i laugh… loudly. it just is.

keep your eyes open all the time and I think you’ll find, there’s no place to hide and the world is alive

there’s something fascinating, and endlessly entertaining about getting to know yourself. and then accepting yourself for everything you are.

and i encourage every single person i’ve ever met to do it. understand who you are. why you are. what you are. get rid of what was given to by others. and fill it in with who you want to be.

this entire process will take approximately… your lifetime. but in reality, the fun starts a few years in.

it’s crazy what knowing yourself, and liking all those teeny things that make up who you are will do for your ability to connect with people.

lately, i feel connected. in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me, or scare me. or lead me on. it simply feels, well, simple. we’re all human. we’re all different. we all have intricate, messy, complicated glorious stories of what got us here. right here. and those stories are no one else’s but ours. how exciting is THAT?! yea, i know, you’re thinking the SF heatwave has gone to my head, but no. it hasn’t.

recently, i read two articles (whoa, i’m just realizing that they were both from paste magazine) that really affected me. one was about a well known celebrity (of whom i’ve had a crush on since i was 11) and another a musician. both men. both amazingly, unbashedfully, and wholeheartedly affected by the human condition. by words. by connection. by people. by their stories.

so if you know me, you’ll know that i have a propensity to crush, hard, on certain artist types. some of whom happen to be well known (celebrity). but the fact that i’m so affected by these strangers spirals me into weird and crazy ‘i don’t know you, this is unhealthy’ land. so i have to seriously avoid reading about, or listening to these boys.

and the only way i can explain my craziness to others, explain my crush, my longing for connection with these boys- they get it. they get what it’s like to connect.

maybe it’s the rediscovery of my feelings, and allowing my self to love them, or something, but i just get overwhelmingly excited and hopeful when i see evidence that someone else gets it. like i do. that we’re all in this together.

and where does this leave me right now? basically, that i don’t need to explain it any more.

that i am in love with connection. that i love nothing more than to get to know someone. to connect with someone. through conversation. through music. through sharing. through being. through asking.

other things about me that just are. and i’m ok with them, because they make up who i am:
when i hear a song i love, i play it on repeat. for as long as necessary.
apples and cheese is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable dinner
i am really much worse than i thought at doing dishes, i hate them
and laundry.
when i’m channeling patience, tact and appropriateness in conversation i take short quick breaths.
i maybe like cuddling more than i thought.
i’m obsessed with words.
i’m very deliberate with them.
i have faith in the process. even if i’m not sure what process it is.
i laugh loudly.
my hair will always be… everywhere.
my coffee table cluttered.
i need to talk through things to figure them out.
i love listening to friends, and friends that listen to me.
i will never, ever, be able to quit ice cream.
and i like boys. and it can be that simple.

so for a while, i’ll focus on connecting with people that get it. maybe one of them will be romantic. maybe not. maybe it won’t matter.

there’s a song at the heart of it all and we all try hard
just to write it down but you can’t write it down

ezra furman and the harpoons. the world is alive.

i just called to say…

in fact here’s just another ordinary day

recently i switched mobile phone carriers. it was a stressful transition. and took coaching from many. being with a cell phone company for 7 years is like an intense relationships that you have to break off in stages. it’s like it started out all sunshine and roses with a cute little blue rubber flip phone. and service for miles and miles. and family plans. and free mobile to mobile calls to long distance BFs. and then one of you move across the country and the other one is punishing you for getting new friends and wanting to talk to them on the phone. and actually be able to make AND receive calls in your *gasp* home. and the other one just keeps teasing you with the memory of the good times. and cheap “loyalty- unlimited rates.” manipulating you into thinking that you could never afford unlimited everything from another carrier.

well, i made the switch. and it’s been a month. and it’s been fine. great even. except for today. because today i remembered 139 minutes too late that i no longer have an unlimited talk plan. because, in fact, i couldn’t really afford it. and i used so few on my old carrier that i figured all would be fine. oh right, i used so little because i didn’t have SERVICE IN MY HOUSE. which meant that I COULDN’T TALK ON MY PHONE TO USE THOSE MINUTES.

i digress. today was one of those twilightzone days. where for the majority of the day, i actually felt like i was living my life outside myself. and watching what was actually happening thinking… wait… is this happening? aren’t i supposed to be thinking that this is weird? but then continue anyway.

you see, today i talked on the phone with TWO, count em, TWO friends that i had NEVER before talked with on the phone. one of the conversations was an hour and a half. and the other 35 minutes. and guess what. it wasn’t weird. it was perfect.

technology has made us all (well, not all, thanks friends) scared to do the one thing that comes the most naturally to humans. connect. and talk. we’ve created a million different ways to actually avoid connecting with the invention of texting, facebooking, direct messaging, blah blah blah.

i remember staying up all night talking on the phone in eighth grade. i had my own phone line. and i used it. i have no idea what i found to talk about for 7 hours a night. but it didn’t matter. i was connecting. to my best friend, or the boy a had a crush on, or new friend. and when the phone rang, i didn’t actually know who was on the other line. and it DIDN’T give me so much anxiety that i let every call go to my answering machine. no, i answered the phone… never thinking, why is HE calling me? and i didn’t get all weird. and not know how to talk. or worry about what to talk about. or carrying the conversation if there was an awkward silence. i just connected.

well, somewhere along the path of overwhelmed with constant stimulation technology revolution i forgot how to connect. and have been slowly trying to regain that ability. and not avoid checking my voicemails for 3 weeks because then i would have to call someone back. and not let my friends go to voicemail because i wasn’t expecting them to call, so i can’t possibly imagine what they want, so i want to hear it in recorded form, not live so that i don’t have to respond right away.

because guess what. talking on the phone with someone you like (non romantic and romantically) is amazing. it’s like a little piece of heaven. it’s real connection. and it’s not awkward. and there’s NOTHING to worry about. it doesn’t matter that you’ve never talked on the phone. you’re not going to run out of things to say (honestly, i feel like i’m in an opposite day universe when admitting that this is one of my most common phone fears). and when the conversation is over. that’s ok.

today i used up a quarter of my monthly minute allowance. why? because i didn’t even think about those minutes as they were passing. and i enjoyed connecting with people that i wanted to talk to. talking on the phone with someone for the first time is exhilarating. you get to hear their phone voice. and be surprised that it’s totally not what you thought it’d be like. and you get to create a rhythm and flow to the conversation. a unique pattern of tone and inflection and pauses true only to the two of you. and you get to listen. and care.

today i received a 6:15am phone call from someone that i’d never spoken to on the phone before. i have text log for miles. but never pressed ‘dial.’ actually, the call was a response to a text i sent when i woke up. assuming that he’d receive it when he woke, because no one i know is actually as crazy as i am to be at work by 7am. and as i was putting my kettle on for coffee my phone rang. and i looked, and though, what? 6:15 am? why is HE calling me? and in my general confused, possibly hungover, and foggy state i didn’t over think, or analyze, or wait to hear the voicemail. i answered the damn phone. and proceed to talk for an hour and a half. all the way through getting ready for and driving to work. and it was just enjoyable. and calm. and not awkward. nor boring. it was real connection.

a few hours later, i received a message from another friend. a friend whose correspondence has only been in person, or in writing. she said let’s arrange a call, i have an update. i said, still thrown from my previous intense monday morning connection call, ok. and she called. and dove right it. there was no awkward “we’ve never talked on the phone before, is it going to be weird?” moment. why not? because THAT IS A CRAZY WEIRD THING I’VE MADE UP IN MY HEAD. we’ve been talking on the phone for years. and it works. easily. and it’s really really nice.

so today, friends, i thank you. for reminding me of how ‘connected’ actually feels. and shutting up my awkward obsession for the day. and for calling. i can’t wait to do it again…. i just think i’ll have to up my monthly ‘peak’ minutes.

also, at lunch, while processing my morning call i remembered this article i read a few weeks ago. and the world came full circle once again. talk deeply, be happy.

….and I mean it from the bottom of my heart

it’s about filling the funnel of life.

she said, “well, take off your sunglasses…” i said, “oh baby why don’t you take off your sunglasses.” she said, “i already have.”

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

“you can’t stop a story being told…”

connection with people that get it? yes, please.

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones put the words in my head.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?! Read the rest of this entry »