there really ain’t no difference, in michigan and maine… if you ain’t here to see this, i’m missing just the same.
open all night (seveneleven)
so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.
and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.
so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.
the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.
what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.
and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.
the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.
and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.
i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.
tears rolling down your face. the vapours all up in the place. guess i’m alive today at least, while i ventilate.
ten reasons why i’m still here…
i haven’t really been talking much about dating on here the last few days. for a few reasons. well, first, i’m not. dating that is. shocker. broken record on repeat over and over- SF dating is hard and different and weird and blah. there are tons of other reasons. mostly, since i’m doing nablopomo i thought maybe you’d get reallllly bored with dating and relationships and want to hear me talk about self awareness, astrology, personal growth and love. hah. well tough. you got that anyway.
but tonight i’m going to talk about a totally weird and totally normal thing that is part of dating, and mating. it’s funny, because i wrote a paper in college on this exact subject, and here i am about to use what i learned. i didn’t pay for that.
BO. as in body odor. we all have it. well, could. we wash prematurely to send it the message that it is not welcome. and we wear chemically created goo in our underarms to avoid emitting the odor when we are not washing. and perfume/cologne, we all wear that for different reasons. either way, in our culture, BO is just plain gross and stinky.
except when it is not. i will bet that, unless you were raised in a completely OCD household, and have a obvious lack of perspective in life, you’ve smelled someones BO and thought, oh, that’s not really that gross. it just…is. because we all emit pheromones, smells specific to our body chemistry, that mix well with others’. or don’t. and not so oddly, something that would smell super stinky to someone else, may not smell that stinkified to us.
and, applying a scientific perspective to love (mating, same thing right?) for moment, i can clearly see how this human ‘function’ would prove to be really very handy. some people have smells that you just can’t stand. and some have smells that you oddly enjoy, and may bring emotional/mental comfort of some sort. my ex had a smell so strong (not BO, just body chemistry) that after we broke up i had to wash my sheets three and four times until i could sleep. my mom has a comforter at her house that we used once at christmas during a visit and it held his smell for probably a year and a half after we broke up. we all have a personal scent. and that can sometimes, usually actually, include perfume, shampoo, lotion, laundry detergent… but even if it includes those outside scents, they are mixed with our body oils and chemistry to become “our smell.” and it’s these scents that help us unconsciously, at an genetic level, decipher who should and should not be our mate.
i have a friend that doesn’t wear deodorant. a thirty year old male friend that just doesn’t do it. he has decided that if someone can handle his man stench, then that’s a positive sign. and, mostly, i agree with him. there is something to be said about someones scent, even if it is BO.
this summer i had a rendezvous or two with a boy that one of my guy friends thought had terrible, no good BO. gag inducing BO. and though said boy rode his bike all day, walked barefoot in the park all too often, and wore the same clothes for days at a time, his smell never really bothered me (mind you i had witnessed the shower time, so i knew he wasn’t, in fact, completely dirty).
and last week, i was nearly, for lack of better word, intoxicated by the smell of a particular someones post bike ride sweat… more than once. i believe it is part of the bigger plan to help us attract a mate that is right for us.
smells. we have them. we are dirty, messy, living creatures that ooze and leak all sorts of questionably fragrant substances. so when they don’t bother you, and in fact may even entice you, you can know that you’ve at least got that right.
however, last night, the group of 5 grown, large, and hairy men next to me rocking out at the pixies shows were. not. that. case. i gagged more than once.
thanks for that, universe. the reminder that most of the boys in SF just plain stink.
you know i had my share of doubt, until i saw the vapours in your eyes.
you must, stick up for yourself son. nevermind, what anybody else done. stick up for yourself, son. nevermind what anybody else done.
high five.
so, i said i was going to try and decipher what sorts of things i learned in the two year stint that saturn took a tour of my astrological seventh house while holding hands with my sun in virgo.
so here is one that i am feeling especially strong and proud of.
you see, as children, we all grow up with certain understandings and ways of the world and wounds passed on to us from our parents. some of these things are grossly positive, and some not so much. some we get therapy for, and some we never even know we had a choice about. either way, our experiences as a child make us who we are today.
the thing is, thanks to the field of psychology, we know that there are a number of experiences children face that manifest themselves in adults in similar ways. as somewhat conscious or self aware adults, we might call these ‘issues’ or ’schemas’ or any other specific reason that someone else has been know to identify with some of the shit you’re trying to figure out in your adult life. for example, “abandonment issues,” “boundary issues,” “daddy complex,” “emotionally detached,” “emotionally needy.”
these terms are unfortunate though, because they come with such negative connotations that other people, with dissimilar issues, ascribed to them. anyway, i digress.
i have no idea what schema this came from in my life (actually i do, but it’s not really anything you need to know), but i used to have this crazy immense care and concern for what other people thought, and thought of me. now, i’m sure you either had one of two(ish) reactions to that statement. “screw that, you should never care about what other people think. live for you” or “i completely understand, or i still care about what other people think. (and either want to stop, or not even).” because, honestly, the childhood experiences that cause these schemas, or wounds, are very common. and as a child we learned to cope in some way. often these ways of coping fall into two main categories (like above).
so anyway, it is what it is. and usually, believe it or not, we often attract people to us with similar schemas, but opposite coping mechanisms (pull away/cling on tighter, or shut down and ignore/scream louder and lose control). (brilliance)
and this greatly affects our relationships. mostly, if our schemas are deeply enough ingrained, therapy and/or some major self help are the only ways to move on.
well, thanks to an insensitive ex boyfriend (read: the ‘who cares what others’ think’ stance), and being sick of feeling hurt by what others thought or did, or more importantly listening to everyone else, because i cared about their opinions too much…. i do believe that i worked through one of my deepest and hardest relational schemas.
i’m obsessed with perspective. the concept. the noun. the verb of getting. all of it. and i’m sure it stems for caring what everyone thought… about everything. but when perspective truly became important in my life is when i learned its importance to ME. perspective is just there. it does not at all imply importance, or value. it just is.
and once we are able to see things ‘in perspective’ we are able to accurately use it as information included in everything that guides a decision.
but getting to this place of being able to hear and see perspective, and welcome it with an open heart is very difficult. because schemas are, essentially, defense mechanisms that our mind creates to get us through an undesirable experience. and as we know, when defenses are up, no learning or growing or true processing can occur. we are too close to fight or flight, too worried about defending ourselves/survival.
where the hell am i going with all of my psycho babble? right here. i have shed myself of a major defense mechanism, and learned how to gather perspective, for what it is, balance it with what i know and feel, and make choices that i am confident and comfortable with. in life. without placing more importance than deserved on others’ thoughts or suggestions, but also while not placing inflated value on my own.
mostly (keeping with the november theme of new agey, psycho spiraling i’ve been doing), i’ve learned to listen to my gut. and trust it. and allow it to be guided by perspective. not by others’ projected relationship issues. and i’ve learned decipher the difference between the two.
call it listening to my intuition, if you will. but my dear saturn, i’ve learned how to do more that listen to it. i’ve learned to trust, respect, and honor it. even if it makes sense to no one, and i can’t even explain it to myself (see, just embracing feelings).
we live in a society where we are constantly judged and expected to justify everything we say, do, and feel. and all of that is the opposite of intuition.
intuition is loving yourself enough to listen, trust, and be guided by feelings that maybe even you don’t thoroughly understand. it’s calm, and not extreme. often subtle. and we are taught to suppress it. and hide it. and are shamed for it. we are taught extremes- care too much what other people think, or not enough. intuition is listing to what is, and what feels. not what thinks.
you get the point. i’ve fully learned how to assess other peoples’ thoughts, opinions, judgments and wounds and my own, in such a way that i trust and love every decision i make.
i am me. and i love it. but i love the perspective you give, too. i listen to my gut.
the whole world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs. and if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear… your wounds with p r i d e.
roll, up your sleeves for winter, and i can wait till summer, when you’re warmer. roll, up your sleeves we’re heading for winter i know, the nights will get colder. and i’ll make my bed, make sure i’m all fed and asleep, and wake when we’re older.
day 4.
and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.
so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?
another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.
so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.
and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.
well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.
and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.
and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”
i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.
i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.
