we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information. 

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this. 

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right. Continue reading →

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling of incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell. Continue reading →

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded. Continue reading →

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them. Continue reading →

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today. 

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you. 

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed. 

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing). Continue reading →

and i’ll be your girl if you say its a gift; and you give me some more of your drugs

so. ive realized something pretty major in my life. one of those some things that can really determine a lot about every day from here on. since ive been able to define trust i have considered myself a trusting person. in my adult life i came to postulate that i am too trusting. way too trusting. i open myself up to, well, a lot of people and i trust. trust easily. trust easily, get hurt easily. open up- get burned. well a little while back, at home watching the most real movie about love that ive maybe ever seen, i realized something. i am not too trusting. at all. in fact, the opposite. i am actually too expecting. and not trusting at all. i have been told in very emotionally and physically intimate settings that i am too self conscious, or that i worry too much, or, the most common, that i need to gain confidence. what?! this is what: im not self conscious, or lacking in confidence. im skeptical. and too expecting. i expect you to live up to the standards of humanity that i hold myself too. i see that if I cant live up to the standards that I set, then ultimately you cant either, so my defense mechanism is to act in a manner that is disguised (even to me) as self doubt and self consciousness, tell myself that really im skeptical of who you are and what you say because im actually too closed, and this facade of self consciousness is actually your ‘out’. your ‘out’ of being put on my pedestal with the likelihood of falling. i cant help it. i also think this is why i am so emotionally open. i put it all out there. get out while you can. cause im a lot. a lot of greatness, but if you’re not in for that, then i am giving you an out. im telling you early what im about. everything im about. man, this is just needs to be said. people pay therapists years and years for this shit and all i need is a cold rainy night, a movie about love, in all its forms, and some self efficacy. yes, i like change…

he said, “ill be your night in shining armor.” i said, “no thanks, i have a car.”

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

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i know i might be anxious, but im still not crazy…

so, there are things that we do to get over a break up, heart break, crush, or any other relationship or almost relationship that does not work out the way we hoped planned or wished for. (yes there were a lot of variables in that sentence)..

some people chalk it up to him being a jerk, some to her being a ’floosey.’ (as my grandma would politely say) sometimes they fall out of love, sometimes they just don’t like you. sometimes they just weren’t what you thought they were. sometimes you barely knew them, sometimes you were only physical. maybe your schedules were too different, or maybe you had different ideas of happiness.

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i know there’s little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection that i make

so, this post has been screaming to be written for a few months, and full circle-ly, the person who inspired these thoughts some 3 months ago, presented this idea to me in question form last week. so as life usually bestows itself quite blatantly to me, i am listening and writing…

its interesting, when you’re a player in the dating game, no matter who you are, you meet people quite regularly. possible suitors, if you will. and probably ninety-five percent of the time one of the two of you are not interested, and it goes no where. but in your dating life, there are those people that sneak in sideways and blindside you with an instant connection. and if all goes well (and when does that really happen in dating?!) you begin a happily ever after life together. but, for most of us, it starts with a phone call, a text, a discussion of the next time we see one another. and its with these people that the next time usually occurs as soon as physically possible, because, well, theres a connection- and who wants to let that sit for even a second?

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old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more

this is for a friend. revived and reposted…

i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” Continue reading →