and if you shake your heart enough, she will appear. tonight i think i’ll be staying here.
ok, so i know i promised you a super sleuth story. but, after a big huge date night like meal (cheese, wine, salad, wine, butternut squash linguine, wine, and some chocolate thing in a coffee cup that was like half cooked brownie mix, ie:heaven) i am in a food coma, which is affecting my patience for my own stories. alas, my friends, the crime scene murder mystery will have to wait. ok, you’re right. not murder.
so, this ‘feeling’ thing i guess gets you somewhere. like, through things. embracing them has apparently made me move forward. not on, because well, that suggests like, getting over. and this is something (and i wrote someone just then, and had to correct. total freudian slip) i don’t want to get over.
so yea, i’ve moved forward. and it is what it is. but this time, in a ‘i’m not putting up a wall’ it is what it is, ignoring feelings as a way to avoid disappointment, or heartbreak. but a different kind of is what it is. like a ‘it is what it is,’ forgot i wasn’t thinking about it way. like it pleasantly, and nondescriptly dropped off my list of things to remember to think about. and that was, nice. well, i didn’t even realize it really.
until this morning. when i got out of the shower, at 6:22 am, and *f*l*a*s*h* you were there. in my head. like, why? just there. in the front of my brain. and then i realize that 14 minutes earlier i awoke from one of those completely and utterly real dreams that later, when you remember it, you can’t remember right away if that memory was because it happened, or because you dreamed it.
and i sighed, embraced it, and kept going, kept moving. and proceeded to have a totally, outrageously busy day at work. meeting with my boss’ boss, employee year end performance reviews, 45 minutes total of non meeting time in ten hours, plus ninety five “must do today”s on my list kind of day. an life went on.
until in a double whamie kind of way jason schwartzman began singing to me on the burnt orange sunset drive home through berkeley while staring across the bay at my city. he sang, “for a second there i thought you disappeared. it rains a lot this time of year… and miss you, i’m going back home to the west coast. i wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase.”
and i forgot again, if you were right there, in the front of my brain, all over again because it happened, or it was a dream.
i felt, and therefore learned, two things today: the west coast is home. and it was a dream.
last night i left my credit card at the bar. i was sober. and tired. it was one of my favorite bars so i called at 1:54 when i realized that i left it, which was as walked in the door to my house. so today i had to go back to retrieve my trusty companion.
i decided to bring my camera. and am i ever glad that i did. the perish trust, an awesome antiquey store on divisadero, was open. i strolled in to peruse the typewriters, as i always do, and was just consumed with love for the place. per usual. and then i just went for it and asked. i said, “do you mind if i take some photos in here?” and he said, “oh of course not. i mean, this is the magic time. with the sun where it is, and all.”
there really ain’t no difference, in michigan and maine… if you ain’t here to see this, i’m missing just the same.
open all night (seveneleven)
so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.
and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.
so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.
the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.
what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.
and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.
the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.
and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.
i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.
attempting to discover… where to begin. you’re weighed down, you’re full of something… you’re underneath it all.
lucky number seven.
this week has been interesting. you’ve clearly seen how, um, introspective i’ve been, just through my writing. i guess that’s what vacation/traveling does for me. when i go to nola, it’s like…times a million. and i’ve mentioned that i’m at this odd moment of life, where i feel more in line with who i am, and who i am supposed to be than ever. and i’ve had almost ‘looking on from above’ experiences of breaking relational patterns that are not good for me. and i’m in a such a moment of life where everything is perfect. and messy. and raw. and uncertain.
and all i’m trying to do is make it. one step at a time. actually, what i’m trying to do is be ok with only going one step at a time. you see, my writing, my reading, my studying- it all adds up to me putting this immense amount of pressure on myself to implement the things i know about relationships into my own life. it’s like “the shoemaker’s children have no shoes” syndrome. but the opposite. i figure that because i’ve identified a relational pattern, or schema, without the help of a therapist, then i must figure out how to get over that pattern…instantly.
and sometimes, like i’ve said, i get to the point where i know why i am there, and what got me there, but not really what to do about it. and more importantly, i know what i need to do moving forward in relationships… but what about the ones i already have? the ones that were created with the not so healthy relationship patterns? how i do say to those people, “oh, you just filled an unhealthy need in my life that i have realized is unhealthy, and i can’t and don’t want to do this anymore,” when they are not in any place to realize that i probably filled the same pattern for them?
well, either way, i’ve been very introspective this week. in a very ok with lots and lots of alone, figure it out, time. for example, i’m writing this day’s, saturday’s, blog post at 11 pm. because today i did exactly what i needed. i spent a lot of quality time with a few select people that i knew would get it. because, as i begin to figure it all out… i realize that some of the people in my life don’t quite get it. get that i want to figure it out. or that there is more.
and this week i was able to pull myself away from the situation, life, and mostly, others‘ relational issue projection and just be ok. with me. myself.
this month is probably boring some of you. a blog post a day about steph finding herself in a much less analytical, much less rational and theoretical way. it’s much more… messy. and i’m trying to just be ok with that. so you should too. one day, you’ll be able to say, remember when she was a mess, writing a blog a day about new agey nonsense trying to find herself? look at her now.
hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery. oh it’s the little things you miss, like waking up, all alone. it’s the little things you miss, when you’re underneath it all…and all your friends seem like enemies when you’re broken down and empty…
