connection with people that get it? yes, please.

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones put the words in my head.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?! Read the rest of this entry »

the reset button has been tripped.

ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral.  i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.). Read the rest of this entry »

wish after wish after comet tailing wish

so sleepy.

last night was a night that campfire stories are made of. well, maybe not campfire. maybe, um, coffee, or having beer, or ice cream, or whatever.

it involved an east bay pick up, a mocktoberfest costume purchase, a pizza party, a middle of the night drive across the golden gate, a meteor shower with comet tails, cozy laying with three on the hood of the focus, ghoststorytelling, laughing, a moment of common obsession for a 1996 movie soundtrack, playing the air piano and violin, approaching a garage door crime scene, super sleuthing through the crime scene with a 1.5 hour alarm count down, a blue bottle coffee and banana nut muffin, east bay drop, and off to work.

this super sleuth story deserves a full, well written post. but, i’m sleepy. so, please, handle those horses, and your detective story curiosities will be settled tomorrow eve.

“i think that neko case should be playing everytime i look at the stars.” – matthewfleming

you give me more than you’ll ever know

kiss me and tell me it’s not broken. kiss me and kiss me ’till i’m dead.

in astrology, the 9th house in a chart is all about higher learning. it covers academic subjects, higher education, cultural learning, publishing, foreign travel, and philosophy.

and in any house, the specific plants in that house, and what sign rules that house affect a person at the level of core being in those areas of life.

i have a few key elements in my ninth house. first, it is ruled by sagittarius. which means that i am on a constant quest for knowledge, which will add to my understanding of the world. i enjoy travel, study, and philosophy- anything that sparks this quest. also, i have jupiter (conjunct uranus) in my ninth house. jupiter, being the planet of abundance, luck, and fortune. therefore it means that i will have a tendency for abundance in the areas that the ninth house represents- higher education and travel (uh, you think?). and lastly, my south node is in my ninth house. the nodes are not planets, but basically energy forces that affect a person like a planet. the north node’s placement in a house represents the area of one’s life that will be an area of constant learning and lessons. essentially, your lesson in this life to learn. the house with the south node, thereby represents an area of extra comfort. the area that one goes to retreat after dealing with the challenges and life lessons of the north node placement.

sagittarius, jupiter, and south node- all in my house of travel and higher learning. this may help give you an idea of how important travel is to me.

traveling gives me perspective. in all sorts of ways. it calibrates my compass for life. and it seems that my relationships in nola seem to adjust, or confirm, or validate, or highlight everything in my life that i like, need, want to change, push for, yearn for, desire, and am. the connections i have there do all of the above things unlike anywhere else.

there are lots of layers underlying my connections and relationships in new orleans. an interconnectedness of people that i’ve met at all different places and times in my life. they all mean something to me that is directly correlated to how deeply i care for, and feel connected to them now. my connections, each individual story of how i met every single person i know in nola is a true testament to the universe’s grand plan and higher purpose. it includes a best friend’s boyfriend, someone that represents love, acceptance, romance and risk, someone that believed in my ability and personal cause, someone that opened their home to me, someone i met the day i got my perspective tattoo that gives me immense inspiration, someone that welcomed me into a group of friends, and many, many more. all of whom touch my soul.

it’s the people. my relationships. the energy of the city. so thank you, nola. for weaving an intricate  web of connections, purposes, lessons, opportunities, emotions, and perspective. without you, i’d not be who i am today.

my love for you is better than dying arms, to you, everything i bestow. and tomorrow i’ll be dancing on my own, and i’ll need a kiss from you for my head that’s aching.

‘To You I Bestow’ – Mundy

oh nola, how you break my heart while simultaneously band aiding it back together

louisiana, come go away with me. we’ll take the highway, i’ll see you in between. if i listened to my head, never would have come. spend two days without it, just the sleeping in the sun.

day 2.

and i, again, have no idea where to begin. my mind is, per usual post nola visits, spiraling. last year at this exact moment i was in bad shape (like a good moment of bad shape?).

i was on a plane, at 30,000 ft above solid ground, heartbroken. writing. trying not to lose it in front of innocent planesitters.

here i am a year later, heartbroken in many of the same ways. but in a completely different place in so many of the other ways. the heartbreak this year is different.

i was explaining my love for nola to a friend that was there with me, on his first visit to the fine city. well, trying to. and the most concrete thing i could think of to explain my love was the people. my friends in nola are real friends. genuine, connection and care filled relationships. with one hundred percent acceptance of me. and us. and whenever i am around them, there is no awkward catch up/get on the same page period. we just are. the relationship continues. we live in the moment. and enjoy one another in the moment.

and i suppose that is why leaving is so heartbreaking. no matter what, the moment is over. and there will be more. but, i just don’t want it to be over, ever.

you see, it’s hard to know that you are doing the exact thing you need to be doing in life. and not want to change anything (well, you know) but still have these amazing connections and ‘moments’ that you have to…leave.

and it’s not that i don’t have these moments of connectedness in my ‘real’ life. i do. gosh, i do. i have an amazing life, for which i am endlessly grateful to the universe. but i cannot seem to process the idea that there is another world of greatness 2,500 miles away. that i can’t experience more than once or twice a year. in person, at least.

and there is one part all of this that i just cannot self therapize through. you see, i’m pretty good at the ‘thinking through’ part of life, self-awareness, growth, and relational schemas. where i’m not so good is the feeling part.

i don’t know how to ‘process’ feelings. and maybe that’s it. feelings aren’t supposed to be processed? either way, i find myself stuck when i come to the point of ‘this is what happened and why i feel what i do.’ but then i’m not sure i know really what to do with the feeling with which i’m left. and i get stuck. very, very stuck.

i know for certain that sf is for me. that everything i am doing in life is exactly what i should be. but why do i feel like this when i leave nola? why are there people in my life that i want to be around much much much more than an annual vacation or two provides? i mean, i have friends all over the states. and i love visiting them, and i miss them, a lot. but i don’t feel like this when i leave.

like a piece of my heart is gone.

i’m sure there are pieces of the story i’m not telling you, in regards to the laundry list of reasons new orleans, and its people, affect me so. but know this- i end up, in a worse way, in the same stuck position. feeling helpless and lost a little by trying to just sit with my feelings. and say ‘they are what they are’ and i even know why they are. but they are hard, intricate and complex feelings that touch on so many other things in me.

i know that any therapist or intuitive would tell me to just embrace my feelings. that they are for a reason, and to trust the universe, and let things unfold.

and i can, and will do that. but right here, on an airplane, in suspended time letting it unfold is challenging. that doesn’t mean i won’t do it it. hell, i have no choice. but i feel like if i keep thinking, writing, processing, i’ll have an answer.

and if there is one thing i’ve definitely learned for certain, it’s that life doesn’t work that way.

drinking our coffee, under a canopy. never saw the morning, slept through half the day. there’s thunder and there’s lightening a hundred miles away. i got my hands full most of the time.

i got my hands full, all summer long. i’ve got my hands full.

‘Louisiana’ – The Walkmen