giving up the awkward

this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.

at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.

and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.

i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.

but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.

is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?

jane austin, where have you gone? is it anyone’s fault, that we escape into our own defense… you don’t know what it’s like… to be american.

the ever awkward ‘date’

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy.

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing.

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know.

my last date was most certainly with my ex. and that’s different because first and foremost we had been dating forever. he and i never went on a date prior to ‘boyfriend/girlfriendness.’ and most importantly the main reason for the date was not to get to know one another, or spend time with one another, it was to experience the food and restaurant. and it was stressful, and expensive, and made me fat and broke. (sorry b). so add that experience to my thoughts of going on dates. and where does that leave me. not wanting to do THAT again.

and then there is this little thing that i most certainly learned from my pistol of an independent first woman to get her driving and real estate license in michigan of a grandma. don’t let someone put you in a position where you owe them. and they have something on you. (hence my inability to accept help without a fight)

so in our paradigm shift of  a dating world where the rules of traditional dating have not yet changed (dinner/drinks, boy should pay, probably hold hands) but we ‘want it all’ in regards to physical attention where does that leave us (me)? with the boy paying and then me owing him something.

again, i am not claiming that i’m not completely psychologically too independent for my own good, but i’m my grandmother’s granddaughter, as well as my entrepreneurial mother and only child father’s only child who knows how to change her tire (and has DONE it many times) has a graduate degree, that can pay for my own dinner and drinks thankyouverymuch.

so THESE are all the crazy things that come into my mind when i think about WHY i will most likely not get into a relationship via dating.

but who am i kidding. do i really know what i’m doing any other time i’m trying to date someone? um, no. i’m just like everyone else. trying to find a connection whilst being terrified of losing myself, being misunderstood, being expected to ‘owe’ something, being vulnerable and well… everything else.

so. i’m throwing it all out the window. because this weekend the idea of going out on a date, getting dressed up, having great conversation and connection, and being giggly for days after just sounded refreshing. and exciting. and who am i to know when and how i will get to know someone or start a relationship. and this way i know they are at least interested in getting to know me romantically. rather than building a deep intense friendship waking up in love one day not knowing at all how the other feels about me. what about THAT seems less awkward than someone paying for dinner or kissing me on my doorstep? geez steph. get a grip.

so there we have it. i will go on a date. i will enjoy it. i will wear a dress and if all goes well i will be giggly for days until the next.

(but i suppose i am overlooking the obvious… a gentleman caller to escort me on said date. ugh. remembering that apparently the type of boy i am attracted to and intrigued by is calm, quieter than i, and often shy… i probably won’t  be getting any date invites that surpass the previous 4 paragraphs of awkwardness and jump into exciting territory. and now comes the ever appropriate uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

i’m sure i’ll mess it all up i’m sure ill try to convince myself that i just need time to be….