tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.

and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

everything I touch turns to shit. everyone I try to love won’t hear of it, now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give. does anybody want it? does anybody want me?

ok. so, i suppose i should address the issue of the ‘pathetic and miserable dating life’ tweets that have been filling the universe lately. while i’d like to write about how i am happy in my singlehood and not having a pity party for myself… um that may be a little false. i am officially frustrated. do NOT read this as desperate, please. i’m not. i know everything is going exactly how it is supposed to. 

that being said, what GIVES. i would not ever consciously say that i am in a dating drought. cause a) i would LIKE to believe that i could be dating someone this very second if ’someone’ is who i would like to be dating. and b) i don’t really like the concept of dating just to date. so i’m not looking for just dating as sport. 

BUT. if i WERE i feel like i COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. sigh. there are some weird differences with chicago and SF in regards to dating. in chicago, i couldn’t go to a bar without being approached by a dude. 90% of the time said dude was absolutely not anything i wanted to deal with, but he was there. predictable as always. and when i went home without a number, or without giving one, i honestly believed it was my choice. and friends in chicago. well i had my close group of friends that understood, loved, supported, cared about and embraced me. and i met a million guys that never would get me. and that was life. and i was used to it and it was predictable and i could read it and plan for it.

but here. i feel like im playing a totally different ball game. like rugby. or something that looks like a game i know but has a different accent and different rules. in SF i have friends, a shocking amount, that GET me. like the real me. and love and support and understand and embrace all that is steph. but guys. well. um. i haven’t been approached by one. let me check my brain. nope not one. again. this is NOT pity party. this is rational observation time. that is all. Continue reading →

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy. 

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing. 

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know. Continue reading →