we discuss what it means to ‘be ready’ to start dating, the importance of knowing yourself and what you want, and being present while on a first date.

“i learned more about myself and…learning how to be true to myself…”

a GREAT show!!

first dates, lying about your height, and figuring out what you want.

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

ok, you know those songs that you hear, usually on the radio or at a place in which you do not control the music, and they make you instantly in the moment. like nothing else matters. like nearly thirty years of life just hit you right then. and you are soaking it in. and don’t want it to end. you know those songs?

i heard one of them last night. and since then i have just been in love with my moment. because, really, the feeling that started during the song hasn’t left.

it was 7:37pm, i was at bevmo in carlsbad california with @tjferrara and his father. after working a busy day at work,  i had flown from san francisco to the orange county airport, was scooped up by tj, and within 6 minutes of getting in the car i was watching ‘the carter documentary’ about lil wayne in the front seat of his prius. an hour and a half later we were at the grocery store, meeting @tiffanyleonard and tj’s parents (in from detroit). ten minutes later i had departed with the men and at bevmo we arrived.

after wandering with the snarky tjferrara in search of his pops, we arrived at the wall of pinot noir. and i heard this song.

and everything was put into perspective. here i am. in my life. living in california. spending thanksgiving in california. without my family. blood family. feeling like if i couldn’t be with my family, i couldn’t really imagine being with any other people than tiffany and tj. and tj’s parents. because i have known them for so long, they might as well be family. and yea, we that have moved away from ‘home’ often say that our friends are our ‘family,’ but this is for real. genuine love, acceptance, fun, laughs, and ‘this is the grown up life we used to talk about in my bedroom while staying up late in middle school.’ we are adults. and will always be in each other’s lives. and someday, i won’t be the single third wheel asking tj if he has any single male friends that are his clone. but until then, it’s still just perfect.

this is what the holidays are about. living that adult life that you used to imagine when you were in middle school. with those people that you care for and love like family. that aren’t going anywhere.

Belly – Feed The Tree on MUZU.

ok, so i know i promised you a super sleuth story. but, after a big huge date night like meal (cheese, wine, salad, wine, butternut squash linguine, wine, and some chocolate thing in a coffee cup that was like half cooked brownie mix, ie:heaven) i am in a food coma, which is affecting my patience for my own stories. alas,  my friends, the crime scene murder mystery will have to wait. ok, you’re right. not murder.

so, this ‘feeling’ thing i guess gets you somewhere. like, through things. embracing them has apparently made me move forward. not on, because well, that suggests like, getting over. and this is something (and i wrote someone just then, and had to correct. total freudian slip) i don’t want to get over. 

so yea, i’ve moved forward. and it is what it is. but this time, in a ‘i’m not putting up a wall’ it is what it is, ignoring feelings as a way to avoid disappointment, or heartbreak. but a different kind of is what it is. like a ‘it is what it is,’ forgot i wasn’t thinking about it way. like it pleasantly, and nondescriptly dropped off my list of things to remember to think about. and that was, nice. well, i didn’t even realize it really.

until this morning. when i got out of the shower, at 6:22 am, and *f*l*a*s*h* you were there. in my head. like, why? just there. in the front of my brain. and then i realize that 14 minutes earlier i awoke from one of those completely and utterly real dreams that later, when you remember it, you can’t remember right away if that memory was because it happened, or because you dreamed it.

and i sighed, embraced it, and kept going, kept moving. and proceeded to have a totally, outrageously busy day at work. meeting with my boss’ boss, employee year end performance reviews, 45 minutes total of non meeting time in ten hours, plus ninety five “must do today”s on my list kind of day. an life went on.

until in a double whamie kind of way jason schwartzman began singing to me on the burnt orange sunset drive home through berkeley while staring across the bay at my city. he sang, “for a second there i thought you disappeared. it rains a lot this time of year… and miss you, i’m going back home to the west coast. i wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase.”

and i forgot again, if you were right there, in the front of my brain, all over again because it happened, or it was a dream.

i felt, and therefore learned, two things today: the west coast is home. and it was a dream.

going back home to the west coast…

west coast- coconut records.

i decided to bring my camera. and am i ever glad that i did. the perish trust, an awesome antiquey store on divisadero, was open. i strolled in to peruse the typewriters, as i always do, and was just consumed with love for the place. per usual. and then i just went for it and asked. i said, “do you mind if i take some photos in here?” and he said, “oh of course not. i mean, this is the magic time. with the sun where it is, and all.”

i present to you the perish trust.

this is the magic time. from Steph Dub on Vimeo.

the perish trust.

728 divisadero, san francisco, ca.

http://theperishtrust.com

harold t. wilkins- fanfarlo.

open all night (seveneleven)

so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.

and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.

so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.

the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.

what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.

and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.

the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.

and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.

i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.

the blues- jason isbell and the 400 unit

this is cool. i’m obsessed with words. in general. and dating, duh. when a friend directed my attention to this, it was obvious why.

“a project that explores the search for love, but also the search for self.” (um hello?! seriously!?)

lucky number seven.

this week has been interesting. you’ve clearly seen how, um, introspective i’ve been, just through my writing. i guess that’s what vacation/traveling does for me. when i go to nola, it’s like…times a million. and i’ve mentioned that i’m at this odd moment of life, where i feel more in line with who i am, and who i am supposed to be than ever. and i’ve had almost ‘looking on from above’ experiences of breaking relational patterns that are not good for me. and i’m in a such a moment of life where everything is perfect. and messy. and raw. and uncertain.

and all i’m trying to do is make it. one step at a time. actually, what i’m trying to do is be ok with only going one step at a time. you see, my writing, my reading, my studying- it all adds up to me putting this immense amount of pressure on myself to implement the things i know about relationships into my own life. it’s like “the shoemaker’s children have no shoes” syndrome. but the opposite. i figure that because i’ve identified a relational pattern, or schema, without the help of a therapist, then i must figure out how to get over that pattern…instantly.

and sometimes, like i’ve said, i get to the point where i know why i am there, and what got me there, but not really what to do about it. and more importantly, i know what i need to do moving forward in relationships… but what about the ones i already have? the ones that were created with the not so healthy relationship patterns? how i do say to those people, “oh, you just filled an unhealthy need in my life that i have realized is unhealthy, and i can’t and don’t want to do this anymore,” when they are not in any place to realize that i probably filled the same pattern for them?

well, either way, i’ve been very introspective this week. in a very ok with lots and lots of alone, figure it out, time. for example, i’m writing this day’s, saturday’s, blog post at 11 pm. because today i did exactly what i needed. i spent a lot of quality time with a few select people that i knew would get it. because, as i begin to figure it all out… i realize that some of the people in my life don’t quite get it. get that i want to figure it out. or that there is more.

and this week i was able to pull myself away from the situation, life, and mostly, others‘ relational issue projection and just be ok. with me. myself.

this month is probably boring some of you. a blog post a day about steph finding herself in a much less analytical, much less rational and theoretical way. it’s much more… messy. and i’m trying to just be ok with that. so you should too. one day, you’ll be able to say, remember when she was a mess, writing a blog a day about new agey nonsense trying to find herself? look at her now.

hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery. oh it’s the little things you miss, like waking up, all alone. it’s the little things you miss, when you’re underneath it all…and all your friends seem like enemies when you’re broken down and empty…

waiting. city and colour.

i think i need to keep this short. i’m in a flurry of thoughts and not feeling able to super process.

mostly, right now the ‘embracing feelings, not managing them’ thing is making me feel sad and in no control and empty in my heart. it will pass. i’m sure.

i’m listening to my astrology reading from last month to give a little guidance and this is what my astrologer said, “right now, how you feel is who you are. it’s not that you’re really moody right now. but your moods are controlling your outlook.”

when he said this 6 weeks ago it meant nothing. now i hear it. and he just said, “you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now.”

i think that’s it for now. trying to process. i’ll trying some libations, a birthday party, and the musical stylings of the ghost and the city at bottom of the hill. after all, it is friday night.

you’re pretty good with words…but words won’t save your life.

Stuck Between Stations- The Hold Steady