music and feelings and sunshine and things

so this month i went to sxsw. not my first sxsw, but my first time staying through music. i wasn’t going to, and then i realized that the reason i wasn’t going to was because (unconsciously) i thought that if i wanted to do something so badly, then i probably shouldn’t. i mean, what? what not old, self sufficient, money-making, music loving, fun craving person would rule out all things fun because having that much fun couldn’t be responsible. responsible for who? i have no idea. thank GOD i came to my senses and decided to stay for music (as well as make some pretty big life changes [some yet to come] out of this OMGICANDOWHATEVERIWANTANDIMALLOWEDTOBEHAPPY epiphany)

anyway. it was amazing. probably because i just did what i wanted the whole time. i flew solo a lot of it, because there was music i wanted to hear, and bands i wanted to see, regardless of what anyone wanted to do. forget the drinking, the partying, the spring break shenanigans, the cute boys… ok, wait, don’t forget the cute boys, i was there to just be in sunshine music heaven. and my mission was accomplished. with a lot of cute boys added it.

i came back more obsessed with music than ever. so obviously i had to make a mix to share!

this mix is about 80% bands i saw at sxsw and the rest just damn good new music that i couldn’t not put on here. i’ve included two SF bands that played at our SF Embassy Showcase at sxsw- geographer and the frail because they are great.

there’s a lot of stuff on here that came out today (you’re welcome) and a lot of stuff that didn’t. basically it’s like the greatest mix ever, and if you don’t think so, you’re wrong. ( :) ) most importantly if you like a song/band GO BUY THEIR ALBUM!!

with that, i dedicate this mix, postsxswmusicmania, to all the very wonderful, awkward, cute, shy, sensitive musician boys out there. they remind me everyday that people feel, care, and are cute. and that i’m allowed to swoon. because, i love you all.

postsxswmusicmania (click me! click me!)

(i’m lazy, so yes you get  screen shot of my itunes folder for the track listing)

nablopomo…what? a post a day to get me back into things…

well, it’s november first. now is as good a time as any to start back writing. and i’ve decided that, given the recent events, i am going to try and do the national blog posting month, thing. a post a day, every day for the whole month of november. mostly, i think it will give me that kick start into figuring out what’s next. because that is how i figure things out, i talk about them, or write about them.

i’m currently in new orleans. a city with which i feel and odd closeness. a sense of being at home.

this vacation is exactly what i needed. a revival.

and i’ve got so much running through my head right now that i’m not even sure where to start with this post. but i figure i’ll just start writing and it’ll come out. and if it doesn’t then there is still tomorrow. and the next day.

so, i know you all probably don’t care as much as i do about astrology, but that’s where i’m going to start. you see, for the last two years saturn as been in my sun sign, virgo. what does that mean? well saturn, the planet, is know as the teacher. and your sun sign is who you are, at the core. so saturn being in you sun sign saturn brings challenges and lessons to you as a person. challenges and lessons that are intended to make you grow immensely, and learn about yourself in a way that will stick with you forever. and depending on where your sun is in your chart, your lessons could be even more specific to that area of your life.

so, my sun is in virgo in the seventh house, the house of relationships.

therefore, saturn’s challenges brought to me have been very relationship heavy.

and two days ago, saturn left my sun sign (only to come back for 14 more weeks next spring in retrograde, but i won’t go there).

apparently, this means that things will get easier, in life, in general. so i decided to start by telling saturn that i learned some of the things that i was supposed to learn. many of the posts this month will be along those lines.

so stay tuned…

beggars can’t be choosers, revisited.

so i originally wrote this post back in october.

but have since had enough fuel and fodder to revisit, and revise my thoughts. so here it is.

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but lately i’ve been frustrated with the way others’ have had a tendency to hold me to this ‘philosophy.’

so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why i think the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer  we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it, the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we actually evolved into having this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. anywayyyy- i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and the ‘it’ factor is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny, intelligent, or arousing’ (rather than platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone- ok…the one…to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be choosers’ way. for example-  a while back i was at a big concert  and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. and apparently i “cut a few rugs”- so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my fashion style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t into to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? ….(what?!)….. my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i was actually  fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

and honestly, i no longer let myself ascribe to this mentality. but it seems that the longer i am single and continuing to voice my desire to meet someone, the more others’ feel the need to tell me that i should try ‘this’ or try ‘that’ when i know those things DON’T work for me. but people like to tell you what they think, and what they think you should do. and when what THEY think i should to doesn’t fit with what i know to work for ME, they get a bit of an attitude. as to say, without the words, “well steph, beggars can’t be choosers.”

now don’t get me wrong. if i were sitting at home every friday night in my flower nightgown watching reruns of law and order eating ice cream, then YEA give me a little shit for not trying. but HELL. i am TRYING to meet someone. i am out being social, involving myself in all kinds of new experiences and i haven’t met him. now DON’T jump to another very common phrase dictated to me by people that think they know what i need more than do, “well, steph, there’s your problem. you’re TRYING too hard to meet someone. it always happens when you’re NOT trying. just let it go and have fun.”

and this phrase makes me EQUALLY, or maybe even more mad. because i am not TRYING TOO HARD to meet someone. my being social is not whatsoever done with the sole goal of meeting a boy. but that does NOT mean that i am not allowed to keep it in mind when i do out. because, honestly, i’ve found that i actually NEED to keep it in mind when i’m out or else i get so caught up in hanging with my group of 20+ friends at the bar that i don’t even allow myself the opportunity to meet someone. i know that the girls, and even many of the guys in my group of friends will agree with me on this. when we all go out, there are a lot of us. and a) no one in their right mind that doesn’t know us wouldn’t be intimidated to come up to ONE person in such a big and awesome filled group. and b) we all really like one anothers’ company, so we absolutely do not actively seek out other people to engage with.

so. yea. i DO have to keep it in mind when i’m out and social. i want to meet someone new. i NEED to try a little. because i’m pretty positive that nothing really happens in any area of life if you don’t even TRY.

so, back to beggars can’t be choosers. i’m just frustrated that because i am a  social woman, that is VOCAL about her less than satisfaction with her dating life, that I am the one doing something wrong, and if i’m going to be repeatedly vocal about my dissatisfaction (ie: beg) then i shouldn’t be so picky (ie: choosey).

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly into to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me says i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality

yea.

sometimes, babe, we all have to wait for love.