there’s something fascinating, and endlessly entertaining about getting to know yourself. and then accepting yourself for everything you are.

and i encourage every single person i’ve ever met to do it. understand who you are. why you are. what you are. get rid of what was given to by others. and fill it in with who you want to be.

this entire process will take approximately… your lifetime. but in reality, the fun starts a few years in.

it’s crazy what knowing yourself, and liking all those teeny things that make up who you are will do for your ability to connect with people.

lately, i feel connected. in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me, or scare me. or lead me on. it simply feels, well, simple. we’re all human. we’re all different. we all have intricate, messy, complicated glorious stories of what got us here. right here. and those stories are no one else’s but ours. how exciting is THAT?! yea, i know, you’re thinking the SF heatwave has gone to my head, but no. it hasn’t.

recently, i read two articles (whoa, i’m just realizing that they were both from paste magazine) that really affected me. one was about a well known celebrity (of whom i’ve had a crush on since i was 11) and another a musician. both men. both amazingly, unbashedfully, and wholeheartedly affected by the human condition. by words. by connection. by people. by their stories.

so if you know me, you’ll know that i have a propensity to crush, hard, on certain artist types. some of whom happen to be well known (celebrity). but the fact that i’m so affected by these strangers spirals me into weird and crazy ‘i don’t know you, this is unhealthy’ land. so i have to seriously avoid reading about, or listening to these boys.

and the only way i can explain my craziness to others, explain my crush, my longing for connection with these boys- they get it. they get what it’s like to connect.

maybe it’s the rediscovery of my feelings, and allowing my self to love them, or something, but i just get overwhelmingly excited and hopeful when i see evidence that someone else gets it. like i do. that we’re all in this together.

and where does this leave me right now? basically, that i don’t need to explain it any more.

that i am in love with connection. that i love nothing more than to get to know someone. to connect with someone. through conversation. through music. through sharing. through being. through asking.

other things about me that just are. and i’m ok with them, because they make up who i am:
when i hear a song i love, i play it on repeat. for as long as necessary.
apples and cheese is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable dinner
i am really much worse than i thought at doing dishes, i hate them
and laundry.
when i’m channeling patience, tact and appropriateness in conversation i take short quick breaths.
i maybe like cuddling more than i thought.
i’m obsessed with words.
i’m very deliberate with them.
i have faith in the process. even if i’m not sure what process it is.
i laugh loudly.
my hair will always be… everywhere.
my coffee table cluttered.
i need to talk through things to figure them out.
i love listening to friends, and friends that listen to me.
i will never, ever, be able to quit ice cream.
and i like boys. and it can be that simple.

so for a while, i’ll focus on connecting with people that get it. maybe one of them will be romantic. maybe not. maybe it won’t matter.

there’s a song at the heart of it all and we all try hard
just to write it down but you can’t write it down

ezra furman and the harpoons. the world is alive.

on tuesday, june third (according to gmail) i started making some notes for a post that i wanted to write. a list, really, it was going be about all the things that i really like about boys. or, i like boys that do/have/are these things.

and last week, i read [Redacted] Guy’s “Ten Things Women Do That Men Love” and i suddenly remembered that i was writing a similar post!

in honor of swoon, dating, connection, and smiles i’ve decided to tell you all the things we (well, i) love about you, boys.

*when you dress up.
i know you hate it, and this is one of those times where you really probably do have it worse than us, but you look great. sexy. really sexy. not that i don’t love you in your favorite tee-shit from college with all its holes that permanently smells of you no matter how many times you wash it. i like that too. there is just something that is incredibly attractive, sexy, and comforting about a guy in a suit and tie. maybe it reveals my secret love for certain old school acts of gentlemanhood. but you seem more confident, formal and in control when you’re dressed up (don’t tell my feminist self i said any of this!). like you could saunter calmly past the antagonist at a high brow cocktail party, handsome attire covering your strategic mind racing intelligence, as you conceive a plan to guarantee my safe departure of said party pre-bomb deployment. that kind of control. girls like the bad-boys, but what we like even more? someone that can fight like the bad boys while functioning perfectly in normal society. just know, when you’re worried about sweating your face off at that outdoor wedding in the 95 degree heat, and i’m complaining of how my sundress still isn’t cool enough attire, i’m secretly adoring you and your manhood.

*your beard or 5′oclock shadow
ok so i know everyone isn’t animalistically attracted to big burly facial hair, like i am, but every girl i know can appreciate the slightly disheveled, this is one thing i don’t have control over, face of a man a day or two past shaving. besides loving beards in general, i really love the day or two past the last shave face. it’s one thing to make a conscious choice to not shaves for days, weeks, and months (thereby growing a beard), but there’s something endearing and softening about watching the guy that does maintain a clean shave look see how long he can go before he has to give in. sunday mornings are usually the best for this look. you’re two days into growth, but it’s still the weekend, and for godsake you won’t shave until you have to! i guess what i’m trying to say is, no matter how much a girl may love a clean cut clean shaven guy, it’s the five o’clock on sunday shadow that brings a smile to my face as it reminds me of the very  lovely differences between men and women. it softens your edge.

*the chivalrous things you do that are so subtle we probably don’t even notice.
many of the guys i know are good guys. the kind of guys whose dads taught them how to be gentlemen. and as a woman, who wasn’t taught those things, i probably don’t even know about half of them. but once and a while, a guy friend, or someone i’m dating will do one of the way more subtle (many women probably don’t notice) gentleman acts, without being recognized, or even acknowledged and it warms my heart. these aren’t the ‘go out of your way to open a car door,’ ‘pay for dinner,’ quick win gentleman moves. they are acts that some girls may never even be aware are happening. it’s like you pass the “is he a great guy even when no one is looking test” test without me even realizing you were being tested. my favorite one of these, and a guy i dated was so good at doing this i didn’t even realize that he did it every single time we were together for a few months in,  is walking on the outside of the sidewalk.  or waiting until i get inside my house before you drive away (guys- i, as a female driver, even do this. please, if you don’t already, make this a habit). these little acts are so great at reminding me that there is so much going on up there that i don’t know about. and that you care.

*when you sing along with a favorite song in the car
music is one of those great things that’s not discriminatory of who it affects. we all have that song that brings us back to the best summer of our life, or reminds us of our first crush, or gives us hope, or makes us smile and sing along. and when those songs come on in the car, or in a public place, and you sing along silently or audibly, it makes me smile. music is meant to be an emotional, feelingful experience, and i love watching guys enjoy it.

*when you kill the spider without asking me if i’m serious, telling me i’m a wimp, saying no, or making fun of me before you do it.
i’m a pretty independent, self sufficient gal if i do say so myself. i live alone, and have for almost seven years, so of course i’ve killed my share of creepy crawlies. but you know what’s great about having a boy around when then next CC presents itself? it’s one less that i have to kill. honestly, the crunch of the bug just gets me, ok? and when i can calmly (i mean it, no arms flailing as i stand atop the kitchen counter) ask you to take care of it and you just grab a tissue and do the deed, i love you. that’s it.

*your weird thing for sneakers
i don’t know what it is, but i know a lot of boys with a passion for sneakers. and i think it’s adorable (in a not condescending way, i swear!). i love that you pick up a pair of tennies that looks almost identical to the pair you are wearing and the pair you bought last week, and you are smitten. i love how you decided which of your collection goes with your outfit. and how you ‘tie,’knot,’ or ‘tuck’ your laces. i love that you have dressier kicks for a night out, as well as your go to standbys. i love that you scour for and covet the newest styles or colors. and i love that you have had, want, or currently sport a pair of jordans (again, giving me a glimpse of a world so different than mine).

*when you find my ability to be always right endearing
self explanatory, no?

*when you smile, like really smile, in pictures
i know it’s cheesy (get it? eh? eh?), but you look good when you smile. smiles are happy. and happy people make other people happy. and capturing it on film is a way to spread and preserve happiness. and i love your smile. yes yours. because it’s great. because all smiles are great. so share it. smile in photos. let me know that you’re happy. life is good.

we probably don’t tell you enough boys, the things we love about you. this is definitely a personal list, unendorsed by other females, so don’t hold them to or against anything said here. it’s just my way of thanking you for being so darned cute. when you’re not dating anyone you don’t necessarily have anyone to aim these little acknowledgments at (without it getting weird) but that doesn’t mean you all shouldn’t know.

you’re cute, boys. and i like you. thanks for just a few of the reasons why. xoxo

a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs… a moment, a love
temper trap. sweet disposition

so instead of responding to his ten types of chicks- i’ll just go ahead and compile my own list. the top 10 types of boys you don’t want to date”

in no particular order, here we go.

1.the musician. listen ladies, unless he’s already on tour, and making enough money to afford showers while touring (a hotel room or the like) then he’s just a boy with a pipe dream. you think now that his band playing shows at your fav local venues is cute and exciting, but in three years, when you’ve smelled 75 too many nasty dive bar bathrooms, smoked 242 cartons of cigarettes via second hand smoke, and watched his buddy/band mate pick up 119 different college girls you’ll wish that you wouldn’t've wasted your every thrusday friday saturday monday tuesday and wednesday following his going nowhere hobby instead of living your own life.

2.the financial analyst. first of all, this guy never puts down his blackberry. he can’t honestly believe that some people have the audacity to leave the office before 8pm, and thinks that real businessmen can’t function with a phone that starts with an i. he’s always late for midweek dinner dates, and makes you feel like nothing is as important as the deal he’s closing on that tuesday night. every tuesday night. ’nuff said.

3.the guy with bangs longer than yours. ok, we all know that justin bieber is a preteen sensation that will pass. let’s think back to other teen idols that inspired hair trends that we can clearly call mistakes- joey lawrence, the hanson bros (ok, i was totally in love with that hair, but what did i know?), zack morris.  got it? if his bangs are longer than yours, he has to flip his head nine times to be able to see, and god forbid FLAT IRONS HIS BANGS- run. just run.

4.the frat boy. ok, we’ve all be to college, college parties, or a jersey shore pub crawl. beer pong was fun when we could use our age as a reason to be stupid enough to admit drinking for no other reason than getting completely obliterated. leaving the marina at 2 am to go play beer pong is never a good idea. (learn this one from my mistake, please)

5.the unemployed. yes, i know the status of our economy. and yes i know that trying to find a job is crazy difficult right now. but i don’t need to be supporting you. and i know that you think i’m groovy, and want to hang out other places than the couch watching movies. but those other places cost money. not to mention the weird uncalled for insecurity you get when i pay because you resent not only my paying job, but my managerial status and adult income bracket. sorry boys. i don’t do well with projected resentment.

6.the wanderlust.  we all love those days where we leave the house in the morning and go where the wind takes us- usually including dolores park, a liquor store, zeitgeist, a shared bathroom stall, the grocery store frozen food isle, and possibly a strangers bedroom. and those days create fond memories. but we wake up and go back to normal life. if this sounds like normal life then we need not talk. see number 5.

7.the heartbroken. nothing is worse than coaching your date through his heartbreak from another girl. boys if you are not ready to date, then DON’T DATE. it’s hard enough for me to keep my confidence after years of failed dates, but when you ask me out, and then three neat whiskeys in you confess that you still love her, and would do anything to have her back, i have no other option but to pity you, and invalidate my own feelings of frustration. enough boys, move on. she did.

8.the ‘avoid the DTR at all costs’ guy. dudes, there is a point where we MUST Define the Relationship. i know this is SF, and peter pan syndrome runs as rampant as new start-ups. but guess what? when we are seeing each other for three months it is NOT unreasonable to want to know where we stand. because believe it or not, we’re not all waiting with baited breathe for you to commit to us. in fact, most of the time, if you’re not looking for what we are, we want out. but we need to know what you’re looking for to make that call. have relationships already. get over yourself and what you think are your options.

9.the guy that is still friends with the same group of friends he had in high school. listen, i know you’ve been through a lot together, but going out with a group of people and hearing stories from 12 years ago gets old. and no girl wants to feel like she’s got to compete with that history to simply be able to join the conversation. we all have friends that we’ve known since high school. but there are A TON of other people in this world that DIDN’T happen to live within 19 mile radius of where our parents bought a house. and some of them are awesome. so open your eyes.

10.and last but not least the guy that knows everything about you because he’s been following you on twitter, tumblr, friendfeed, and flickr for a year. hey guy, relationships are about SHARING. not consuming. when you already know, or think you know, everything about me that means the relationship is over. there is nothing else to discuss. so try not to stalk me online if you actually want to date me. and try asking me about ME. and maybe i’ll ask you about you. and we’ll create a RELATIONSHIP.

i wish these didn’t come to me so easily. but, well, they did. they all just happened to be in my brain. i wonder why.

now of course we know that there are exaggerations. and most importantly, i have compassion for you if you happen to be one, or any combination of the above guys. i just don’t recommend dating you. and i think it’s clear why.

people often ask me why i’m qualified to give advice about dating and relationships, especially being single, (besides my BA and MA in interpersonal communication, and getting paid for specializing in adult education and coaching in corporate america) i usually respond that i don’t think of it as advice. i like to think of it as giving perspective. and coaching.

and then, only THEN, do i answer the “what advice would you give…” question. and it usually starts out exactly the same way.

it’s not about them. it’s not about what they think, feel, believe, want, need. it’s about you. it’s about what you want. and think. and feel. and need. it’s about figuring out those things first and foremost. but most people don’t want to start there. or know to start there. it’s easier to focus on the other. what he or she does, or doesn’t do. feels or doesn’t feel.

but you know what? the only things we can EVER really know for sure are things about ourselves. we think we know what they want, think, feel, believe… and even more inaccurately, we think we know WHY they want, think, feel and believe the things they do. but guess what. we don’t know for sure. in fact, we’re probably wrong most of the time.

for this sole reason, my advice to people is always always always begin with yourself. what are you feeling? why are you feeling it? where does this lead? because a) it’s the closest thing to the truth that we’ll know, and b) it actually EMPOWERS you to do something about the answers if you don’t like them. because they are about you. and YOU have the ability to change you!

people say that before you can love someone else you must love yourself. they also say that you should be single for X amount of time to really get to know, and understand yourself before you’re ready to be in a relationship. all of this stems from the exact same thing. we can only really know ourselves. but once we’re in a relationship we have this completely erroneous idea that we know what our parter thinks, feels, wants, and needs. and even worse, we either change those things about ourself to align with theirs, or we try and get them to change to align with us. and if this isn’t enough fun for you … it’s usually done unconsciously!! (wahoo!)

i was talking with a friend yesterday about my post on knowing your non negotiables. know how you feel, what you want, what you need and believe. and know which of those are not negotiable. will not change. should not change. cannot change. because they make up who you are. who you are proud to be.

to know your non negotiables, you must first find out everything about yourself. ok, maybe not everything. but a lot of stuff. and guess what. figuring out all that shit takes time. time with self. time with others. time processing. time focused.

but who has time for all of that?? not many. you’re right. which is why there are so many people unhappy in relationships. not really knowing what to do. because they’re focused on the relationship, or their other. not themselves. so guess what? they have no power. because they don’t control the other. they only have control over themselves. but they don’t know what they want. because they never figured it out before they were in a relationship. because that took too much time.

the tricky thing about knowing what you want and need- there’s no excuse not to get/have it. or find it. or demand it. it instantly holds you accountable for your own happiness (the ultimate reason no one wants to take the time; we hate being accountable for anything. our culture fosters a bunch of wishy washy finger pointers with intense commitment issues.)

so here i am. knowing that something needs to be done to get me back to my place of need/want/deserve in a certain relationship in my life. avoiding the hell out of doing exactly that something.

for a zillion different reasons, making sure that what is happening in this relationship and what needs to be happening for me is ridiculously difficult. because doing what needs to be done is in fact combating and overcoming a multitude of relational schemas that i’ve been working through for years.

and now that the issue is no longer an emotional one, and i’ve passed the period of saying what needs to be said because i’m reacting to an emotionally charged issue… it seems way easier to just put off doing it. saying it.

but guess who is the ONLY person affected if i don’t. me. so why the hell do i want to cop out… on myself!?!

cause it’s easier. but nothing will change if i don’t do what i need. i will continue to not get what i need. and continue to be unsatisfied.

so. ok. i’m taking control of my happiness in the relationship. and am going to have the conversation that i’m sure he doesn’t want to have (or even know is coming), and am positive that i want to have even less than he.

and i’ll be stronger after it. i will… i will… i willllll…

like honesty’s annoying most of the time, it’s better entertainment if you keep on lying.
born ruffians. retard canard. say it.

recently i switched mobile phone carriers. it was a stressful transition. and took coaching from many. being with a cell phone company for 7 years is like an intense relationships that you have to break off in stages. it’s like it started out all sunshine and roses with a cute little blue rubber flip phone. and service for miles and miles. and family plans. and free mobile to mobile calls to long distance BFs. and then one of you move across the country and the other one is punishing you for getting new friends and wanting to talk to them on the phone. and actually be able to make AND receive calls in your *gasp* home. and the other one just keeps teasing you with the memory of the good times. and cheap “loyalty- unlimited rates.” manipulating you into thinking that you could never afford unlimited everything from another carrier.

well, i made the switch. and it’s been a month. and it’s been fine. great even. except for today. because today i remembered 139 minutes too late that i no longer have an unlimited talk plan. because, in fact, i couldn’t really afford it. and i used so few on my old carrier that i figured all would be fine. oh right, i used so little because i didn’t have SERVICE IN MY HOUSE. which meant that I COULDN’T TALK ON MY PHONE TO USE THOSE MINUTES.

i digress. today was one of those twilightzone days. where for the majority of the day, i actually felt like i was living my life outside myself. and watching what was actually happening thinking… wait… is this happening? aren’t i supposed to be thinking that this is weird? but then continue anyway.

you see, today i talked on the phone with TWO, count em, TWO friends that i had NEVER before talked with on the phone. one of the conversations was an hour and a half. and the other 35 minutes. and guess what. it wasn’t weird. it was perfect.

technology has made us all (well, not all, thanks friends) scared to do the one thing that comes the most naturally to humans. connect. and talk. we’ve created a million different ways to actually avoid connecting with the invention of texting, facebooking, direct messaging, blah blah blah.

i remember staying up all night talking on the phone in eighth grade. i had my own phone line. and i used it. i have no idea what i found to talk about for 7 hours a night. but it didn’t matter. i was connecting. to my best friend, or the boy a had a crush on, or new friend. and when the phone rang, i didn’t actually know who was on the other line. and it DIDN’T give me so much anxiety that i let every call go to my answering machine. no, i answered the phone… never thinking, why is HE calling me? and i didn’t get all weird. and not know how to talk. or worry about what to talk about. or carrying the conversation if there was an awkward silence. i just connected.

well, somewhere along the path of overwhelmed with constant stimulation technology revolution i forgot how to connect. and have been slowly trying to regain that ability. and not avoid checking my voicemails for 3 weeks because then i would have to call someone back. and not let my friends go to voicemail because i wasn’t expecting them to call, so i can’t possibly imagine what they want, so i want to hear it in recorded form, not live so that i don’t have to respond right away.

because guess what. talking on the phone with someone you like (non romantic and romantically) is amazing. it’s like a little piece of heaven. it’s real connection. and it’s not awkward. and there’s NOTHING to worry about. it doesn’t matter that you’ve never talked on the phone. you’re not going to run out of things to say (honestly, i feel like i’m in an opposite day universe when admitting that this is one of my most common phone fears). and when the conversation is over. that’s ok.

today i used up a quarter of my monthly minute allowance. why? because i didn’t even think about those minutes as they were passing. and i enjoyed connecting with people that i wanted to talk to. talking on the phone with someone for the first time is exhilarating. you get to hear their phone voice. and be surprised that it’s totally not what you thought it’d be like. and you get to create a rhythm and flow to the conversation. a unique pattern of tone and inflection and pauses true only to the two of you. and you get to listen. and care.

today i received a 6:15am phone call from someone that i’d never spoken to on the phone before. i have text log for miles. but never pressed ‘dial.’ actually, the call was a response to a text i sent when i woke up. assuming that he’d receive it when he woke, because no one i know is actually as crazy as i am to be at work by 7am. and as i was putting my kettle on for coffee my phone rang. and i looked, and though, what? 6:15 am? why is HE calling me? and in my general confused, possibly hungover, and foggy state i didn’t over think, or analyze, or wait to hear the voicemail. i answered the damn phone. and proceed to talk for an hour and a half. all the way through getting ready for and driving to work. and it was just enjoyable. and calm. and not awkward. nor boring. it was real connection.

a few hours later, i received a message from another friend. a friend whose correspondence has only been in person, or in writing. she said let’s arrange a call, i have an update. i said, still thrown from my previous intense monday morning connection call, ok. and she called. and dove right it. there was no awkward “we’ve never talked on the phone before, is it going to be weird?” moment. why not? because THAT IS A CRAZY WEIRD THING I’VE MADE UP IN MY HEAD. we’ve been talking on the phone for years. and it works. easily. and it’s really really nice.

so today, friends, i thank you. for reminding me of how ‘connected’ actually feels. and shutting up my awkward obsession for the day. and for calling. i can’t wait to do it again…. i just think i’ll have to up my monthly ‘peak’ minutes.

also, at lunch, while processing my morning call i remembered this article i read a few weeks ago. and the world came full circle once again. talk deeply, be happy.

….and I mean it from the bottom of my heart

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them.

and this conversation keeps replaying in my mind because every single thing about it represents exactly what drives me to do and love all this relationship stuff that i write and discuss. stress and highlight the importance of talking. of actually communicating in relationships.

we just get so scared that our needs won’t be met, or that someone won’t want to try and meet them, that we stop asking. we stop talking about them. because if we’re not asking for anything, we can’t be let down. and that’s precisely where i was.

but in this conversation he not only allowed me to have feelings, and discuss them, he demanded it of me.

i guess that’s the thing. when you care about someone it’s not actually hard to talk about the tricky stuff because you care about their needs, and feelings.

it all seems so simple.

and overwhelming, actually. i am overwhelmed with ‘how to process this’ thoughts about the validation i felt after the interaction. and it’s weird. sometimes getting what you want is scary. and when things happen exactly how you need them to it can be as emotional as if they went disastrously. validation is an intense and powerful thing. to give, and receive. and when someone close is able to validate a need that you didn’t even know you had, you can’t help but to be a little overwhelmed… and thankful.

so this particular love letter to new orleans is in fact a note of thanks to someone in particular. someone who had the difficult conversation. because it was the right thing for me. not the easy thing for him. to someone who most certainly has no clue how much he has inadvertently taught me about myself and relationships in general. who seems to, oddly, know more about some things that i need than my overly reflective and analytical self.
all done with simple, and genuine acts.

so as i ponder more and more what this all means in life. and why things are the way they are, i say thank you one more time. for demanding that i be true to my feelings. and being willing to deal with whatever that meant. for validation, kindness, authenticity, and care.

yes, there are still things i’m still quite sure of. i love you this hour, this hour today. and heaven will smell like the airport. but I may never get there to prove it, so let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair.
i’m an animal, you’re an animal too.

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?!

if i had to choose anything as my numero uno theme/life lesson of oh9 it would HAVE to be exactly that, CONSCIOUS ACTIONS. awareness of self and actions. so why, pray tell, was i so incapable of agreeing with his statement about planning, and being deliberate?

and last night, in another conversation with someone i don’t know very well, i said something else that immediately after made me say to myself, ‘wait a second i completely don’t believe what i just said.’ similar subject- understanding self and what works and balancing writing online with real life communication, preferably face to face.

so this is what i’ve come up with as reason for my uncharacteristic behavior. the universe loves me. and is listening, and providing me with exactly what i need in my life. people that get it. life, and connection, and action, and consequence, and risk, and goals, and dreams.

and after feeling pretty disconnected from life and people that last few months of oh9, i was so used to having to explain my new agey, be aware of who you are, and what you do, and make things happen for yourself mindset, that when i was speaking to people that got it i got confused and discombobulated in the conversation. not realizing that they were in the same place as i was. understanding the importance of the COMBINATION of thinking and acting. planning and doing.

also, it’s fun, and weird and crazy to be talking to someone that doesn’t know me very well, who is trying to explain to me the importance of thinking, and planning to make things happen. me! the think-a-holic! i’m so used to having to explain that not only do i think and analyze everything, but i act too! i act on things that i think about. and looking back on why i felt so unsettled after that conversation, so unlike i was able to express myself, i realize that it was because he already got it. the importance of the balance between thinking/planning and acting/doing. i didn’t have to explain the importance of one in compliment to the other. but i was so used to conversations going that way, i just enacted the routine unconsciously. whoa! talk about conversation/mindset shift.

maybe none of this made sense to anyone but myself. so i guess i’ll recap. i was left feeling oddly, uncharacteristicly, and probably unwarrantedly unsettled by my inability to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings on life, and self awareness and greatness in two separate conversations recently. and upon processing, i have come to the conclusion that i was assuming that they wouldn’t ‘get it.’ ‘it’ being how i think, what i feel, and my new agey theories on consciousness in life. i just assumed, and had the conversation as if the assumption were truth. because, i’d learned the hard way that it felt pretty sucky to think that someone got it, only to find out later that they didn’t. but little be known to me, i wasn’t giving the uni enough credit.

’cause these guys got it.

so, thanks universe. first, for the perspective. reminding me to stay conscious of what is, not what i think is. second, for sending me people that get it. i hope to see more of them.

(postscript. i had connections in late oh9. was just feeling disconnected in general. i’m clarifying to let you, my connections, know that you matter. then, and now.)

strength in my bones put the words in my head.

say anything. i want to know your plans.