desperate or scared… beg for it, or run from it?

but there I go again, wishing never solved a problem.

last weekend i was talking with a friend about a pretty common website. and the writing done on that website. and though it is a common website, the purpose of it is not inherently good. and in postulating how or why one would write such ummm not positive energy stuff my friend (one that i am just recently getting to actually know) says to me, “i mean, let’s put it this way- i read your writing, and [the writing on that site] is exactly the opposite of your writing.” and at first i was like, ummm, what’s that supposed to mean? and my friend went on to explain.

he said, the thing about your writing is that you put yourself out there a hundred and ten times over. you are genuine, and honest, and transparent, and open. about yourself. and it is enjoyable in a world where we preach transparency on websites and to companies, it is rarely done in such a way that is so … real.

and i was, obviously, immensely complimented. but it really got me thinking. sometimes i write on this blog my rational theories and logical ramblings. and sometimes i pour my guts out. and honestly, i forget that people not only read these blabblings, but identify, and think that i have something to offer. and i guess, if i had one hope of what someone took away from this blog it would be just that- that i am an open, honest, genuine person just navigating my way through life and love like anyone else. and i am not better that anyone for any reason.

so, as i sit in the coffee shop where stephdub.com was born, on a friday afternoon, i will, once again, pour my guts out.

i just finished reading this novel, “all we ever wanted was everything.” and all you really need to know about it is in the title. a common phase that’s meaning never affects me less than the first time i heard it. and i will admit that this week i watched my first and last episode of this season’s the bachelor. it was the finale. and i watched follow up where are they now (6 weeks later) special after.

and while watching the bachelor i, of course, started bawling. i mean b.a.w.l.i.n.g. for a million reasons. first for the cookie cutter ‘perfect’ love that i feel i may never have. then for feeling inadequate for not being as perfect as their love showed them to be. then for feeling sorry for myself for not having that in my life right now. then for feeling desperate. and then i continued crying for the mere fact that i was bawling over the bachelor and over my newly acquired desperation for love.

and this week. it’s been interesting. i have started having complete break down moments in my apartment, by myself, just crying. feeling a complete hole in my heart. and in my life. where i am ready for someone to be. and last night, this break down turned slightly overwhelming. and i just became petrified.

petrified of being desperate. and then thinking that in reality i am absolutely not desperate. because i am in fact petrified of meeting someone. of letting someone in. of becoming vulnerable. i used to throw myself under the vulnerability bus in my last relationship. i would feel and tell him how i felt. and he would tell me that i was feeling too much. i would want to talk about things. finish fights right then and there. and now, i watch people on tv, and friends in my life react to relationship situations and i think. that was me. i did that. and now, no way. now, i’d walk away. now i’d shut down. i was never the ’shutdown’er. i was the thunderstorm of thoughts and emotions. and my boyfriend was the shutdowner. would just tell me to leave his house when we had a fight (i’d want to finish it right then and there).

and so there i was- having a total total rock bottom emotional freak out. unable to decide if i am desperate for love and affection, or petrified of it, want to run in the total opposite direction of it. and, well, that’s where i remain. completely overwhelmed with my bipolar thoughts feelings and emotions. realizing that i have never been here, at this interesting moment of single life. (this month it will be three years of single.)

(and about to enter to holyland of hookups- SXSW. maybe this will help? :/ )

if you wanna get big time, go ahead and get, get big time. ah, ah… oh, give and give and give it, until you just can’t give no more.

logistical life just getting in the way of connection

hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery.

so i’ve had this theory for a while. about the beginning stages of dating. specifically like the first ‘date’ time frame. and as i was going to write about this theory as it pertains to the last boy i met (the one that i was most certain wouldn’t amount to anything), he went and blew my theory.

but not to worry. as things played out, his exception ended up proving the rule. (mind you being right and smart when it leaves you single and alone really equals a wash.) so here we go.

i think that the harder it is to ‘get together’ when you first meet someone the less likely anything will come of it. i mean, ok, duh you say. but hear me out. i think that the more difficult it is to reconnect the less you remember the reasons you wanted to get to know each other in the first place. more importantly, i think that a lot of good and possible connections get totally lost because of the logistical nightmares that are our busy lives. and this is sucky.

there is a small range of time where the excitement of meeting someone will light you with a fire to plow through the routine of life and work to meet up. but if for some reason, schedules get in the way and make it logistically difficult to meet up within this small window of time, the chances that you actually will diminish exponentially.

let me give an example. two people meet, say, at a bar. they hit it off. they both have an active life, single and on the go (read: population SF). and since they meet on a weekend they wait to connect via phone until early in the week. they connect and it is great, suggest meeting up the next weekend. but, unfortunately one of them has plans to go out of town. plans that were made long before they met the cute someone at the bar. so they agree to reconnect post out of town weekend. and by this point we are looking at ten plus days since the initial meeting. and to keep with a general comfort zone of first date timing, this date will most likely take place on a weekend. so by this point, the two have connected and got excited and then had to live their normal lives for nearly two weeks before the possibly of continuing that excitement even enters the picture.

it is at this point that after a few hits and misses of hanging out, all merely due to scheduling, one or both of the parties fall victim to the annoyance of scheduling and awkwardness of it not working out and look the excitement and initial connection in the eye and say, “whatever, see ya later.” the stupid rational everyday life stuff just gets in the way of pursuing a possible connection.

and this little fact of life sucks. so as much as we have been taught to follow to the “rules” of dating, and wait a few days before calling. and this and that…. just don’t. because life will get in the way. make it happen.

i have seen this same thing happen over and over, in my own life, and in others’. and it is ultimately disappointing. and the rational one in my says, “well steph, if they liked you enough they would make it work.” but i swear, that is not the case. cause three weeks is a long time to try and remember what it was that sparked some sort of interest one night in a bar. and the connection becomes a memory that incites zero feeling after a while.

this is just annoying. that’s all.

for the record. that boy that i thought would lead no where actually texted me two weeks after our last contact. asking what i was doing that night. we tried to arrange to meet up that night, and he ended up working late. and the rest is history. done and done.

so say goodbye to love,
and hold your head up high.
there’s no need to rush
we’re all just waiting, waiting to die.

competition just doesn’t fit

you would seem so frail in the cold of the night when the armies of emotion go out to fight

ok. so i mentioned last post that i would be discussing the topic of competition. and so i will do just that. except, i am going to talk about competition in relation to apathy. because, well, that seems to be where i am right now.

it used to be that when i was out and about for a night on the town (cruising for dudes, ok, not really) and i saw an attractive boy i would do one or more of the following things: think about how i could get his attention, let my friends know that i am into him, initiate conversation, give him my number, get his number, make it a semi priority of the night to go through these steps.

and if for some reason, he would, say, be interested in one of my friends, or be blatantly not interested in me i would get disappointed. not mad at either said friend, or unknown boy. just get the ‘ugh’ factor. the, ‘oh of COURSE they like her,’ whomever she may be. it is natural. it’s natural to be disappointed when someone you are interested in (no matter the level of interaction between the two of you) is not interested back, and then even worse when they ARE interested in someone with which you are friends. it’s nothing against anyone in particular, just frustrating, especially after it happens a few or more times.

so, whether or not you and your friends intend to be competitive with one another, it is inevitable. you are out together, swimming in the same pool of potential daters. and the fact that you are friends means you probably like some of the same qualities in friends/dates and therefore it is entirely likely that you will not only be swimming in the same pool but towards the same buoy (yea, yea, you like that?).

and competition, in moderation, as most therapists will tell you, is healthy. it motivates us to be a better us. to try our hardest. yet, it is easy, especially for certain personality types to become overly competitive, most likely unconsciously. especially when it comes to dating. i mean, a) we are all trying to find the one, b) we all want to show possible suitors how great we are, and c) we know we have limited opportunity to do such, so we must make the most of it.

and because all of this is human nature, and happens in every single group of friends (cause that is what our dating culture has become, groups of singles going out to find other groups of singles) we don’t really ever stop and think about how unnatural this competition actually is when applied to dating.

so, merge this realization with my recent dating apathy, and we arrive back at one of my major all time truths of dating and relationships- there is something so inherent and human and animalistic and feeling filled about love, romance and attraction that one cannot help who he/she is interested in, falls for, or loves.

see the thing about competition(v.) (rather, the act of being competitive) that just contradicts all of the above is that it implies that the competitor has some influence on the outcome of the ‘competition(n.).’ and love and dating just don’t work like that. we are human, and though we (americans especially) place rationality on an impossibly high pedestal, feelings and emotionality play and EQUAL role in everything we do. and no matter how competitive and rational and calculating we become, none of that fits into dating.

so here i am, in my apathetic state, thinking that trying to get some one’s attention and trying to convince them to like you (whether it be at a bar, or someone you may know and like more intimately) is just um, well, to be blunt, pointless. you can’t help who you like, and neither can they.

and even more importantly. i am really beginning to understand that, with very few exceptions to the rule, at this age, if someone IS interested in you, they will most CERTAINLY make it clear in a way that you are sure to hear (all this without ever reading nor seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’). we are adults, and though we like to conveniently forget this fact (especially in regards to accountability), we are remarkably good at going after what we want. therefore, there seems to be no room, nor need for competition, of any type, in dating.

so forget this cruel world where I belong, i’ll just sit and wait and sing my song. and if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

sometimes a break is needed. but, we gotta stay positive.

cause it’s one thing to start it with a positive jam, and it’s another thing to see it all through

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

reaching the first dating milestone

why am i not surprised by your condition, when you look at me and ask me what to do, and i say to you, “you need to think this through.”

so i have a few friends that are in this interesting spot of dating. and what really hits me is that they all begin to react to this dating milestone in the same manner.

i’m talking about the two or three month in, stop and think about where this is going, intersection. and i think this is a really hard spot in dating for all parties involved. it is this pivotal moment that demands our  attention and action.

it is usually in this period of time when you’ve gathered enough information about the person that you’ve been seeing/dating to know whether or not you wish to continue. yes, i believe that it takes a minimum of 3 months of dating to really begin to get an accurate understanding of who the other is, how they do/will/would fit into your life, and what the next few months could look like. what i see happening in my friends is the half unconscious half conscious evaluation of the costs and benefits of dating the person they are, understanding what they like and dislike about the person, and what comes next. and coincidentally my friends all seem to lean towards ending things rather than continuing.

what sucks for everyone involved is that when the three month period becomes this crossroad point of dating there is usually one party that wants to continue dating, enter the next milestone and commit to the relationship, and one person usually saying, “eh”. (because if both parties want to continue then this moment doesn’t inspire any introspection, and is usually skated through. and if both parties think that it is going nowhere then it usually doesn’t even last 3 months.) and the “eh” party has one of two choices: actively break it off with the other, or passively shut down and wait for the other to pick up on it. and i guess what i’m trying to get at is that owning up and breaking up with someone is as difficult as being broken up with.

obviously three months is long enough to become attached and know someone pretty personally. and for any relationship to get that far is an accomplishment, for both parties. but i think the reason that some people begin to shut down, and avoid dealing with the breakup is because they DO care about the other person. and therefore don’t want to do the hard thing- tell someone that they DO care about that they just don’t see a future with that person. it just doesn’t seem to fit.

and sometimes, there isn’t really a specific reason to give the other. sometimes what seemed right in week 6 of dating doesn’t in week 9. and to articulate that, in a sympathetic way, to someone you care about is ridiculously difficult. so, often, that conversation is avoided at all costs. or it is done over the phone, or over text. where the ‘dumper’ doesn’t have to see the disappointed face of someone they care about.

and really this just sucks for everyone. after having the initial ’shut down’ reaction, one of my friends decided NOT to go this route. decided to to have the difficult conversation.

and it was hard. and made me proud and thankful for the accountability attached to this breakup. and weaving this in with my lesson of 2008, i think that this is the way it should go.

this is probably the most common relational intersection. the moment of ‘is this going where i want it to.’ and so i am going to just throw a little nonjudgemental perspective into the wind. we have all been at this moment, and many of us will have numerous more pauses at this very intersection of life. and we have all probably been on both sides of the do i want to continue this fence. and it is hard to be on either. so my suggestion. be present in your dating life. chose that you want to continue or end with the person and own that decision. if perhaps you decide not to continue know that the greatest thing you can offer to that relationship at that moment is truth, honesty and accountability. and if you are the one wanting to continue, and the other doesn’t, know that you put in what you could and that the decision was difficult for them.

dating is hard. non of us want to be broken up with. but none of us want to be the bad guy either. so stay true to yourself and give the other person the courtesy of not having to deal with a jerk.

this is your own mess that you’ve got into
have a cigarette hope the best turns out for you
and i say you you need to think this through
why can’t we just laugh forget and move on
let’s make a toast from coast to coast for all the things we’ve done

my thanks to you, twothousandandeight.

time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it.

so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.

so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight.

and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.

and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it.

needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.

and there i was. left sitting with my all encompassing lesson learned, thankful for experience, biggest revelation, and overall taking away from 2008: pride.

i’m not talking the deadly sin type of pride. i am talking the accountability, conscious of your actions, no regrets type of pride. i have 2008 and all of its players to thank for the greatest gift i could have ever asked for. internal self worth and pride.

and it must be said, that, long ago, the exboyfriend that has inspired so much of my writing was the first person to think it important that i understand this concept. now, he may not have been the best teacher of the concept, but he meant well. thus, my attribution of the beginning of this life changing year to him. he was the one to teach me the idea that i am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, thoughts, or actions. that i am responsible for myself. and only myself. what i had to learn on my own, often the hard way, was what this truly meant.

it meant that i didn’t have to give up all the nice qualities i enojyed having. it did not constitute being mean. or unthoughtful, or unkind. it meant having boundaries between my feelings and actions and others’.

and my dear friend corporate america added to my understanding of this huge life concept that i was beginning to experience. it was in merchandise mart that i learned what an immense amount of value i personally placed on accountability. owning one’s actions. understanding the difference between placing blame and worth and response on someone or something else.

and if there is one truth among truths it is that learning and growth can absolutely not occur in a threatened, defensive, unsafe environment. san francisco enters stage left. a new and unbelievably understanding and advanced city of friends has taught me to be proud. proud of the actions i own. proud of the steps i take, the mistakes i make, and everything i do that adds up to steph. friends that allow me to live, learn, and grow. in that order.

so with all these huge life concepts going on in my life and brain, 2008 taught me how to blend them all into a way of living. no. a way of being.

with the acceptance of friends and family that support and encourage me without judgement, i was able to understand what it meant to truly feel an immense amount of self worth that no one could take from me. cause it was mine. and more importantly, to not put myself in situations where i am giving up this right, this ownership of my feelings, actions and… pride.

i could not be more grateful for the ability to fully understand the consequences on my actions, and act based on them. OWNING everything i do. being fully conscious and proud of every step i take. whether it is not posting a blog that would consequently give someone in my life more power than he deserves. not going home with that boy because in the morning i would feel terrible about myself. not drinking to oblivion every night because everything will still be there, throbbing, in the morning. for NOT telling everyone everything, because some thoughts and emotions are mine, and mine alone. for understanding the value of NOT talking about ‘it’ right away. for understanding the process. for understanding that there IS a process. for writing, for me, with no hopes or expectations of anyones’ reactions,

so here i am twothousandandeight, thanking you with all of my heart, for this life changing lesson. the lesson to act consciously and positively for myself, and for others. for opening myself to this journey. for enjoying the immense amount of power self worth has bestowed upon me. for everything.

break it like you mean it, boy. say it like you’ve said it before, you’re just in time to make your mistake, had all the time i can take.

giving up the awkward

this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in.

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like.

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world.

at first i thought it was the type of people i was meeting in san francisco. this magical little town is comprised of 90% non natives with like minds, that are attracted to a place where innovation, support, open mindedness and success are cornerstones of living. and i had not previously lived in a place where such a large percentage of the population “got it.” so i chalked it up to the universe guiding me to the exact right place for me.

and that is by no means false or any less important now that i ALSO realize that i have outgrown being awkward at all times. but i now know that it is not just san francisco. cause lately, and oddly, i have found that i am opening myself up to much more genuine and non-awkward relationships with people that do not live in san francisco.

i’ve always had this weird habit of connecting with boys that live in other cities. and i could see how that was possibly a way of putting up a wall on letting things be easy, natural, genuine and not awkward. i made it so that whenever i saw these people from other cities the awkwardness would be sooo monumental that when i ‘plowed’ through it i felt excited and alive and rejuvenated. and that excitement transferred to my feelings for that person (holy shit. sometimes when i apply theories to my own life shit becomes so clear). whoa, not quite over the fact that i just typed that rational understanding of something i have never been able to really pinpoint. deep breath.

but lately, it seems as though i am having these honest, real, amazing connections with people in my city and others, without ever having to plow through any awkwardness. and it is so unbelievably…. nice. that is the only way to put it. nice. it is a calm connection. there is no earth shattering excitement transfer. i guess feel like i am opening myself up to people with a less guarded disposition. and creating amazing connections without awkwardness.

is it possible that i have outgrown my “all things awkward” lifestyle?

jane austin, where have you gone? is it anyone’s fault, that we escape into our own defense… you don’t know what it’s like… to be american.

how do you know you want to stop being single?

take my hand, come with me, into this crystal scenery

so i’ve written before about letting people in. especially after hurting from a break up. or creating relational schemas from an old relationship, or whatever. but this weekend i was talking to a friend about actually starting to date someone after being single for so long. and she and i are in similar places, having been single for three or so years, and loving ourselves, our lives, and what we have created. and also not ever willing to settle.

and we have both dated around and met boys that we would like to date who didn’t feel the same way, or had boys want to date us that we didn’t reciprocate. but on the whole, we are strong, single women. looking for the right guy to let in.

and she asked me about something that i have actually thought about a lot, she said, “do you think people just get into relationships cause it is easy? i mean, how do you KNOW that this is the one you want to give up the search for.” and i said, “sheesh, i have no idea. i think the right guy will just make you not even think about being with anyone else. you won’t even think that you are giving up, or that there is possibly someone else.

and this is a thought i have had many times before. usually when i am very casually dating someone i get this freak out moment in my head that maybe this will be the guy. and i won’t be able to go out and try and meet cute boys, or i won’t be able to make-out with that repeat offender that i see every 9 months, and i won’t be able to peruse missed connections hoping to see one about a curly haired red head. and i wonder, is this guy worth the last THREE YEARS i spent growing and loving myself? is THIS the guy to give in for?

and then i wonder. if i am thinking that way, then am i settling? i mean, being single is a roller coaster. sometimes you can’t imagine ever giving up your freedom, or independence, or self love for someone else. and the sometimes you can’t stand the thought of sleeping alone in your bed one more night. and sometimes you give in to the drunken attention and invite someone into your bed that you know will not break the single streak just to fill that void. and sometimes you close yourself off to someone that may actually be good to break the streak with because you want make sure you are representing everything that three years has meant, and not settling.

so. how do you know that the person you are casually dating is the person you want to be exclusively dating. my first thought is that it should be a no brainer. you should just want to be with that person so much that the other questions are non issues. not to be a jerk cause we will get to me next, but what about those serial monogamers that go from one relationship to another. they don’t even ever THINK about all the things that one must ‘give up’ to be in a relationship. and to touch on us, the hold on to our single lifers, the ones that are always single, never in a relationship, we gotta give in and do it sometime.

so, where is the balance? how do we let someone in without not losing all the lessons learned and growth from being genuinely single and self sufficient for an extended period of time. without becoming someone that does not know how to be single, always going from relationship to relationship and risking our self worth be comprised of the attention we get from a significant other.

you would never have the time
i would love to change your mind
you were there
and it was good in the beginning
you were there
we were good in the beginning

social media’s sneak attack on relational schemas

letting the nice guys in

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.

but i have acknowledged that this is not healthy. and recently have even had conversations with a girlfriend about how refreshing it is for her to be dating someone that is nice, and gentle, and LIKES her. and tells her. and compliments her. and ALSO allows her to be her.

and then, while in the midwest, i had a weekend filled with a nice boy (again, i try to avoid at all costs talking about one person in particular in my writing, especially if they read… but i’m making exceptions today, hoping he will understand). and it was like having an out of body experience. he said nice things. compliments. was kind and caring. and i felt it was genuine. and i know it was. but i just couldn’t fully embrace the things he said. i know that he meant them, which is more than i can usually believe, and i wanted to allow myself to feel the way one is supposed to feel when they are with a nice fun cute caring boy/girl that they have a lot in common with, but i couldn’t feel. maybe it is because of my affliction for having a connection with boys that live far away, and the accompanying resolution to not go there anymore. maybe i’m jaded. maybe i’m stubborn. maybe i’m broken. i’m not sure.

but this boy. he said things that i hear in movies and dream of having said to me. nothing over the top. the normal things that nice, cute normal boys say to girls they like. it’s pathetic, but after dating

the not nice guys it is these NORMAL, not over the top, things that i dream of having said to me. and here i was, this weekend, hearing them. and feeling calm and thankful and enjoying my time with this boy. but it was like i had this screen door protecting me. like i would let the nice things come in with the breeze but the door was locked so ultimately he could not come inside. (mind you, he lives far far away so, in this case, the screen door’s purpose was served).

it just got me thinking. i am a hopeless hopeless romantic. but i think deep down, i don’t think that all the things that come with romance will ever be mine. like i don’t deserve, or need them. and it seems as though my psyche is ok with that. i just don’t expect them to happen to me. (therefore, in the way the universe works, they will never actually come to me).

so what now. well, first. thank you. nice boy. you know who you are. and you have unknowingly opened me up a little more. helped me walk closer to the screen door. and provided me with a few of those off the cuff but honest movie lines that i will replay in my mind for a long time to come. second, umm… i’m not sure of what comes next…

and even though we’re free from the evil communist party, my mother she still makes believe that heaven is far from her heart