when life shoves brown paint down your throat you can choose to paint a pile of poop… or a teddy bear. or you start with poop and turn it into a teddy bear.

either way, this has been a month for the record books. basically, my daily mantra has been: “the universe knows what it’s doing steph, trust it, give in to it, and let it play out. also, trust yourself, and your intuition to guide you as to how it will play out.”

this weekend, i dove head first back into writing on stephdub.com. with datenight demanding much of my attention, i had left stephdub to thrive off of one very controversial and comment gathering post. i felt inspired and in touch with stephdub the writer. so i wrote, and posted on a saturday evening. when i knew that no one would be around to read it.

sunday morning i went to log into my site analytics to see how many un-noone’s did read the post, and my page was giving me this crazy weird error. so i sent a nonchalant email with a screen shot inquiring about the error.

i leave, have a wonderful and craft packed sunday and come home to watch bored to death and reply to a comment on my post that came in the night before.

at which point i see a 403 error on stephdub.com. and then i see someone tweet about not being able to access stephdub.com.

so i text @gerardramos, try not to worry, and go to bed.

at 10:38am i receive this text: ***king hard drive’s crashed. they are working on getting the data and restoring.
i respond: oh nooooo, i’m sorry, is that as terrible as i think it is? (thinking, well if they are restoring the data, this is one hell of a nightmare that will blow over for me, but be a royal pain in the ass for g.)

at 1:51pm his response: it’s way worse than you think :(

at 2:58pm my blackberry buzzes with an email titled “complete failure.”

i open it to find, among a few others, these paragraphs:
Over the weekend the server was hit with an attack.  One by one, the services were brought down and eventually all data was corrupted.  When the backups ran over night, they were corrupted as well and both hard drives crashed to an un-recoverable state.

The company will not send me the drives because of security issues and they do not have data recovery services internally. They did what they could, but there is nothing left. 

apparently, this is a similar thing that happened to ma.gnolia a few months ago. the recovery process… well, what recovery process?

it’s time to scavenge what’s in google’s cache and dive back into getting stephdub back up and running. a.sap.

and as i read that email i was oddly calm. and said ok, universe… i trust you.

you see, october has handed me doozy after doozy. and i have thrown my hands up, embracing this crazy crooked path with all of the love and trust i have in me.

it started, actually, in september. g and i were spending a sunday afternoon, post brunch, chatting about dating, business, success and progress as i prepared for datenight radio. we reflected on how stephdub.com had been going strong for a year and a half, and how far it, well, i’d come.

when he convinced me that fateful day in May 2008, to make all of my writing public, and start stephdub.com i had just quit my job, moved across the country, and was sleeping on a couch in a dear friend’s bedroom. how was i going to start a site? well, thanks to a good friend all i had to do was register stephdub.com, play in photoshop one sunday afternoon drive down the coast to create a “logo,” and have him set up my wordpress account and host it on his server.

and there i was, a year and a half later, with a radio show, a content filled blog, and a paying job discussing that it was maybe time to ‘revamp’ stephdub.com. time to incorporate datenight and my podcasts with shades of perspective and my writing. but where to begin? i still only had a couple hundred dollars to actually spend on any sort of upgrading… in what area do i spend it?
an actual logo or printable image for stephdub/shades of perspective/datenight?
some sort of site design?

and even when i made that decision, who will do the work? see you all, my designer friends in SF. you’re too badass for me. i can’t afford you. and i respect friendships too much to ask for favors…and i know your work is worth way more than i have to spend.

either way life was good. the weekend after this was my birthday party, and g’s birthday party. i was excited to party hardy and then get back on the exciting track to success with datenight and stephdub.com.

and then it started. without going into too much detail, i had to make a very difficult decision. one that created a battle between my rational, pragmatic self and my intuition. i wrestled with what to do for a while, ultimately choosing intuition and signs i would love to have ignored and…

i quit my radio show. i am no longer a dj at pirate cat radio.

like i said, there were many factors that went into this decision, but it was the right one. since, however, it was such a challenging decision, i didn’t really tell anyone. i needed to sit with it. i needed to process it and own it.

and this past weekend, i started telling a few close friends.

i also threw myself back into writing. and started planning on continuing datenight, in simply podcast form.

and then this.

i lose stephdub.com.
it is a message, universe? well i hear it loud and clear: “step up, steph. keep pushing.”

so here i am thinking… i have a clean slate. and a little bit of money, and a long ass october almost behind me.
what do i do next? well, i decided to put it out there to you… the interwebs, the twitterverse…. my friends.
i see this as the perfect opportunity to rebrand stephdub. or, well, create a brand.

and i’m asking for your help.

with my refusal to risk affecting important friendships by asking any specific friends for help or favors i will put my request right here, for anyone to accept, or adjust, process or deny.

i would like to start fresh with stephdub.com and datenight: i have limited (and i mean limited) funding (like a few hundred dollars) and want to put it towards any or all of the following things:
new site desgin
wordpress theme
logo/s
image/branding (instead of logo)

so- do you have a little free time and want to gain good karma by just donating your badass talent to the stephdub fund? are you a college student, or intern (or know one) that needs a final project? do you have any designers hanging out in your back pocket ;)? are you unemployed, getting paid by the government and want to build your portfolio but you just need a project to do it with? do you love hearts and the color black and like to doodle/sketch while on break from your high paying clients?

if you think you are any of the above, or you know someone that would categorize themselves as any of the above i swear this will be easy and fun and gain you major props by the universe.
if not. that’s cool. cause i’ll totally figure this shit out.

but a very successful saleslady friend of mine always says, “if you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”

all my love,

<3 stephdub

the balance between starting fresh and remembering where we came from

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently.

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory.

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience.

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

breakable girls and boys

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys.

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that.

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly.

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out.

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed.

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twentysomething midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak.

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

living my life for me, and only me.

working on mysteries without any clue…trying to make some front page driving news, working on the night moves in the summertime, in the sweet summertime.

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

mind you, it took me roughly 3 years since that jump start to fully embrace this new found love for who i am, and surround myself with people that love me for everything i am. maybe it’s the new chapter in my life that has recently begun, maybe it is an everyday dose of perspective that i force into my consciousness, maybe it’s the accepting attitude of san francy… maybe, i suppose, it’s all the effort i have put into learning about myself, and actually using that to grow and evolve as a person. whatever it is, it’s fabulous.

but, here i am, finding myself in this interesting, messy and exciting intersection of old and new steph. trying to navigate my way through new and existing relationships. navigate through the new because, well, it’s like i’ve never done this before. i’ve never so fully embraced the ‘i am who i am and its cool if you don’t like that’ M.O.  but i am also navigating through my old relationships, because many of them started with the ‘i will do anything for you, no matter what it means for me’ steph. and boy, is finding this balance difficult.

well maybe it’s not. i feel like what’s difficult is figuring out the old relationships without writing them off. i mean, i can’t really blame the people in my life, that have been there forever, for expecting to continue the relationship with the same patterns of communication, happiness, hurt, and me changing to understand them. but, now, there is this new emotion in me. i suppose it is anger, or a feeling of which i have been taken advantage. so i now hold all these new feelings and emotions in regards to this relationship, and relational partner, but it is not their fault, because i let these things happen for years, because that’s who i was.

but you know the saying – “when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right that very second” – it’s a brilliant description of this intersection within my relationships. this new steph is still compassionate, caring, understanding, and non-judgemental…maybe even more than before because i am not unconsciously holding negative energy and resentment. but, in my lack of knowledge and understanding in regards to making the transition between the two stephs i believe i may come off as a little…uhh…brash. eek. its the “cool, you don’t like me, then peace out!” attitude that comes off as me shutting down. but i think that it’s because am not yet fully confident in this new ‘i am who i am and that is awesome’ steph. and i’m nervous that if i don’t put out ‘the get out the the kitchen if ya don’t like what i’m cookin’ vibe then i’ll let you (unconsciously) try and pull me back in to the ‘i’ll change so long as you’re happy’ steph. so, maybe, i am actually shutting down my emotions, for the moment when i am meeting, and getting to know new people. but it is only to protect myself, which i’ve never done before. and i am finally believing that i deserve a little protection. now i just need to work on emotionally protecting myself, while communicating it a little more softly….

but the good news- since i’ve fully embraced this new steph, i am attracting new people in my life that, in turn, fully accept steph. actually, this seems to be pretty amazing news. in which i was unsure of because everyone i meet in SF is new and only knows this steph. but back in chicago this weekend (via an adventurous friday night that included a serendipitous meeting of one depaul, and one nondepaul graduate, a jukebox rendezvous, budweiser, laughs, lists, attraction and honest connection) my suspicions were confirmed. i am attracting people that will like me and allow me to like me as well. and what a new, exciting and exhilarating feeling.

so from here on out, i’m not going to let you judge me. no, scratch that. i’m not going to let your judgement of me (if negative) affect who i am. i am going to have compassion, and understanding with judgement and resentment resting far far away.

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods