sometimes a break is needed. but, we gotta stay positive.

cause it’s one thing to start it with a positive jam, and it’s another thing to see it all through

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

how do you know you want to stop being single?

take my hand, come with me, into this crystal scenery

so i’ve written before about letting people in. especially after hurting from a break up. or creating relational schemas from an old relationship, or whatever. but this weekend i was talking to a friend about actually starting to date someone after being single for so long. and she and i are in similar places, having been single for three or so years, and loving ourselves, our lives, and what we have created. and also not ever willing to settle.

and we have both dated around and met boys that we would like to date who didn’t feel the same way, or had boys want to date us that we didn’t reciprocate. but on the whole, we are strong, single women. looking for the right guy to let in.

and she asked me about something that i have actually thought about a lot, she said, “do you think people just get into relationships cause it is easy? i mean, how do you KNOW that this is the one you want to give up the search for.” and i said, “sheesh, i have no idea. i think the right guy will just make you not even think about being with anyone else. you won’t even think that you are giving up, or that there is possibly someone else.

and this is a thought i have had many times before. usually when i am very casually dating someone i get this freak out moment in my head that maybe this will be the guy. and i won’t be able to go out and try and meet cute boys, or i won’t be able to make-out with that repeat offender that i see every 9 months, and i won’t be able to peruse missed connections hoping to see one about a curly haired red head. and i wonder, is this guy worth the last THREE YEARS i spent growing and loving myself? is THIS the guy to give in for?

and then i wonder. if i am thinking that way, then am i settling? i mean, being single is a roller coaster. sometimes you can’t imagine ever giving up your freedom, or independence, or self love for someone else. and the sometimes you can’t stand the thought of sleeping alone in your bed one more night. and sometimes you give in to the drunken attention and invite someone into your bed that you know will not break the single streak just to fill that void. and sometimes you close yourself off to someone that may actually be good to break the streak with because you want make sure you are representing everything that three years has meant, and not settling.

so. how do you know that the person you are casually dating is the person you want to be exclusively dating. my first thought is that it should be a no brainer. you should just want to be with that person so much that the other questions are non issues. not to be a jerk cause we will get to me next, but what about those serial monogamers that go from one relationship to another. they don’t even ever THINK about all the things that one must ‘give up’ to be in a relationship. and to touch on us, the hold on to our single lifers, the ones that are always single, never in a relationship, we gotta give in and do it sometime.

so, where is the balance? how do we let someone in without not losing all the lessons learned and growth from being genuinely single and self sufficient for an extended period of time. without becoming someone that does not know how to be single, always going from relationship to relationship and risking our self worth be comprised of the attention we get from a significant other.

you would never have the time
i would love to change your mind
you were there
and it was good in the beginning
you were there
we were good in the beginning