the balance between starting fresh and remembering where we came from

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently.

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory.

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience.

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

we get it, you don’t know what you’re doing….

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl.
word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point.
The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate.

and i am really not picking on you boys… well maybe today i kind of am (and am apologizing for the heteronormative perspective of this post). here’s the deal. and i’m not just talking to hipster boys. though i believe that the people i am writing to and about were not necessarily the jocks in high school (because they only made up what, 25% of high school population anyways?!). i live in SF, i have a community of pure tech, art, web 2.0, music and even academic geeks as my friends. and, duh, i’m one of them. so if you do not fit into the above categories then sorry, disregard this post (not really, you need to hear this).
we, as girls, get it. boys are dumb at dating. sorry, but i have heard this more from boys than girls, so i know it is true. you’re shy, you were a dork in high school, you didn’t go to keggers in college, you played (still do) too many video games, you were a late bloomer, your best friend always got the girls, you don’t think you’re attractive, you really think that glasses hide your thoughts, or that they make you look cool and mysterious, you were in a long relationship that never allowed you date around. you were a band geek. you. have. no. idea. what. you. are. doing. WE GET IT.

but where the hell do you think WE learn from? from dealing with all of you dating incompetent boys. more accurately, from TRYING THINGS OUT. and learning from what works and doesn’t work. see, we are forced to have this attitude cause we are girls and girls apparently have this gene in us that makes us love all things relationships. but that’s not really the case. i, personally, am an academic geek that loves communication theory applied to relationships. other girls, they learn about dating from ACTAULLY DOING IT. with you boys. who by no means make it easy on us.

i am not placing full blame of the game on you, but this stuff doesn’t come any more naturally to us than it does to you. we just try. you don’t think that we think ‘having the talk’ is the most awkward thing ever?! we do. but we also know that if WE don’t initiate it, you never will. you don’t think that seeing you at the bar after you have been in our bed the weekend before is awkward? you don’t think that we would like to avoid all contact with you until that awkwardness goes away, too? you don’t think that it is weird that you are our ex’s best friend, or that we work together? sure. we. do. but we man up and plow through the awkwardness of dating cause we like you. and you’re cute. and socially awkward (read: retarded). and clueless on all things dating. and the number one rule of dating (the only rule we seem to know instinctually) is that dating is a game of equaling the playing field of vulnerability at all costs. so, you feel awkward cause you never learned in your thirty years of life how to talk to a girl you think is interesting. we get this, and therefore we make the SECOND move, talk to you, to put OURself out there and therefore we are now both vulnerable. you get it? we automatically give you the first round of vulnerability without actually knowing anything about your dating or cool status past. and if you do make the first move and approach us, therefore making yourself the one in a vulnerable position, i promise you this, we are DYING to level the playing field of vulnerability by putting ourselves back out there, too. this is the natural flow of dating. sharing things, learning things. working through things together.
so, we get it. you have no idea what you are doing. but, neither do we. we just try. and yes, it may make things uber uncomfortable, and we may look like the dumb girls in the process. but at least we are trying. whether or not my lady counterparts are as aggressive as i am in the combatting of awkwardness by walking up to it and shaking its hand or not, we are ALL ready to move past uncomfortable and awkward dating situations.

so can you JOIN us? instead of retreating behind your champagne of beers, thick framed glasses, american apparel hoodies, and guitars, step away from these disguisers of uncertainty and be an active part of the dating game with us. be awkward. and try new things… please?

try yeah, try yeah, hey, hey, hey, try yeah, oh try whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh anybody, oh anybody, oh anybody.

begging and choosing and dating…?

why don’t i just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself.
so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you’re all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality.

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred

the dating game is like a job hunt- exhausting.

tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.
and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

textual romance.

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so i’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?
for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations.

and i mean. i guess this isn’t bad. some people are shy. and texting allows these people to maybe say things they normally wouldn’t to someone’s face or through the phone lines/waves. because they can plan what they want to say they actually say it rather than letting shyness overcome them. it allows people to overcome time zones and scheduling conflicts. and it allows little bits of unexpected communication to come through. but does it allow people to be cowardly when a phone conversation is in fact appropriate? and now a days, with picture texts we don’t even need to verbalize what we are doing to someone, we just need to send a photo. a picture says a thousand words right?

but don’t words, spoken words, still serve a purpose when getting to know someone. isn’t the point of having a vulnerable conversation ‘verbally’ because you are connecting over the mere fact that you are opening up and putting yourself out there as well as the subject you are actually talking about?

so i’m torn on how i feel about texting and dating. in some cases it allows you to get to know someone in a less vulnerable way, encouraging you to open up more with out such consequences. get to know someone that is possible unavailable to see physically, or talk to on the phone. get to know someone when you may have been too shy to otherwise.

but it also allows you to create this fantastical relationship with the person on the other end of texting. because you can script what you want to say. you can wait before replying. you can ask other’s opinions. and to me… this seems dangerously unfortunate. because it’s obvious why texting has become a tried and true method of getting to know someone. there is less rejection. there is less vulnerability. there is more romance. there is more ability to be the person we hope to be (not just reacting to our environment).

and the rules of texting are really unclear. you can say you mistexted something if you feel embarrassed that you said it. you can claim to have never received a text if you want to avoid the subject. you can reply when ever you want, minutes or hours later. or never. and never touch the subject of the unanswered text, because god knows the person looking for an answer is not going to bring it up out of shear embarrassment of no response. smiley faces and exclamation points carry immense amount of weight, and less can be more or a very bad sign.
and i will most certainly not even begin to speak about drunk texting.
so my attempt to analyze the pros and cons of texting in dating has, yet again, turned into a clusterfuck of positive and negative uses of communication technology creating the ever eloquent and romantic catch 22 of information sharing enroute to connection. sigh.

though i may not know the right things to say
i’ll get it out to you one day
i’m shy that way