubrey  and daisy were my lovey in studio guests, and we had a very interesting time.

tori and i discussed in self aware/new agey (my fav)/ psychological terms (much to daisy’s dismay) the process of becoming aware of certain things in your relationships in order to change them, and attract the right kind of relationships and love.

then Tori did a color wisdom card reading for each of us. (around halfway through the show)

aubrey went first, and we knew then that this was good. Tori was good. she hit on some majorly interesting things  for us.

she chose two colors for aubrey and daisy and reviewed them and their meanings. then she chose two for me, and i actually got one of the same as aubrey’s and one of the same as daisy’s.

she was a little surprised, and then explained that it was probably because i had so much energy invested in their outcomes and that i cared so deeply for their happiness, or something. awwww.

to get a clear picture, she drew three cards for me, and WOW. basically my destiny in life is to heal myself of past wounds and then HELP OTHERS heal/have happy relationships. uh, thank you validation (that i knew all along, but now YOU see ;)

preeeetttty cool. check her out at www.torihartman.com

and listen to the podcast. it’s great.

tori hartman gives us hope.

@stephdub: it’s so funny how fear and doubt can creep in to make us question something that we are batshit excited about. ENOUGH! Banish! I’m AWESOME!

i used this tweet in effort to step away from unneeded and unwanted fear about something so that i was so excited about. and it worked. i went forward with what i was feeling insecure about. and LET ME TELL YOU, IT WORKED. SOME AWESOME RESULTS came directly from ignoring the fear. and embracing the excitement.

a few days later i was having an amazing conversation about synchronicity with a close friend. and we were talking about how we often dismiss signs from the universe, or where ever, as coincidence. and in fact, nothing is coincidence. it’s all connected. and the more we begin to notice the signs. the more they come. and the more positive things continue to happen.

i get a daily email called the dailyOM. it’s great. it’s a little piece of perspective in my inbox everyday.  today i was reading my dailyOMs from the last few days, and what do i find? THIS.

synchronicity, my dear friends. it’s all a sign.

June 8, 2010
Translating Our Feelings
Are You Excited Or Scared?

Often times when trying something new, we feel scared when in actuality we may be excited. Reframe your thoughts.

When new challenges and opportunities show up in our lives, we may diagnose ourselves as feeling scared when what we really feel is excited. Often we have not been taught how to welcome the thrill of a new opportunity, and so we opt to back off, indulging our anxiety instead of awakening our courage. One way to inspire ourselves to embrace the opportunities that come our way is to look more deeply into our feelings and see that butterflies in our stomach or a rapidly beating heart are not necessarily a sign that we are afraid. Those very same feelings can be translated as excitement, curiosity, passion, and even love.

There is nothing wrong with being afraid as long as we do not let it stop us from doing the things that excite us. Most of us assume that brave people are fearless, but the truth is that they are simply more comfortable with fear because they face it on a regular basis. The more we do this, the more we feel excitement in the face of challenges rather than anxiety. The more we cultivate our ability to move forward instead of backing off, the more we trust ourselves to be able to handle the new opportunity, whether it’s a new job, an exciting move, or a relationship. When we feel our fear, we can remind ourselves that maybe we are actually just excited. We can assure ourselves that this opportunity has come our way because we are meant to take it.

Framing things just a little differently can dramatically shift our mental state from one of resistance to one of openness. We can practice this new way of seeing things by saying aloud: I am really excited about this job interview. I am really looking forward to going on a date with this amazing person. I am excited to have the opportunity to do something I have never done before. As we do this, we will feel our energy shift from fear, which paralyzes, to excitement, which empowers us to direct all that energy in the service of moving forward, growing, and learning.

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them.

and this conversation keeps replaying in my mind because every single thing about it represents exactly what drives me to do and love all this relationship stuff that i write and discuss. stress and highlight the importance of talking. of actually communicating in relationships.

we just get so scared that our needs won’t be met, or that someone won’t want to try and meet them, that we stop asking. we stop talking about them. because if we’re not asking for anything, we can’t be let down. and that’s precisely where i was.

but in this conversation he not only allowed me to have feelings, and discuss them, he demanded it of me.

i guess that’s the thing. when you care about someone it’s not actually hard to talk about the tricky stuff because you care about their needs, and feelings.

it all seems so simple.

and overwhelming, actually. i am overwhelmed with ‘how to process this’ thoughts about the validation i felt after the interaction. and it’s weird. sometimes getting what you want is scary. and when things happen exactly how you need them to it can be as emotional as if they went disastrously. validation is an intense and powerful thing. to give, and receive. and when someone close is able to validate a need that you didn’t even know you had, you can’t help but to be a little overwhelmed… and thankful.

so this particular love letter to new orleans is in fact a note of thanks to someone in particular. someone who had the difficult conversation. because it was the right thing for me. not the easy thing for him. to someone who most certainly has no clue how much he has inadvertently taught me about myself and relationships in general. who seems to, oddly, know more about some things that i need than my overly reflective and analytical self.
all done with simple, and genuine acts.

so as i ponder more and more what this all means in life. and why things are the way they are, i say thank you one more time. for demanding that i be true to my feelings. and being willing to deal with whatever that meant. for validation, kindness, authenticity, and care.

yes, there are still things i’m still quite sure of. i love you this hour, this hour today. and heaven will smell like the airport. but I may never get there to prove it, so let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair.
i’m an animal, you’re an animal too.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?!

if i had to choose anything as my numero uno theme/life lesson of oh9 it would HAVE to be exactly that, CONSCIOUS ACTIONS. awareness of self and actions. so why, pray tell, was i so incapable of agreeing with his statement about planning, and being deliberate?

and last night, in another conversation with someone i don’t know very well, i said something else that immediately after made me say to myself, ‘wait a second i completely don’t believe what i just said.’ similar subject- understanding self and what works and balancing writing online with real life communication, preferably face to face.

so this is what i’ve come up with as reason for my uncharacteristic behavior. the universe loves me. and is listening, and providing me with exactly what i need in my life. people that get it. life, and connection, and action, and consequence, and risk, and goals, and dreams.

and after feeling pretty disconnected from life and people that last few months of oh9, i was so used to having to explain my new agey, be aware of who you are, and what you do, and make things happen for yourself mindset, that when i was speaking to people that got it i got confused and discombobulated in the conversation. not realizing that they were in the same place as i was. understanding the importance of the COMBINATION of thinking and acting. planning and doing.

also, it’s fun, and weird and crazy to be talking to someone that doesn’t know me very well, who is trying to explain to me the importance of thinking, and planning to make things happen. me! the think-a-holic! i’m so used to having to explain that not only do i think and analyze everything, but i act too! i act on things that i think about. and looking back on why i felt so unsettled after that conversation, so unlike i was able to express myself, i realize that it was because he already got it. the importance of the balance between thinking/planning and acting/doing. i didn’t have to explain the importance of one in compliment to the other. but i was so used to conversations going that way, i just enacted the routine unconsciously. whoa! talk about conversation/mindset shift.

maybe none of this made sense to anyone but myself. so i guess i’ll recap. i was left feeling oddly, uncharacteristicly, and probably unwarrantedly unsettled by my inability to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings on life, and self awareness and greatness in two separate conversations recently. and upon processing, i have come to the conclusion that i was assuming that they wouldn’t ‘get it.’ ‘it’ being how i think, what i feel, and my new agey theories on consciousness in life. i just assumed, and had the conversation as if the assumption were truth. because, i’d learned the hard way that it felt pretty sucky to think that someone got it, only to find out later that they didn’t. but little be known to me, i wasn’t giving the uni enough credit.

’cause these guys got it.

so, thanks universe. first, for the perspective. reminding me to stay conscious of what is, not what i think is. second, for sending me people that get it. i hope to see more of them.

(postscript. i had connections in late oh9. was just feeling disconnected in general. i’m clarifying to let you, my connections, know that you matter. then, and now.)

strength in my bones put the words in my head.

say anything. i want to know your plans.

ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral.  i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.).
and i started spiraling through all of the same crazy thoughts that i tempered above. and then, before logging off, i decided to do a search. for men, in my area, with my physical, personality, educational, and recreational preferences.
and that’s when i got it. what i needed from the silly site. after perusing through the 200 profile photos and 20 word descriptions, coming up basically dry on anyone i’d even be interested in meeting, i remembered that all of these guys are out there ‘wanting it.’ believing in relationships, and dating, and looking for a “cute girl who I can hold hands with at the farmer’s market” or “Someone that I can make laugh and visa versa. Someone with a good head on her shoulders (keep up in intelligent conversations as well as goofy banter)” or “a woman that is charming, intelligent and beautiful, with a sense of adventure” or however else you want to say it. and they are trying. and going for it.
and though this realization didn’t make me change my mind whatsoever about the rightness, or lack thereof, that i feel about online dating, it did give me an overwhelmingly rejuvenating kick in my dating reset button for good old twenty ten.
so yea. he’s out there. waiting to serendipitously experience our meet cute. and with him i’ll get drinks. i’ll get dinner. i’ll go to a baseball game. i’ll go for a trip down the coast. i’ll get bi-rite ice cream and  spend the afternoon in the coffee shop reading. i will go on ‘dates’ that feel right, and know they’ve seen the actual steph. cause there is way more cuke to this girl than meets the eye.
so thanks match.com. not for any actual dates, but the refill on hope. and i’m ready, 2010, for whatever dating life you throw my way.

she led the modern sunset to your window, gestured with a plane jane hand, she said, “let’s go.”

last night was a night that campfire stories are made of. well, maybe not campfire. maybe, um, coffee, or having beer, or ice cream, or whatever.

it involved an east bay pick up, a mocktoberfest costume purchase, a pizza party, a middle of the night drive across the golden gate, a meteor shower with comet tails, cozy laying with three on the hood of the focus, ghoststorytelling, laughing, a moment of common obsession for a 1996 movie soundtrack, playing the air piano and violin, approaching a garage door crime scene, super sleuthing through the crime scene with a 1.5 hour alarm count down, a blue bottle coffee and banana nut muffin, east bay drop, and off to work.

this super sleuth story deserves a full, well written post. but, i’m sleepy. so, please, handle those horses, and your detective story curiosities will be settled tomorrow eve.

“i think that neko case should be playing everytime i look at the stars.” – matthewfleming

in astrology, the 9th house in a chart is all about higher learning. it covers academic subjects, higher education, cultural learning, publishing, foreign travel, and philosophy.

and in any house, the specific plants in that house, and what sign rules that house affect a person at the level of core being in those areas of life.

i have a few key elements in my ninth house. first, it is ruled by sagittarius. which means that i am on a constant quest for knowledge, which will add to my understanding of the world. i enjoy travel, study, and philosophy- anything that sparks this quest. also, i have jupiter (conjunct uranus) in my ninth house. jupiter, being the planet of abundance, luck, and fortune. therefore it means that i will have a tendency for abundance in the areas that the ninth house represents- higher education and travel (uh, you think?). and lastly, my south node is in my ninth house. the nodes are not planets, but basically energy forces that affect a person like a planet. the north node’s placement in a house represents the area of one’s life that will be an area of constant learning and lessons. essentially, your lesson in this life to learn. the house with the south node, thereby represents an area of extra comfort. the area that one goes to retreat after dealing with the challenges and life lessons of the north node placement.

sagittarius, jupiter, and south node- all in my house of travel and higher learning. this may help give you an idea of how important travel is to me.

traveling gives me perspective. in all sorts of ways. it calibrates my compass for life. and it seems that my relationships in nola seem to adjust, or confirm, or validate, or highlight everything in my life that i like, need, want to change, push for, yearn for, desire, and am. the connections i have there do all of the above things unlike anywhere else.

there are lots of layers underlying my connections and relationships in new orleans. an interconnectedness of people that i’ve met at all different places and times in my life. they all mean something to me that is directly correlated to how deeply i care for, and feel connected to them now. my connections, each individual story of how i met every single person i know in nola is a true testament to the universe’s grand plan and higher purpose. it includes a best friend’s boyfriend, someone that represents love, acceptance, romance and risk, someone that believed in my ability and personal cause, someone that opened their home to me, someone i met the day i got my perspective tattoo that gives me immense inspiration, someone that welcomed me into a group of friends, and many, many more. all of whom touch my soul.

it’s the people. my relationships. the energy of the city. so thank you, nola. for weaving an intricate  web of connections, purposes, lessons, opportunities, emotions, and perspective. without you, i’d not be who i am today.

my love for you is better than dying arms, to you, everything i bestow. and tomorrow i’ll be dancing on my own, and i’ll need a kiss from you for my head that’s aching.

‘To You I Bestow’ – Mundy

]]> http://stephdub.com/2009/11/03/you-give-me-more-than-youll-ever-know/feed/ 1 http://stephdub.com/2009/11/02/oh-nola-how-you-break-my-heart-while-simultaneously-band-aiding-it-back-together/ http://stephdub.com/2009/11/02/oh-nola-how-you-break-my-heart-while-simultaneously-band-aiding-it-back-together/#comments Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:30:40 +0000 steph http://stephdub.com/?p=26 louisiana, come go away with me. we’ll take the highway, i’ll see you in between. if i listened to my head, never would have come. spend two days without it, just the sleeping in the sun.

day 2.

and i, again, have no idea where to begin. my mind is, per usual post nola visits, spiraling. last year at this exact moment i was in bad shape (like a good moment of bad shape?).

i was on a plane, at 30,000 ft above solid ground, heartbroken. writing. trying not to lose it in front of innocent planesitters.

here i am a year later, heartbroken in many of the same ways. but in a completely different place in so many of the other ways. the heartbreak this year is different.

i was explaining my love for nola to a friend that was there with me, on his first visit to the fine city. well, trying to. and the most concrete thing i could think of to explain my love was the people. my friends in nola are real friends. genuine, connection and care filled relationships. with one hundred percent acceptance of me. and us. and whenever i am around them, there is no awkward catch up/get on the same page period. we just are. the relationship continues. we live in the moment. and enjoy one another in the moment.

and i suppose that is why leaving is so heartbreaking. no matter what, the moment is over. and there will be more. but, i just don’t want it to be over, ever.

you see, it’s hard to know that you are doing the exact thing you need to be doing in life. and not want to change anything (well, you know) but still have these amazing connections and ‘moments’ that you have to…leave.

and it’s not that i don’t have these moments of connectedness in my ‘real’ life. i do. gosh, i do. i have an amazing life, for which i am endlessly grateful to the universe. but i cannot seem to process the idea that there is another world of greatness 2,500 miles away. that i can’t experience more than once or twice a year. in person, at least.

and there is one part all of this that i just cannot self therapize through. you see, i’m pretty good at the ‘thinking through’ part of life, self-awareness, growth, and relational schemas. where i’m not so good is the feeling part.

i don’t know how to ‘process’ feelings. and maybe that’s it. feelings aren’t supposed to be processed? either way, i find myself stuck when i come to the point of ‘this is what happened and why i feel what i do.’ but then i’m not sure i know really what to do with the feeling with which i’m left. and i get stuck. very, very stuck.

i know for certain that sf is for me. that everything i am doing in life is exactly what i should be. but why do i feel like this when i leave nola? why are there people in my life that i want to be around much much much more than an annual vacation or two provides? i mean, i have friends all over the states. and i love visiting them, and i miss them, a lot. but i don’t feel like this when i leave.

like a piece of my heart is gone.

i’m sure there are pieces of the story i’m not telling you, in regards to the laundry list of reasons new orleans, and its people, affect me so. but know this- i end up, in a worse way, in the same stuck position. feeling helpless and lost a little by trying to just sit with my feelings. and say ‘they are what they are’ and i even know why they are. but they are hard, intricate and complex feelings that touch on so many other things in me.

i know that any therapist or intuitive would tell me to just embrace my feelings. that they are for a reason, and to trust the universe, and let things unfold.

and i can, and will do that. but right here, on an airplane, in suspended time letting it unfold is challenging. that doesn’t mean i won’t do it it. hell, i have no choice. but i feel like if i keep thinking, writing, processing, i’ll have an answer.

and if there is one thing i’ve definitely learned for certain, it’s that life doesn’t work that way.

drinking our coffee, under a canopy. never saw the morning, slept through half the day. there’s thunder and there’s lightening a hundred miles away. i got my hands full most of the time.

i got my hands full, all summer long. i’ve got my hands full.

‘Louisiana’ – The Walkmen