alone.

today i feel alone. and this series of thoughts that will eventually be called a post is going to be much more raw than most of the other posts this month. nothing new for me, or from me, but it does feel a little strange and open given the surrounding posts. but alas, i’m here writing, in theory, to myself, because i need to talk. i need to tell someone. and probably no one will get it. and that lack of understanding is more more digestible when i can’t see it. so this is going in writing, not speaking.

today i feel alone. that’s it. not lonely, though alone could include lonley. it seems that the more i work on myself, learning, growing, striving to be conscious and right, the more i feel alone in the process.

last night a friend said something to me that i’m sure was not intended to make me feel the most understood and, simultaneously, misunderstood i have probably ever felt. she said (in paraphrase), ‘it seems like your advanced knowledge of relationships, your subject and expertise, sometimes just comes back to get you because you’re more aware of everything than the people you have relationships with.’  and for a moment i felt understood in the catch22 that seems to be my life.

you see, because self awareness and the eternal search for growth and goodness is a purely personal thing, if the person with which you are interacting is not ready, willing, or aware of their own self, but you are, there is an instant impasse in the relationship. and then what do you do? you’ve identified that to be true to yourself and serve your higher purpose, a change needs to happen. but if that person is not at a place to accept your needs then it is up to you to make that change for yourself. which often leads to distancing yourself from that person. which then equals a) more aloneness, b) (most likely) a misunderstanding on behalf of the other, which probably then leads to some sort of negative energy passed. both of which feel icky. probably just like the thing that inspired the ‘need to change’ in the first place.

all of this leads me to the unsettling realization that the majority of us are operating, the majority of the time, strictly in defense mode and with unconscious intent. and when that is met with conscious intent the defenses spiral even more, smothering the purpose of that conscious interaction. yea it’s new agey in its wording, but there is really no other way to say it.

mostly what i’m feeling right now in life is a major lack of people and connections in my life that are focused on conscious intent and genuine care. even more unfortunate is that many of the people i have relationships with in my life are being driven by the autopilot mode of defense and project their perceived understanding and supposed ‘figured out’ thoughts of my life onto me. and what’s worse is that those projected defenses are false. because i was never even consulted in the decision making process. because, again, they may think that they know, but that mere fact (that they think they do) means they absolutely don’t. but since they are acting unconsciously, i am treated in response to what they think they know. and this seemingly unending cycle is utterly draining and distracting once you become aware of it. making it that much more difficult for me to be me, in a conscious state.

this makes me feel alone. in my process. in my own head. in my own life. in my own needs. all of it. and aloneness is a complex and tricky concept. it is calming and allows one to just be. but that okayness with self is constantly toeing the line of ‘wall building’ and shutting others out. which is, ultimately, a bigger problem because ‘walls up’ equal defenses which equal exactly that which you are trying to rid yourself. it’s like the mind and soul are unconsciously choosing, without your knowledge, the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ mentality despite all efforts towards the opposite.

i’m choosing, consciously, to not go there. but that means that i am consistently navigating the terrain of ‘alone,’ testing the boundaries learning through challenge, difficulty and hurt where those lines are.

so today, i feel alone. and that’s it. i’m not trying to be ok with it. or identify if i’m not ok with it. i’m just trying to stay within the present. and most likely, you will not get this post. on a mental, logical level nor emotional spiritual level. but at this point that’s ok. because it’s not about you. and it’s not about needing you to understand. it’s about me. and feeling this. and being with complete and utter absence of concern for you. and your thoughts. your feelings. your projections. or your needs.

all things romance, romantical, and romantic

it’s a saturday afternoon romance between a cowboy and a fool…

i think i’ve been feeling (for lack of a better word) lonely lately. and because of that, all things romantical have been on my mind. and since i kept using the word ‘romantic,’ i realized that it seems to be this intangible thing- difficult to define. like umm love. everyone has a different definition. romance/romantic can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, a feeling and probably any other component of language we could think of. yet, everyone defines it differently.

so how is one supposed to be romantic, or experience romance if each of us defines it differently? there have been a few things in the last few weeks that made me croon with romantical feelings (read: become blue with envy, yes blue=sad) and they were all so different.
first, a friend of mine from high school got married. and he is younger than i, and all his friends were poking fun of him at the wedding for being the guy that had a new girl every week. one said, “and he’d call me and be like, ‘dude, i met this girl and she is so cool…’” another, “then he’d call me and be like, ‘no really i think this is the one, i really like her’” and the next “no it was more like, ‘i met this girl, she’s so awesome, i want to see her all the time.’” and they were all commenting on how its shocking that he is the first one to get married and they are so surprised (!!). and all i could think of (odd since i was one of those girls for a week) was how romantic it was that he believed in love and romance enough to keep trying to find the one. he was an active participant in making love in his life. or at least trying. he wasn’t calling and saying “dude, i met this girl she’s so hot.” every one of his friends unconsciously quoted him talking about how he liked her, as a person. <— romantic.

second, after reading my last post about my one sided love with said chicago boy a guy friend of mine was assuring me that i wasn’t crazy for doing what i was (crazy things). he said, quite simply, “there’s nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel quote-unquote romantic” and wow, was he right. the possibility of something so impossible actually happening is so inspiring and fantastical that it feels like romance. like, “look at the odds against us.” or, “listen to this serendipitous way we met! the stars were on our side…” fantasy-like = romantical.

third, a girlfriend of mine went on a date with the guy she’s been seeing. and to anyone else, the events of that night were probably very ‘normal-date’ like. but i was very hung up on the sole fact that they had a date night. time set aside for each other even though friends get along. wanting to spend alone time together on a typical ‘go out’ night = romance.

so i asked a few of these friends what romance actually meant to them. and the first response was pretty standard – “little things that he knows I like, or flowers, or surprises.” and i realized then that those standard definitions were not really what i was thinking of in my mind. but i couldn’t quite express what it was that i was thinking of.
and apparently after hearing my fumbling words, inappropriate for the ‘over drinks before a night out’ situation, they contemplated my seemingly out of place examples of romance (above) and seemed to get it a little more than i thought.
one said that romance is simply making an effort. and i agree. but, in my idealistic and *romantical* crazy brain, i hope that our awkward evolution of dating cannot be defined as effortless=acceptable and anything more= romantic. so i am going to piggyback onto her idea and make my personal adjustments to her simple, yet accurate assessment.
i think that romance is being positively present. and yes, here i go with my combination of new age and corporate HR terms, but it is as simple as that. i think that being conscious of what you are doing can honestly equal romance. instead of analytically fleshing this out, i’ll give you an antonymous analogy of what i mean. haven’t you ever, or heard of a friend who has become unhappy in a relationship because they are bored and feel like they are “going through the motions?.” come home from work, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed. oh yea, and the bf/gf is there too. those relationships where people are unhappy are those in which the people are just going through the motions. like getting out of a car and not being able to remember the drive. going through life, love, and relationships unconsciously, un-present.
being present is simply being conscious of yourself, and your actions. and doing them with positive intent. and this quite quickly spirals into romance in our brain. its easy. and can mean a million different things. but the best part- you’ll always be right about what is ‘romantic’ to your partner. because ‘right’ = effort… or presence.

so any easy fix to any and all dating(or lack there of) rut- become conscious of what you are doing. be present in dating. have the conversations. keep looking for the right one. surprise her with her favorite ice cream. buy him his favorite magazine. go to your favorite bar together. think about what you are doing. and smile. and do it with positive intent. and life will be romantic. and inspiring.