…and she took out her shoelaces

i’ve been on a mixtape making rampage lately. maybe it’s my way of feeling feelings, or contrastly, avoiding my own by channeling someone else’s… or i just like music, a lot. either way, here’s another for your listening pleasure.

it’s pretty awesome if i do say so myself.

…and she took out her shoelaces (click to download)

track listing:

badaboom- tapes ‘n tapes
fader- the temper trap
idiot heart- sunset rubdown
take off your sunglasses- ezra furman and the harpoons
waiting on you- sun airway
know better learn faster – thao with the get down stay down
an ear for baby- the thermals
not sick- tokyo police club
dlz- tv on the radio
becoming a jackal- villagers
red letter day- the get up kids
we’ve been had- the walkmen
16 days (acoustic)- whiskeytown
smithsonian liver- hot rod circuit
what a drag- bear hands
strictly game- harlem shakes
heat & hot water- arms
this bed- horse feathers
understand at all- cloud nothings
bruises to prove it- say hi
helplessness blues- fleet foxes
onion- sean hayes
answer to yourself- the soft pack

a mixtape. just because.

i made a mixtape. because mixtapes are awesome. and make people happy.

i like this one. it’s titled juryduty.

download it here.

keeping with the honesty, even if it’s scary.

you could say it’s my instinct, yes, I still have one. there’s no time to second guess it. yes there are things that i’m still so afraid of … but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them. Read the rest of this entry »

“you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now…”

most nights are crystal clear, but tonight it’s like you’re stuck between stations…on the radio.

i think i need to keep this short. i’m in a flurry of thoughts and not feeling able to super process.

mostly, right now the ‘embracing feelings, not managing them’ thing is making me feel sad and in no control and empty in my heart. it will pass. i’m sure.

i’m listening to my astrology reading from last month to give a little guidance and this is what my astrologer said, “right now, how you feel is who you are. it’s not that you’re really moody right now. but your moods are controlling your outlook.”

when he said this 6 weeks ago it meant nothing. now i hear it. and he just said, “you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now.”

i think that’s it for now. trying to process. i’ll trying some libations, a birthday party, and the musical stylings of the ghost and the city at bottom of the hill. after all, it is friday night.

you’re pretty good with words…but words won’t save your life.

Stuck Between Stations- The Hold Steady

embracing feelings, not trying to manage them.

roll, up your sleeves for winter, and i can wait till summer, when you’re warmer. roll, up your sleeves we’re heading for winter i know, the nights will get colder. and i’ll make my bed, make sure i’m all fed and asleep, and wake when we’re older.

day 4.

and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.

so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?

another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.

so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.

and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.

well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.

and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.

and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”

i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.

i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.

stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm,  stay calm, stay calm. stay calm. stay calm. keep warm, keep warm, keep warm.

“Roll up your sleeves”- We Were Promised Jetpacks