…and it comes with a goodbye.

i’d like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i’d like to lay my weary bones tonight, on a bed of california stars.

i’ve talked about my inherent need for travel. it’s like the spin cycle to my daily wash. i can live life without it, but i’m a big dripping sloppy mess. it clears my head, wrings me out, and leaves me fresh and clean for more daily use.

and most of the time, this travel includes some form of spending time with someone that i care immensely about. lately, that someone (or someones) live in the locale that i am visiting. as opposed to traveling to a locale with someone in which i care about and with which want to spend time. which means i get my fill of spin cycle rejuvenation, but it comes only at a cost of having to say goodbye. and though the cost of having to say goodbye does not outweigh the benefit of spending time, it’s still a little thorn in the heart that seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

mostly, i am blessed to have friends that live across the country. good friends. true friends. connected friends. i could essentially visit any (cool) place in the US and have a friend to visit, stay with, see, or at the very last resort, accompany me. and for a travel bug like me, this is more valuable than endless quarters to do my laundry.

i suppose it is the nature of those friendships that make me able to visit in the first place- good, true, and connected. but the relational foundation being so positive and important, means that there are equally as strong feelings of icky, false, and disconnection when leaving those friends.

and as i wrote about feeling alone last week, i looked forward to a thanksgiving week spent with the type of friends that are as close to family as friends can get.

but as the week came to a close today, i was ultimately filled with a sense of loss, and sadness to say goodbye. because the thing about friends as close as family is that they chose you. they chose to continue relationships with you, and therefore they chose to accept you. as you. if we are lucky, we are able to define family as people who accept us exactly as we are. but we do acknowledge that family is one of the most uncontrolled relationships in life. so, having friends as close as family denotes almost a higher (well, different) level of importance and acceptance. because, we could have chosen to disengage from that relationship anytime, unaccept the people with whom we are in friendship, and we didn’t.

therefore, seeing these ‘friends as close as family’ fills me up with hope and courage to continue being me, continue moving forward when it seems like no one cares if i move mountains or if i stand still. but this makes saying goodbye to those friends that much harder.

this year i am thankful for my connections across the nation, or world for that matter. thankful for those genuine times of goodness spent with people when i was not worried about being something else, or being misunderstood. or more importantly, when i was worried, and those connections solidified that there was no need.

i’d love to feel your hand touching mine and tell me why i must keep working on…so I’d give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of california stars.

california stars- billy bragg and wilco.

it’s not really about you, or you. but you think you know.

there really ain’t no difference, in michigan and maine… if you ain’t here to see this, i’m missing just the same.

open all night (seveneleven)

so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.

and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.

so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.

the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.

what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.

and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.

the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.

and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.

i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.

the blues- jason isbell and the 400 unit

the digital relationship trap

a wake up call to a rented room sounded like an alarm of impending doom. to warn us it’s only a matter of time. before we all burn.

it’s funny. ten days from now will mark my one year san franniversary. one. whole. year. one year since i left everything i loved in search of adventure, newness, and ultimately, love.

and here i am. one year later. coming down from the whirlwind that was the last 12 months. but there is something funny about where i stand right this moment in life. people ask how in the world i moved across the country to a city where i knew no one but the person whose couch i would be living on (whom i had previously met only twice before.). how did i meet people? was it hard? how did i quit my job and leave all security? how could i afford to be unemployed for months and months? wasn’t it scary not knowing anyone? and when asked these questions i would answer in the only way i knew how – no it wasn’t scary. i felt like it was something i had to do. meeting people came oddly easily (and hell have i been lucky with the friends i’ve come up with so far). being unemployed was difficult for what it was- unemployment in a recession.  but it was exactly what i needed to do for me.

so here i am, in the come down period. the settled in my own apartment working for the number 3 best fortune 500 company to work for with a great group of friends and stability period. but, well, here’s the thing. stability isn’t something i really place much value on in my life. cause in the last month, the most stable and unwavering month in the last 12, i’ve been in a rut. many things have contributed to this down period in my life. a few of which i have now identified and of which i will proceed to give you a detailed description.

as you can see in my archives, sf different from chicago. different from everywhere. in so many ways. and i have had to navigate these foggy bay waters by using the only method i know- talking about my experiences. and gathering perspective. and as often is the case, sometimes an outside perspective can be much more insightful, understanding and um, validating. this past weekend i got all of those things after a long and grounding conversation with a friend that was in town visiting. he and i talked… and he ‘got it.’ whatever ‘it’ is about sf that makes me feel like i am on a roller coaster riding the peaks and valleys of life and love in this city.

san francisco: the social experiment of the nation (i absolutely cannot take credit for the most brilliant analogy this side of the mississippi, for @ryanmcminn is the genius that helped me articulate this theory.) san francisco is filled with some of the most brilliant and innovative people in the world. we (and i say we not to call myself brilliant but a) to not point a finger, and b) for sake of ease) are socially five years ahead of everyone. i mean come on- every social networking site is based here. we get to test the new hot site, adopt it, obsess over it, and ultimately affect our relationships in a zillion ways we do not care to contemplate before smothering every part of our lives with it. all before oprah’s done any endorsing. because by the time anything has oprah’s stamp of approval we, the proud citizens of san francisco, have participated in the clinical trials. allowing the founders of the new and innovative social networking site to adjust for optimal performance. thereby making it usable for the everyday non san franciscan american.

so here is what i have found. about me. about my friends. about my dating life. about living in one big social experiment. i let myself slip into this weird isolating place of social awkwardness. i met this amazing group of friends and i got to know them, and showed them who i was. and became close with all of them. all of which was followed by following them on twitter, and becoming friends on facebook, and seeing what they chose to tumble everyday, and you know… participated in the trials. so i was seeing my friends all the time when i was unemployed. for the obvious reason- i had a lot of time on my hands. but also, because an important part of successfully moving across the country is building new relationships and that takes effort. so i put in all this effort. and made a huge group of amazing friends.

and then i got a job. a job where i defy all san francisco logic daily- i get to work before 7am. thus putting the ca bash on the very alcoholcentric weekday social life i had grown accustomed to. which is fine. i like my job. though, unconsciously more than my foursquare check ins and alcohol consumption levels were dying. so was the authenticity of my relationships with my friends. but i had no idea. because i was following their every move on twitter and facebook. cause they are my friends, and i genuinely cared about what they were doing. and if i couldn’t be there to experience it with them cause i had to rise at 5:30am, then i’d ‘follow.’

but i got to the point where i stopped wanting to make the effort to go out to meet people, even when it did fit into my schedule. i stopped wanting to make the effort to go hang out with my friends. what? i mean, that doesn’t make sense. but i began to focus on how awkward it would be to see them and have nothing to talk about. and why wouldn’t i have anything to talk about? because i’ve been following their lives digitally, and them mine. and i ‘knew’ everything they were doing… so there wouldn’t be anything new to talk about. because seeing my friends at the bar turned into seeing passing acquaintances. by following their every move online i was taking the connection out of our friendship. i was going through the motions. and i found myself with all these good friends that TURNED superficial because of social media sites.

this is the opposite of what people usually talk about when they talk about ‘friendships’ on the internet. they say, “do you even know those hundreds of people you are friends with on fb, or following on twitter.” “you can’t know them all, those must be superficial relationships…” well. i did know them. and had the false sense of continued friendship when i stopped seeing them in person because i was seeing them online.

so, for a million reasons i took some time off from the digital. and reevaluated my life in the analog. hence the 6 week long posting hiatus here. and here is what i’ve come up with:

i like my friends. i like them IN PERSON. and i like TALKING to them about what is going on in their life. not (just) reading about it online. i don’t care if i have to hear it twice.

also, i thrive on meeting new people. i am at my best in any relationship before twitter handles are exchanged and facebook friendships accepted. because connection and common ground are being sought… not merely maintained.

and as for my dating life. i need to keep it analog. i need the energy and excitement of face to face connection. i need to have no idea what you did all week because i want you to TELL me about it. i don’t want to read it. believe it or not, i want to TALK with my friends. and potential boyfriends (uh, what are those again? yea, that is the status of my not so love life).

so. here it is. a million aggregated thoughts on where i’ve been the last 6 weeks, how i got there, and where i am going from here on out.

system reboot in three…two…one… now.

and the news reports on the radio
said it was getting worse
as the ocean air fanned the flame.
but i couldn’t think of anywhere  would have rather been
to watch it all burn away.
to burn away.

friends, and their dates

clearly we like our friends. we like them for being who they are. that’s what friendship is. appreciating our friends for everything they are, positives, areas of opportunity (hello corporate america) differences from ourselves and everything in between. this is why our friends usually last though the roller coaster ride that is the twenty/thirty something dating life. we look to them to give their rational opinion of the people we date, and often really listen to what they have to say. and if we are lucky, the people we date, become friends of our friends. they fit in, and our protectors accept them and life is good.

but before we get to the point where a significant other makes it through to ‘friend’ status, we usually put our core group through quite a bit of shenanigans with all the people we date. and i wonder, do we expect too much of our friends and their support and effort through OUR navigation of the dating process? well, ok, i expect a lot of my friends in general. so maybe i’ll rephrase. why is it that we are so quick to put our friends- our support system- in unfair, confusing and difficult positions while we are dating?

let me explain. we start seeing someone, and usually we see them one on one for a while (while we get to know each other) and then comes the friend introduction. this is usually a very important step in the dating game. we introduce this person to our friends for a multitude of reasons. 1. we are excited about this new suitor and want our friends to know the person that we think is so great. 2. we want our friends’ opinions- because, honestly, they do a much better job of staying rational about judgement on who is good for us and who is not once we get emotionally involved with a datee. 3. we want our datee to know our friends (our support system, our family) because our friends DO mean so much to us, and we love them for all they are. 4. but ultimately, we want our friends to make our datee feel as loved, welcomed, awesome, and supported as they make us feel.

and that is a lot to ask of our friends. friendships are hard. sometimes even more so than romantic relationships. they take energy and effort and emotional work. so to ask our friends to just accept a new friend into the group because we ’said so’ (in our emotionally and ‘carnally’ influenced state) is a large request. and often, because our friends want us to be happy, they oblige. and usually, the beginning of this friendship with the datee is not easy. it takes work. effort to get to know the datee, what their interests are, what their background is, etc. basically, the friends must play the dating game on a non romantic level to get to know everything there is to know about this new person. (and we all know how HARD dating is with someone we are ROMANTICALLY interested in)

so, as friends, we put in all this work and effort because we love our friend. and they deserve to be happy. and we want to do anything we can to increase their chances of being happy (read: entertaining the revolving door of datees that comes through). and during this process we usually don’t get to see our friend without the datee, cause that is how the early stages of dating are. and we go with this because we would rather see our friend than not, even if it means that we have to see their datee too, and put in work and effort.

so here comes the unfair part. we expect our friends to put in all this effort to get to know, and hang out with the people we are dating. and then we break up, or change how we feel about the datee, and expect our friends to just break up with them too. and this is understandable, at certain levels. but, obviously, this gets really tricky when the datee is around for any particular amount of time. because we get used to having them around. we have put in the effort to create a friendship, and then are expected to just ditch all the efforts because the emotional/carnal needs/desires/feelings of our beloved friend have changed.

it just seems like a lot. and i feel like it is unfair. now, don’t get me wrong. i have no IDEA how this could go any differently. and i love my friends, and usually have no terrible judgement on who they date (and if i do, its rational and i tell them), but stepping back and looking at the situation rationally gives me this weird ‘oh my gosh why is it like this’ feeling.

dating is hard. friendships are hard. because anything worth anything takes effort. but it seems like we expect our friends put SO much effort into OUR dating lives- all while they are trying to navigate through their own dating lives. and i mean. they do this to us too. but, i just feel like there has to be an easier way! why all this effort?!

i guess it all comes down to the fact that we love the people in our lives, and because of the nature of love, we put them through hell, and expect them to do the same. what is WITH our crazy human brains?!

i remember back then thinking: easy comes but doesn’t stay, what comes easy never stays