so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently. 

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory. 

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience. 

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

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i was thinking about the concept of crushing. you know, having a crush on someone. and, though i understand some of the psychological benefits of getting a crush on someone, i realllllly can’t get past some of the icky effects of having said crush.

so, we have all these chemicals in our brian that make us blissfully sheltered from the harsh realities of life. they allow us to ‘be happy’ and see things positively. actually, they say that, simply put, clinically depressed people see the world with more of an accurate lens. these chemicals don’t allow them to float through life thinking that there are good things where others do. now, those of us that are not depressed, or are taking supplemental chemicals for it, see things as generally good. people as generally good. life as generally good. 

so, back to a crush. why is it that crushes seem to ALLOW us to blatantly ignore anything real that is not one hundred percent positive. it seems that when we crush, our crushee can do no wrong. we get dressed with the anticipation of the first time our eyes meet that night. we arrange our schedules to allow for the maximum amount of possible hang out time. maybe we see them and get butterflies. we talk to them about all the things we have in common. and sooner or later this crush becomes the next persn we want to date. and efforts move forward in that direction.

but. these feel good chemicals that incite all the previously mentioned behaviors sometimes do us a total disservice. they allow us to spiral into wanting to date someone, without ACTUALLY knowing the whole story about them. we only know the good things. s/he is cute. funny. charming. intelligent. and that is all we need to know to swoon. 

so, there was this boy. and he was cute, and we had so much in common. we knew some of the same groups of people. we had similar interests. interesting conversations. and i had a full blown crush. now this crush, thank goodness, didn’t last because of one awkward dating situation or another and i was able to get a more accurate view of who this guy was. and from that awkward moment on, everything he did and said kind of annoyed me. so i immediately started beating myself up for ever crushing on such a stupid boy. and become mad about the crush induced things i did. thinking, ‘why couldn’t i have seen all these things before so i didn’t waste my time on that boy.’  (so i don’t feel the need to berate myself for NOT seeing those things.)

not to get all academic geek on you, but i get the evolutionary psychology perspective on why the tendency to ‘crush’ is a positive thing that helps us survive. relationships are hard work. and we would not actively get into them if we had a realistic vision of all the good AND bad things about a person. it’s the same as the concept of romantic love. our brains trick us into falling for someone, so that once we get into a relationship and this romance fades we are already too deep in to abandon ship. and as cognitive dissonance theory suggests, we as humans would much rather change our beliefs than our behavior when the two don’t match up. so, our brains give us a nice chemical cocktail of happy love juice so that we fall (crush) for someone that we don’t know too much about. we act like we’ve fallen (see previous list of ‘crush’ like behaviors) and then when that cocktail wears off we are in a relationship and have to deal with the hard, honest, and real parts of that relationship. and the only way to rationalize what, in retrospect, we see as something we maybe would not have gotten into (actively) if we knew these things earlier is to change our belief about the not so positive things that we are feeling. because we can’t change the behavior (it’s already done!). so we then enter round two of happy juice lies and tricks our brian plays on us to induce all those ‘crush’ like feelings again cause we were happy then. and we change our beliefs about the things we may not like, to thinking positively about them. and the cycle continues. 

but here’s the thing. what we REALLY need is not a happycrush cocktail of illusions when we meet someone, but a realistic person preview. like a realistic job preview. we need to know what we are getting ourselves into. i mean, what if that awkward dating moment had not snapped me out of my crush and i started dating a guy that thinks he is way more important than he actually is?! THEN i’d be in trouble. so my request to you, brain- i want to see accurately and clearly, and if it takes a few times before accurate and clear equals actual things in common, intelligent conversation, mutual attraction, and so forth then so be it. i’ll deal with meeting some not so great guys, just don’t trick me into falling for them. please! thank you. 

like a breath. take in restraint like a breath. my lungs are so numb from holding back. eh, from holding back.

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this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl. 

word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point. 

The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate.

and i am really not picking on you boys… well maybe today i kind of am (and am apologizing for the heteronormative perspective of this post). here’s the deal. and i’m not just talking to hipster boys. though i believe that the people i am writing to and about were not necessarily the jocks in high school (because they only made up what, 25% of high school population anyways?!). i live in SF, i have a community of pure tech, art, web 2.0, music and even academic geeks as my friends. and, duh, i’m one of them. so if you do not fit into the above categories then sorry, disregard this post (not really, you need to hear this).

we, as girls, get it. boys are dumb at dating. sorry, but i have heard this more from boys than girls, so i know it is true. you’re shy, you were a dork in high school, you didn’t go to keggers in college, you played (still do) too many video games, you were a late bloomer, your best friend always got the girls, you don’t think you’re attractive, you really think that glasses hide your thoughts, or that they make you look cool and mysterious, you were in a long relationship that never allowed you date around. you were a band geek. you. have. no. idea. what. you. are. doing. WE GET IT.

but where the hell do you think WE learn from? from dealing with all of you dating incompetent boys. more accurately, from TRYING THINGS OUT. and learning from what works and doesn’t work. see, we are forced to have this attitude cause we are girls and girls apparently have this gene in us that makes us love all things relationships. but that’s not really the case. i, personally, am an academic geek that loves communication theory applied to relationships. other girls, they learn about dating from ACTAULLY DOING IT. with you boys. who by no means make it easy on us. 

i am not placing full blame of the game on you, but this stuff doesn’t come any more naturally to us than it does to you. we just try. you don’t think that we think ‘having the talk’ is the most awkward thing ever?! we do. but we also know that if WE don’t initiate it, you never will. you don’t think that seeing you at the bar after you have been in our bed the weekend before is awkward? you don’t think that we would like to avoid all contact with you until that awkwardness goes away, too? you don’t think that it is weird that you are our ex’s best friend, or that we work together? sure. we. do. but we man up and plow through the awkwardness of dating cause we like you. and you’re cute. and socially awkward (read: retarded). and clueless on all things dating. and the number one rule of dating (the only rule we seem to know instinctually) is that dating is a game of equaling the playing field of vulnerability at all costs. so, you feel awkward cause you never learned in your thirty years of life how to talk to a girl you think is interesting. we get this, and therefore we make the SECOND move, talk to you, to put OURself out there and therefore we are now both vulnerable. you get it? we automatically give you the first round of vulnerability without actually knowing anything about your dating or cool status past. and if you do make the first move and approach us, therefore making yourself the one in a vulnerable position, i promise you this, we are DYING to level the playing field of vulnerability by putting ourselves back out there, too. this is the natural flow of dating. sharing things, learning things. working through things together. 

so, we get it. you have no idea what you are doing. but, neither do we. we just try. and yes, it may make things uber uncomfortable, and we may look like the dumb girls in the process. but at least we are trying. whether or not my lady counterparts are as aggressive as i am in the combatting of awkwardness by walking up to it and shaking its hand or not, we are ALL ready to move past uncomfortable and awkward dating situations. 

so can you JOIN us? instead of retreating behind your champagne of beers, thick framed glasses, american apparel hoodies, and guitars, step away from these disguisers of uncertainty and be an active part of the dating game with us. be awkward. and try new things… please?

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so i have been meaning to write this post for a while. but i’m glad i didn’t. i like to mull things over (read: analyze them to death) until i’m certain of my thoughts. and i think i’ve sufficiently figured this one out. 

a while back my boys were both going through a ‘when it rains it pours’ phase. and i was not (ha.) and saying that phrase repeatedly to me was their way of sympathizing (uh?). like, ‘oh steph it’s the way the universe works.’ like that’s all there is to it. and i began analyzing this concept. and after having a kind of when it rains it pours day earlier this week it now seems so obvious to me why this happens. i feel like a dummy (who says that?) for not seeing straight through it before now. 

i have decided that the phrase ‘when it rains, it pours’ is the noun form of the verb ‘playing it cool.’ 

playing it cool works. it does for a million reasons. the most simple explanation is to apply the scarcity cognitive heuristic to dating and instantly understand why playing it cool works. we place more value on something we may not even be sure we want because of the possibility that we may not be able to have it when we want it. to play it cool is essentially to make yourself less available, thereby making yourself more valuable. (pure academic geek right there).

so. when you are playing it cool you become more valuable to cute boys or girls. and new cute boys and girls see this and want some of your valuable goods (haha i love my mood today). and if you are then interested in said additional cute boy or girl you begin to pursue them as well. and then, your time (availability) is divided even more. INCREASING its value! and therefore desirability! and boom! the cycle continues! creating the ‘when it rains, it pours’ effect. 

the next thing you know you are veritable cute boy/girl dating magnet.

ha. i do believe i have learned my lesson. my crazy brain just needs to put my ridiculous dating life into academic terms and the world makes sense again. woot. 

maneuver well, i tell girls that can’t tell
that say since i don’t look like maxwell
they think i can’t mack well

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pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon. 

this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better. 

and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it. 

have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating. 

and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it.

i have been writing a blog since my ‘thebestofnothing’ live journal days in the year 2000. but no one cared. no one followed. then my myspace blog provided me an outlet to analyze. but my best friends said, “why would we read your blog? we are your best friends, we know everything about you.” and then i move to SF where in week one i was asked if i had a blog, was considered a bona fide writer. everyone out here got me. and this blog. and thinks i give good perspective. and expresses their similarities and support. and it is amazing. but it’s overwhelming. i know i created this amazing life and blog and so happy and thankful. but i’m trying to figure out my dating life in the basic way, and now here i am this girl that writes a dating blog where dating me means immense social implications. and it’s fine and great. but i just don’t know how to do it. 

it’s a new thing for me to be in a conversation with a friend about a boy i met and for her to ask “so what are you looking for… oh wait i read your blog i know- casual or serious.” and i love it, it’s amazing to be in a place where people enjoy my writing and my crazy analytical steph self. but no one can deny that it is probably a bit much to handle if you are a new guy that i meet. and yes i know that the one for me won’t care, and will get me and yes yes yes. but getting to know someone through dating is two ways and better off slow and this blog excellerates that process to the tenth degree. and i am worried that i am forever inhibiting my ability to take it slow with a boy i like. to tell him my history, to talk exes and schemas and fears and hopes and dreams and. sigh. 

i’m just trying to find the balance of mutual information sharing and living my dream of being understood by people. today i feel like i am on the high end of a teeter-totter where i have no option but to dangle my legs and wait for the boy on the ground to decide if he wants to push back up to level it out.  

i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never their own fear. and i am sorry, but i am not a maiden fair, and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.

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so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak. 

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have. 

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. my response was simple, “either, or both. i would like to meet someone interesting and smart that i am also attracted to. it seems like i can’t find both in the same person lately.”  then i told him how i liked that he called it luck (as in- it’s not just me being wrong at life) and asked why he asked me the question in the first place. his response, “I ask because 1) I’ve had the same “luck” as you for 1+ year and 2) I’m looking for either, but super picky, even when asked out.” of course i responded, “well duh, i’m picky too, i’m not going to stop being picky just because it’s been a while since my last relationship.”

and suddenly the conversation with my friend came to my mind. while wallowing in our broken heartedness he said, “the thing is steph, we both know what is out there for us in terms of love, we feel we have had it or a taste of it, and what breaks my heart even more is that i know neither of us will settle for anything less. and that makes me worry that we will end up alone.”

so i guess this is the best way to explain where i am in my dating life. when most people get ‘desperate’ they change or lower their standards. they try different methods of dating or different types of people, they give in. whereas i become more steadfast and determined. alas, if i’ve waited this long there is no way i’m going to settle for someone that doesn’t do it for me like i know it can be done (ha). i mean i like who i am. i think i’m pretty great. and i also think that the person i am going to date casually or seriously needs to be pretty great. because there is nothing in it for me to talk to a physically attractive guy that doesn’t mentally stimulate me. i’m just past that. that’s what you do in your first year of being single. you explore all the possibilities. by year 2.5 you end up at the same place you were before. waiting for the one that has exactly what you know you need. the one that could break your heart if he/she didn’t work. 

cause really, there is nothing more exciting than knowing at the beginning of dating that this could be something so good that it could kill you. heartbreak is just that. heartbreaking. but it is invigorating and rejuvenating, and ultimately the perfect reminder to keep looking. that those people that embody all your hopes and dreams in a partner do actually exist. and holding out is totally worth it. 

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind: 
get loved, make more, try to stay alive.

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so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that. 

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly. 

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out. 

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed. 

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twenty five year old midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak. 

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

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so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish.

another fear regarding my possibly unprocessed emotions is that they will once again become all consuming and explode at any moment into out of control crazy girl BLAH when i least expect it. and if you haven’t gotten it yet, i do NOT like to feel like i have no control. i like to process my shit in my own space, with my friends that get me, and figure that shit out so i can come off as cool calm and collected as i always do in public (um, yea.)

so i guess, in all this panic induced rambling, what i am trying to say is… what if i haven’t gotten over something like i think i have? what if when i least expect it, and when it is LEAST socially appropriate i find out that i, infact, have just suppressed the feeling that consumed me for so long and i am not yet over it. 

maybe i need to trust myself, my ability to process my experiences, and my being exactly where i need to be right now suppressed emotions and all. but, the thought of my repressed emotions exploding into feelings and shit that will inevitably lead to self induced heartbreak, probably worse than the first time freaks the hell out of me.

i want to be over this. i mean. it’s been forever. and i have honestly believed for so long that i officially was. cause you know, sometimes you wake up and you just feel right again. like you’re done with something that no longer serves a positive purpose in your life. and i’ve felt that. but this cocktail of fear, excitement, anxiety, giddiness, joy, and insecurity that is running through my blood right now worries me. that same kind of worry when you fall in love and know that it is probably the worst idea you have ever had, but you’re already in too deep to do anything other than embrace it and hold on tight. 

[expletive]. 

every waking hour. we break down in different combinations. we spin around in smaller constellations.

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beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself. 

so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world. 

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose). 

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is. 

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me in knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again. 

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me. 

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality. 

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred 

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so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.

and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

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