it’s about filling the funnel of life.

she said, “well, take off your sunglasses…” i said, “oh baby why don’t you take off your sunglasses.” she said, “i already have.”

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

“you can’t stop a story being told…”

connection with people that get it? yes, please.

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones put the words in my head.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?!

if i had to choose anything as my numero uno theme/life lesson of oh9 it would HAVE to be exactly that, CONSCIOUS ACTIONS. awareness of self and actions. so why, pray tell, was i so incapable of agreeing with his statement about planning, and being deliberate?

and last night, in another conversation with someone i don’t know very well, i said something else that immediately after made me say to myself, ‘wait a second i completely don’t believe what i just said.’ similar subject- understanding self and what works and balancing writing online with real life communication, preferably face to face.

so this is what i’ve come up with as reason for my uncharacteristic behavior. the universe loves me. and is listening, and providing me with exactly what i need in my life. people that get it. life, and connection, and action, and consequence, and risk, and goals, and dreams.

and after feeling pretty disconnected from life and people that last few months of oh9, i was so used to having to explain my new agey, be aware of who you are, and what you do, and make things happen for yourself mindset, that when i was speaking to people that got it i got confused and discombobulated in the conversation. not realizing that they were in the same place as i was. understanding the importance of the COMBINATION of thinking and acting. planning and doing.

also, it’s fun, and weird and crazy to be talking to someone that doesn’t know me very well, who is trying to explain to me the importance of thinking, and planning to make things happen. me! the think-a-holic! i’m so used to having to explain that not only do i think and analyze everything, but i act too! i act on things that i think about. and looking back on why i felt so unsettled after that conversation, so unlike i was able to express myself, i realize that it was because he already got it. the importance of the balance between thinking/planning and acting/doing. i didn’t have to explain the importance of one in compliment to the other. but i was so used to conversations going that way, i just enacted the routine unconsciously. whoa! talk about conversation/mindset shift.

maybe none of this made sense to anyone but myself. so i guess i’ll recap. i was left feeling oddly, uncharacteristicly, and probably unwarrantedly unsettled by my inability to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings on life, and self awareness and greatness in two separate conversations recently. and upon processing, i have come to the conclusion that i was assuming that they wouldn’t ‘get it.’ ‘it’ being how i think, what i feel, and my new agey theories on consciousness in life. i just assumed, and had the conversation as if the assumption were truth. because, i’d learned the hard way that it felt pretty sucky to think that someone got it, only to find out later that they didn’t. but little be known to me, i wasn’t giving the uni enough credit.

’cause these guys got it.

so, thanks universe. first, for the perspective. reminding me to stay conscious of what is, not what i think is. second, for sending me people that get it. i hope to see more of them.

(postscript. i had connections in late oh9. was just feeling disconnected in general. i’m clarifying to let you, my connections, know that you matter. then, and now.)

strength in my bones put the words in my head.

say anything. i want to know your plans.

interest and power. we’ve forgotten why we’re fighting.

we’ve been walking sideways, waiting for the cold days. finding strength in numbers, on the ocean floor.

lean mean thirteen.

it’s friday night, and i’m at home. alone. and was loving it. until 20/20 came on with a segment of true honest to goodness crazy old cat ladies. then i started to fall victim to thinking about what i am supposed to be doing because it’s friday. then i turned on music and shut out the ’supposed’ to thoughts.

i’m happy where i am. in bed, with laptop, tv on mute (for company reasons only), indie folk playing, alone, in my studio apartment in sf. the only thing that would make this better, ok, well i guess THAT was the wrong way to start that sentence, as a zillion things entered my head. try again: the one not so ok thing with this moment is my upstairs neighbors that are ruining my life with their hardwood floors, no rugs, three dogs, wooden shoes, constant vacuuming, unnecessarily loud conversations, and 95 people living in a 14×15 ft room. phew, got that out of me.

either way, i’m ok. with life. and right now. in fact, i’m good. and thinking about love.

a girlfriend of mine had a date this week, that she thought went really well. and was waiting for him to text, or call, or contact. and i suggested that maybe she text him. and she said that she’s always the one to contact, and this time she wasn’t going to. and i was right there with her. for quite a while that was me. and we are very similar. so i told her i got it. and then she retweeted something on twitter in response to me, that really really got me thinking. she said @stephdub RT Dating Tip: He who calls more has the most interest and the least control. I can’t say it enough…let HIM call YOU!

and i had some weird sort of view of myself, from what seemed like years ago, but in reality, i don’t know when this girl left. but that tweet made me realize it was for real. my immediate response was enlightening.

you see, i realized that it seems like, in dating, in big cities, as successful smart attractive intelligent people, we have forgotten the real purpose of dating. well, at least what i think a lot of us want the purpose to be. to meet someone with whom we connect.

it has turned into such a game. a game of power, and control, and winning. but that has really just manifested from loneliness, and missed connections, and longing. i want it. i want that someone that i connect with, to be here, with me in sf. she wants it too, to be with her. and so on.

we get so wrapped up work, and life, and success, and winning, that we forget to stress the importance, and allowance of opening up, and making ourselves available for connection. i say we as in society, not her, nor me, individually. we place so much pride and value on success and power, and the way to get that is through rationale and strategy. we have completely devalued, and thereby, disallowed any sort of emotions and feelings, in space where feeling are what are supposed to be leading the way. winning the game.

maybe it’s all this feeling i’ve been letting myself do. maybe it’s a recent reconnection that reminded of its value. maybe it’s seeing someone i care about go through the exact same thing that i am. maybe its longing. maybe its hope. maybe its trust. maybe it desperation. but i want to remember now, the purpose of dating. to meet someone. to connect. to laugh. to share. to support. to enjoy. to embrace.

let’s get back there. together. maybe, yea?

we’re thinking with our brains, we’re living in our veins, we’re swimming in our skin, grinning through our pain. here we go.

tiger tamer. arms.

you give me more than you’ll ever know

kiss me and tell me it’s not broken. kiss me and kiss me ’till i’m dead.

in astrology, the 9th house in a chart is all about higher learning. it covers academic subjects, higher education, cultural learning, publishing, foreign travel, and philosophy.

and in any house, the specific plants in that house, and what sign rules that house affect a person at the level of core being in those areas of life.

i have a few key elements in my ninth house. first, it is ruled by sagittarius. which means that i am on a constant quest for knowledge, which will add to my understanding of the world. i enjoy travel, study, and philosophy- anything that sparks this quest. also, i have jupiter (conjunct uranus) in my ninth house. jupiter, being the planet of abundance, luck, and fortune. therefore it means that i will have a tendency for abundance in the areas that the ninth house represents- higher education and travel (uh, you think?). and lastly, my south node is in my ninth house. the nodes are not planets, but basically energy forces that affect a person like a planet. the north node’s placement in a house represents the area of one’s life that will be an area of constant learning and lessons. essentially, your lesson in this life to learn. the house with the south node, thereby represents an area of extra comfort. the area that one goes to retreat after dealing with the challenges and life lessons of the north node placement.

sagittarius, jupiter, and south node- all in my house of travel and higher learning. this may help give you an idea of how important travel is to me.

traveling gives me perspective. in all sorts of ways. it calibrates my compass for life. and it seems that my relationships in nola seem to adjust, or confirm, or validate, or highlight everything in my life that i like, need, want to change, push for, yearn for, desire, and am. the connections i have there do all of the above things unlike anywhere else.

there are lots of layers underlying my connections and relationships in new orleans. an interconnectedness of people that i’ve met at all different places and times in my life. they all mean something to me that is directly correlated to how deeply i care for, and feel connected to them now. my connections, each individual story of how i met every single person i know in nola is a true testament to the universe’s grand plan and higher purpose. it includes a best friend’s boyfriend, someone that represents love, acceptance, romance and risk, someone that believed in my ability and personal cause, someone that opened their home to me, someone i met the day i got my perspective tattoo that gives me immense inspiration, someone that welcomed me into a group of friends, and many, many more. all of whom touch my soul.

it’s the people. my relationships. the energy of the city. so thank you, nola. for weaving an intricate  web of connections, purposes, lessons, opportunities, emotions, and perspective. without you, i’d not be who i am today.

my love for you is better than dying arms, to you, everything i bestow. and tomorrow i’ll be dancing on my own, and i’ll need a kiss from you for my head that’s aching.

‘To You I Bestow’ – Mundy

Posted: November 3rd, 2009 | Author: steph | Filed under: trusting the universe | Tags: astrology, connection, dating, feelings, jupiter in the ninth house, love, new orleans, ninth house, nola, perspective, relationships, travel | 1 Comment »

logistical life just getting in the way of connection

hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery.

so i’ve had this theory for a while. about the beginning stages of dating. specifically like the first ‘date’ time frame. and as i was going to write about this theory as it pertains to the last boy i met (the one that i was most certain wouldn’t amount to anything), he went and blew my theory.

but not to worry. as things played out, his exception ended up proving the rule. (mind you being right and smart when it leaves you single and alone really equals a wash.) so here we go.

i think that the harder it is to ‘get together’ when you first meet someone the less likely anything will come of it. i mean, ok, duh you say. but hear me out. i think that the more difficult it is to reconnect the less you remember the reasons you wanted to get to know each other in the first place. more importantly, i think that a lot of good and possible connections get totally lost because of the logistical nightmares that are our busy lives. and this is sucky.

there is a small range of time where the excitement of meeting someone will light you with a fire to plow through the routine of life and work to meet up. but if for some reason, schedules get in the way and make it logistically difficult to meet up within this small window of time, the chances that you actually will diminish exponentially.

let me give an example. two people meet, say, at a bar. they hit it off. they both have an active life, single and on the go (read: population SF). and since they meet on a weekend they wait to connect via phone until early in the week. they connect and it is great, suggest meeting up the next weekend. but, unfortunately one of them has plans to go out of town. plans that were made long before they met the cute someone at the bar. so they agree to reconnect post out of town weekend. and by this point we are looking at ten plus days since the initial meeting. and to keep with a general comfort zone of first date timing, this date will most likely take place on a weekend. so by this point, the two have connected and got excited and then had to live their normal lives for nearly two weeks before the possibly of continuing that excitement even enters the picture.

it is at this point that after a few hits and misses of hanging out, all merely due to scheduling, one or both of the parties fall victim to the annoyance of scheduling and awkwardness of it not working out and look the excitement and initial connection in the eye and say, “whatever, see ya later.” the stupid rational everyday life stuff just gets in the way of pursuing a possible connection.

and this little fact of life sucks. so as much as we have been taught to follow to the “rules” of dating, and wait a few days before calling. and this and that…. just don’t. because life will get in the way. make it happen.

i have seen this same thing happen over and over, in my own life, and in others’. and it is ultimately disappointing. and the rational one in my says, “well steph, if they liked you enough they would make it work.” but i swear, that is not the case. cause three weeks is a long time to try and remember what it was that sparked some sort of interest one night in a bar. and the connection becomes a memory that incites zero feeling after a while.

this is just annoying. that’s all.

for the record. that boy that i thought would lead no where actually texted me two weeks after our last contact. asking what i was doing that night. we tried to arrange to meet up that night, and he ended up working late. and the rest is history. done and done.

so say goodbye to love,
and hold your head up high.
there’s no need to rush
we’re all just waiting, waiting to die.

breakable girls and boys

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys.

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that.

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly.

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out.

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed.

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twentysomething midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak.

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

connection is connection, who am i to criticize how it is formed?

we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information.

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this.

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right.

and i teeter between thinking this is just a way to dig ourselves deeper into dating/relationship purgatory and thinking that it’s healthy to play the dating game and it’s ok to know that someone is not the ‘one’ and keep dating them. so i was talking to a friend of mine who is on a dating website. and he is most certainly in the “i don’t want to jump into anything serious again but i do want to meet a cool girl that i don’t have to see everyday but i can see whenever i want that is hot and wants to hook up with me even when i only see her every two weeks but i want to be able to meet other girls too and not feel bad but really if the perfect girl came along i would totally snap out of this and do things right” stage. yes, i clearly have an opinion about this ;). but we were talking about a girl he met and went on a date with and he was like “i dunno, she’s well… nah, it didn’t work.”  i reply, “well what was one thing?” him, “she so didn’t look like her picture.” and we got into how it sucks because there are some really cute girls on the site smiling/poking/winking (or whatever flirtatious nonverbal movement the site uses) but it’s annoying that they want to email for like two weeks. and ask how many siblings he has, and what are his hobbies and blah blah blah. and i’m going to go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt that he finds this annoying because he would just rather go on a date to find these things out (the things i do to protect my boys from my own criticism). but thinking back to his “she didn’t look like her pictures” comment made me realize something. he was most certainly NOT looking for what they are looking for. someone to date. he was looking for above super crazy unrealistic perfect guy situation girl.

where am i going with this. somewhere, i promise. so, this morning, while reading said comment on my last post it hit me. the things we find out from these social media sites are exactly the things that my friend was annoyed with having to discuss in email. the things that DO matter in a relationship. similarities, and interests, and hobbies. so this is good. but what really matters, is that, oddly finding out about someone, or ‘meeting’ someone on these social media sites slows things down immensely. you’re not fighting off your attention needing hormones and liquid courage induced flirtations.

i don’t know rickt (in all traditional senses of the word know). but somehow, based off of mutual interests and ‘getting to know’ each other via communication (!) we have created some sort of genuine connection. that had nothing to do with seeing each other across the bar and wanting to go home that night. woah. there’s hope after all!

maybe i can chalk up my self sabotage talk to my newness of fully embracing the techie world. back in the midwest my accountant, PR, sales, and other non internet/computer based career friends and i thought we were being stupid and embarrassing to talk about someone’s myspace and facebook profiles (and, no, they don’t even know of twitter) in public. and there’s still a part of me right there with them, even with all the life style change i’ve embraced over the last three months. yet, they are still on myspace and facebook because, yea, it IS our life now.

so thanks cali, for keeping it honest. duh, we all use social media sites. maybe my seeing it as self sabotage is a bit of midwestern induced embarrassment for living my life so entwined in the interwebs and not IRL. but, as “i <3 my internet friends” solidifies… what’s so wrong with that? connection is connection. and let’s be honest, no matter how we go about dating… it what we are all really after.

and i don’t think i’m better than you
but i don’t think that i’m worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men

the friends of the opposite sex catch 22

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22.

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh.

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. why did all my relationships begin with friendship. i guess you could say i’m old school. i believe in connection and intimacy (emotional, mental, and then physical). i’m also very expecting of my friends/boyfriends. i also have issues around being vulnerable and needy. those issues + expecting = it takes a lot for me to trust you (read: connect and become intimate). so, if it is not already OBvious ;), this means that friendship acts as the vehicle that transports me to my end destination: trust and connection. and i find that this is just good. its like friendship (since moment one) lowers the stakes of putting myself all out there. cause, if you don’t like what i’m brining to the table as a friend (a person)- then cool, we won’t be friends. i mean, when do we associate the term ‘rejection’ with friendship… not often. whereas with dating, we play the same ‘get to know you, put yourself out there game’ but if the other person doesn’t like what we bring to the table, then it is just sucky, and rejection. and no matter how high your self esteem, enough rejection will affect you. so there we have it. the why behind my prerequisite of frienship prior to boyfriend/girlfriendness.

now, the trickery of said prerequisite (which, now that i think about it, could actually be considered to have the same side effects as purposefully avoided rejection…hmmm). since this friendship connection usually takes a while to grow, the following questions are a must to consider: when and how do you then move the relationship from friendship category to romantic/dating category? and how do you know if the other one is even interested in taking it from one to the next? how do you know you want to move to romance? and what do your other friends think about it? is is possible they saw it coming/growing? is it worth the risk of not working and losing such a good friend? does physical attraction diminish after being friends for so long? and, once more for emphasis, when and how do you initiate this relationship transformation? mind you, all of these ‘must consider’ questions i am always unable to answer.

and honestly, its not like i’m thinking about all this throughout the growth of friendship. basically, i wake up one day, deep into the friendship, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that i want to be more than just friends. and because its been unconsciously building up for all this time, i hits me HARD.

therefore, i find myself in a situation that is paradoxical to the ‘high stakes get to know you dating game’ conundrum – the “high stakes this could ruin something good how do i know how he feels without telling anyone how i feel?” game. basically, if the decision is made to go for it romantically, then it becomes an all or nothing situation. because once i have identified that i want it to be romantic, there really is no going back (the ultimate guys and girls can be just friends death sentence is when one wants more than the other).

so what the hell do i do now? just when i thought i wasn’t unconsciously undermining my dating life…

chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).

romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.

so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).

so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long,  and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.

so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.

so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.

call, break it off. call, break my own heart… maybe i woulda been something you’d be good at. maybe you coulda been something i’d be good at. but now we’ll never know.