the balance between starting fresh and remembering where we came from

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently.

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory.

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience.

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

we get it, you don’t know what you’re doing….

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl.
word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point.
The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate.

and i am really not picking on you boys… well maybe today i kind of am (and am apologizing for the heteronormative perspective of this post). here’s the deal. and i’m not just talking to hipster boys. though i believe that the people i am writing to and about were not necessarily the jocks in high school (because they only made up what, 25% of high school population anyways?!). i live in SF, i have a community of pure tech, art, web 2.0, music and even academic geeks as my friends. and, duh, i’m one of them. so if you do not fit into the above categories then sorry, disregard this post (not really, you need to hear this).
we, as girls, get it. boys are dumb at dating. sorry, but i have heard this more from boys than girls, so i know it is true. you’re shy, you were a dork in high school, you didn’t go to keggers in college, you played (still do) too many video games, you were a late bloomer, your best friend always got the girls, you don’t think you’re attractive, you really think that glasses hide your thoughts, or that they make you look cool and mysterious, you were in a long relationship that never allowed you date around. you were a band geek. you. have. no. idea. what. you. are. doing. WE GET IT.

but where the hell do you think WE learn from? from dealing with all of you dating incompetent boys. more accurately, from TRYING THINGS OUT. and learning from what works and doesn’t work. see, we are forced to have this attitude cause we are girls and girls apparently have this gene in us that makes us love all things relationships. but that’s not really the case. i, personally, am an academic geek that loves communication theory applied to relationships. other girls, they learn about dating from ACTAULLY DOING IT. with you boys. who by no means make it easy on us.

i am not placing full blame of the game on you, but this stuff doesn’t come any more naturally to us than it does to you. we just try. you don’t think that we think ‘having the talk’ is the most awkward thing ever?! we do. but we also know that if WE don’t initiate it, you never will. you don’t think that seeing you at the bar after you have been in our bed the weekend before is awkward? you don’t think that we would like to avoid all contact with you until that awkwardness goes away, too? you don’t think that it is weird that you are our ex’s best friend, or that we work together? sure. we. do. but we man up and plow through the awkwardness of dating cause we like you. and you’re cute. and socially awkward (read: retarded). and clueless on all things dating. and the number one rule of dating (the only rule we seem to know instinctually) is that dating is a game of equaling the playing field of vulnerability at all costs. so, you feel awkward cause you never learned in your thirty years of life how to talk to a girl you think is interesting. we get this, and therefore we make the SECOND move, talk to you, to put OURself out there and therefore we are now both vulnerable. you get it? we automatically give you the first round of vulnerability without actually knowing anything about your dating or cool status past. and if you do make the first move and approach us, therefore making yourself the one in a vulnerable position, i promise you this, we are DYING to level the playing field of vulnerability by putting ourselves back out there, too. this is the natural flow of dating. sharing things, learning things. working through things together.
so, we get it. you have no idea what you are doing. but, neither do we. we just try. and yes, it may make things uber uncomfortable, and we may look like the dumb girls in the process. but at least we are trying. whether or not my lady counterparts are as aggressive as i am in the combatting of awkwardness by walking up to it and shaking its hand or not, we are ALL ready to move past uncomfortable and awkward dating situations.

so can you JOIN us? instead of retreating behind your champagne of beers, thick framed glasses, american apparel hoodies, and guitars, step away from these disguisers of uncertainty and be an active part of the dating game with us. be awkward. and try new things… please?

try yeah, try yeah, hey, hey, hey, try yeah, oh try whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh anybody, oh anybody, oh anybody.

begging and choosing and dating…?

why don’t i just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself.
so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you’re all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality.

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred

the dating game is like a job hunt- exhausting.

tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.
and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

textual romance.

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so i’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?
for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations.

and i mean. i guess this isn’t bad. some people are shy. and texting allows these people to maybe say things they normally wouldn’t to someone’s face or through the phone lines/waves. because they can plan what they want to say they actually say it rather than letting shyness overcome them. it allows people to overcome time zones and scheduling conflicts. and it allows little bits of unexpected communication to come through. but does it allow people to be cowardly when a phone conversation is in fact appropriate? and now a days, with picture texts we don’t even need to verbalize what we are doing to someone, we just need to send a photo. a picture says a thousand words right?

but don’t words, spoken words, still serve a purpose when getting to know someone. isn’t the point of having a vulnerable conversation ‘verbally’ because you are connecting over the mere fact that you are opening up and putting yourself out there as well as the subject you are actually talking about?

so i’m torn on how i feel about texting and dating. in some cases it allows you to get to know someone in a less vulnerable way, encouraging you to open up more with out such consequences. get to know someone that is possible unavailable to see physically, or talk to on the phone. get to know someone when you may have been too shy to otherwise.

but it also allows you to create this fantastical relationship with the person on the other end of texting. because you can script what you want to say. you can wait before replying. you can ask other’s opinions. and to me… this seems dangerously unfortunate. because it’s obvious why texting has become a tried and true method of getting to know someone. there is less rejection. there is less vulnerability. there is more romance. there is more ability to be the person we hope to be (not just reacting to our environment).

and the rules of texting are really unclear. you can say you mistexted something if you feel embarrassed that you said it. you can claim to have never received a text if you want to avoid the subject. you can reply when ever you want, minutes or hours later. or never. and never touch the subject of the unanswered text, because god knows the person looking for an answer is not going to bring it up out of shear embarrassment of no response. smiley faces and exclamation points carry immense amount of weight, and less can be more or a very bad sign.
and i will most certainly not even begin to speak about drunk texting.
so my attempt to analyze the pros and cons of texting in dating has, yet again, turned into a clusterfuck of positive and negative uses of communication technology creating the ever eloquent and romantic catch 22 of information sharing enroute to connection. sigh.

though i may not know the right things to say
i’ll get it out to you one day
i’m shy that way

i can be optimistic and sad at the same time.

i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked.

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared.
as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection.

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction?

why is it that the romantic feelings make rejection and misunderstanding so much more terrible. and terrifying. it took me well into my adult life to accept that some people are just not going to like me, ever, no matter what i say or do. and that was a hard lesson. but that lesson applied to romantic interests is torturous.

i’m the biggest believer in the universe and that things are going to be how they are meant to be. and that ultimately, we as dating humans cannot help who we like. so what is my problem? why am i, personally, so scared to like someone? well, rephrase- why am i so afraid of the rejection that comes with liking someone romantically that does not feel the same way? this is a huge case of cognitive dissonance. i believe one way, and act another. i act out of fear- i do not let my self ‘fall for’ or open up to potential romantic interests because i am afraid of being rejected. but i know, honestly, that it is not me personally that they are rejecting.

i guess that doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t still hurt. whether or not it was purposeful. actually, that is another lesson i am working on in my adult life. allowing myself to feel something like sadness or pain even if i understand completely why the person that sparked those feelings did what they did. so in my crazy brain i know and understand that we can’t help who we like romantically, and therefore do not allow myself to be sad about the fact that someone may not like me back. but it just sucks. ok? this is not a pity party.

opening up is hard and scary. and it sucks to find someone that you want to tell everything. that you want to want to know you. and they do not feel the same way. it hurts. it’s saddening. it makes you question your worth. your direction.
so that’s that. i know it will come to me. and i know the person that comes with that love will want to know everything about me. and will understand, or try, or accept everything that i am. and will be as excited to see me as i am them. and think that i am as smart and funny and cute and enjoyable to be around as well.

but that doesn’t mean that i am not allowed to feel sad, or frustrated, or scared in the mean time… okay?

i know the last page so well 
i can’t read the first 
so i just don’t start 
it’s getting worse

feeling old and behind in the dating game

so. i am 25. which may seem like nothing to many, seeing as many of the people in my life have seen and bid farewell to 25 years ago. but it is weird. twenty five and single. and hopelessly clinging to the idea of ‘the one.’ with no actual prospects, and no idea how to take my own advice about finding the one.

i was never one of those girls that planned out at what age she would get married, or have kids. in fact, whenever i tried to think of anything after college my mind was black. i have no idea in what city i will be married. what my home will look like. what he will look like. where we will raise our children. where we will honeymoon. what our ‘how we met story’ will sound like. or, really anything.

but in my desperation to believe that there will be someone that fits the unimaginable picture i have been noticing some sad (?) behavior on my part. i tend to obsess over these little things about boys that i meet and add these little things to the image in my head of my perfect mate. but these things are oddly normal. and i wonder- why do i place such ’should be expected’ things on a pedestal? why isn’t the image of my perfect mate comprised of huge values and characteristics?

for example. why do get overwhelmed with love and emotion when i see a man wearing a wedding ring. and my first though is “oh, thank god, he believes. he believes in commitment, and relationships, and love.” i mean, fifty percent of people are married. why is THAT my first thought. or meeting a guy who has gone to couples therapy. why is my first though “oh i love that he gets it, and wants to make it work.” or the guy carrying the bouquet of flowers on the train during rush hour. or the guy in a band belting out about the one that broke his heart.  why to i long so deeply for these little silly things. things that one should expect from a partner. at least should believe she deserves.

maybe its because i have dated emotionally unexpressive people. leading me to live breathe and die for any small sign of affection. or maybe because i fall for the unavailable people in my life. or maybe because i am not used to admitting, to myself or anyone else, that i have emotional needs. maybe it is because i haven’t seriously dated anyone in geezus two and a half years. but whatever the reasoning, i can’t even imagine what it is like to date someone who gets it. who lets himself fall. i don’t even know if i remember what it’s like to be in a relationship. and i know that i haven’t really experienced what it is like to be with someone that wants people to know that we are together, and that could not imagine being with anyone other than me. a guy that expresses feelings. HAS feelings. embraces feelings. BELIEVES IN LOVE.

so here i am, at twenty five. feeling SO FAR BEHIND in the dating game. how am i supposed to imagine a life of marriage and babies and love and commitment when i can’t even imagine having a boyfriend. someone who wants to see me as much as i want to see him. and can and will tell me that.

twenty five. in a new city. with a million friends. and no dates. no mutual connections. and no idea how or where to even begin.

would you meet me in the windy city
when i come down from the sky

i feel like i don’t even know what game i’m playing.

are we playing different dating games?

well i guess you left me with some feathers in my hand. did it make it any easier to leave me where i stand? why’d you leave me till i’m only good for… waiting, for you.

it’s all a game. and usually i’m ok with that. but recently, it’s just really been annoying me. i was speaking with a friend the other night. a friend that i have gotten to know because he has had a girlfriend(s) most of the time we have known each other. and therefore, his main focus is not sleeping with me, but just getting to know me. so we had our first analytical talk of the dating game. and his thoughts, though unbelievably clear, haven’t been sitting well.

we discussed the ‘levels’ of the dating game. show interest/connection. create an event that jeopardizes that connection (fully knowing that your ‘connection’ will pull through thus intensifying it) then show vulnerability. and boom. they are hooked. and you can get to know one another, and date. or end it if you so desire.

so i said to my friend ‘but how do you know if they are interested back?’ and he said, well, ‘they just always are.’ and this is where i am hung up. maybe its his confidence (cough cough) that got me thinking. or his assurance that the levels of ‘dating’ are the sure fire way, but it just seems off. like ingenuine, or something. to play that game without ever wondering if they will like you back. at what point does the ‘level’ of making yourself vulnerable become just that? a level, and the vulnerable part becomes only symbolic of actually being vulnerable?

vulnerability. the key to connection. letting your guard down. honestly. it allows you to learn about someone else, learn about yourself. so what does it mean when we start ‘faking’ such an important aspect in life and relationships? it seems as though the dating game then becomes purely sport. a way to make it through the levels for the win. not for the possible connection. and is this bad? or wrong? or naive of me to think that we do all date for connection. not for sport.

i suppose this means a few things. there seems to be a conflict of interests going on with the players of the dating world (and no wonder it keeps getting harder). when i’m in it for connection, and you are showing me vulnerability as a strategy to complete all your levels then we are playing two different games. and based on the nature of those games i would then be the loser. and, uh, that sucks. also, i believe in being vulnerable (apparently so much that i write to the world at large every little thought about my own pathetic dating life). and i think that the only way to grow and learn and do things genuinely is to understand what being vulnerable brings to your life.

so, i’m not sure where i’m going with this. but i feel frustrated that we are taking such an important thing/emotion/state of being thats entire purpose is to be genuine, and faking it to get ahead in a game that others don’t even know about.

so i ask you this. when you are chatting with that girl/guy at the bar, or party, or industry event with a purpose of going home with them ask yourself if a) you are being genuine, and b) they know which game you are playing (and if your vulnerability is just irony.)

all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming.

do not hit on me if you have a significant other.

yes yes no no no yes yes no no no yes yes no no no

you people in relationships… this one is for you.

what the hell? lately it seems like the same thing keeps happening to many of my friends and me. we are wholeheartedly and consciously mislead while playing the dating game. by which i mean… we are flirted with, hit on by, connected to, and often given physical attention by possible suitors. and THEN told that said suitor has a a significant other. wtf.

for a while i had a few thoughts on this. mainly just based on my own experience. i had (?) a tendency to fall, hard, for boys with girlfriends. what would suck is that i would not know they had a girlfriend at the point which an honest connection was being made. recently, i asked some guy friends about this. and we came to a few conclusions. well mine different from theirs :). being the hopeless romantic that i am i  thought, that guys most certainly feel more comfortable being themselves around others when they are in a relationship. much like the safety average guy saviors of the dating world provide to their leading ladies. because no matter who we are, we are, on some level, concerned with what a potential suitor thinks of us. it’s the game. plain and simple. thus, if we are in a relationship we are not concerned with potential suitors’ judgmental thoughts and are therefore able to be who we are and confident in it. this ability to just embrace everything we are opens us up on a different level to connecting with others.  because, obviously, connection can’t happen if you are not being yourself. so i felt as though i was connecting with these boys on a real awesome (mutual!) level, which i was. and then, when there was no physical advancement quickly after, i thought this was an even BETTER sign. it meant that this was a real connection and it would go slowly and i had actually met someone worth getting to know and possibly date. so right, then i find out about their significant other. usually of multiple years. ugh.
when i told my guys friends of my thoughts of having a real connection with boys with girlfriends they thought otherwise. and basically told me i was being silly romantic steph thinking that there was a connection. and that they were probably just being nice to me. screw that. when does a guy do ANYthing he doesn’t want to for the sake of being nice to someone that he is not interested in [sleeping with]?! not often. cause he doesn’t have to. so. i have somewhat moved on from my silly habit of falling hard for guys with significant others. i mean the real ‘falling for’ them. the killing myself to get over them months later ones. because at that age i was thinking that connection was connection and of course i’d rather see the person (even if secretly in love with them) and connect opposed to not see them at all. now, no. i have learned (ha, we’ll see) the value of not putting myself in situations where i know the outcome could be potentially sad. such as connection without it being able to go anywhere (because of things like a girlfriend, or distance, or major value conflicts).

last paragraph- read: i blamed myself for the fact that a connection was made when they had a girlfriend. and now, all you in a relationship, i am taking that back.  it is YOU. not us lonely singles dying to have an honest connection and meet someone special. it is you.

this weekend three friends and i were ALL blatantly mislead by potential suitors who had significant others. therefore, as connection hungry as i may be, there is NO way that this is MY problem. so what gives?

is it a sport? to have a significant other and go out to the bars and still hit on unsuspecting singles and then burn them, all while going home to your honey and laughing about it. is it because you are all into cheating on your significant others? cause… THAT points to a whole nother societal issue that we should address. is it that you miss the attention that you get from flirting with an attractive person at the bar? so you just do it anyways. is it that you are not happy in your relationship and you are exploring your options?

ok. honestly, i unfortunately know that it is all of the above. but you know what. STOP IT. just STOP.

there are rules to this game. and though some people like to break the rules, cheat, and win any way possible… most of us PLAY BY THE RULES. and getting screwed over by you rule breakers is sucky. period.

as much as i am completely happy being single. because it is a conscious choice to NOT get into a relationship that will for some reason lead me to hit on unsuspecting singles in the bar. being single is not easy. it is hard sometimes. and it’s just plain ol’ not fair for you to just dominate and sneak attack us in such a manner. and if for some reason you are hitting on me or one of my friends because you simply have not ever met anyone like us and we are amazing and life changing and you just couldn’t stop yourself. then just think. WE DIDN’T SETTLE. you did. you’re in a relationship that leads you to wander. and we are sticking it out. braving the world of singlehood and dating in hopes of meeting another amazing life changing soul to connect with.

so, i ask all of you in a relationship that have ever hit on someone to boost your ego, have a connection, get some physical attention, make a fool of someone, or whatever other reason you have- just act with positive intent. meaning act in a way that no one as to lose for you to win. a win win situation. for example, i know i’m irresistible and you never though you would ever meet someone like me and just have to have me in your life. and i’m cool with that. why don’t you tell me AND your girlfriend about it and then you know you’re acting with positive intent. or break up with your girlfriend and THEN talk to me- playing the same ‘will she ever go for me take chances on something worth taking chances on and play by the rules, hoping you’ll win’ game that the REST of us singles play by. and if you’re lucky you and i will have a connection that is formed after you are single. and if not. then bummer, try try again. like the rest of us. that is all.

you’ve been called here today,
 i just sigh and cry hooray