know your non-negotiables.

can we make out and pretend it’s all there? cause you know, i’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t come through but it might come along soon and until that, you will do.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world.

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something.

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE.

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned?

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed.

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship.

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new.

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship.

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic.

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you.

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

friends of the opposite sex…

when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends

it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?

interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not – you’ll know.

and of course i love my girlfriends to death. but i’ve got my close ones, and i’m really not looking to make new friends that are girls. because, honestly, its draining, time consuming, and energy intensive. and right now in my life, i’d like to put that energy into finding my soul mate. correction- my romantic soul mate. i have my friend soul mates.

so this week i verbalize these thoughts to my boys. explaining my rationale about my abundance of male friend companions. they agree with my theories on male friendships and we move it.

and then, a few days later, it gets interesting.  one of the boys has been seeing this girl. and shes cute, and they have fun, and all that stuff. but after a few cocktails he admits that he thinks he may not want to continue seeing her. why?, i ask. because all her friends are dudes!, he replies. and there i am, suddenly aware of myself… standing at the bar in flip flops, a black tee, comfy bike capris, and no makeup on- surrounded by 4 guys.

i encourage him to explain, trying desperately not to make the conversation about me just yet. and i say, oh yea well i mean i get it. hanging out with guys you don’t know can be pretty weird. (thinking about why meeting new girlfriends is so draining, assuming it is similar with guys). and he continues, no it’s not just that… they’re all just waiting in line for their chance to sleep with her!. and instantly i wonder, am i screwed for life because all my friends are guys?!

and i begin to analyze. is this the general feeling about ‘guys’ girls,’ or girls who naturally get along easily with guys, and enjoy the low drama company males? are the guys they date, or try to date, wondering what is going on in the background with all of their guy friends?

and ultimately, my head starts to spin with questions and thoughts and theories on how my romantic relationship life has been, and will be, affected by my propensity for high quantities of male friends.

am i naive to think that straight twentysomethings can be just friends with the opposite sex? and is this naivete affecting any of my current relationships? am i shooting myself in the dating game foot because all my friends are guys? and then… the ultimate question – are ‘my boys’ just waiting in line to sleep with me!? nah. that i just do not honestly believe… but this is where my rational and logic thoughts matter little, because i am not a guy. i will never truly be able to confidently say what guys think or feel, because i am a girl.

so my, unfortunately circular, question to the universe… are there opposite sex friendships that can exist and last, without ever turning romantic? and either way, do these friendships affect romantic relationships of the future?

all these wrong conclusions that leave you alone, how could everyone rearrage, how could everyone else have changed, what i see… i believe…