i laugh… loudly. it just is.

keep your eyes open all the time and I think you’ll find, there’s no place to hide and the world is alive

there’s something fascinating, and endlessly entertaining about getting to know yourself. and then accepting yourself for everything you are.

and i encourage every single person i’ve ever met to do it. understand who you are. why you are. what you are. get rid of what was given to by others. and fill it in with who you want to be.

this entire process will take approximately… your lifetime. but in reality, the fun starts a few years in.

it’s crazy what knowing yourself, and liking all those teeny things that make up who you are will do for your ability to connect with people.

lately, i feel connected. in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me, or scare me. or lead me on. it simply feels, well, simple. we’re all human. we’re all different. we all have intricate, messy, complicated glorious stories of what got us here. right here. and those stories are no one else’s but ours. how exciting is THAT?! yea, i know, you’re thinking the SF heatwave has gone to my head, but no. it hasn’t.

recently, i read two articles (whoa, i’m just realizing that they were both from paste magazine) that really affected me. one was about a well known celebrity (of whom i’ve had a crush on since i was 11) and another a musician. both men. both amazingly, unbashedfully, and wholeheartedly affected by the human condition. by words. by connection. by people. by their stories.

so if you know me, you’ll know that i have a propensity to crush, hard, on certain artist types. some of whom happen to be well known (celebrity). but the fact that i’m so affected by these strangers spirals me into weird and crazy ‘i don’t know you, this is unhealthy’ land. so i have to seriously avoid reading about, or listening to these boys.

and the only way i can explain my craziness to others, explain my crush, my longing for connection with these boys- they get it. they get what it’s like to connect.

maybe it’s the rediscovery of my feelings, and allowing my self to love them, or something, but i just get overwhelmingly excited and hopeful when i see evidence that someone else gets it. like i do. that we’re all in this together.

and where does this leave me right now? basically, that i don’t need to explain it any more.

that i am in love with connection. that i love nothing more than to get to know someone. to connect with someone. through conversation. through music. through sharing. through being. through asking.

other things about me that just are. and i’m ok with them, because they make up who i am:
when i hear a song i love, i play it on repeat. for as long as necessary.
apples and cheese is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable dinner
i am really much worse than i thought at doing dishes, i hate them
and laundry.
when i’m channeling patience, tact and appropriateness in conversation i take short quick breaths.
i maybe like cuddling more than i thought.
i’m obsessed with words.
i’m very deliberate with them.
i have faith in the process. even if i’m not sure what process it is.
i laugh loudly.
my hair will always be… everywhere.
my coffee table cluttered.
i need to talk through things to figure them out.
i love listening to friends, and friends that listen to me.
i will never, ever, be able to quit ice cream.
and i like boys. and it can be that simple.

so for a while, i’ll focus on connecting with people that get it. maybe one of them will be romantic. maybe not. maybe it won’t matter.

there’s a song at the heart of it all and we all try hard
just to write it down but you can’t write it down

ezra furman and the harpoons. the world is alive.

food coma

today was yummy.

cinnamon vanilla pecans.
cream cheese toffee pretzel dip.
gouda, havarti, sharp cheddar, jarlsberg.
homemade dill veggie dip.
homemade cheesy spinach and artichoke dip.

smoked (for 7 hours) turkey wrapped in bacon.
baked turkey stuffed with sage and oranges.
mashed potatoes with butter, cream cheese, and garlic.
mashed sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter, with marshmellows folded in and sugared pecan crumble on top.
stuffing.
cranberry relish (my great aunt’s recipe).
cornbread with homemade (by me) honey butter.
vegan and gluten-free greenbean casserole.

trifle with angel food cake, whipped pudding, berries and powdered sugar.
pumpkin pie with all natural vanilla IC.
gluten and dairy free pear and cranberry crumble.

yum.yum.yum.

friends, and their dates

clearly we like our friends. we like them for being who they are. that’s what friendship is. appreciating our friends for everything they are, positives, areas of opportunity (hello corporate america) differences from ourselves and everything in between. this is why our friends usually last though the roller coaster ride that is the twenty/thirty something dating life. we look to them to give their rational opinion of the people we date, and often really listen to what they have to say. and if we are lucky, the people we date, become friends of our friends. they fit in, and our protectors accept them and life is good.

but before we get to the point where a significant other makes it through to ‘friend’ status, we usually put our core group through quite a bit of shenanigans with all the people we date. and i wonder, do we expect too much of our friends and their support and effort through OUR navigation of the dating process? well, ok, i expect a lot of my friends in general. so maybe i’ll rephrase. why is it that we are so quick to put our friends- our support system- in unfair, confusing and difficult positions while we are dating?

let me explain. we start seeing someone, and usually we see them one on one for a while (while we get to know each other) and then comes the friend introduction. this is usually a very important step in the dating game. we introduce this person to our friends for a multitude of reasons. 1. we are excited about this new suitor and want our friends to know the person that we think is so great. 2. we want our friends’ opinions- because, honestly, they do a much better job of staying rational about judgement on who is good for us and who is not once we get emotionally involved with a datee. 3. we want our datee to know our friends (our support system, our family) because our friends DO mean so much to us, and we love them for all they are. 4. but ultimately, we want our friends to make our datee feel as loved, welcomed, awesome, and supported as they make us feel.

and that is a lot to ask of our friends. friendships are hard. sometimes even more so than romantic relationships. they take energy and effort and emotional work. so to ask our friends to just accept a new friend into the group because we ’said so’ (in our emotionally and ‘carnally’ influenced state) is a large request. and often, because our friends want us to be happy, they oblige. and usually, the beginning of this friendship with the datee is not easy. it takes work. effort to get to know the datee, what their interests are, what their background is, etc. basically, the friends must play the dating game on a non romantic level to get to know everything there is to know about this new person. (and we all know how HARD dating is with someone we are ROMANTICALLY interested in)

so, as friends, we put in all this work and effort because we love our friend. and they deserve to be happy. and we want to do anything we can to increase their chances of being happy (read: entertaining the revolving door of datees that comes through). and during this process we usually don’t get to see our friend without the datee, cause that is how the early stages of dating are. and we go with this because we would rather see our friend than not, even if it means that we have to see their datee too, and put in work and effort.

so here comes the unfair part. we expect our friends to put in all this effort to get to know, and hang out with the people we are dating. and then we break up, or change how we feel about the datee, and expect our friends to just break up with them too. and this is understandable, at certain levels. but, obviously, this gets really tricky when the datee is around for any particular amount of time. because we get used to having them around. we have put in the effort to create a friendship, and then are expected to just ditch all the efforts because the emotional/carnal needs/desires/feelings of our beloved friend have changed.

it just seems like a lot. and i feel like it is unfair. now, don’t get me wrong. i have no IDEA how this could go any differently. and i love my friends, and usually have no terrible judgement on who they date (and if i do, its rational and i tell them), but stepping back and looking at the situation rationally gives me this weird ‘oh my gosh why is it like this’ feeling.

dating is hard. friendships are hard. because anything worth anything takes effort. but it seems like we expect our friends put SO much effort into OUR dating lives- all while they are trying to navigate through their own dating lives. and i mean. they do this to us too. but, i just feel like there has to be an easier way! why all this effort?!

i guess it all comes down to the fact that we love the people in our lives, and because of the nature of love, we put them through hell, and expect them to do the same. what is WITH our crazy human brains?!

i remember back then thinking: easy comes but doesn’t stay, what comes easy never stays