shades of perspective

but it takes more than one person, so everyone jump on 

clearly we like our friends. we like them for being who they are. that’s what friendship is. appreciating our friends for everything they are, positives, areas of opportunity (hello corporate america) differences from ourselves and everything in between. this is why our friends usually last though the roller coaster ride that is the twenty/thirty something dating life. we look to them to give their rational opinion of the people we date, and often really listen to what they have to say. and if we are lucky, the people we date, become friends of our friends. they fit in, and our protectors accept them and life is good.

but before we get to the point where a significant other makes it through to ‘friend’ status, we usually put our core group through quite a bit of shenanigans with all the people we date. and i wonder, do we expect too much of our friends and their support and effort through OUR navigation of the dating process? well, ok, i expect a lot of my friends in general. so maybe i’ll rephrase. why is it that we are so quick to put our friends- our support system- in unfair, confusing and difficult positions while we are dating? Continue reading →

everything I touch turns to shit. everyone I try to love won’t hear of it, now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give. does anybody want it? does anybody want me?

ok. so, i suppose i should address the issue of the ‘pathetic and miserable dating life’ tweets that have been filling the universe lately. while i’d like to write about how i am happy in my singlehood and not having a pity party for myself… um that may be a little false. i am officially frustrated. do NOT read this as desperate, please. i’m not. i know everything is going exactly how it is supposed to. 

that being said, what GIVES. i would not ever consciously say that i am in a dating drought. cause a) i would LIKE to believe that i could be dating someone this very second if ’someone’ is who i would like to be dating. and b) i don’t really like the concept of dating just to date. so i’m not looking for just dating as sport. 

BUT. if i WERE i feel like i COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. sigh. there are some weird differences with chicago and SF in regards to dating. in chicago, i couldn’t go to a bar without being approached by a dude. 90% of the time said dude was absolutely not anything i wanted to deal with, but he was there. predictable as always. and when i went home without a number, or without giving one, i honestly believed it was my choice. and friends in chicago. well i had my close group of friends that understood, loved, supported, cared about and embraced me. and i met a million guys that never would get me. and that was life. and i was used to it and it was predictable and i could read it and plan for it.

but here. i feel like im playing a totally different ball game. like rugby. or something that looks like a game i know but has a different accent and different rules. in SF i have friends, a shocking amount, that GET me. like the real me. and love and support and understand and embrace all that is steph. but guys. well. um. i haven’t been approached by one. let me check my brain. nope not one. again. this is NOT pity party. this is rational observation time. that is all. Continue reading →

think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal. 

so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.

through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.

i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit. 

so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into. 

apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.

i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic. Continue reading →

well i guess you left me with some feathers in my hand. did it make it any easier to leave me where i stand? why’d you leave me till i’m only good for… waiting, for you. 

it’s all a game. and usually i’m ok with that. but recently, it’s just really been annoying me. i was speaking with a friend the other night. a friend that i have gotten to know because he has had a girlfriend(s) most of the time we have known each other. and therefore, his main focus is not sleeping with me, but just getting to know me. so we had our first analytical talk of the dating game. and his thoughts, though unbelievably clear, haven’t been sitting well. 

we discussed the ‘levels’ of the dating game. show interest/connection. create an event that jeopardizes that connection (fully knowing that your ‘connection’ will pull through thus intensifying it) then show vulnerability. and boom. they are hooked. and you can get to know one another, and date. or end it if you so desire. 

so i said to my friend ‘but how do you know if they are interested back?’ and he said, well, ‘they just always are.’ and this is where i am hung up. maybe its his confidence (cough cough) that got me thinking. or his assurance that the levels of ‘dating’ are the sure fire way, but it just seems off. like ingenuine, or something. to play that game without ever wondering if they will like you back. at what point does the ‘level’ of making yourself vulnerable become just that? a level, and the vulnerable part becomes only symbolic of actually being vulnerable? Continue reading →

yes yes no no no yes yes no no no yes yes no no no

you people in relationships… this one is for you. 

what the hell? lately it seems like the same thing keeps happening to many of my friends and me. we are wholeheartedly and consciously mislead while playing the dating game. by which i mean… we are flirted with, hit on by, connected to, and often given physical attention by possible suitors. and THEN told that said suitor has a a significant other. wtf.

for a while i had a few thoughts on this. mainly just based on my own experience. i had (?) a tendency to fall, hard, for boys with girlfriends. what would suck is that i would not know they had a girlfriend at the point which an honest connection was being made. recently, i asked some guy friends about this. and we came to a few conclusions. well mine different from theirs :). being the hopeless romantic that i am i  thought, that guys most certainly feel more comfortable being themselves around others when they are in a relationship. much like the safety average guy saviors of the dating world provide to their leading ladies. because no matter who we are, we are, on some level, concerned with what a potential suitor thinks of us. it’s the game. plain and simple. thus, if we are in a relationship we are not concerned with potential suitors’ judgmental thoughts and are therefore able to be who we are and confident in it. this ability to just embrace everything we are opens us up on a different level to connecting with others.  because, obviously, connection can’t happen if you are not being yourself. so i felt as though i was connecting with these boys on a real awesome (mutual!) level, which i was. and then, when there was no physical advancement quickly after, i thought this was an even BETTER sign. it meant that this was a real connection and it would go slowly and i had actually met someone worth getting to know and possibly date. so right, then i find out about their significant other. usually of multiple years. ugh. 

when i told my guys friends of my thoughts of having a real connection with boys with girlfriends they thought otherwise. and basically told me i was being silly romantic steph thinking that there was a connection. and that they were probably just being nice to me. screw that. when does a guy do ANYthing he doesn’t want to for the sake of being nice to someone that he is not interested in [sleeping with]?! not often. cause he doesn’t have to. so. i have somewhat moved on from my silly habit of falling hard for guys with significant others. i mean the real ‘falling for’ them. the killing myself to get over them months later ones. because at that age i was thinking that connection was connection and of course i’d rather see the person (even if secretly in love with them) and connect opposed to not see them at all. now, no. i have learned (ha, we’ll see) the value of not putting myself in situations where i know the outcome could be potentially sad. such as connection without it being able to go anywhere (because of things like a girlfriend, or distance, or major value conflicts). 

last paragraph- read: i blamed myself for the fact that a connection was made when they had a girlfriend. and now, all you in a relationship, i am taking that back.  it is YOU. not us lonely singles dying to have an honest connection and meet someone special. it is you. Continue reading →

so. it’s about that time. more about Shades Of Perspective….

so the goal of the site, as described, is to create a safe space on the internet to explore all things relationships. how did i get to the point where i knew what this ’space’ would actually consist of? i’m not sure, per se, except that there have always been a few things that puzzled me in regards to dating/relationships… well one main thing. we are not taught how to do it. 

maybe it is my obsessive need to analyze everything, or my undying fear of being made to look stupid for something, or my crazy inability to judge (or compassionate heart ; ), or my training and development background- but it seems to me that at the heart of society’s relationship complications is the little fact that no one is ever explicitly given information regarding how to have a healthy relationship. in our english language it seems to be easier sometimes to describe how NOT to do something, rather than how to DO something. or how to FIX something after it has gone wrong, rather than how to DO IT RIGHT in the first place. and dating/marriage is a perfect example of this. 

there is this whole group of people in our world (consisting of people like me!), that LOVE researching communication and relationships. and out of that research comes this awesome stuff called theory and data that actually could HELP the world have better relationships (!!). but unfortunately this uber valuable info is housed in these really big intimidating places, like amongst the shelves of university libraries, and not many people have the desire to venture that far to obtain some pretty uninteresting and dry coffee table reading material. not when we have US weekly or wired delivered right to our homes.

so. my goal. create a site that educates in an nontraditional (read: no libraries or term papers) way, allowing its users to have fun AND learn and grow! (how innovative!!)

therefore, i now would like to present the four main educational goals of Shades Of Perspective:

<3 encourage the understanding and acceptance of difference
<3 learn about what we want/need in a partner
<3 learn how to communicate in relationships and create lasting positive communication habits
<3 learn about how to meet and attract the right partner 

stay tuned… this is only going to get better…

all my love <3

stephanie

it feels like love love love, and it feels like touch touch touch 

so the macking game is interesting. and completely different for men and women, boy and girls. and apparently i have no game. in the literal and metaphorical way. because almost two weeks ago i decided that, just for sport, i would consciously get my mack on, if you will. i decided to get back into the game just to see how it goes. and to have fun, and get some attention and you know… be flirty. cause it’s fun. so i thought. 

the concept is fun, until i realized that i apparently have no game. i never thought it something i needed. i talk and laugh, a lot, and loudly. and that is usually enough to get some flirtations going (and equals zero effort because its, uhhh just who i am). but a few times recently i have set out with my boys on a quest of getting my mack on. to see if i could. and my boys mack their shit. and i go home in a cab alone. (which is fine by me, don’t think i’d want my mackee to be in the cab with me anyway) 

the point. instead of a full on mack session, it seems like i often just become the awkward third (or fifth) wheel in the situation. and im not sure why. well, i have some thoughts. Continue reading →

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy. 

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing. 

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know. Continue reading →

you’re chatting me, like we connect but I don’t even know if we’re still friends
 It’s so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do the things that I know I should do 
But i trip up and then i lose and i hate looking like a fool

wow. feel like some crazy person the way my thoughts about myself and dating seem to fluctuate lately. i think generally this is where i stand: i am in no hurry to jump into a relationship (hello 2.5 year break since my last), i am, however, open to meeting someone to get to know, i do need to take whatever it is with that someone slowly, i am not into this whole hook up culture, and like the giggly stuff… but THAT being said, i have a bone to pick. 

ok, this maybe is just a rant, so if you’re not into hearing curly redheads bitch, then maybe wait for the next post. but here is the thing. what does it take for a guy to ask for a girls number? it seems i have friends that get girls numbers all the time (and they call, usually, i’m not just talking sport). and because most girls are not like me, they had to ASK for those numbers. 

so my question, to you straight boys- what makes a girl worth asking for her number?! Continue reading →

on page one of chapter 24 in the story of my life i decided to move to san francisco. mostly in search of adventure and something new and exciting. and the first half of this chapter, as most enjoyable reading goes, came with a lot of character building and scene set up (grad school tests, job quitting, and goodbyes). however, the second half of this chapter has been much more… ummm, eventful. and serendipitous. and amazing. and whirlwind like.

and for those of you unaware of the happenings of chapter 24:pt1 the plan to was to get out here on the west coast. get a training and development/HR job. and begin to pursue my dream much more aggressively. and boy, was i surprised how the universe defined aggressively. 

7 days after moving to the city by the bay i started to meet the new cast of chapter 24:pt2. and the universe showed me its definition of aggressive. the next thing i knew i was going to techie events 2 and 3 nights a week, meeting new friends and thoroughly beginning to understand how exactly i could make a difference in this crazy world we live in- by using the interwebs, of course!

after soaking up everything my brian and heart could possibly hold at the Smart Marriages Conference 2008, and completing a two day intensive IMAGO Relationships Couples Course training (by the founders/my heros themselves!!!) my vision became instantly clear. 

i needed to build (well, thats where G comes in : ) a website for all things relationships. and that’s where my life and love took off. 

so here i am, months later: no training and development corporate america job, house/cat sitting in one of the nation’s hilliest neighborhoods, 2/3s of my belongings in storage, surrounded by some of the most amazing friends i could ever ask for, finishing up chapter 24. 

and as i close this chapter i intend to make these next four weeks wildly intense and go out with a bang!

therefore, it is with much excitement, stess, tears, giggles, laughs, fears, and love that i announce my new life: ShadesOfPerspective. 

Shades of Perspective will be a website for all things relationships. With entertaining and informative writing, events, and interactive features SOP aims to help twenty and thirty somethings navigate the difficult world of dating and relationships while having fun (duh!). 

so here is it is. the SOP mission statement. my life and love: 

Create and maintain a safe space on the internet that normalizes twenty&thirty something relational experiences while providing opportunities for relational education and growth. Thereby helping people better identify the real or perceived obstacles that are preventing loving relationships, and discover advantageous methods to overcome these obstacles prior to marriage and/or divorce. 

so keep posted. in the next few months this will only get better and better. and come on, don’t you want to be personally part of chapter 25? 

all my love <3

stephanie