good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them.

and this conversation keeps replaying in my mind because every single thing about it represents exactly what drives me to do and love all this relationship stuff that i write and discuss. stress and highlight the importance of talking. of actually communicating in relationships.

we just get so scared that our needs won’t be met, or that someone won’t want to try and meet them, that we stop asking. we stop talking about them. because if we’re not asking for anything, we can’t be let down. and that’s precisely where i was.

but in this conversation he not only allowed me to have feelings, and discuss them, he demanded it of me.

i guess that’s the thing. when you care about someone it’s not actually hard to talk about the tricky stuff because you care about their needs, and feelings.

it all seems so simple.

and overwhelming, actually. i am overwhelmed with ‘how to process this’ thoughts about the validation i felt after the interaction. and it’s weird. sometimes getting what you want is scary. and when things happen exactly how you need them to it can be as emotional as if they went disastrously. validation is an intense and powerful thing. to give, and receive. and when someone close is able to validate a need that you didn’t even know you had, you can’t help but to be a little overwhelmed… and thankful.

so this particular love letter to new orleans is in fact a note of thanks to someone in particular. someone who had the difficult conversation. because it was the right thing for me. not the easy thing for him. to someone who most certainly has no clue how much he has inadvertently taught me about myself and relationships in general. who seems to, oddly, know more about some things that i need than my overly reflective and analytical self.
all done with simple, and genuine acts.

so as i ponder more and more what this all means in life. and why things are the way they are, i say thank you one more time. for demanding that i be true to my feelings. and being willing to deal with whatever that meant. for validation, kindness, authenticity, and care.

yes, there are still things i’m still quite sure of. i love you this hour, this hour today. and heaven will smell like the airport. but I may never get there to prove it, so let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair.
i’m an animal, you’re an animal too.

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?!

if i had to choose anything as my numero uno theme/life lesson of oh9 it would HAVE to be exactly that, CONSCIOUS ACTIONS. awareness of self and actions. so why, pray tell, was i so incapable of agreeing with his statement about planning, and being deliberate?

and last night, in another conversation with someone i don’t know very well, i said something else that immediately after made me say to myself, ‘wait a second i completely don’t believe what i just said.’ similar subject- understanding self and what works and balancing writing online with real life communication, preferably face to face.

so this is what i’ve come up with as reason for my uncharacteristic behavior. the universe loves me. and is listening, and providing me with exactly what i need in my life. people that get it. life, and connection, and action, and consequence, and risk, and goals, and dreams.

and after feeling pretty disconnected from life and people that last few months of oh9, i was so used to having to explain my new agey, be aware of who you are, and what you do, and make things happen for yourself mindset, that when i was speaking to people that got it i got confused and discombobulated in the conversation. not realizing that they were in the same place as i was. understanding the importance of the COMBINATION of thinking and acting. planning and doing.

also, it’s fun, and weird and crazy to be talking to someone that doesn’t know me very well, who is trying to explain to me the importance of thinking, and planning to make things happen. me! the think-a-holic! i’m so used to having to explain that not only do i think and analyze everything, but i act too! i act on things that i think about. and looking back on why i felt so unsettled after that conversation, so unlike i was able to express myself, i realize that it was because he already got it. the importance of the balance between thinking/planning and acting/doing. i didn’t have to explain the importance of one in compliment to the other. but i was so used to conversations going that way, i just enacted the routine unconsciously. whoa! talk about conversation/mindset shift.

maybe none of this made sense to anyone but myself. so i guess i’ll recap. i was left feeling oddly, uncharacteristicly, and probably unwarrantedly unsettled by my inability to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings on life, and self awareness and greatness in two separate conversations recently. and upon processing, i have come to the conclusion that i was assuming that they wouldn’t ‘get it.’ ‘it’ being how i think, what i feel, and my new agey theories on consciousness in life. i just assumed, and had the conversation as if the assumption were truth. because, i’d learned the hard way that it felt pretty sucky to think that someone got it, only to find out later that they didn’t. but little be known to me, i wasn’t giving the uni enough credit.

’cause these guys got it.

so, thanks universe. first, for the perspective. reminding me to stay conscious of what is, not what i think is. second, for sending me people that get it. i hope to see more of them.

(postscript. i had connections in late oh9. was just feeling disconnected in general. i’m clarifying to let you, my connections, know that you matter. then, and now.)

strength in my bones put the words in my head.

say anything. i want to know your plans.

ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral.  i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.).
and i started spiraling through all of the same crazy thoughts that i tempered above. and then, before logging off, i decided to do a search. for men, in my area, with my physical, personality, educational, and recreational preferences.
and that’s when i got it. what i needed from the silly site. after perusing through the 200 profile photos and 20 word descriptions, coming up basically dry on anyone i’d even be interested in meeting, i remembered that all of these guys are out there ‘wanting it.’ believing in relationships, and dating, and looking for a “cute girl who I can hold hands with at the farmer’s market” or “Someone that I can make laugh and visa versa. Someone with a good head on her shoulders (keep up in intelligent conversations as well as goofy banter)” or “a woman that is charming, intelligent and beautiful, with a sense of adventure” or however else you want to say it. and they are trying. and going for it.
and though this realization didn’t make me change my mind whatsoever about the rightness, or lack thereof, that i feel about online dating, it did give me an overwhelmingly rejuvenating kick in my dating reset button for good old twenty ten.
so yea. he’s out there. waiting to serendipitously experience our meet cute. and with him i’ll get drinks. i’ll get dinner. i’ll go to a baseball game. i’ll go for a trip down the coast. i’ll get bi-rite ice cream and  spend the afternoon in the coffee shop reading. i will go on ‘dates’ that feel right, and know they’ve seen the actual steph. cause there is way more cuke to this girl than meets the eye.
so thanks match.com. not for any actual dates, but the refill on hope. and i’m ready, 2010, for whatever dating life you throw my way.

she led the modern sunset to your window, gestured with a plane jane hand, she said, “let’s go.”

so i payed depaul university a whole hell of a lot of money to make me read way too much and force me to write paper after paper. thereby forcing me have multiple fits and breakdowns during many many finals.

and a few years later i said, oh four years of that wasn’t enough, i’ll go back and do it again for two more. with quadrupole the reading and writing expectations, for a low low price of 50% more than the first time.

at least i have a piece of paper on the wall now that calls me a ‘master.’ i mean, honestly, that’s cool.

my point is, and my my mother will be the first to tell you, that grad school writing was the bane of my existence, and caused many a late night breakdown session filled with questioning how i’d ever finish the ninteyfivepage paper that was due the next day. and here i am, nearly two years after being handed that piece of paper, desperate to write as often as i can.

even crazier, desperate to explain, theorize, categorize, and rationalize every single thing that happens in life through writing. i am officially an academic geek.

i had this realization (and acceptance) when i spent entirely too long this week examining my fake character movie crushes of the mid to late nineties.

it started when i read a very funny, and um, oddly thought provoking piece of writing, which discussed some of the greatest movies from my child-to-adolescence-hood. one of them being camp nowhere.

i loved this movie. and drew’s post about it sparked instant memories with their associated feelings. and my mind started spiraling into analyzing those memories. i specifically remember watching it in like 5th or 6th grade on new years eve while i was babysitting. and i remember crushing so so hard on mud. and then i remembered that i felt like i was supposed to like andrew kegan’s character. but i just liked mud. the geeky, small, long haired idea man (kid). and i began to think that this was probably some pretty heavy foreshadowing on ‘life’s’ part.

i then began to think about all the other childtoadolescencehood crushes i had.
nick from ‘my girl 2′ (same year) (same long hair)- shyer kid that falls for the independent, determined, mind made up well spoken vada.
john baker from ‘boys’- (long, less mullety, hair) shy geeky prep school boy changed by the mysterious mature patty (winona ryder) who shows him that he can stand up to his dad and be a man.
josh in ‘clueless’- um, uber geek college boy that wears flannel, can’t dance, and is a smarty that is going to be a lawyer.
cameron in ten things i hate about you- yes, i had a crush on joseph gordon levitt over heath ledger. the dorky, adorable boy who, shocker, was in love with the totally hot popular girl and said things like “and i’m back in the game!” when she pays him an once of attention.
mark in ‘empire records’- goofy nerdy guy that is not the hot dude the chicks want. giggles a lot.
preston in ‘can’t hardly wait’ (ethan embry round 2)- not popular guy that has fallen for the prom queen beauty, writes her love notes and gazes longingly towards the sky when he hears a song with her name in it, and honestly cannot imagine life without her.
max fisher in ‘rushmore’- duh, long haired geek that is overly involved in school and falls, yet again, for a completely unavailable woman (teacher) and wholeheartedly believes his life will end without her. goes to great lengths to do things for her so that she will like him in return.

ok. you get the point. from these i pull out a few major themes that have proven to translate perfectly to my life as a dating adult.
i like boys that fall for girls that are opposite of me (read: popular prom queen beauties) (i’m also not saying they wouldn’t like me, but they have no idea what to do with someone like me) (the older i get the more i rid myself of this one, phew).
i like boys that are smart and geeky. period.
i like(d?) long hair. hey it was the 90s. and oh so cute. and let’s be honest, i’ve been more than interested in more than one guy in my adult dating life that has had as long, or longer hair than me. (i can only explain this by directing attention back to the fashions of the mid to late 90s.)

before i started writing this i tried to really think about why it is that i go for the geeky type. now, this being a blog, and me living in san francisco and being friends with about a gazillion tech industry people, the geeky thing is probably not even confusing for a lot you. but for everyone else, yes, i have been trying to figure out the geek thing.

and then i realized. i don’t have to. it’s all right here, ENACTED in the movie that sparked all these thoughts. mud and gabby make a pact that they will only date ex geeks when they actually start dating. because only exgeeks will really understand them.  bingo, understanding. common ground. i wouldn’t call myself a geek when i was young. cause that doesn’t fit. but i definitely wasn’t the tall skinny popular blond cheerleader that all the boys pined for. um no. i knew who i was, and wasn’t afraid to show my uniqueness… in a world where that makes you very misunderstood. so that’s why i go for the geeks. because not being instantly understood in life builds character. and strength. and self-acceptance. so by the time said geek is an adult, geekiness is pretty darned attractive because it goes hand in hand with self-understanding, strength, acceptance and respect for difference. whoa. i just pulled all of that from a crush on jonathon jackson in 1994.

(veryvery long sidenote: after making the pact to only date exgeeks they have a moment where they ’shake on it’ and realize their feelings. and watching that as a way too old to admit this adult, i seriously get giddy watching them go through that moment of butterflies. cause THAT is what dating is all about. that moment of butterflies when you think the other person feels it too, and you aren’t sure what ‘it’ really is, but know that you like it, and want to feel it more. yea. we forget about that stuff as adults that drink too much and have important stuff like paying bills and opening mail that’s piled up for 4 weeks to do. we forget the good old fashion butterflies. hop straight to the good old fashion banging. watch it 7:50-9:50. it’s perfect. the best two minutes of well, right now.)

which leads to the second main theme pulled from my childhood movie crushes. that i (still) have a thing for boys/men/guys that swoon. that show it. that believe in relationships and love. i’ve discussed it before, my obsession with married men (because they BELIEVE in love and commitment and relationship), but this just goes to show how deep and far back this thing really goes. my overall obsession with guys that SHOW their swoon. show their infatuation. write it in letters. express it through music. talk about it out loud.

so there you have it. a lot of words to come to two conclusions that had already been made. well, at least i’m consistent.

in related news, im semi ecstatic for the new TNT tv show with ray romano called ‘men of a certain age.’ i think this also highlights my over the top interest in adult mens’ relationships and getting to hear and analyze their thoughts and emotions towards those relationships.

until next time, i remain single. and watching movies from fifteen years ago. having a crush on a 14 year old boy. um, intervention?

do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

linger. the cranberries.

well, this is it.

30 days. a blog post a day. national blog post a day month. complete.

i did it. and things are, well, more calm. i don’t really seem to have anything more figured out. i bullshitted a little, i poured my heart out a little. i felt a little. and then a little more.

and, over all, i feel good about it. it’s interesting to look at where i was 30 days ago. staring at the same full moon that i am now. writing about, siiiiggggggghhh, feelings. i started sitting next to a pool twentythreehundred miles away, in new orleans, and finish sitting in my bed in san francisco. symbolic really. of a lot.

i guess this is what people that write in a journal feel like when they go back and read it. and i’ve only been doing it for 30 days.

i feel good. i wish i could blurt it all out here like a real journal. tell the ones i love that i do, and the ones that hurt me that they did, the ones i wish for in my life that i do, and so forth. but that’d be sappy. and i’m no sap. ha.

this month i’ve come to a place where i’m learning to feel. and just be ok with that. not have to know what to do with those feelings. i’ve learned that people often show you parts of themselves that they chastise in others, and don’t even know it. that sometimes, true friends (or what you thought were) have the ability to hurt you the most. that some people will think what they want about me, whether or not it’s true, well, when most likely it’s absolutely not. that i love my alone time more than ever. that sf is one hundred percent home. that i know more about relationships than i wish to and it haunts me. that i am waiting for you. that i’m still figuring it out. that getting uber geeky glasses has the opposite effect as i desired (total prep boys like em? when i just want to be not looked at). that i absolutely cannot live without the friends i’ve know for years, and know me the best. that travel is in my blood and soul, and i need it like i need sleep. that most of the time, people won’t understand. and that is ok. that my intuition is becoming sharper and sharper. that living for me is exactly how it should be. that i miss academia, and grad school. that i love words, and writing more than i ever thought. that i’ve moved on. that i’ve come full circle. that it’s a process. that i’m moving forward. always.

mostly that i’m okay. i love, and hurt, and feel, and exclaim, and rest, and contemplate, and listen to my inner voice, and am. and that it’s all okay.

i am okay.

and in honor of just being ok with every crazy thing that makes up me, i’ll leave you with this… a song from my favorite ever band of life. with no shame. pure love.

‘im sorry,’ she said, ‘i know, i’m not the kind of girl you want… we’re falling, oh oh oh, falling falling down.’

just listen

i have a crush.

i don’t know him, really.

but, nonetheless, i hope to see him around.

crushes are weird. they are exciting, they give you hope, they add fun to everyday life. but having been single for so long now, and honestly, not having met many people in that so long that i would want to stop being single with, there is something scary about having a crush. like what if this goes somewhere? what would that mean? (spiral spiral spiral)

and i know it seems extreme that i’m even talking about this, especially because i don’t know said boy, but now is exactly WHEN i think about this stuff. because crushing, in and of itself, is fun. what is not fun is when something happens that is real enough to push that crush onto the 5 yrd line of the possibility zone. because then shit’s on the line. that is where something that is said or done could make or break it. ultimately, that is where rejection becomes factor. that is where a crush moves into a possibility of dating, or going on a date.

it’s kind of nice, actually having a new crush. but the thing is, i don’t know him. and when i think about getting to know him i get all weird and freaked about rejection. and this is all happening before ieven know him. because i meet so few boys that i crush on, the possible rejection that comes from a crush these days oddly holds a higher level of possible affectedness. meaning, that rejection holds more power than if i were meeting smart, handsome, funny boys all over the place every single day. it’s a numbers game. the less chances, the more value each chance acquires. therefore, just the thought of something making this crush move into the possibility zone is mildly paralyzing.

but, um, HELLO i am not going to let a chance at something good pass me by because of fear. that’s for sissy marys. but i am going to blab it all out here to get it out of me and move on.

because i don’t even know him.

but, neither does anyone i know. which is also nice for a change. avoiding the normal incest that comes with dating and my group of friends.

so i have a crush. and randomly thinking about this boy that i don’t know gives me hope that i’m not broken. i do know how to maybe be interested in someone in this city. cause it’s been a long time since that’s happened.

also, i love my neighborhood.

we used to dream, and now we worry about dying. i don’t wanna worry about dying… i just wanna worry about those sunshine [boys].

young hearts spark fire. japandroids.