it’s pretty awesome if i do say so myself.

…and she took out her shoelaces (click to download)

track listing:

badaboom- tapes ‘n tapes
fader- the temper trap
idiot heart- sunset rubdown
take off your sunglasses- ezra furman and the harpoons
waiting on you- sun airway
know better learn faster – thao with the get down stay down
an ear for baby- the thermals
not sick- tokyo police club
dlz- tv on the radio
becoming a jackal- villagers
red letter day- the get up kids
we’ve been had- the walkmen
16 days (acoustic)- whiskeytown
smithsonian liver- hot rod circuit
what a drag- bear hands
strictly game- harlem shakes
heat & hot water- arms
this bed- horse feathers
understand at all- cloud nothings
bruises to prove it- say hi
helplessness blues- fleet foxes
onion- sean hayes
answer to yourself- the soft pack

i like this one. it’s titled juryduty.

download it here.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them.

and this conversation keeps replaying in my mind because every single thing about it represents exactly what drives me to do and love all this relationship stuff that i write and discuss. stress and highlight the importance of talking. of actually communicating in relationships.

we just get so scared that our needs won’t be met, or that someone won’t want to try and meet them, that we stop asking. we stop talking about them. because if we’re not asking for anything, we can’t be let down. and that’s precisely where i was.

but in this conversation he not only allowed me to have feelings, and discuss them, he demanded it of me.

i guess that’s the thing. when you care about someone it’s not actually hard to talk about the tricky stuff because you care about their needs, and feelings.

it all seems so simple.

and overwhelming, actually. i am overwhelmed with ‘how to process this’ thoughts about the validation i felt after the interaction. and it’s weird. sometimes getting what you want is scary. and when things happen exactly how you need them to it can be as emotional as if they went disastrously. validation is an intense and powerful thing. to give, and receive. and when someone close is able to validate a need that you didn’t even know you had, you can’t help but to be a little overwhelmed… and thankful.

so this particular love letter to new orleans is in fact a note of thanks to someone in particular. someone who had the difficult conversation. because it was the right thing for me. not the easy thing for him. to someone who most certainly has no clue how much he has inadvertently taught me about myself and relationships in general. who seems to, oddly, know more about some things that i need than my overly reflective and analytical self.
all done with simple, and genuine acts.

so as i ponder more and more what this all means in life. and why things are the way they are, i say thank you one more time. for demanding that i be true to my feelings. and being willing to deal with whatever that meant. for validation, kindness, authenticity, and care.

yes, there are still things i’m still quite sure of. i love you this hour, this hour today. and heaven will smell like the airport. but I may never get there to prove it, so let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair.
i’m an animal, you’re an animal too.

i think i need to keep this short. i’m in a flurry of thoughts and not feeling able to super process.

mostly, right now the ‘embracing feelings, not managing them’ thing is making me feel sad and in no control and empty in my heart. it will pass. i’m sure.

i’m listening to my astrology reading from last month to give a little guidance and this is what my astrologer said, “right now, how you feel is who you are. it’s not that you’re really moody right now. but your moods are controlling your outlook.”

when he said this 6 weeks ago it meant nothing. now i hear it. and he just said, “you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now.”

i think that’s it for now. trying to process. i’ll trying some libations, a birthday party, and the musical stylings of the ghost and the city at bottom of the hill. after all, it is friday night.

you’re pretty good with words…but words won’t save your life.

Stuck Between Stations- The Hold Steady

day 4.

and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.

so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?

another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.

so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.

and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.

well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.

and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.

and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”

i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.

i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.

stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm,  stay calm, stay calm. stay calm. stay calm. keep warm, keep warm, keep warm.

“Roll up your sleeves”- We Were Promised Jetpacks

in astrology, the 9th house in a chart is all about higher learning. it covers academic subjects, higher education, cultural learning, publishing, foreign travel, and philosophy.

and in any house, the specific plants in that house, and what sign rules that house affect a person at the level of core being in those areas of life.

i have a few key elements in my ninth house. first, it is ruled by sagittarius. which means that i am on a constant quest for knowledge, which will add to my understanding of the world. i enjoy travel, study, and philosophy- anything that sparks this quest. also, i have jupiter (conjunct uranus) in my ninth house. jupiter, being the planet of abundance, luck, and fortune. therefore it means that i will have a tendency for abundance in the areas that the ninth house represents- higher education and travel (uh, you think?). and lastly, my south node is in my ninth house. the nodes are not planets, but basically energy forces that affect a person like a planet. the north node’s placement in a house represents the area of one’s life that will be an area of constant learning and lessons. essentially, your lesson in this life to learn. the house with the south node, thereby represents an area of extra comfort. the area that one goes to retreat after dealing with the challenges and life lessons of the north node placement.

sagittarius, jupiter, and south node- all in my house of travel and higher learning. this may help give you an idea of how important travel is to me.

traveling gives me perspective. in all sorts of ways. it calibrates my compass for life. and it seems that my relationships in nola seem to adjust, or confirm, or validate, or highlight everything in my life that i like, need, want to change, push for, yearn for, desire, and am. the connections i have there do all of the above things unlike anywhere else.

there are lots of layers underlying my connections and relationships in new orleans. an interconnectedness of people that i’ve met at all different places and times in my life. they all mean something to me that is directly correlated to how deeply i care for, and feel connected to them now. my connections, each individual story of how i met every single person i know in nola is a true testament to the universe’s grand plan and higher purpose. it includes a best friend’s boyfriend, someone that represents love, acceptance, romance and risk, someone that believed in my ability and personal cause, someone that opened their home to me, someone i met the day i got my perspective tattoo that gives me immense inspiration, someone that welcomed me into a group of friends, and many, many more. all of whom touch my soul.

it’s the people. my relationships. the energy of the city. so thank you, nola. for weaving an intricate  web of connections, purposes, lessons, opportunities, emotions, and perspective. without you, i’d not be who i am today.

my love for you is better than dying arms, to you, everything i bestow. and tomorrow i’ll be dancing on my own, and i’ll need a kiss from you for my head that’s aching.

‘To You I Bestow’ – Mundy

]]> http://stephdub.com/2009/11/03/you-give-me-more-than-youll-ever-know/feed/ 1 http://stephdub.com/2009/11/02/oh-nola-how-you-break-my-heart-while-simultaneously-band-aiding-it-back-together/ http://stephdub.com/2009/11/02/oh-nola-how-you-break-my-heart-while-simultaneously-band-aiding-it-back-together/#comments Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:30:40 +0000 steph http://stephdub.com/?p=26 louisiana, come go away with me. we’ll take the highway, i’ll see you in between. if i listened to my head, never would have come. spend two days without it, just the sleeping in the sun.

day 2.

and i, again, have no idea where to begin. my mind is, per usual post nola visits, spiraling. last year at this exact moment i was in bad shape (like a good moment of bad shape?).

i was on a plane, at 30,000 ft above solid ground, heartbroken. writing. trying not to lose it in front of innocent planesitters.

here i am a year later, heartbroken in many of the same ways. but in a completely different place in so many of the other ways. the heartbreak this year is different.

i was explaining my love for nola to a friend that was there with me, on his first visit to the fine city. well, trying to. and the most concrete thing i could think of to explain my love was the people. my friends in nola are real friends. genuine, connection and care filled relationships. with one hundred percent acceptance of me. and us. and whenever i am around them, there is no awkward catch up/get on the same page period. we just are. the relationship continues. we live in the moment. and enjoy one another in the moment.

and i suppose that is why leaving is so heartbreaking. no matter what, the moment is over. and there will be more. but, i just don’t want it to be over, ever.

you see, it’s hard to know that you are doing the exact thing you need to be doing in life. and not want to change anything (well, you know) but still have these amazing connections and ‘moments’ that you have to…leave.

and it’s not that i don’t have these moments of connectedness in my ‘real’ life. i do. gosh, i do. i have an amazing life, for which i am endlessly grateful to the universe. but i cannot seem to process the idea that there is another world of greatness 2,500 miles away. that i can’t experience more than once or twice a year. in person, at least.

and there is one part all of this that i just cannot self therapize through. you see, i’m pretty good at the ‘thinking through’ part of life, self-awareness, growth, and relational schemas. where i’m not so good is the feeling part.

i don’t know how to ‘process’ feelings. and maybe that’s it. feelings aren’t supposed to be processed? either way, i find myself stuck when i come to the point of ‘this is what happened and why i feel what i do.’ but then i’m not sure i know really what to do with the feeling with which i’m left. and i get stuck. very, very stuck.

i know for certain that sf is for me. that everything i am doing in life is exactly what i should be. but why do i feel like this when i leave nola? why are there people in my life that i want to be around much much much more than an annual vacation or two provides? i mean, i have friends all over the states. and i love visiting them, and i miss them, a lot. but i don’t feel like this when i leave.

like a piece of my heart is gone.

i’m sure there are pieces of the story i’m not telling you, in regards to the laundry list of reasons new orleans, and its people, affect me so. but know this- i end up, in a worse way, in the same stuck position. feeling helpless and lost a little by trying to just sit with my feelings. and say ‘they are what they are’ and i even know why they are. but they are hard, intricate and complex feelings that touch on so many other things in me.

i know that any therapist or intuitive would tell me to just embrace my feelings. that they are for a reason, and to trust the universe, and let things unfold.

and i can, and will do that. but right here, on an airplane, in suspended time letting it unfold is challenging. that doesn’t mean i won’t do it it. hell, i have no choice. but i feel like if i keep thinking, writing, processing, i’ll have an answer.

and if there is one thing i’ve definitely learned for certain, it’s that life doesn’t work that way.

drinking our coffee, under a canopy. never saw the morning, slept through half the day. there’s thunder and there’s lightening a hundred miles away. i got my hands full most of the time.

i got my hands full, all summer long. i’ve got my hands full.

‘Louisiana’ – The Walkmen