friends, and their dates

clearly we like our friends. we like them for being who they are. that’s what friendship is. appreciating our friends for everything they are, positives, areas of opportunity (hello corporate america) differences from ourselves and everything in between. this is why our friends usually last though the roller coaster ride that is the twenty/thirty something dating life. we look to them to give their rational opinion of the people we date, and often really listen to what they have to say. and if we are lucky, the people we date, become friends of our friends. they fit in, and our protectors accept them and life is good.

but before we get to the point where a significant other makes it through to ‘friend’ status, we usually put our core group through quite a bit of shenanigans with all the people we date. and i wonder, do we expect too much of our friends and their support and effort through OUR navigation of the dating process? well, ok, i expect a lot of my friends in general. so maybe i’ll rephrase. why is it that we are so quick to put our friends- our support system- in unfair, confusing and difficult positions while we are dating?

let me explain. we start seeing someone, and usually we see them one on one for a while (while we get to know each other) and then comes the friend introduction. this is usually a very important step in the dating game. we introduce this person to our friends for a multitude of reasons. 1. we are excited about this new suitor and want our friends to know the person that we think is so great. 2. we want our friends’ opinions- because, honestly, they do a much better job of staying rational about judgement on who is good for us and who is not once we get emotionally involved with a datee. 3. we want our datee to know our friends (our support system, our family) because our friends DO mean so much to us, and we love them for all they are. 4. but ultimately, we want our friends to make our datee feel as loved, welcomed, awesome, and supported as they make us feel.

and that is a lot to ask of our friends. friendships are hard. sometimes even more so than romantic relationships. they take energy and effort and emotional work. so to ask our friends to just accept a new friend into the group because we ’said so’ (in our emotionally and ‘carnally’ influenced state) is a large request. and often, because our friends want us to be happy, they oblige. and usually, the beginning of this friendship with the datee is not easy. it takes work. effort to get to know the datee, what their interests are, what their background is, etc. basically, the friends must play the dating game on a non romantic level to get to know everything there is to know about this new person. (and we all know how HARD dating is with someone we are ROMANTICALLY interested in)

so, as friends, we put in all this work and effort because we love our friend. and they deserve to be happy. and we want to do anything we can to increase their chances of being happy (read: entertaining the revolving door of datees that comes through). and during this process we usually don’t get to see our friend without the datee, cause that is how the early stages of dating are. and we go with this because we would rather see our friend than not, even if it means that we have to see their datee too, and put in work and effort.

so here comes the unfair part. we expect our friends to put in all this effort to get to know, and hang out with the people we are dating. and then we break up, or change how we feel about the datee, and expect our friends to just break up with them too. and this is understandable, at certain levels. but, obviously, this gets really tricky when the datee is around for any particular amount of time. because we get used to having them around. we have put in the effort to create a friendship, and then are expected to just ditch all the efforts because the emotional/carnal needs/desires/feelings of our beloved friend have changed.

it just seems like a lot. and i feel like it is unfair. now, don’t get me wrong. i have no IDEA how this could go any differently. and i love my friends, and usually have no terrible judgement on who they date (and if i do, its rational and i tell them), but stepping back and looking at the situation rationally gives me this weird ‘oh my gosh why is it like this’ feeling.

dating is hard. friendships are hard. because anything worth anything takes effort. but it seems like we expect our friends put SO much effort into OUR dating lives- all while they are trying to navigate through their own dating lives. and i mean. they do this to us too. but, i just feel like there has to be an easier way! why all this effort?!

i guess it all comes down to the fact that we love the people in our lives, and because of the nature of love, we put them through hell, and expect them to do the same. what is WITH our crazy human brains?!

i remember back then thinking: easy comes but doesn’t stay, what comes easy never stays

are we playing different dating games?

well i guess you left me with some feathers in my hand. did it make it any easier to leave me where i stand? why’d you leave me till i’m only good for… waiting, for you.

it’s all a game. and usually i’m ok with that. but recently, it’s just really been annoying me. i was speaking with a friend the other night. a friend that i have gotten to know because he has had a girlfriend(s) most of the time we have known each other. and therefore, his main focus is not sleeping with me, but just getting to know me. so we had our first analytical talk of the dating game. and his thoughts, though unbelievably clear, haven’t been sitting well.

we discussed the ‘levels’ of the dating game. show interest/connection. create an event that jeopardizes that connection (fully knowing that your ‘connection’ will pull through thus intensifying it) then show vulnerability. and boom. they are hooked. and you can get to know one another, and date. or end it if you so desire.

so i said to my friend ‘but how do you know if they are interested back?’ and he said, well, ‘they just always are.’ and this is where i am hung up. maybe its his confidence (cough cough) that got me thinking. or his assurance that the levels of ‘dating’ are the sure fire way, but it just seems off. like ingenuine, or something. to play that game without ever wondering if they will like you back. at what point does the ‘level’ of making yourself vulnerable become just that? a level, and the vulnerable part becomes only symbolic of actually being vulnerable?

vulnerability. the key to connection. letting your guard down. honestly. it allows you to learn about someone else, learn about yourself. so what does it mean when we start ‘faking’ such an important aspect in life and relationships? it seems as though the dating game then becomes purely sport. a way to make it through the levels for the win. not for the possible connection. and is this bad? or wrong? or naive of me to think that we do all date for connection. not for sport.

i suppose this means a few things. there seems to be a conflict of interests going on with the players of the dating world (and no wonder it keeps getting harder). when i’m in it for connection, and you are showing me vulnerability as a strategy to complete all your levels then we are playing two different games. and based on the nature of those games i would then be the loser. and, uh, that sucks. also, i believe in being vulnerable (apparently so much that i write to the world at large every little thought about my own pathetic dating life). and i think that the only way to grow and learn and do things genuinely is to understand what being vulnerable brings to your life.

so, i’m not sure where i’m going with this. but i feel frustrated that we are taking such an important thing/emotion/state of being thats entire purpose is to be genuine, and faking it to get ahead in a game that others don’t even know about.

so i ask you this. when you are chatting with that girl/guy at the bar, or party, or industry event with a purpose of going home with them ask yourself if a) you are being genuine, and b) they know which game you are playing (and if your vulnerability is just irony.)

all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming.

do not hit on me if you have a significant other.

yes yes no no no yes yes no no no yes yes no no no

you people in relationships… this one is for you.

what the hell? lately it seems like the same thing keeps happening to many of my friends and me. we are wholeheartedly and consciously mislead while playing the dating game. by which i mean… we are flirted with, hit on by, connected to, and often given physical attention by possible suitors. and THEN told that said suitor has a a significant other. wtf.

for a while i had a few thoughts on this. mainly just based on my own experience. i had (?) a tendency to fall, hard, for boys with girlfriends. what would suck is that i would not know they had a girlfriend at the point which an honest connection was being made. recently, i asked some guy friends about this. and we came to a few conclusions. well mine different from theirs :). being the hopeless romantic that i am i  thought, that guys most certainly feel more comfortable being themselves around others when they are in a relationship. much like the safety average guy saviors of the dating world provide to their leading ladies. because no matter who we are, we are, on some level, concerned with what a potential suitor thinks of us. it’s the game. plain and simple. thus, if we are in a relationship we are not concerned with potential suitors’ judgmental thoughts and are therefore able to be who we are and confident in it. this ability to just embrace everything we are opens us up on a different level to connecting with others.  because, obviously, connection can’t happen if you are not being yourself. so i felt as though i was connecting with these boys on a real awesome (mutual!) level, which i was. and then, when there was no physical advancement quickly after, i thought this was an even BETTER sign. it meant that this was a real connection and it would go slowly and i had actually met someone worth getting to know and possibly date. so right, then i find out about their significant other. usually of multiple years. ugh.
when i told my guys friends of my thoughts of having a real connection with boys with girlfriends they thought otherwise. and basically told me i was being silly romantic steph thinking that there was a connection. and that they were probably just being nice to me. screw that. when does a guy do ANYthing he doesn’t want to for the sake of being nice to someone that he is not interested in [sleeping with]?! not often. cause he doesn’t have to. so. i have somewhat moved on from my silly habit of falling hard for guys with significant others. i mean the real ‘falling for’ them. the killing myself to get over them months later ones. because at that age i was thinking that connection was connection and of course i’d rather see the person (even if secretly in love with them) and connect opposed to not see them at all. now, no. i have learned (ha, we’ll see) the value of not putting myself in situations where i know the outcome could be potentially sad. such as connection without it being able to go anywhere (because of things like a girlfriend, or distance, or major value conflicts).

last paragraph- read: i blamed myself for the fact that a connection was made when they had a girlfriend. and now, all you in a relationship, i am taking that back.  it is YOU. not us lonely singles dying to have an honest connection and meet someone special. it is you.

this weekend three friends and i were ALL blatantly mislead by potential suitors who had significant others. therefore, as connection hungry as i may be, there is NO way that this is MY problem. so what gives?

is it a sport? to have a significant other and go out to the bars and still hit on unsuspecting singles and then burn them, all while going home to your honey and laughing about it. is it because you are all into cheating on your significant others? cause… THAT points to a whole nother societal issue that we should address. is it that you miss the attention that you get from flirting with an attractive person at the bar? so you just do it anyways. is it that you are not happy in your relationship and you are exploring your options?

ok. honestly, i unfortunately know that it is all of the above. but you know what. STOP IT. just STOP.

there are rules to this game. and though some people like to break the rules, cheat, and win any way possible… most of us PLAY BY THE RULES. and getting screwed over by you rule breakers is sucky. period.

as much as i am completely happy being single. because it is a conscious choice to NOT get into a relationship that will for some reason lead me to hit on unsuspecting singles in the bar. being single is not easy. it is hard sometimes. and it’s just plain ol’ not fair for you to just dominate and sneak attack us in such a manner. and if for some reason you are hitting on me or one of my friends because you simply have not ever met anyone like us and we are amazing and life changing and you just couldn’t stop yourself. then just think. WE DIDN’T SETTLE. you did. you’re in a relationship that leads you to wander. and we are sticking it out. braving the world of singlehood and dating in hopes of meeting another amazing life changing soul to connect with.

so, i ask all of you in a relationship that have ever hit on someone to boost your ego, have a connection, get some physical attention, make a fool of someone, or whatever other reason you have- just act with positive intent. meaning act in a way that no one as to lose for you to win. a win win situation. for example, i know i’m irresistible and you never though you would ever meet someone like me and just have to have me in your life. and i’m cool with that. why don’t you tell me AND your girlfriend about it and then you know you’re acting with positive intent. or break up with your girlfriend and THEN talk to me- playing the same ‘will she ever go for me take chances on something worth taking chances on and play by the rules, hoping you’ll win’ game that the REST of us singles play by. and if you’re lucky you and i will have a connection that is formed after you are single. and if not. then bummer, try try again. like the rest of us. that is all.

you’ve been called here today,
 i just sigh and cry hooray

don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

it feels like love love love, and it feels like touch touch touch

so the macking game is interesting. and completely different for men and women, boy and girls. and apparently i have no game. in the literal and metaphorical way. because almost two weeks ago i decided that, just for sport, i would consciously get my mack on, if you will. i decided to get back into the game just to see how it goes. and to have fun, and get some attention and you know… be flirty. cause it’s fun. so i thought.

the concept is fun, until i realized that i apparently have no game. i never thought it something i needed. i talk and laugh, a lot, and loudly. and that is usually enough to get some flirtations going (and equals zero effort because its, uhhh just who i am). but a few times recently i have set out with my boys on a quest of getting my mack on. to see if i could. and my boys mack their shit. and i go home in a cab alone. (which is fine by me, don’t think i’d want my mackee to be in the cab with me anyway)

the point. instead of a full on mack session, it seems like i often just become the awkward third (or fifth) wheel in the situation. and im not sure why. well, i have some thoughts.

a) the LACK of interesting and attractive mackees. cute boys where ARE you? (besides behind the counter of my favorite ice cream shop). it seems that my boys usually find at least one mack worthy lady every time they try. i on the other hand, have not found a cute conscious flirt worthy boy. i suppose this could be for a few different reasons: i would like to meet someone to have a real connection with. so even though i am playing the game of mack as purely sport my mind cannot separate its normal flirt/crush/like worthy qualifications from the apparent low standards i must need to simply get my swerve on. also, maybe i’m hanging at the wrong mackppropriate venues. however, i believe a bar is the MOST mackppropriate place possible. hmp.

b) i am always hanging with boys when i try to get my mack on. maybe other boys don’t want to talk to the girl surrounded by other guys. but what sucks about THIS is that my presence exponentially increases the ‘game’ of my boys. sorry loves, its true. i am the trust factor. i am there to bond with the girl, and to let her express her ‘i don’t normally do this’ thoughts, and assure her that my boys are different, they are good guys (which they are). so while i am being passed over as the girl hanging with dudes, my dudes are macking hard. and successfully.

c)maybe i’m just not able to play the game when i’m not really in it to win it. i mean who really wants to be making out at the bar, or in the alley, or in the cab? or wake up wondering if there actually was something, or was it just physical. unfortuantely i say this with less umph that i should because sometimes the attention one gets from a mackee is just what one wants, needs, and enjoys.

and hell. maybe a mackee meeting would lead to a date. which i am apparently also ready to try on for size. ugh. this week dating just seems so… annoying.

what did i say? what did i say? ohh i didn’t mean it. what did i do? what did i do? ohh i didn’t mean it.

asking for a girl’s number

you’re chatting me, like we connect but I don’t even know if we’re still friends
It’s so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do the things that I know I should do
But i trip up and then i lose and i hate looking like a fool

wow. feel like some crazy person the way my thoughts about myself and dating seem to fluctuate lately. i think generally this is where i stand: i am in no hurry to jump into a relationship (hello 2.5 year break since my last), i am, however, open to meeting someone to get to know, i do need to take whatever it is with that someone slowly, i am not into this whole hook up culture, and like the giggly stuff… but THAT being said, i have a bone to pick.

ok, this maybe is just a rant, so if you’re not into hearing curly redheads bitch, then maybe wait for the next post. but here is the thing. what does it take for a guy to ask for a girls number? it seems i have friends that get girls numbers all the time (and they call, usually, i’m not just talking sport). and because most girls are not like me, they had to ASK for those numbers.

so my question, to you straight boys- what makes a girl worth asking for her number?!
is it purely physical?
is it good conversation?
is it when you know she’ll give you it (ego boost)?
is it cause you want to get to know her?
is when she asks for yours?

and a few more questions… do you really think that a girl who gives you her number may be the one (i swear there is no judgement in that question, i just want to know)? is there a type of girl that you usually ask? do you ask girls for their numbers often?

and ultimately, what the hell is it about me that makes you all NEVER ask? ok. this is not a pity party, i promise. but “just because i don’t want to go to the prom doesn’t mean i don’t want to be asked!” i know this is probably a cranky wednesday feel bad about myself moment but, what gives?

i was talking to a friend about the concept of ‘macking’ and just going out on the weekend to meet people. and sure, maybe i’m outta line to say that i want to go out and get my ’swerve’ on without anything actually coming of it, but i just said it. so we’ll move on. in said conversation i could not actually remember the last time a gentleman caller asked for my digits. so what IS it?!

in case you have not figured it out I AM ASKING FOR A RESPONSE TO THIS. this is not a rhetorical question.

so to recap boys- what is it about a girl that makes you want to/or not want to ask her for her number?

and remember, i’m being crazy superficial non meaningful relationship steph right now, because honestly self esteem comes from lots of places, and what other people think is most certainly one of them. (and i don’t need “oh don’t worry steph you don’t want of those guys, its ok they are just intimidated, you’re not going to meet the one for you in a bar” answers. i know this. remember i’m a smart cookie. just play the game how i asked you to, kay?)

I’m not in love
I just wanna be touched
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss