friends of the opposite sex…a little more balanced

…meet me there, in the blue…

so my last post, and more importantly its comments, have been running through my head this week at a marathon rate. and believe i am ready to flesh out what these theories, thoughts, and insights mean a little more thoroughly.

so, yea, i think there are two different schools of thought when it comes to straight guys and female friends. but im gonna go out on a limb and give those guys who fall into Kim’s physical sex only category a little more benefit of the doubt. and NC’s comment, on being the expert of all things feminine- brilliantly said. and lastly, the anonymale- thank you for the call out. sometimes we do need attention, and sometimes, some of us over and inappropriately do it. so everyone has valuable but possibly opposing info to provide, but… how does it all fit together to make describe what we actually experience?

so i guess i’ll start with the revelation that i had while thinking about all of my past relationships. every single one of them, the real ones, the boyfriend/girlfriend level ones, started as friends. so, what kind of layers does that add into the complex issue of friends of the opposite sex? a new million different ways to analyze now. for sake of argument- does it mean that i am actually in the opposite sex friendships that i am for sex? nah, because that’s just not who i am or how i work. but this leads directly into anonymale’s point… i feel like maybe we jumped to the conclusion too early that the guys are usually the ones in it for sex or alternative motives other than pure platonic friendship. so, girls need  attention. i’m going make a large generalization here (which i normally despise doing), but i feel confident that it will be received well… since we females are generally less willing, able, and eager to sleep with someone as our male counterparts are – maybe attention is our ulterior motive for opposite sex friendships.  some of us need, like, and obtain average and appropriate levels of attention through our friends of the opposite sex, and some of us demand awkward and very high levels of attention from our guy friends. just as some guys can appropriately value and embrace their female friends, and some are, well… “just waiting in line to sleep with them”

ok. so where do i fall into this mix? i mean i have identified what i love about my guy friends. it it what it is. i mean we deal with things and move on, emotionally and physically. but, i’ll admit, quite tactlessly, how true NC’s comment is about being regarded as an expert on all things feminine. and i guess for me, for lack of a better phrase- i get off on this part of my guyfriendships more than normal girls probably do… because of my totally weird and all consuming obsession with relationships in general.
so ultimately, it is unfair of me to take one sentence (“because they are all waiting in line to sleep with her!”) and warp speed jump to the conclusion that this is as uncomplex an issue as that.
balance. female-male. friendship-sex. attention-expertise. …. i mean, let’s face it-we’re all just looking for perspective… and who better to provide it than our opposites? who cares if it comes in the form of needing attention, or sex, or being an expert on girly things, on feeling valued as a female, or being seen as sexy, or liking a go with the flow kinda gal to hang with, or wanting to sleep with someone you enjoy spending time with….

i guess i’ll address the brewing and spiraling thoughts on  my past relationships starting with friendship  and where this fits into my guy friend abundant life another time….

the beauty of brave new understanding
it’s only a dream of lovers and lies
i carry with me in all my vision

friends of the opposite sex…

when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends

it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?

interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not – you’ll know.

and of course i love my girlfriends to death. but i’ve got my close ones, and i’m really not looking to make new friends that are girls. because, honestly, its draining, time consuming, and energy intensive. and right now in my life, i’d like to put that energy into finding my soul mate. correction- my romantic soul mate. i have my friend soul mates.

so this week i verbalize these thoughts to my boys. explaining my rationale about my abundance of male friend companions. they agree with my theories on male friendships and we move it.

and then, a few days later, it gets interesting.  one of the boys has been seeing this girl. and shes cute, and they have fun, and all that stuff. but after a few cocktails he admits that he thinks he may not want to continue seeing her. why?, i ask. because all her friends are dudes!, he replies. and there i am, suddenly aware of myself… standing at the bar in flip flops, a black tee, comfy bike capris, and no makeup on- surrounded by 4 guys.

i encourage him to explain, trying desperately not to make the conversation about me just yet. and i say, oh yea well i mean i get it. hanging out with guys you don’t know can be pretty weird. (thinking about why meeting new girlfriends is so draining, assuming it is similar with guys). and he continues, no it’s not just that… they’re all just waiting in line for their chance to sleep with her!. and instantly i wonder, am i screwed for life because all my friends are guys?!

and i begin to analyze. is this the general feeling about ‘guys’ girls,’ or girls who naturally get along easily with guys, and enjoy the low drama company males? are the guys they date, or try to date, wondering what is going on in the background with all of their guy friends?

and ultimately, my head starts to spin with questions and thoughts and theories on how my romantic relationship life has been, and will be, affected by my propensity for high quantities of male friends.

am i naive to think that straight twentysomethings can be just friends with the opposite sex? and is this naivete affecting any of my current relationships? am i shooting myself in the dating game foot because all my friends are guys? and then… the ultimate question – are ‘my boys’ just waiting in line to sleep with me!? nah. that i just do not honestly believe… but this is where my rational and logic thoughts matter little, because i am not a guy. i will never truly be able to confidently say what guys think or feel, because i am a girl.

so my, unfortunately circular, question to the universe… are there opposite sex friendships that can exist and last, without ever turning romantic? and either way, do these friendships affect romantic relationships of the future?

all these wrong conclusions that leave you alone, how could everyone rearrage, how could everyone else have changed, what i see… i believe…