the friends of the opposite sex catch 22

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22.

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh.

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. why did all my relationships begin with friendship. i guess you could say i’m old school. i believe in connection and intimacy (emotional, mental, and then physical). i’m also very expecting of my friends/boyfriends. i also have issues around being vulnerable and needy. those issues + expecting = it takes a lot for me to trust you (read: connect and become intimate). so, if it is not already OBvious ;), this means that friendship acts as the vehicle that transports me to my end destination: trust and connection. and i find that this is just good. its like friendship (since moment one) lowers the stakes of putting myself all out there. cause, if you don’t like what i’m brining to the table as a friend (a person)- then cool, we won’t be friends. i mean, when do we associate the term ‘rejection’ with friendship… not often. whereas with dating, we play the same ‘get to know you, put yourself out there game’ but if the other person doesn’t like what we bring to the table, then it is just sucky, and rejection. and no matter how high your self esteem, enough rejection will affect you. so there we have it. the why behind my prerequisite of frienship prior to boyfriend/girlfriendness.

now, the trickery of said prerequisite (which, now that i think about it, could actually be considered to have the same side effects as purposefully avoided rejection…hmmm). since this friendship connection usually takes a while to grow, the following questions are a must to consider: when and how do you then move the relationship from friendship category to romantic/dating category? and how do you know if the other one is even interested in taking it from one to the next? how do you know you want to move to romance? and what do your other friends think about it? is is possible they saw it coming/growing? is it worth the risk of not working and losing such a good friend? does physical attraction diminish after being friends for so long? and, once more for emphasis, when and how do you initiate this relationship transformation? mind you, all of these ‘must consider’ questions i am always unable to answer.

and honestly, its not like i’m thinking about all this throughout the growth of friendship. basically, i wake up one day, deep into the friendship, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that i want to be more than just friends. and because its been unconsciously building up for all this time, i hits me HARD.

therefore, i find myself in a situation that is paradoxical to the ‘high stakes get to know you dating game’ conundrum – the “high stakes this could ruin something good how do i know how he feels without telling anyone how i feel?” game. basically, if the decision is made to go for it romantically, then it becomes an all or nothing situation. because once i have identified that i want it to be romantic, there really is no going back (the ultimate guys and girls can be just friends death sentence is when one wants more than the other).

so what the hell do i do now? just when i thought i wasn’t unconsciously undermining my dating life…

chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).

romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.

so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).

so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long,  and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.

so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.

so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.

call, break it off. call, break my own heart… maybe i woulda been something you’d be good at. maybe you coulda been something i’d be good at. but now we’ll never know.