December 10th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective being single, dating, independent, lonely, love, relationships, single, staying single | No Comments »
take my hand, come with me, into this crystal scenery
so i’ve written before about letting people in. especially after hurting from a break up. or creating relational schemas from an old relationship, or whatever. but this weekend i was talking to a friend about actually starting to date someone after being single for so long. and she and i are in similar places, having been single for three or so years, and loving ourselves, our lives, and what we have created. and also not ever willing to settle.
and we have both dated around and met boys that we would like to date who didn’t feel the same way, or had boys want to date us that we didn’t reciprocate. but on the whole, we are strong, single women. looking for the right guy to let in.
and she asked me about something that i have actually thought about a lot, she said, “do you think people just get into relationships cause it is easy? i mean, how do you KNOW that this is the one you want to give up the search for.” and i said, “sheesh, i have no idea. i think the right guy will just make you not even think about being with anyone else. you won’t even think that you are giving up, or that there is possibly someone else.
and this is a thought i have had many times before. usually when i am very casually dating someone i get this freak out moment in my head that maybe this will be the guy. and i won’t be able to go out and try and meet cute boys, or i won’t be able to make-out with that repeat offender that i see every 9 months, and i won’t be able to peruse missed connections hoping to see one about a curly haired red head. and i wonder, is this guy worth the last THREE YEARS i spent growing and loving myself? is THIS the guy to give in for?
and then i wonder. if i am thinking that way, then am i settling? i mean, being single is a roller coaster. sometimes you can’t imagine ever giving up your freedom, or independence, or self love for someone else. and the sometimes you can’t stand the thought of sleeping alone in your bed one more night. and sometimes you give in to the drunken attention and invite someone into your bed that you know will not break the single streak just to fill that void. and sometimes you close yourself off to someone that may actually be good to break the streak with because you want make sure you are representing everything that three years has meant, and not settling.
so. how do you know that the person you are casually dating is the person you want to be exclusively dating. my first thought is that it should be a no brainer. you should just want to be with that person so much that the other questions are non issues. not to be a jerk cause we will get to me next, but what about those serial monogamers that go from one relationship to another. they don’t even ever THINK about all the things that one must ‘give up’ to be in a relationship. and to touch on us, the hold on to our single lifers, the ones that are always single, never in a relationship, we gotta give in and do it sometime.
so, where is the balance? how do we let someone in without not losing all the lessons learned and growth from being genuinely single and self sufficient for an extended period of time. without becoming someone that does not know how to be single, always going from relationship to relationship and risking our self worth be comprised of the attention we get from a significant other.
you would never have the time
i would love to change your mind
you were there
and it was good in the beginning
you were there
we were good in the beginning
August 6th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective can't find anyone to date, dating, don't know where to start in dating, independent, relationships, want to date | No Comments »
wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…
so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.
and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.
so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).
so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.
but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?
and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.
so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.
i want to have a good time, just like everybody, and i don’t want to fall apart…i just wanna have a good time just like everybody else and i don’t wanna fall apart this time so would you please invite me in….come on and take a spin, hey i got a brand new set of wings.