after talking with some friends about some recent dating situations i’ve come to a conclusion. one that is slightly frustrating, mostly because i thought i had shed myself of much of the baggage from the ex. but apparently this one has stuck. and i just don’t know really what to do. 

so, i think i’ve mentioned that my ex had very very very needy and truly psychologically crazy girlfriends before me. and because of this, he had more than a tendency to react to things that i did like i was one of those crazy exes. after years of dating, he wouldn’t let me keep any clothes or girl products at his house, he assumed there were ulterior motives for all of my questions, and never ever did anything outwardly romantic, because he thought i expected it, therefore he wasn’t going to give it just to spite me. and this went on and on. and i basically told him that he is the crazy one and needs to take a chill pill.

but ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was treating me like i was crazy and needy no matter what my behavior actually was. he had this image in his brain of ‘girlfriend’=needy and when he looked at me, that’s all he saw. the image created in his head. NOT me. 

so for a zillion reasons, we broke up. and i’ve analyzed every aspect of our relationship and it’s lasting effects over and over, here in writing, out loud to friends, and in my head. and it’s been three and a half years. and i was pretty positive that i got all that analyzing, growth and understanding out of my system. 

until recently. 

it has come to my attention, based on the way i’ve acted with the past few guys i’d ’seen’ that a little habit that i would have previously prided myself on may actually be unhealthy, and reek of self sabotage. 

apparently, the moment i decide that i’m into someone (romantically, like, more than getting to know if i like you as a person) i say calming and nicely to myself, “play it cool.” which is drilled into me over and over. don’t be desperate. don’t show that you like them too much. and i guess we’ve all heard the message, but forget where it came from, and really, what it’s purpose is.

play it cool so that if he/she decides that they don’t like you in return you don’t look dumb.

so here it is, a HUGE disconnect in what i preach (vulnerability at all times) and what i practice (defenses up). a disconnect of which i was honestly very UNAWARE. and there it is, the stain of my last relationship, coming through my fresh and laundered self. apparently (says accounts from my friends) i do and say things (in my conscious ‘play it cool’ attempts) that come off as not only playing it cool, but completely disinterested.

so here i am, at the beginning of any such swooning, deciding that this boy is one i’d like to get to know better, romantically, and i make the conscious decision not to throw myself at him. and in that decision i, in fact, act completely uninterested thinking that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing- acting NOT needy or crazy. 

because that is what was drilled into me over and over and over throughout every interaction with my ex. don’t act needy. don’t act overly into anything. don’t be emotional. don’t show interest. 

and it is so funny. because i know and say that openness and connection and emotions are real and allowed and NECESSARY in relationships. but i totally put up a wall and DON’T do those things because, when it comes down to it, i’m afraid they won’t like me back.

f*ck. i am that person. the jaded girl or boy who has forgotten the benefit of vulnerability and how good it feels when it IS right. and i’ve let my desire to no longer feel hurt or rejected over shine my desire for honest and real connection. all UNCONSCIOUSLY. 

i guess i just don’t know the middle ground. i don’t know where the line between interested and desperate really is. because my benchmark of desperate is all out of whack from the ex. 

and i don’t really know where to go from here. i’m feeling pretty unsettled with all of this. my muscle memory was trained that all things interested=desperate. and i don’t know how to change that, because i honestly don’t really KNOW the difference between interested and desperate. 

so i play it cool. way. too. cool. 

and continue to be single.

did someone make a fool of me, before i could show em how it’s done. 

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world. 

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”  

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something. 

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE. 

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned? 

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed. 

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship. 

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new. 

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship. 

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic. 

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you. 

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

attention. it is a basic human need. physical and emotional, attention serves many different purposes in our everyday lives. as adults, it makes us feel recognized, understood, listened to, cared for, important, validated, worth something.

but attention plays many different roles in our lives, depending on what stage we are in. it is also exhibited in vastly different ways throughout the different times in our life.

at infancy, attention is human touch, feeding, shelter, etc. during childhood attention is being listened to, and given boundaries, and being formally taught information. and then there’s adolescence. in adolescence, attention is what gets us through those testing and awkward times of growing and learning through experience, trying and making mistakes, or succeeding. it gives us confidence to wake up and keep going. even though everything is telling us that it is too hard. and since adolescence is so difficult, the previously acceptable levels of attention that we received from our parents throughout childhood really don’t cut it anymore. so our needs meeting mechanisms kick in and create ways to get us as much attention as we possibly can. enter the annoying attention needy behaviors so easily identifiable in teenagers’ actions.

well, the majority of teenagers that make it out of adolescence alive move into another stage of life where attention is needed and demonstrated in a different form. this usually moves into physical and sexual attention. then it transforms into emotional attention. and, ideally, when we find a person that meets out physical and emotional attention needs we usually make some sort of commitment to that person, formal (marriage, if legal, ugh.) or informal (long term relationship, living together).

once we move out of the “get it at all costs, from any and everyone” attention neediness phase of adolescence, attention becomes a commodity. and to get it, you must (should) give it. hence actual relationships. the giving and receiving of multiple forms of attention. commitment to give to someone with the expectation that you’ll also receive. usually, if in an adult relationship one gives more attention than receives (costs/output outweighs the benefits/gains), there is some form adjustment in the relationship to fix this. hopefully in the form of open and honest communication of needs and mutual agreement to work at equal levels of giving. to survive, a (healthy) adult relationship must must must have two way giving of attention to meet each other’s needs.

where the hell am i going with this? right here.

much like in my one way relationships theory, social media and social networking sites are messing with naturally created mechanisms that foster healthy and sustainable relationships.

essentially, social media sites provide an avenue for receiving immediate and instant attention. and as all of us longer time twitterers, or facebook status users can attest to, the feeling like someone is always there listening, caring, and paying attention (giving us attention) is addicting. why is it so addicting? because, theoretically, as an adult we no longer need to give attention to get it. now you may believe that by following others’ status and goings on we are giving attention back. but i will argue that really it is just a passive act of being present on the site that ‘gives’ the attention. therefore it does not take effort or energy. (and you may WANT to give attention to friends and followers, but the act is not necessary)

in principle, this is what we call a win-win. i feel like i am listened to, and cared about, and validated without you having to do anything but be technologically present. and vice versa. so what is the problem in my crazy head, you ask?

the problem is that this immediate and instant attention gives us a false understanding of reasonable levels of attention giving and receiving in our real life romantic relationships. and the more followers on twitter that we have, or the more friends on facebook the more easily attained the attention and the more skewed our view on mutually acceptable levels of giving attention.

here is a blatantly explicit example:
gina (i honestly don’t think i currently know any ginas so this choice of name is to show that this is a completely hypothetical example) is a smart and very attractive woman. she is also very successful in her career, volunteers at the local homeless shelter in her spare time, and models for an organization aimed at breaking stereotypical norms of beauty (though, she is classically beautiful). on top of all of this, she is an entertaining and articulate writer and runs an engaging blog. now… gina clearly has a lot of followers on twitter (i use twitter here because following can occur one way, where as other sites require mutual relational agreement). she is what i would call one hell of a catch. people want to know what the pretty, successful, do-gooder is up to at all times. so they follow. and she engages with her audience (strategic use of the word, yes.) by asking their opinion on which new ipod she should get, or encouraging them to donate to her favorite charity. she is lively and entertaining.
well gina meets a boy in her city that she really likes. so they go on a few dates. and begin getting a little more serious. after a while they become exclusive and things are going well. then gina and boy reach their first ‘we care therefore we fight’ argument.
boy had some friends come in from out of town last minute and needed to postpone plans they made to go to the movie she’s been dying to see. boy explained that his friends were only in town for one night and he really wanted to see them. he promised to go to the movie the next night. gina was so disappointed that she tweeted out to see if anyone wanted to go see the movie with her. she many responses and ended up going with a guy that had been following her blog and on twitter for quite a while.
boy was then upset that she went out with another guy. she explained that she didn’t think that he had any right to be upset, since he broke the plans with her. and they ultimately broke up.

here we have it. the unconscious inequity of the give and take of attention in a relationship. the relationship ended because gina didn’t want to give (understand boy’s situation) as much as boy needed, so she tweeted out that she needed a companion to the movies (attention) and immediately got what she wanted. thereby, completely enforcing in her brain that she was not out of line wanting boy to spend the evening with her. and proving that if he wouldn’t give her the attention she desired that someone else would.
at this point, gina had no need to have to give attention (understand her boy’s request) to actually get it.

obviously, this was all unconscious. but see how easy it is to get addicted to an unrealistic amount of constant and immediate attention?

this constant availability of ‘free’ (no need to give to get) attention is defying the very mechanisms in our brain that encourage, foster, and regulate healthy relationships.

and this is all happening without thought.

leading me to the ever present, ever appropriate question….so, what now?

keep doing it wrong, keep singing along.

it’s funny. ten days from now will mark my one year san franniversary. one. whole. year. one year since i left everything i loved in search of adventure, newness, and ultimately, love. 

and here i am. one year later. coming down from the whirlwind that was the last 12 months. but there is something funny about where i stand right this moment in life. people ask how in the world i moved across the country to a city where i knew no one but the person whose couch i would be living on (whom i had previously met only twice before.). how did i meet people? was it hard? how did i quit my job and leave all security? how could i afford to be unemployed for months and months? wasn’t it scary not knowing anyone? and when asked these questions i would answer in the only way i knew how - no it wasn’t scary. i felt like it was something i had to do. meeting people came oddly easily (and hell have i been lucky with the friends i’ve come up with so far). being unemployed was difficult for what it was- unemployment in a recession.  but it was exactly what i needed to do for me. 

so here i am, in the come down period. the settled in my own apartment working for the number 3 best fortune 500 company to work for with a great group of friends and stability period. but, well, here’s the thing. stability isn’t something i really place much value on in my life. cause in the last month, the most stable and unwavering month in the last 12, i’ve been in a rut. many things have contributed to this down period in my life. a few of which i have now identified and of which i will proceed to give you a detailed description.

as you can see in my archives, sf different from chicago. different from everywhere. in so many ways. and i have had to navigate these foggy bay waters by using the only method i know- talking about my experiences. and gathering perspective. and as often is the case, sometimes an outside perspective can be much more insightful, understanding and um, validating. this past weekend i got all of those things after a long and grounding conversation with a friend that was in town visiting. he and i talked… and he ‘got it.’ whatever ‘it’ is about sf that makes me feel like i am on a roller coaster riding the peaks and valleys of life and love in this city.

san francisco: the social experiment of the nation (i absolutely cannot take credit for the most brilliant analogy this side of the mississippi, for @ryanmcminn is the genius that helped me articulate this theory.) san francisco is filled with some of the most brilliant and innovative people in the world. we (and i say we not to call myself brilliant but a) to not point a finger, and b) for sake of ease) are socially five years ahead of everyone. i mean come on- every social networking site is based here. we get to test the new hot site, adopt it, obsess over it, and ultimately affect our relationships in a zillion ways we do not care to contemplate before smothering every part of our lives with it. all before oprah’s done any endorsing. because by the time anything has oprah’s stamp of approval we, the proud citizens of san francisco, have participated in the clinical trials. allowing the founders of the new and innovative social networking site to adjust for optimal performance. thereby making it usable for the everyday non san franciscan american. 

so here is what i have found. about me. about my friends. about my dating life. about living in one big social experiment. i let myself slip into this weird isolating place of social awkwardness. i met this amazing group of friends and i got to know them, and showed them who i was. and became close with all of them. all of which was followed by following them on twitter, and becoming friends on facebook, and seeing what they chose to tumble everyday, and you know… participated in the trials. so i was seeing my friends all the time when i was unemployed. for the obvious reason- i had a lot of time on my hands. but also, because an important part of successfully moving across the country is building new relationships and that takes effort. so i put in all this effort. and made a huge group of amazing friends.  

and then i got a job. a job where i defy all san francisco logic daily- i get to work before 7am. thus putting the ca bash on the very alcoholcentric weekday social life i had grown accustomed to. which is fine. i like my job. though, unconsciously more than my foursquare check ins and alcohol consumption levels were dying. so was the authenticity of my relationships with my friends. but i had no idea. because i was following their every move on twitter and facebook. cause they are my friends, and i genuinely cared about what they were doing. and if i couldn’t be there to experience it with them cause i had to rise at 5:30am, then i’d ‘follow.’

but i got to the point where i stopped wanting to make the effort to go out to meet people, even when it did fit into my schedule. i stopped wanting to make the effort to go hang out with my friends. what? i mean, that doesn’t make sense. but i began to focus on how awkward it would be to see them and have nothing to talk about. and why wouldn’t i have anything to talk about? because i’ve been following their lives digitally, and them mine. and i ‘knew’ everything they were doing… so there wouldn’t be anything new to talk about. because seeing my friends at the bar turned into seeing passing acquaintances. by following their every move online i was taking the connection out of our friendship. i was going through the motions. and i found myself with all these good friends that TURNED superficial because of social media sites. 

this is the opposite of what people usually talk about when they talk about ‘friendships’ on the internet. they say, “do you even know those hundreds of people you are friends with on fb, or following on twitter.” “you can’t know them all, those must be superficial relationships…” well. i did know them. and had the false sense of continued friendship when i stopped seeing them in person because i was seeing them online. 

so, for a million reasons i took some time off from the digital. and reevaluated my life in the analog. hence the 6 week long posting hiatus here. and here is what i’ve come up with:

i like my friends. i like them IN PERSON. and i like TALKING to them about what is going on in their life. not (just) reading about it online. i don’t care if i have to hear it twice.

also, i thrive on meeting new people. i am at my best in any relationship before twitter handles are exchanged and facebook friendships accepted. because connection and common ground are being sought… not merely maintained. 

and as for my dating life. i need to keep it analog. i need the energy and excitement of face to face connection. i need to have no idea what you did all week because i want you to TELL me about it. i don’t want to read it. believe it or not, i want to TALK with my friends. and potential boyfriends (uh, what are those again? yea, that is the status of my not so love life). 

so. here it is. a million aggregated thoughts on where i’ve been the last 6 weeks, how i got there, and where i am going from here on out.

system reboot in three…two…one… now.

and the news reports on the radio
said it was getting worse
as the ocean air fanned the flame.
but i couldn’t think of anywhere  would have rather been
to watch it all burn away.
to burn away.

come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior.

oh, southbysouthwest. where do i begin with you. 

well, a few weeks ago i landed in the great state of texas for sxsw interactive. it was my first time attending the geek/drink/party/self promote/abuse your body conference/festival. and, yes, it was everything i was expecting. an amazing time was had by all. and the girls to backpacks ratio (thanks @danmartell via @whitscott) was most certainly enjoyable. 

but besides being a conference/festival boasting all of the above things… it was a breeding ground for hookups. yes, i get it, what do you expect when you have thousands of smart, intelligent and attractive people in a four block radius with all the free booze their livers, voices and stomachs can handle. but whoa.

talk about booze/sex extravaganza. i have friends that had sx boyfriends, makeouts, crushes, hookups and everything in between. and everyone had prepared me to expect this… but it got me thinking about the tag line given to the whole hoopla. 

 ”sxsw: the spring break for geeks.” honestly, yes, it’s funny, and we are all adults and can hookup all we want, but it is exactly what it felt like. spring break freeforall (literally) with no consequences, no adult life things to deal with. but the thing about this analogy is that we are NOT 18-21. we are adults, and there are consequences. or…. are there? (see upcoming post on fidelity.) 

it’s like when you go to a park and you see adults on the swings… you think, oh they are a little big for that, but who cares, it’s sweet. and then you see those same adults on the slide that is made for someone half their size and you think… is that even fun? 

do the things that we thought were the most invigorating, exhilarating things in the world at 19 really still appeal to us now? drinking till we black out and hooking up with the cutest boy/girl that is interested back?

i guess sxsw is the ultimate escape. because those things did/do still appeal. to smart successful adults, experts in their craft. do not get me wrong, i am not in any way judging the hooks ups or binge drinking (which i partook in plenty) i guess i am just a little surprised at the college age free for all mentality that accompanied the frivolity. well that comes out judgmental too. how about this… i am honestly surprised at the purely animalistic nature of the whole thing. it was bare bones party party sex sex. nothing wrong with it. it was there. just, like, um another guest in every room i went it. talk to him to hook up. get them together to hook up. get drunk to hook up. get through panels to drink and hook up. ok, clarity. i just didn’t expect it to be one of the core goals of the event itself. and it was. 

so i have a few thoughts on how this all pertains to me. i, in fact, did not go the springbreak hookup route at sx, thank you for asking. i met some amazzzziiiinnnnggggg people… boys specifically too. some with girlfriends, some with out, some that liked me more than i was interested in them, some that i was interested in that were not in return (or didn’t show it, or were MORE interested in someone else). and that is where it stayed. because i realized… wait let me clarify-i was not without opportunity to hook up. dear god, not the case…. so i just realized that (for me) i just felt like, “i am NOT 18-21 anymore.” i did alllll that then. and then was enough. for me. i am not judging anyone that did anything. moreover, sxsw solidified that i am one hundred percent looking only for connection. i am completely apathetic to the random hookup. some of me feels saddened that this frivolous fun loving sexy part of my life is over. or on a break. a long long break. and the majority of me feels like i have never been more sure of what i am supposed to be doing for me. or if you want to say what i am not supposed to be doing for me. 

yet, knowing that i am one hundred percent doing what i want and need to be doing does put to rest this little baby part of me that feels inadequate for not meeting seven new husbands, or having a sxboyfriend, or hookup buddy, or makeout partner or whatever. 

i know i don’t want it. but it seems like i was supposed to. and maybe that’s where my inadequacy comes in. have i become complacent in my young adult life where i no longer desire? and then my mind jumps to answer that question with, ‘absolutely not.’ and i feel one hundred percent certain in that. 

so. here i am feeling like i am supposed to be feeling something that i know is not what i need to be doing for me. yes, i do actually believe that sentence made sense. 

so. there it is. the initial sxsw experience. and it’s neatly packed laundry. (the dirty laundry comes out next.)

come on hide your lovers underneath the covers ]]> http://stephdub.com/2009/03/27/adult-life-spring-break-destination-austin-tx/feed/ http://stephdub.com/2009/03/06/desperate-or-scared-beg-for-it-or-run-from-it/ http://stephdub.com/2009/03/06/desperate-or-scared-beg-for-it-or-run-from-it/#comments Sat, 07 Mar 2009 01:54:51 +0000 stephdub http://stephdub.com/?p=149 but there I go again, wishing never solved a problem.

last weekend i was talking with a friend about a pretty common website. and the writing done on that website. and though it is a common website, the purpose of it is not inherently good. and in postulating how or why one would write such ummm not positive energy stuff my friend (one that i am just recently getting to actually know) says to me, “i mean, let’s put it this way- i read your writing, and [the writing on that site] is exactly the opposite of your writing.” and at first i was like, ummm, what’s that supposed to mean? and my friend went on to explain.

he said, the thing about your writing is that you put yourself out there a hundred and ten times over. you are genuine, and honest, and transparent, and open. about yourself. and it is enjoyable in a world where we preach transparency on websites and to companies, it is rarely done in such a way that is so … real. 

and i was, obviously, immensely complimented. but it really got me thinking. sometimes i write on this blog my rational theories and logical ramblings. and sometimes i pour my guts out. and honestly, i forget that people not only read these blabblings, but identify, and think that i have something to offer. and i guess, if i had one hope of what someone took away from this blog it would be just that- that i am an open, honest, genuine person just navigating my way through life and love like anyone else. and i am not better that anyone for any reason. 

so, as i sit in the coffee shop where stephdub.com was born, on a friday afternoon, i will, once again, pour my guts out. 

i just finished reading this novel, “all we ever wanted was everything.” and all you really need to know about it is in the title. a common phase that’s meaning never affects me less than the first time i heard it. and i will admit that this week i watched my first and last episode of this season’s the bachelor. it was the finale. and i watched follow up where are they now (6 weeks later) special after. 

and while watching the bachelor i, of course, started bawling. i mean b.a.w.l.i.n.g. for a million reasons. first for the cookie cutter ‘perfect’ love that i feel i may never have. then for feeling inadequate for not being as perfect as their love showed them to be. then for feeling sorry for myself for not having that in my life right now. then for feeling desperate. and then i continued crying for the mere fact that i was bawling over the bachelor and over my newly acquired desperation for love. 

and this week. it’s been interesting. i have started having complete break down moments in my apartment, by myself, just crying. feeling a complete hole in my heart. and in my life. where i am ready for someone to be. and last night, this break down turned slightly overwhelming. and i just became petrified.

petrified of being desperate. and then thinking that in reality i am absolutely not desperate. because i am in fact petrified of meeting someone. of letting someone in. of becoming vulnerable. i used to throw myself under the vulnerability bus in my last relationship. i would feel and tell him how i felt. and he would tell me that i was feeling too much. i would want to talk about things. finish fights right then and there. and now, i watch people on tv, and friends in my life react to relationship situations and i think. that was me. i did that. and now, no way. now, i’d walk away. now i’d shut down. i was never the ’shutdown’er. i was the thunderstorm of thoughts and emotions. and my boyfriend was the shutdowner. would just tell me to leave his house when we had a fight (i’d want to finish it right then and there).

and so there i was- having a total total rock bottom emotional freak out. unable to decide if i am desperate for love and affection, or petrified of it, want to run in the total opposite direction of it. and, well, that’s where i remain. completely overwhelmed with my bipolar thoughts feelings and emotions. realizing that i have never been here, at this interesting moment of single life. (this month it will be three years of single.)

(and about to enter to holyland of hookups- SXSW. maybe this will help? :/ )

if you wanna get big time, go ahead and get, get big time. ah, ah… oh, give and give and give it, until you just can’t give no more. 

so i’ve had this theory for a while. about the beginning stages of dating. specifically like the first ‘date’ time frame. and as i was going to write about this theory as it pertains to the last boy i met (the one that i was most certain wouldn’t amount to anything), he went and blew my theory. 

but not to worry. as things played out, his exception ended up proving the rule. (mind you being right and smart when it leaves you single and alone really equals a wash.) so here we go. 

i think that the harder it is to ‘get together’ when you first meet someone the less likely anything will come of it. i mean, ok, duh you say. but hear me out. i think that the more difficult it is to reconnect the less you remember the reasons you wanted to get to know each other in the first place. more importantly, i think that a lot of good and possible connections get totally lost because of the logistical nightmares that are our busy lives. and this is sucky. 

there is a small range of time where the excitement of meeting someone will light you with a fire to plow through the routine of life and work to meet up. but if for some reason, schedules get in the way and make it logistically difficult to meet up within this small window of time, the chances that you actually will diminish exponentially. 

let me give an example. two people meet, say, at a bar. they hit it off. they both have an active life, single and on the go (read: population SF). and since they meet on a weekend they wait to connect via phone until early in the week. they connect and it is great, suggest meeting up the next weekend. but, unfortunately one of them has plans to go out of town. plans that were made long before they met the cute someone at the bar. so they agree to reconnect post out of town weekend. and by this point we are looking at ten plus days since the initial meeting. and to keep with a general comfort zone of first date timing, this date will most likely take place on a weekend. so by this point, the two have connected and got excited and then had to live their normal lives for nearly two weeks before the possibly of continuing that excitement even enters the picture.

it is at this point that after a few hits and misses of hanging out, all merely due to scheduling, one or both of the parties fall victim to the annoyance of scheduling and awkwardness of it not working out and look the excitement and initial connection in the eye and say, “whatever, see ya later.” the stupid rational everyday life stuff just gets in the way of pursuing a possible connection. 

and this little fact of life sucks. so as much as we have been taught to follow to the “rules” of dating, and wait a few days before calling. and this and that…. just don’t. because life will get in the way. make it happen.

i have seen this same thing happen over and over, in my own life, and in others’. and it is ultimately disappointing. and the rational one in my says, “well steph, if they liked you enough they would make it work.” but i swear, that is not the case. cause three weeks is a long time to try and remember what it was that sparked some sort of interest one night in a bar. and the connection becomes a memory that incites zero feeling after a while. 

this is just annoying. that’s all.

for the record. that boy that i thought would lead no where actually texted me two weeks after our last contact. asking what i was doing that night. we tried to arrange to meet up that night, and he ended up working late. and the rest is history. done and done.

so say goodbye to love,
and hold your head up high.
there’s no need to rush
we’re all just waiting, waiting to die.

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now. 

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.                                                                                                         

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?). 

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it. 

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating.

so, merge this realization with my recent dating apathy, and we arrive back at one of my major all time truths of dating and relationships- there is something so inherent and human and animalistic and feeling filled about love, romance and attraction that one cannot help who he/she is interested in, falls for, or loves. 

see the thing about competition(v.) (rather, the act of being competitive) that just contradicts all of the above is that it implies that the competitor has some influence on the outcome of the ‘competition(n.).’ and love and dating just don’t work like that. we are human, and though we (americans especially) place rationality on an impossibly high pedestal, feelings and emotionality play and EQUAL role in everything we do. and no matter how competitive and rational and calculating we become, none of that fits into dating. 

so here i am, in my apathetic state, thinking that trying to get some one’s attention and trying to convince them to like you (whether it be at a bar, or someone you may know and like more intimately) is just um, well, to be blunt, pointless. you can’t help who you like, and neither can they. 

and even more importantly. i am really beginning to understand that, with very few exceptions to the rule, at this age, if someone IS interested in you, they will most CERTAINLY make it clear in a way that you are sure to hear (all this without ever reading nor seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’). we are adults, and though we like to conveniently forget this fact (especially in regards to accountability), we are remarkably good at going after what we want. therefore, there seems to be no room, nor need for competition, of any type, in dating.

so forget this cruel world where I belong, i’ll just sit and wait and sing my song. and if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

so i have a few friends that are in this interesting spot of dating. and what really hits me is that they all begin to react to this dating milestone in the same manner. 

i’m talking about the two or three month in, stop and think about where this is going, intersection. and i think this is a really hard spot in dating for all parties involved. it is this pivotal moment that demands our  attention and action.

it is usually in this period of time when you’ve gathered enough information about the person that you’ve been seeing/dating to know whether or not you wish to continue. yes, i believe that it takes a minimum of 3 months of dating to really begin to get an accurate understanding of who the other is, how they do/will/would fit into your life, and what the next few months could look like. what i see happening in my friends is the half unconscious half conscious evaluation of the costs and benefits of dating the person they are, understanding what they like and dislike about the person, and what comes next. and coincidentally my friends all seem to lean towards ending things rather than continuing. 

what sucks for everyone involved is that when the three month period becomes this crossroad point of dating there is usually one party that wants to continue dating, enter the next milestone and commit to the relationship, and one person usually saying, “eh”. (because if both parties want to continue then this moment doesn’t inspire any introspection, and is usually skated through. and if both parties think that it is going nowhere then it usually doesn’t even last 3 months.) and the “eh” party has one of two choices: actively break it off with the other, or passively shut down and wait for the other to pick up on it. and i guess what i’m trying to get at is that owning up and breaking up with someone is as difficult as being broken up with.

obviously three months is long enough to become attached and know someone pretty personally. and for any relationship to get that far is an accomplishment, for both parties. but i think the reason that some people begin to shut down, and avoid dealing with the breakup is because they DO care about the other person. and therefore don’t want to do the hard thing- tell someone that they DO care about that they just don’t see a future with that person. it just doesn’t seem to fit. 

and sometimes, there isn’t really a specific reason to give the other. sometimes what seemed right in week 6 of dating doesn’t in week 9. and to articulate that, in a sympathetic way, to someone you care about is ridiculously difficult. so, often, that conversation is avoided at all costs. or it is done over the phone, or over text. where the ‘dumper’ doesn’t have to see the disappointed face of someone they care about. 

and really this just sucks for everyone. after having the initial ’shut down’ reaction, one of my friends decided NOT to go this route. decided to to have the difficult conversation.

and it was hard. and made me proud and thankful for the accountability attached to this breakup. and weaving this in with my lesson of 2008, i think that this is the way it should go.

this is probably the most common relational intersection. the moment of ‘is this going where i want it to.’ and so i am going to just throw a little nonjudgemental perspective into the wind. we have all been at this moment, and many of us will have numerous more pauses at this very intersection of life. and we have all probably been on both sides of the do i want to continue this fence. and it is hard to be on either. so my suggestion. be present in your dating life. chose that you want to continue or end with the person and own that decision. if perhaps you decide not to continue know that the greatest thing you can offer to that relationship at that moment is truth, honesty and accountability. and if you are the one wanting to continue, and the other doesn’t, know that you put in what you could and that the decision was difficult for them. 

dating is hard. non of us want to be broken up with. but none of us want to be the bad guy either. so stay true to yourself and give the other person the courtesy of not having to deal with a jerk.

this is your own mess that you’ve got into
have a cigarette hope the best turns out for you
and i say you you need to think this through
why can’t we just laugh forget and move on
let’s make a toast from coast to coast for all the things we’ve done