Entries Tagged 'try try again' ↓

can’t give up acting tough. it’s all that i’m made of. can’t scrape together quite enough, to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that i need love. 

after talking with some friends about some recent dating situations i’ve come to a conclusion. one that is slightly frustrating, mostly because i thought i had shed myself of much of the baggage from the ex. but apparently this one has stuck. and i just don’t know really what to do. 

so, i think i’ve mentioned that my ex had very very very needy and truly psychologically crazy girlfriends before me. and because of this, he had more than a tendency to react to things that i did like i was one of those crazy exes. after years of dating, he wouldn’t let me keep any clothes or girl products at his house, he assumed there were ulterior motives for all of my questions, and never ever did anything outwardly romantic, because he thought i expected it, therefore he wasn’t going to give it just to spite me. and this went on and on. and i basically told him that he is the crazy one and needs to take a chill pill.

but ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was treating me like i was crazy and needy no matter what my behavior actually was. he had this image in his brain of ‘girlfriend’=needy and when he looked at me, that’s all he saw. the image created in his head. NOT me. 

so for a zillion reasons, we broke up. and i’ve analyzed every aspect of our relationship and it’s lasting effects over and over, here in writing, out loud to friends, and in my head. and it’s been three and a half years. and i was pretty positive that i got all that analyzing, growth and understanding out of my system. 

until recently. 

it has come to my attention, based on the way i’ve acted with the past few guys i’d ’seen’ that a little habit that i would have previously prided myself on may actually be unhealthy, and reek of self sabotage. 

apparently, the moment i decide that i’m into someone (romantically, like, more than getting to know if i like you as a person) i say calming and nicely to myself, “play it cool.” which is drilled into me over and over. don’t be desperate. don’t show that you like them too much. and i guess we’ve all heard the message, but forget where it came from, and really, what it’s purpose is.

play it cool so that if he/she decides that they don’t like you in return you don’t look dumb.

so here it is, a HUGE disconnect in what i preach (vulnerability at all times) and what i practice (defenses up). a disconnect of which i was honestly very UNAWARE. and there it is, the stain of my last relationship, coming through my fresh and laundered self. apparently (says accounts from my friends) i do and say things (in my conscious ‘play it cool’ attempts) that come off as not only playing it cool, but completely disinterested. Continue reading →

 hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery.

so i’ve had this theory for a while. about the beginning stages of dating. specifically like the first ‘date’ time frame. and as i was going to write about this theory as it pertains to the last boy i met (the one that i was most certain wouldn’t amount to anything), he went and blew my theory. 

but not to worry. as things played out, his exception ended up proving the rule. (mind you being right and smart when it leaves you single and alone really equals a wash.) so here we go. 

i think that the harder it is to ‘get together’ when you first meet someone the less likely anything will come of it. i mean, ok, duh you say. but hear me out. i think that the more difficult it is to reconnect the less you remember the reasons you wanted to get to know each other in the first place. more importantly, i think that a lot of good and possible connections get totally lost because of the logistical nightmares that are our busy lives. and this is sucky. 

there is a small range of time where the excitement of meeting someone will light you with a fire to plow through the routine of life and work to meet up. but if for some reason, schedules get in the way and make it logistically difficult to meet up within this small window of time, the chances that you actually will diminish exponentially. 

let me give an example. two people meet, say, at a bar. they hit it off. they both have an active life, single and on the go (read: population SF). and since they meet on a weekend they wait to connect via phone until early in the week. they connect and it is great, suggest meeting up the next weekend. but, unfortunately one of them has plans to go out of town. plans that were made long before they met the cute someone at the bar. so they agree to reconnect post out of town weekend. and by this point we are looking at ten plus days since the initial meeting. and to keep with a general comfort zone of first date timing, this date will most likely take place on a weekend. so by this point, the two have connected and got excited and then had to live their normal lives for nearly two weeks before the possibly of continuing that excitement even enters the picture.

it is at this point that after a few hits and misses of hanging out, all merely due to scheduling, one or both of the parties fall victim to the annoyance of scheduling and awkwardness of it not working out and look the excitement and initial connection in the eye and say, “whatever, see ya later.” the stupid rational everyday life stuff just gets in the way of pursuing a possible connection. 

and this little fact of life sucks. so as much as we have been taught to follow to the “rules” of dating, and wait a few days before calling. and this and that…. just don’t. because life will get in the way. make it happen.

i have seen this same thing happen over and over, in my own life, and in others’. and it is ultimately disappointing. and the rational one in my says, “well steph, if they liked you enough they would make it work.” but i swear, that is not the case. cause three weeks is a long time to try and remember what it was that sparked some sort of interest one night in a bar. and the connection becomes a memory that incites zero feeling after a while. 

this is just annoying. that’s all.

for the record. that boy that i thought would lead no where actually texted me two weeks after our last contact. asking what i was doing that night. we tried to arrange to meet up that night, and he ended up working late. and the rest is history. done and done.

so say goodbye to love,
and hold your head up high.
there’s no need to rush
we’re all just waiting, waiting to die.

you would seem so frail in the cold of the night when the armies of emotion go out to fight

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now. 

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.                                                                                                         

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?). 

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it. 

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating. Continue reading →

cause it’s one thing to start it with a positive jam, and it’s another thing to see it all through

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

why am i not surprised by your condition, when you look at me and ask me what to do, and i say to you, “you need to think this through.”

so i have a few friends that are in this interesting spot of dating. and what really hits me is that they all begin to react to this dating milestone in the same manner. 

i’m talking about the two or three month in, stop and think about where this is going, intersection. and i think this is a really hard spot in dating for all parties involved. it is this pivotal moment that demands our  attention and action.

it is usually in this period of time when you’ve gathered enough information about the person that you’ve been seeing/dating to know whether or not you wish to continue. yes, i believe that it takes a minimum of 3 months of dating to really begin to get an accurate understanding of who the other is, how they do/will/would fit into your life, and what the next few months could look like. what i see happening in my friends is the half unconscious half conscious evaluation of the costs and benefits of dating the person they are, understanding what they like and dislike about the person, and what comes next. and coincidentally my friends all seem to lean towards ending things rather than continuing. 

what sucks for everyone involved is that when the three month period becomes this crossroad point of dating there is usually one party that wants to continue dating, enter the next milestone and commit to the relationship, and one person usually saying, “eh”. (because if both parties want to continue then this moment doesn’t inspire any introspection, and is usually skated through. and if both parties think that it is going nowhere then it usually doesn’t even last 3 months.) and the “eh” party has one of two choices: actively break it off with the other, or passively shut down and wait for the other to pick up on it. and i guess what i’m trying to get at is that owning up and breaking up with someone is as difficult as being broken up with. Continue reading →

take my hand, come with me, into this crystal scenery

so i’ve written before about letting people in. especially after hurting from a break up. or creating relational schemas from an old relationship, or whatever. but this weekend i was talking to a friend about actually starting to date someone after being single for so long. and she and i are in similar places, having been single for three or so years, and loving ourselves, our lives, and what we have created. and also not ever willing to settle. 

and we have both dated around and met boys that we would like to date who didn’t feel the same way, or had boys want to date us that we didn’t reciprocate. but on the whole, we are strong, single women. looking for the right guy to let in.                                                   and she asked me about something that i have actually thought about a lot, she said, “do you think people just get into relationships cause it is easy? i mean, how do you KNOW that this is the one you want to give up the search for.” and i said, “sheesh, i have no idea. i think the right guy will just make you not even think about being with anyone else. you won’t even think that you are giving up, or that there is possibly someone else.

and this is a thought i have had many times before. usually when i am very casually dating someone i get this freak out moment in my head that maybe this will be the guy. and i won’t be able to go out and try and meet cute boys, or i won’t be able to make-out with that repeat offender that i see every 9 months, and i won’t be able to peruse missed connections hoping to see one about a curly haired red head. and i wonder, is this guy worth the last THREE YEARS i spent growing and loving myself? is THIS the guy to give in for? Continue reading →

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.                                                                                  
Continue reading →

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently. 

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory. 

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience. 

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl. 

word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point. 

The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate. Continue reading →

took a ride on the love wheel. scary, scary go-round and around. honey, honey I don’t want none of your money. i just want off before we hit the ground.

so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish. Continue reading →