social media and my obsessive need to find info that i should not know …

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets.

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy!

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed.

after finding myself spiraling into planning my marriage to a boy i’ve never met this weekend, i have come to the conclusion that social media sites encourage and foster an unhealthy one way relationship that may just lead to setting unrealistic expectations (read: let downs, sadness, and heartbreak).

nowadays we are able to, really, find out just about anything we want to know regarding someone and their standing in our lists of “perfect partner qualities.” i will not reiterate my love in a time of social media post, however, the ability to check of the boxes on our lists based on information that we learned via social networking sites really just encourages the the one person rise up the relationship ladder (read: me literally super sad that my girlfriend met my ’soul mate’ last week in chicago and because he lives there he and i are not able to get married. what.?!.) now, how did i know he was my soulmate?

well, first and foremost, she told me that i would love him. and, let’s be honest, thats probably enough ;). but she then began to *list* the reasons why. (see aforementioned examples of things that possibly make up someone’s list). and then she sent me his blog. and THEN it spiraled (love in a time of social media, again). and next thing i knew i was starting at pictures of him on myspace whilst reading his about me and wholeheartedly feeling heartbroke because he lives in another state (one i just moved out of!!) and therefore i will never be with the love of my life. . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

nothing. he fit, quite perfectly, all the things on my easy to check off list. but, oh yea- we’ve never met, may never meet, live across the country… and he likes my girlfriend. so what now?

i’m left feeling sad, undesired, and like i will not find the one boy in SF that owns coffee shops, women’s vintage clothing stores, internet start-ups, music venues, and owns and fixes photo booths. but in ACTUALITY, it has nothing to do with him as a person at all. because i don’t know him. and, honestly, i shouldn’t give up on the san fran smart entrepreneurial chuck wearing 5 o’clock shadow having photo booth loving sensitive boy who believes in ‘good people’ and midwestern values all while riding his bike with his buddy holly glasses population- lucky 13 has to have at least one that will fit my needs.

but until i find him, i’m making a conscious effort to NOT turn into crazy myspace stalker girl, sabotage my dating life, and quickly and easily find ‘box’ checking info. even if it is flaunting itself in my face waiting for me to find.

so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen…

venus square saturn – love in a time of social media

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them.

we share our entire lives on these sites. why? for a million and one reasons… but quite simply, its addicting as all get out. humans are addicted to attention- and putting our entire lives on the inerwebs for others to see and experience is a sure fire way to feel like somebody cares. whether that/those somebodies are our friends, strangers, acquaintances, boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, people we don’t know or, god forbid, people we want to know.

so we put everything about us onto the information super highway and buckle up for a crazy relational ride. because, the thing about knapp’s staircase model is that it is an interpersonal relationship model. that means between two people. and this interpersonal model relies on specific communication checks and balances that ensure that stepping onto the next tier of the relationship is mutually decided. and the best thing about these theories and stairs is that you and i, every day daters, don’t need to really even be aware that there are checks and balances as we navigate through our relationships… they just happen. or did. until social media.

we currently find ourselves in a place in time where stepping up the stairs ( consciously or unconsciously) can happen without the other parter even knowing.

lets break this down. pre social media days:

stage one -initiating- first meeting with another, attempt to appear pleasant and likeable (read: dance at the bar, buy a drink for someone at the bar, meet at the supermarket in the deli aisle, meet someone on the bus/at the park/ or doing any other common activity)
stage two -experimenting- discovering the unknown, limited commitment, appears casual (ask for phone number, go on a date, discuss family, discuss life/employment/hobbies)
stage three- intensifying- self disclosure increases, and we reveal a lot more, “we” pronouns are used, expressions that we have, little code words that no one else knows (’dating’, discussing future/hopes/fears, sharing secrets)
stage four – integrating- intensification of intimacy, close friends involved, disclosure increases, continuation of stage three, begin to formulate opinions as a couple (say, “we are doing this”, others treat you as a couple, there is romance, common property, common space)
stage five- bonding- for all simple purposes this is a formal commitment to the relationship that others will hold you do (marriage, moving in together).

ok then there are 5 stages of coming apart. and at the end of those 5 there is usually the ‘death’ of the relationship. however, though the stages do always go in order, a relationship can go though them over and over without actually ‘dying.’ they are natural phases. haven’t you ever woken up one day and looked at your significant other and thought “i don’t even know him/her anymore.” well, then start at the bottom of the stairs! get to know them again (ps that is a conscious way fix a relationship before letting it get bad enough to break up! when things get difficult… think about the things you did when you first started dating, and the excitement they brought, and do them again!)

so what the hell does social media have to do with this?

social media has the power to take away all the ‘interpersonal’ parts of meeting, experimenting, intensifying, and integrating. how much can you find out about a person via facebook, their blog, myspace, and the ultimate… twitter- age, birthday, family life, hometown, sports in high school, college, favorite movies, favorite music, job, friends, hobbies, inside jokes (wall posts from friends), what they did that weekend (pics), what they are doing this weekend (events)… and then the more personal via blog (especially if they are anything like my oddly unprivate emotional self) – hopes, fears, things that make them happy, sad, scared, vulnerable, loved, frustrated, nervous, excited, etc…

essentially, we can gain all the information we need for our heads and hearts to saunter up those relationship stairs without the other person even knowing!

now, again, i could explicitly describe each and every dating situation and how social media would affect it but you get the picture. but i will just emphasize the ‘coming apart’ stages are just as influenced by social media. ex: we break up the- relationship dies- but i can start at the bottom of the stairs, or even just a few steps down by following you on twitter, or reading your blog… because it is like i am still there, experiencing and intensifying with you.

that’s it. no judgment social media, just an honest acknowledgement that of course dating seems to be getting harder and harder for us! we are physically defying the dating game that our mental selves have been conditioned to play.

we are entering a world where the rules of the dating game are changing before we’ve even figured out how win. we are no longer sharing information, opening up, and becoming vulnerable based on the aforementioned rules of the game: give and take. we are subjecting ourselves to vulnerability without the ‘other’ validating and accompanying us throughout the process.

i welcome you -fascinating, exciting, and emotionally overloaded world of social media that is so chaotically unknown… but i’m watching you.