DEtroit stand up.

honestly i have no words. just pure pure detown love. like whoa.

nablopomo…what? a post a day to get me back into things…

well, it’s november first. now is as good a time as any to start back writing. and i’ve decided that, given the recent events, i am going to try and do the national blog posting month, thing. a post a day, every day for the whole month of november. mostly, i think it will give me that kick start into figuring out what’s next. because that is how i figure things out, i talk about them, or write about them.

i’m currently in new orleans. a city with which i feel and odd closeness. a sense of being at home.

this vacation is exactly what i needed. a revival.

and i’ve got so much running through my head right now that i’m not even sure where to start with this post. but i figure i’ll just start writing and it’ll come out. and if it doesn’t then there is still tomorrow. and the next day.

so, i know you all probably don’t care as much as i do about astrology, but that’s where i’m going to start. you see, for the last two years saturn as been in my sun sign, virgo. what does that mean? well saturn, the planet, is know as the teacher. and your sun sign is who you are, at the core. so saturn being in you sun sign saturn brings challenges and lessons to you as a person. challenges and lessons that are intended to make you grow immensely, and learn about yourself in a way that will stick with you forever. and depending on where your sun is in your chart, your lessons could be even more specific to that area of your life.

so, my sun is in virgo in the seventh house, the house of relationships.

therefore, saturn’s challenges brought to me have been very relationship heavy.

and two days ago, saturn left my sun sign (only to come back for 14 more weeks next spring in retrograde, but i won’t go there).

apparently, this means that things will get easier, in life, in general. so i decided to start by telling saturn that i learned some of the things that i was supposed to learn. many of the posts this month will be along those lines.

so stay tuned…

beggars can’t be choosers, revisited.

so i originally wrote this post back in october.

but have since had enough fuel and fodder to revisit, and revise my thoughts. so here it is.

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but lately i’ve been frustrated with the way others’ have had a tendency to hold me to this ‘philosophy.’

so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why i think the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer  we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it, the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we actually evolved into having this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. anywayyyy- i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and the ‘it’ factor is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny, intelligent, or arousing’ (rather than platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone- ok…the one…to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be choosers’ way. for example-  a while back i was at a big concert  and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. and apparently i “cut a few rugs”- so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my fashion style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t into to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? ….(what?!)….. my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i was actually  fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

and honestly, i no longer let myself ascribe to this mentality. but it seems that the longer i am single and continuing to voice my desire to meet someone, the more others’ feel the need to tell me that i should try ‘this’ or try ‘that’ when i know those things DON’T work for me. but people like to tell you what they think, and what they think you should do. and when what THEY think i should to doesn’t fit with what i know to work for ME, they get a bit of an attitude. as to say, without the words, “well steph, beggars can’t be choosers.”

now don’t get me wrong. if i were sitting at home every friday night in my flower nightgown watching reruns of law and order eating ice cream, then YEA give me a little shit for not trying. but HELL. i am TRYING to meet someone. i am out being social, involving myself in all kinds of new experiences and i haven’t met him. now DON’T jump to another very common phrase dictated to me by people that think they know what i need more than do, “well, steph, there’s your problem. you’re TRYING too hard to meet someone. it always happens when you’re NOT trying. just let it go and have fun.”

and this phrase makes me EQUALLY, or maybe even more mad. because i am not TRYING TOO HARD to meet someone. my being social is not whatsoever done with the sole goal of meeting a boy. but that does NOT mean that i am not allowed to keep it in mind when i do out. because, honestly, i’ve found that i actually NEED to keep it in mind when i’m out or else i get so caught up in hanging with my group of 20+ friends at the bar that i don’t even allow myself the opportunity to meet someone. i know that the girls, and even many of the guys in my group of friends will agree with me on this. when we all go out, there are a lot of us. and a) no one in their right mind that doesn’t know us wouldn’t be intimidated to come up to ONE person in such a big and awesome filled group. and b) we all really like one anothers’ company, so we absolutely do not actively seek out other people to engage with.

so. yea. i DO have to keep it in mind when i’m out and social. i want to meet someone new. i NEED to try a little. because i’m pretty positive that nothing really happens in any area of life if you don’t even TRY.

so, back to beggars can’t be choosers. i’m just frustrated that because i am a  social woman, that is VOCAL about her less than satisfaction with her dating life, that I am the one doing something wrong, and if i’m going to be repeatedly vocal about my dissatisfaction (ie: beg) then i shouldn’t be so picky (ie: choosey).

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly into to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me says i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality

yea.

sometimes, babe, we all have to wait for love.

the misrepresentation of playing it cool

can’t give up acting tough. it’s all that i’m made of. can’t scrape together quite enough, to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that i need love.

after talking with some friends about some recent dating situations i’ve come to a conclusion. one that is slightly frustrating, mostly because i thought i had shed myself of much of the baggage from the ex. but apparently this one has stuck. and i just don’t know really what to do.

so, i think i’ve mentioned that my ex had very very very needy and truly psychologically crazy girlfriends before me. and because of this, he had more than a tendency to react to things that i did like i was one of those crazy exes. after years of dating, he wouldn’t let me keep any clothes or girl products at his house, he assumed there were ulterior motives for all of my questions, and never ever did anything outwardly romantic, because he thought i expected it, therefore he wasn’t going to give it just to spite me. and this went on and on. and i basically told him that he is the crazy one and needs to take a chill pill.

but ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was treating me like i was crazy and needy no matter what my behavior actually was. he had this image in his brain of ‘girlfriend’=needy and when he looked at me, that’s all he saw. the image created in his head. NOT me.

so for a zillion reasons, we broke up. and i’ve analyzed every aspect of our relationship and it’s lasting effects over and over, here in writing, out loud to friends, and in my head. and it’s been three and a half years. and i was pretty positive that i got all that analyzing, growth and understanding out of my system.

until recently.

it has come to my attention, based on the way i’ve acted with the past few guys i’d ’seen’ that a little habit that i would have previously prided myself on may actually be unhealthy, and reek of self sabotage.

apparently, the moment i decide that i’m into someone (romantically, like, more than getting to know if i like you as a person) i say calming and nicely to myself, “play it cool.” which is drilled into me over and over. don’t be desperate. don’t show that you like them too much. and i guess we’ve all heard the message, but forget where it came from, and really, what it’s purpose is.

play it cool so that if he/she decides that they don’t like you in return you don’t look dumb.

so here it is, a HUGE disconnect in what i preach (vulnerability at all times) and what i practice (defenses up). a disconnect of which i was honestly very UNAWARE. and there it is, the stain of my last relationship, coming through my fresh and laundered self. apparently (says accounts from my friends) i do and say things (in my conscious ‘play it cool’ attempts) that come off as not only playing it cool, but completely disinterested.

so here i am, at the beginning of any such swooning, deciding that this boy is one i’d like to get to know better, romantically, and i make the conscious decision not to throw myself at him. and in that decision i, in fact, act completely uninterested thinking that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing- acting NOT needy or crazy.

because that is what was drilled into me over and over and over throughout every interaction with my ex. don’t act needy. don’t act overly into anything. don’t be emotional. don’t show interest.

and it is so funny. because i know and say that openness and connection and emotions are real and allowed and NECESSARY in relationships. but i totally put up a wall and DON’T do those things because, when it comes down to it, i’m afraid they won’t like me back.

f*ck. i am that person. the jaded girl or boy who has forgotten the benefit of vulnerability and how good it feels when it IS right. and i’ve let my desire to no longer feel hurt or rejected over shine my desire for honest and real connection. all UNCONSCIOUSLY.

i guess i just don’t know the middle ground. i don’t know where the line between interested and desperate really is. because my benchmark of desperate is all out of whack from the ex.

and i don’t really know where to go from here. i’m feeling pretty unsettled with all of this. my muscle memory was trained that all things interested=desperate. and i don’t know how to change that, because i honestly don’t really KNOW the difference between interested and desperate.

so i play it cool. way. too. cool.

and continue to be single.

did someone make a fool of me, before i could show em how it’s done.