this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in. 

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like. 

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world. Continue reading →

separate love from addiction, they’re not the same, i know i see desperation pulling my strings…hey eliza, is this what you want? sometimes you compromise to get the things you need…

so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were). 

so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things.  and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.

i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with. 

and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be. 

there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha. 

and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…                                                

take my hand, come with me, into this crystal scenery

so i’ve written before about letting people in. especially after hurting from a break up. or creating relational schemas from an old relationship, or whatever. but this weekend i was talking to a friend about actually starting to date someone after being single for so long. and she and i are in similar places, having been single for three or so years, and loving ourselves, our lives, and what we have created. and also not ever willing to settle. 

and we have both dated around and met boys that we would like to date who didn’t feel the same way, or had boys want to date us that we didn’t reciprocate. but on the whole, we are strong, single women. looking for the right guy to let in.                                                   and she asked me about something that i have actually thought about a lot, she said, “do you think people just get into relationships cause it is easy? i mean, how do you KNOW that this is the one you want to give up the search for.” and i said, “sheesh, i have no idea. i think the right guy will just make you not even think about being with anyone else. you won’t even think that you are giving up, or that there is possibly someone else.

and this is a thought i have had many times before. usually when i am very casually dating someone i get this freak out moment in my head that maybe this will be the guy. and i won’t be able to go out and try and meet cute boys, or i won’t be able to make-out with that repeat offender that i see every 9 months, and i won’t be able to peruse missed connections hoping to see one about a curly haired red head. and i wonder, is this guy worth the last THREE YEARS i spent growing and loving myself? is THIS the guy to give in for? Continue reading →

there is a black hole at the center of the universe, its gravity is strong and it’s pulling everybody back in, but we’re trying to escape it, trying to escape inevitability

recently i wrote about my fear of the emotional sneak attack. that moment where something from your relational past sneaks up on you when you least expect it and emotionally breaks you in half all over again. something that was difficult for you to process the first time. something that you think you have moved past. something from which, because of its intensity, you are proud and fulfilled to have moved on.

and that post was most certainly written about one situation in particular. and right on key, when i least expected it, i was sneak attacked by a completely and totally different emotional situation. (right on key because the previous writing/awareness of the fear of the specific situation before alleviated the possibility of the attack).

(sorry in advance for the presence of the relational schemas developed from my ex in recent posts, but i’m processing dammit ; )

i guess i’ll explain the relevant schema and then the recent sneak attack and then. i dunno. maybe just telling someone(s) will just help me release it.
my ex was private. and had a laundry list of crazy ex girlfriends. (i know what you’re thinking, i may be crazy, but i’m normal crazy. i just analyze my own shit a lot). and these crazy ex girlfriends would use every bit of information they could to manipulate and use him. also, his parents were very smart psychologists always probing into his personal life. therefore, he was very very private. even when he needn’t be. and towards the end of our relationship thefacebook became a very popular past time of post college grads. and an even more popular past time of my second job out of college desk sitting position self. and then came myspace. and he refused to be a part of this web 2.0 phenomenon. all while relentlessly making fun of me for my involvement with such interwebness. which was fine. and i had the occasional photo of us posted, and said i was in a relationship in my profiles, but i was never that girl that had a gazillion photos of me and my boyfriend up and blah blah (probably because he would never allow it, and i did respect his privacy).

so we dated very seriously for a few years, and (shortly before our breakup) he caved and created his own little space on the net. and i was excited to welcome him to that addicting world of social media. and i saw that his profile said single. and i asked him about it. and he said that he didn’t specifically choose that, and that it must have been the default. and i said, “oh, well then change it silly.” and that was enough neediness (after years of dating) to send him the opposite direction and refuse to change the relationship status because he, “was in fact single, because he was not married.” and then i added him as a friend (duh) and he refused to accept it. saying that it was personal. and that i was part of his everyday life enough. that he didn’t need me snooping into his life (assuming that i would strategically write all over his comments and photos to mark my territory, even though i didn’t keep so much as a hair brush at his house after two years in fear that he would think i was marking my territory). needless to say that was pretty close to the beginning of the end. we broke up a few months later. and then a few months after that, not able to let go of the connection, became best friends again. so i tried again. sent that myspace friend request assuming that he understood that we were broken up and his life was his life and if i did find anything out on is page that was romantically personal that he knew that it was, consequently, my issue to work through. refused. again. Continue reading →

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.                                                                                  
Continue reading →

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently. 

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory. 

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience. 

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

do try it once and then you know. it’s your move. settle for less again. again.

i was thinking about the concept of crushing. you know, having a crush on someone. and, though i understand some of the psychological benefits of getting a crush on someone, i realllllly can’t get past some of the icky effects of having said crush.

so, we have all these chemicals in our brian that make us blissfully sheltered from the harsh realities of life. they allow us to ‘be happy’ and see things positively. actually, they say that, simply put, clinically depressed people see the world with more of an accurate lens. these chemicals don’t allow them to float through life thinking that there are good things where others do. now, those of us that are not depressed, or are taking supplemental chemicals for it, see things as generally good. people as generally good. life as generally good. 

so, back to a crush. why is it that crushes seem to ALLOW us to blatantly ignore anything real that is not one hundred percent positive. it seems that when we crush, our crushee can do no wrong. we get dressed with the anticipation of the first time our eyes meet that night. we arrange our schedules to allow for the maximum amount of possible hang out time. maybe we see them and get butterflies. we talk to them about all the things we have in common. and sooner or later this crush becomes the next persn we want to date. and efforts move forward in that direction.

but. these feel good chemicals that incite all the previously mentioned behaviors sometimes do us a total disservice. they allow us to spiral into wanting to date someone, without ACTUALLY knowing the whole story about them. we only know the good things. s/he is cute. funny. charming. intelligent. and that is all we need to know to swoon. 

so, there was this boy. and he was cute, and we had so much in common. we knew some of the same groups of people. we had similar interests. interesting conversations. and i had a full blown crush. now this crush, thank goodness, didn’t last because of one awkward dating situation or another and i was able to get a more accurate view of who this guy was. and from that awkward moment on, everything he did and said kind of annoyed me. so i immediately started beating myself up for ever crushing on such a stupid boy. and become mad about the crush induced things i did. thinking, ‘why couldn’t i have seen all these things before so i didn’t waste my time on that boy.’  (so i don’t feel the need to berate myself for NOT seeing those things.) Continue reading →

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl. 

word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point. 

The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate. Continue reading →

heart and show stopper, break it off proper

so i have been meaning to write this post for a while. but i’m glad i didn’t. i like to mull things over (read: analyze them to death) until i’m certain of my thoughts. and i think i’ve sufficiently figured this one out. 

a while back my boys were both going through a ‘when it rains it pours’ phase. and i was not (ha.) and saying that phrase repeatedly to me was their way of sympathizing (uh?). like, ‘oh steph it’s the way the universe works.’ like that’s all there is to it. and i began analyzing this concept. and after having a kind of when it rains it pours day earlier this week it now seems so obvious to me why this happens. i feel like a dummy (who says that?) for not seeing straight through it before now. 

i have decided that the phrase ‘when it rains, it pours’ is the noun form of the verb ‘playing it cool.’ 

playing it cool works. it does for a million reasons. the most simple explanation is to apply the scarcity cognitive heuristic to dating and instantly understand why playing it cool works. we place more value on something we may not even be sure we want because of the possibility that we may not be able to have it when we want it. to play it cool is essentially to make yourself less available, thereby making yourself more valuable. (pure academic geek right there).

so. when you are playing it cool you become more valuable to cute boys or girls. and new cute boys and girls see this and want some of your valuable goods (haha i love my mood today). and if you are then interested in said additional cute boy or girl you begin to pursue them as well. and then, your time (availability) is divided even more. INCREASING its value! and therefore desirability! and boom! the cycle continues! creating the ‘when it rains, it pours’ effect. 

the next thing you know you are veritable cute boy/girl dating magnet.

ha. i do believe i have learned my lesson. my crazy brain just needs to put my ridiculous dating life into academic terms and the world makes sense again. woot. 

maneuver well, i tell girls that can’t tell
that say since i don’t look like maxwell
they think i can’t mack well

imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling

pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon. 

this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better. 

and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it. 

have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating. 

and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it. Continue reading →