call it… intuition….

you must, stick up for yourself son. nevermind, what anybody else done. stick up for yourself, son. nevermind what anybody else done.

high five.

so, i said i was going to try and decipher what sorts of things i learned in the two year stint that saturn took a tour of my astrological seventh house while holding hands with my sun in virgo.

so here is one that i am feeling especially strong and proud of.

you see, as children, we all grow up with certain understandings and ways of the world and wounds passed on to us from our parents. some of these things are grossly positive, and some not so much. some we get therapy for, and some we never even know we had a choice about. either way, our experiences as a child make us who we are today.

the thing is, thanks to the field of psychology, we know that there are a number of experiences children face that manifest themselves in adults in similar ways. as somewhat conscious or self aware adults, we might call these ‘issues’ or ’schemas’ or any other specific reason that someone else has been know to identify with some of the shit you’re trying to figure out in your adult life. for example, “abandonment issues,” “boundary issues,” “daddy complex,” “emotionally detached,” “emotionally needy.”

these terms are unfortunate though, because they come with such negative connotations that other people, with dissimilar issues, ascribed to them. anyway, i digress.

i have no idea what schema this came from in my life (actually i do, but it’s not really anything you need to know), but i used to have this crazy immense care and concern for what other people thought, and thought of me. now, i’m sure you either had one of two(ish) reactions to that statement. “screw that, you should never care about what other people think. live for you” or “i completely understand, or i still care about what other people think. (and either want to stop, or not even).” because, honestly, the childhood experiences that cause these schemas, or wounds, are very common. and as a child we learned to cope in some way. often these ways of coping fall into two main categories (like above).

so anyway, it is what it is. and usually, believe it or not, we often attract people to us with similar schemas, but opposite coping mechanisms (pull away/cling on tighter, or shut down and ignore/scream louder and lose control). (brilliance)

and this greatly affects our relationships. mostly, if our schemas are deeply enough ingrained, therapy and/or some major self help are the only ways to move on.

well, thanks to an insensitive ex boyfriend (read: the ‘who cares what others’ think’ stance), and being sick of feeling hurt by what others thought or did, or more importantly listening to everyone else, because i cared about their opinions too much…. i do believe that i worked through one of my deepest and hardest relational schemas.

i’m obsessed with perspective. the concept. the noun. the verb of getting. all of it. and i’m sure it stems for caring what everyone thought… about everything. but when perspective truly became important in my life is when i learned its importance to ME. perspective is just there. it does not at all imply importance, or value. it just is.

and once we are able to see things ‘in perspective’ we are able to accurately use it as information included in everything that guides a decision.

but getting to this place of being able to hear and see perspective, and welcome it with an open heart is very difficult. because schemas are, essentially, defense mechanisms that our mind creates to get us through an undesirable experience. and as we know, when defenses are up, no learning or growing or true processing can occur. we are too close to fight or flight, too worried about defending ourselves/survival.

where the hell am i going with all of my psycho babble? right here. i have shed myself of a major defense mechanism, and learned how to gather perspective, for what it is, balance it with what i know and feel, and make choices that i am confident and comfortable with. in life. without placing more importance than deserved on others’ thoughts or suggestions, but also while not placing inflated value on my own.

mostly (keeping with the november theme of new agey, psycho spiraling i’ve been doing), i’ve learned to listen to my gut. and trust it. and allow it to be guided by perspective. not by others’ projected relationship issues. and i’ve learned decipher the difference between the two.

call it listening to my intuition, if you will. but my dear saturn, i’ve learned how to do more that listen to it. i’ve learned to trust, respect, and honor it. even if it makes sense to no one, and i can’t even explain it to myself (see, just embracing feelings).

we live in a society where we are constantly judged and expected to justify everything we say, do, and feel. and all of that is the opposite of intuition.

intuition is loving yourself enough to listen, trust, and be guided by feelings that maybe even you don’t thoroughly understand. it’s calm, and not extreme. often subtle. and we are taught to suppress it. and hide it. and are shamed for it. we are taught extremes- care too much what other people think, or not enough. intuition is listing to what is, and what feels. not what thinks.

you get the point. i’ve fully learned how to assess other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, judgments and wounds and my own, in such a way that i trust and love every decision i make.

i am me. and i love it. but i love the perspective you give, too. i listen to my gut.

the whole world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs. and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear… your wounds with p r i d e.

‘Ambling Alp’- Yeasayer

you give me more than you’ll ever know

kiss me and tell me it’s not broken. kiss me and kiss me ’till i’m dead.

in astrology, the 9th house in a chart is all about higher learning. it covers academic subjects, higher education, cultural learning, publishing, foreign travel, and philosophy.

and in any house, the specific plants in that house, and what sign rules that house affect a person at the level of core being in those areas of life.

i have a few key elements in my ninth house. first, it is ruled by sagittarius. which means that i am on a constant quest for knowledge, which will add to my understanding of the world. i enjoy travel, study, and philosophy- anything that sparks this quest. also, i have jupiter (conjunct uranus) in my ninth house. jupiter, being the planet of abundance, luck, and fortune. therefore it means that i will have a tendency for abundance in the areas that the ninth house represents- higher education and travel (uh, you think?). and lastly, my south node is in my ninth house. the nodes are not planets, but basically energy forces that affect a person like a planet. the north node’s placement in a house represents the area of one’s life that will be an area of constant learning and lessons. essentially, your lesson in this life to learn. the house with the south node, thereby represents an area of extra comfort. the area that one goes to retreat after dealing with the challenges and life lessons of the north node placement.

sagittarius, jupiter, and south node- all in my house of travel and higher learning. this may help give you an idea of how important travel is to me.

traveling gives me perspective. in all sorts of ways. it calibrates my compass for life. and it seems that my relationships in nola seem to adjust, or confirm, or validate, or highlight everything in my life that i like, need, want to change, push for, yearn for, desire, and am. the connections i have there do all of the above things unlike anywhere else.

there are lots of layers underlying my connections and relationships in new orleans. an interconnectedness of people that i’ve met at all different places and times in my life. they all mean something to me that is directly correlated to how deeply i care for, and feel connected to them now. my connections, each individual story of how i met every single person i know in nola is a true testament to the universe’s grand plan and higher purpose. it includes a best friend’s boyfriend, someone that represents love, acceptance, romance and risk, someone that believed in my ability and personal cause, someone that opened their home to me, someone i met the day i got my perspective tattoo that gives me immense inspiration, someone that welcomed me into a group of friends, and many, many more. all of whom touch my soul.

it’s the people. my relationships. the energy of the city. so thank you, nola. for weaving an intricate  web of connections, purposes, lessons, opportunities, emotions, and perspective. without you, i’d not be who i am today.

my love for you is better than dying arms, to you, everything i bestow. and tomorrow i’ll be dancing on my own, and i’ll need a kiss from you for my head that’s aching.

‘To You I Bestow’ – Mundy