reaching the first dating milestone

why am i not surprised by your condition, when you look at me and ask me what to do, and i say to you, “you need to think this through.”

so i have a few friends that are in this interesting spot of dating. and what really hits me is that they all begin to react to this dating milestone in the same manner.

i’m talking about the two or three month in, stop and think about where this is going, intersection. and i think this is a really hard spot in dating for all parties involved. it is this pivotal moment that demands our  attention and action.

it is usually in this period of time when you’ve gathered enough information about the person that you’ve been seeing/dating to know whether or not you wish to continue. yes, i believe that it takes a minimum of 3 months of dating to really begin to get an accurate understanding of who the other is, how they do/will/would fit into your life, and what the next few months could look like. what i see happening in my friends is the half unconscious half conscious evaluation of the costs and benefits of dating the person they are, understanding what they like and dislike about the person, and what comes next. and coincidentally my friends all seem to lean towards ending things rather than continuing.

what sucks for everyone involved is that when the three month period becomes this crossroad point of dating there is usually one party that wants to continue dating, enter the next milestone and commit to the relationship, and one person usually saying, “eh”. (because if both parties want to continue then this moment doesn’t inspire any introspection, and is usually skated through. and if both parties think that it is going nowhere then it usually doesn’t even last 3 months.) and the “eh” party has one of two choices: actively break it off with the other, or passively shut down and wait for the other to pick up on it. and i guess what i’m trying to get at is that owning up and breaking up with someone is as difficult as being broken up with.

obviously three months is long enough to become attached and know someone pretty personally. and for any relationship to get that far is an accomplishment, for both parties. but i think the reason that some people begin to shut down, and avoid dealing with the breakup is because they DO care about the other person. and therefore don’t want to do the hard thing- tell someone that they DO care about that they just don’t see a future with that person. it just doesn’t seem to fit.

and sometimes, there isn’t really a specific reason to give the other. sometimes what seemed right in week 6 of dating doesn’t in week 9. and to articulate that, in a sympathetic way, to someone you care about is ridiculously difficult. so, often, that conversation is avoided at all costs. or it is done over the phone, or over text. where the ‘dumper’ doesn’t have to see the disappointed face of someone they care about.

and really this just sucks for everyone. after having the initial ’shut down’ reaction, one of my friends decided NOT to go this route. decided to to have the difficult conversation.

and it was hard. and made me proud and thankful for the accountability attached to this breakup. and weaving this in with my lesson of 2008, i think that this is the way it should go.

this is probably the most common relational intersection. the moment of ‘is this going where i want it to.’ and so i am going to just throw a little nonjudgemental perspective into the wind. we have all been at this moment, and many of us will have numerous more pauses at this very intersection of life. and we have all probably been on both sides of the do i want to continue this fence. and it is hard to be on either. so my suggestion. be present in your dating life. chose that you want to continue or end with the person and own that decision. if perhaps you decide not to continue know that the greatest thing you can offer to that relationship at that moment is truth, honesty and accountability. and if you are the one wanting to continue, and the other doesn’t, know that you put in what you could and that the decision was difficult for them.

dating is hard. non of us want to be broken up with. but none of us want to be the bad guy either. so stay true to yourself and give the other person the courtesy of not having to deal with a jerk.

this is your own mess that you’ve got into
have a cigarette hope the best turns out for you
and i say you you need to think this through
why can’t we just laugh forget and move on
let’s make a toast from coast to coast for all the things we’ve done

the average guy- savior of the dating world

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.

so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.

i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).

so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.

and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.

so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.

so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak.  we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.

and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.