two of my favorites responded, leaving me with a barrel of entertainment packed into every minute of this show. aubrey  and daisy were my lovey in studio guests, and we had a very interesting time.

tori and i discussed in self aware/new agey (my fav)/ psychological terms (much to daisy’s dismay) the process of becoming aware of certain things in your relationships in order to change them, and attract the right kind of relationships and love.

then Tori did a color wisdom card reading for each of us. (around halfway through the show)

aubrey went first, and we knew then that this was good. Tori was good. she hit on some majorly interesting things  for us.

she chose two colors for aubrey and daisy and reviewed them and their meanings. then she chose two for me, and i actually got one of the same as aubrey’s and one of the same as daisy’s.

she was a little surprised, and then explained that it was probably because i had so much energy invested in their outcomes and that i cared so deeply for their happiness, or something. awwww.

to get a clear picture, she drew three cards for me, and WOW. basically my destiny in life is to heal myself of past wounds and then HELP OTHERS heal/have happy relationships. uh, thank you validation (that i knew all along, but now YOU see ;)

preeeetttty cool. check her out at www.torihartman.com

and listen to the podcast. it’s great.

tori hartman gives us hope.

there’s something fascinating, and endlessly entertaining about getting to know yourself. and then accepting yourself for everything you are.

and i encourage every single person i’ve ever met to do it. understand who you are. why you are. what you are. get rid of what was given to by others. and fill it in with who you want to be.

this entire process will take approximately… your lifetime. but in reality, the fun starts a few years in.

it’s crazy what knowing yourself, and liking all those teeny things that make up who you are will do for your ability to connect with people.

lately, i feel connected. in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me, or scare me. or lead me on. it simply feels, well, simple. we’re all human. we’re all different. we all have intricate, messy, complicated glorious stories of what got us here. right here. and those stories are no one else’s but ours. how exciting is THAT?! yea, i know, you’re thinking the SF heatwave has gone to my head, but no. it hasn’t.

recently, i read two articles (whoa, i’m just realizing that they were both from paste magazine) that really affected me. one was about a well known celebrity (of whom i’ve had a crush on since i was 11) and another a musician. both men. both amazingly, unbashedfully, and wholeheartedly affected by the human condition. by words. by connection. by people. by their stories.

so if you know me, you’ll know that i have a propensity to crush, hard, on certain artist types. some of whom happen to be well known (celebrity). but the fact that i’m so affected by these strangers spirals me into weird and crazy ‘i don’t know you, this is unhealthy’ land. so i have to seriously avoid reading about, or listening to these boys.

and the only way i can explain my craziness to others, explain my crush, my longing for connection with these boys- they get it. they get what it’s like to connect.

maybe it’s the rediscovery of my feelings, and allowing my self to love them, or something, but i just get overwhelmingly excited and hopeful when i see evidence that someone else gets it. like i do. that we’re all in this together.

and where does this leave me right now? basically, that i don’t need to explain it any more.

that i am in love with connection. that i love nothing more than to get to know someone. to connect with someone. through conversation. through music. through sharing. through being. through asking.

other things about me that just are. and i’m ok with them, because they make up who i am:
when i hear a song i love, i play it on repeat. for as long as necessary.
apples and cheese is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable dinner
i am really much worse than i thought at doing dishes, i hate them
and laundry.
when i’m channeling patience, tact and appropriateness in conversation i take short quick breaths.
i maybe like cuddling more than i thought.
i’m obsessed with words.
i’m very deliberate with them.
i have faith in the process. even if i’m not sure what process it is.
i laugh loudly.
my hair will always be… everywhere.
my coffee table cluttered.
i need to talk through things to figure them out.
i love listening to friends, and friends that listen to me.
i will never, ever, be able to quit ice cream.
and i like boys. and it can be that simple.

so for a while, i’ll focus on connecting with people that get it. maybe one of them will be romantic. maybe not. maybe it won’t matter.

there’s a song at the heart of it all and we all try hard
just to write it down but you can’t write it down

ezra furman and the harpoons. the world is alive.

on tuesday, june third (according to gmail) i started making some notes for a post that i wanted to write. a list, really, it was going be about all the things that i really like about boys. or, i like boys that do/have/are these things.

and last week, i read [Redacted] Guy’s “Ten Things Women Do That Men Love” and i suddenly remembered that i was writing a similar post!

in honor of swoon, dating, connection, and smiles i’ve decided to tell you all the things we (well, i) love about you, boys.

*when you dress up.
i know you hate it, and this is one of those times where you really probably do have it worse than us, but you look great. sexy. really sexy. not that i don’t love you in your favorite tee-shit from college with all its holes that permanently smells of you no matter how many times you wash it. i like that too. there is just something that is incredibly attractive, sexy, and comforting about a guy in a suit and tie. maybe it reveals my secret love for certain old school acts of gentlemanhood. but you seem more confident, formal and in control when you’re dressed up (don’t tell my feminist self i said any of this!). like you could saunter calmly past the antagonist at a high brow cocktail party, handsome attire covering your strategic mind racing intelligence, as you conceive a plan to guarantee my safe departure of said party pre-bomb deployment. that kind of control. girls like the bad-boys, but what we like even more? someone that can fight like the bad boys while functioning perfectly in normal society. just know, when you’re worried about sweating your face off at that outdoor wedding in the 95 degree heat, and i’m complaining of how my sundress still isn’t cool enough attire, i’m secretly adoring you and your manhood.

*your beard or 5′oclock shadow
ok so i know everyone isn’t animalistically attracted to big burly facial hair, like i am, but every girl i know can appreciate the slightly disheveled, this is one thing i don’t have control over, face of a man a day or two past shaving. besides loving beards in general, i really love the day or two past the last shave face. it’s one thing to make a conscious choice to not shaves for days, weeks, and months (thereby growing a beard), but there’s something endearing and softening about watching the guy that does maintain a clean shave look see how long he can go before he has to give in. sunday mornings are usually the best for this look. you’re two days into growth, but it’s still the weekend, and for godsake you won’t shave until you have to! i guess what i’m trying to say is, no matter how much a girl may love a clean cut clean shaven guy, it’s the five o’clock on sunday shadow that brings a smile to my face as it reminds me of the very  lovely differences between men and women. it softens your edge.

*the chivalrous things you do that are so subtle we probably don’t even notice.
many of the guys i know are good guys. the kind of guys whose dads taught them how to be gentlemen. and as a woman, who wasn’t taught those things, i probably don’t even know about half of them. but once and a while, a guy friend, or someone i’m dating will do one of the way more subtle (many women probably don’t notice) gentleman acts, without being recognized, or even acknowledged and it warms my heart. these aren’t the ‘go out of your way to open a car door,’ ‘pay for dinner,’ quick win gentleman moves. they are acts that some girls may never even be aware are happening. it’s like you pass the “is he a great guy even when no one is looking test” test without me even realizing you were being tested. my favorite one of these, and a guy i dated was so good at doing this i didn’t even realize that he did it every single time we were together for a few months in,  is walking on the outside of the sidewalk.  or waiting until i get inside my house before you drive away (guys- i, as a female driver, even do this. please, if you don’t already, make this a habit). these little acts are so great at reminding me that there is so much going on up there that i don’t know about. and that you care.

*when you sing along with a favorite song in the car
music is one of those great things that’s not discriminatory of who it affects. we all have that song that brings us back to the best summer of our life, or reminds us of our first crush, or gives us hope, or makes us smile and sing along. and when those songs come on in the car, or in a public place, and you sing along silently or audibly, it makes me smile. music is meant to be an emotional, feelingful experience, and i love watching guys enjoy it.

*when you kill the spider without asking me if i’m serious, telling me i’m a wimp, saying no, or making fun of me before you do it.
i’m a pretty independent, self sufficient gal if i do say so myself. i live alone, and have for almost seven years, so of course i’ve killed my share of creepy crawlies. but you know what’s great about having a boy around when then next CC presents itself? it’s one less that i have to kill. honestly, the crunch of the bug just gets me, ok? and when i can calmly (i mean it, no arms flailing as i stand atop the kitchen counter) ask you to take care of it and you just grab a tissue and do the deed, i love you. that’s it.

*your weird thing for sneakers
i don’t know what it is, but i know a lot of boys with a passion for sneakers. and i think it’s adorable (in a not condescending way, i swear!). i love that you pick up a pair of tennies that looks almost identical to the pair you are wearing and the pair you bought last week, and you are smitten. i love how you decided which of your collection goes with your outfit. and how you ‘tie,’knot,’ or ‘tuck’ your laces. i love that you have dressier kicks for a night out, as well as your go to standbys. i love that you scour for and covet the newest styles or colors. and i love that you have had, want, or currently sport a pair of jordans (again, giving me a glimpse of a world so different than mine).

*when you find my ability to be always right endearing
self explanatory, no?

*when you smile, like really smile, in pictures
i know it’s cheesy (get it? eh? eh?), but you look good when you smile. smiles are happy. and happy people make other people happy. and capturing it on film is a way to spread and preserve happiness. and i love your smile. yes yours. because it’s great. because all smiles are great. so share it. smile in photos. let me know that you’re happy. life is good.

we probably don’t tell you enough boys, the things we love about you. this is definitely a personal list, unendorsed by other females, so don’t hold them to or against anything said here. it’s just my way of thanking you for being so darned cute. when you’re not dating anyone you don’t necessarily have anyone to aim these little acknowledgments at (without it getting weird) but that doesn’t mean you all shouldn’t know.

you’re cute, boys. and i like you. thanks for just a few of the reasons why. xoxo

a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs… a moment, a love
temper trap. sweet disposition

we’ll talked about the perils of dating as a writer, the consequences of his post “you shouldn’t have sex with me” and  what it’s like to date in the city. we talked and our own personal ‘filtering’ process for whom we date, the non negotiables, and hairy boys.

we also did a not so his vs. hers top 5 list. more a steph’s ‘biggest guy complaints in sf’, and noah’s ‘what guys are annoyed with while trying to date in sf’ list sharing.

plus girls peeing in bed, boys being wimping and uncommittal, and pawning of noah for a date. or trying to.

check itttt.

why you shouln’t have sex with me-noah berkowitz.

we discuss the parallels of dating and music making, as well as writing and music making.

they sing songs and discuss dating in new york versus san francisco.

a grand time.

model student musicians discuss dating and music making.

so instead of responding to his ten types of chicks- i’ll just go ahead and compile my own list. the top 10 types of boys you don’t want to date”

in no particular order, here we go.

1.the musician. listen ladies, unless he’s already on tour, and making enough money to afford showers while touring (a hotel room or the like) then he’s just a boy with a pipe dream. you think now that his band playing shows at your fav local venues is cute and exciting, but in three years, when you’ve smelled 75 too many nasty dive bar bathrooms, smoked 242 cartons of cigarettes via second hand smoke, and watched his buddy/band mate pick up 119 different college girls you’ll wish that you wouldn’t've wasted your every thrusday friday saturday monday tuesday and wednesday following his going nowhere hobby instead of living your own life.

2.the financial analyst. first of all, this guy never puts down his blackberry. he can’t honestly believe that some people have the audacity to leave the office before 8pm, and thinks that real businessmen can’t function with a phone that starts with an i. he’s always late for midweek dinner dates, and makes you feel like nothing is as important as the deal he’s closing on that tuesday night. every tuesday night. ’nuff said.

3.the guy with bangs longer than yours. ok, we all know that justin bieber is a preteen sensation that will pass. let’s think back to other teen idols that inspired hair trends that we can clearly call mistakes- joey lawrence, the hanson bros (ok, i was totally in love with that hair, but what did i know?), zack morris.  got it? if his bangs are longer than yours, he has to flip his head nine times to be able to see, and god forbid FLAT IRONS HIS BANGS- run. just run.

4.the frat boy. ok, we’ve all be to college, college parties, or a jersey shore pub crawl. beer pong was fun when we could use our age as a reason to be stupid enough to admit drinking for no other reason than getting completely obliterated. leaving the marina at 2 am to go play beer pong is never a good idea. (learn this one from my mistake, please)

5.the unemployed. yes, i know the status of our economy. and yes i know that trying to find a job is crazy difficult right now. but i don’t need to be supporting you. and i know that you think i’m groovy, and want to hang out other places than the couch watching movies. but those other places cost money. not to mention the weird uncalled for insecurity you get when i pay because you resent not only my paying job, but my managerial status and adult income bracket. sorry boys. i don’t do well with projected resentment.

6.the wanderlust.  we all love those days where we leave the house in the morning and go where the wind takes us- usually including dolores park, a liquor store, zeitgeist, a shared bathroom stall, the grocery store frozen food isle, and possibly a strangers bedroom. and those days create fond memories. but we wake up and go back to normal life. if this sounds like normal life then we need not talk. see number 5.

7.the heartbroken. nothing is worse than coaching your date through his heartbreak from another girl. boys if you are not ready to date, then DON’T DATE. it’s hard enough for me to keep my confidence after years of failed dates, but when you ask me out, and then three neat whiskeys in you confess that you still love her, and would do anything to have her back, i have no other option but to pity you, and invalidate my own feelings of frustration. enough boys, move on. she did.

8.the ‘avoid the DTR at all costs’ guy. dudes, there is a point where we MUST Define the Relationship. i know this is SF, and peter pan syndrome runs as rampant as new start-ups. but guess what? when we are seeing each other for three months it is NOT unreasonable to want to know where we stand. because believe it or not, we’re not all waiting with baited breathe for you to commit to us. in fact, most of the time, if you’re not looking for what we are, we want out. but we need to know what you’re looking for to make that call. have relationships already. get over yourself and what you think are your options.

9.the guy that is still friends with the same group of friends he had in high school. listen, i know you’ve been through a lot together, but going out with a group of people and hearing stories from 12 years ago gets old. and no girl wants to feel like she’s got to compete with that history to simply be able to join the conversation. we all have friends that we’ve known since high school. but there are A TON of other people in this world that DIDN’T happen to live within 19 mile radius of where our parents bought a house. and some of them are awesome. so open your eyes.

10.and last but not least the guy that knows everything about you because he’s been following you on twitter, tumblr, friendfeed, and flickr for a year. hey guy, relationships are about SHARING. not consuming. when you already know, or think you know, everything about me that means the relationship is over. there is nothing else to discuss. so try not to stalk me online if you actually want to date me. and try asking me about ME. and maybe i’ll ask you about you. and we’ll create a RELATIONSHIP.

i wish these didn’t come to me so easily. but, well, they did. they all just happened to be in my brain. i wonder why.

now of course we know that there are exaggerations. and most importantly, i have compassion for you if you happen to be one, or any combination of the above guys. i just don’t recommend dating you. and i think it’s clear why.

we discuss what it means to ‘be ready’ to start dating, the importance of knowing yourself and what you want, and being present while on a first date.

“i learned more about myself and…learning how to be true to myself…”

a GREAT show!!

first dates, lying about your height, and figuring out what you want.

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.