so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information.

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this.

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right.

and i teeter between thinking this is just a way to dig ourselves deeper into dating/relationship purgatory and thinking that it’s healthy to play the dating game and it’s ok to know that someone is not the ‘one’ and keep dating them. so i was talking to a friend of mine who is on a dating website. and he is most certainly in the “i don’t want to jump into anything serious again but i do want to meet a cool girl that i don’t have to see everyday but i can see whenever i want that is hot and wants to hook up with me even when i only see her every two weeks but i want to be able to meet other girls too and not feel bad but really if the perfect girl came along i would totally snap out of this and do things right” stage. yes, i clearly have an opinion about this ;). but we were talking about a girl he met and went on a date with and he was like “i dunno, she’s well… nah, it didn’t work.”  i reply, “well what was one thing?” him, “she so didn’t look like her picture.” and we got into how it sucks because there are some really cute girls on the site smiling/poking/winking (or whatever flirtatious nonverbal movement the site uses) but it’s annoying that they want to email for like two weeks. and ask how many siblings he has, and what are his hobbies and blah blah blah. and i’m going to go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt that he finds this annoying because he would just rather go on a date to find these things out (the things i do to protect my boys from my own criticism). but thinking back to his “she didn’t look like her pictures” comment made me realize something. he was most certainly NOT looking for what they are looking for. someone to date. he was looking for above super crazy unrealistic perfect guy situation girl.

where am i going with this. somewhere, i promise. so, this morning, while reading said comment on my last post it hit me. the things we find out from these social media sites are exactly the things that my friend was annoyed with having to discuss in email. the things that DO matter in a relationship. similarities, and interests, and hobbies. so this is good. but what really matters, is that, oddly finding out about someone, or ‘meeting’ someone on these social media sites slows things down immensely. you’re not fighting off your attention needing hormones and liquid courage induced flirtations.

i don’t know rickt (in all traditional senses of the word know). but somehow, based off of mutual interests and ‘getting to know’ each other via communication (!) we have created some sort of genuine connection. that had nothing to do with seeing each other across the bar and wanting to go home that night. woah. there’s hope after all!

maybe i can chalk up my self sabotage talk to my newness of fully embracing the techie world. back in the midwest my accountant, PR, sales, and other non internet/computer based career friends and i thought we were being stupid and embarrassing to talk about someone’s myspace and facebook profiles (and, no, they don’t even know of twitter) in public. and there’s still a part of me right there with them, even with all the life style change i’ve embraced over the last three months. yet, they are still on myspace and facebook because, yea, it IS our life now.

so thanks cali, for keeping it honest. duh, we all use social media sites. maybe my seeing it as self sabotage is a bit of midwestern induced embarrassment for living my life so entwined in the interwebs and not IRL. but, as “i <3 my internet friends” solidifies… what’s so wrong with that? connection is connection. and let’s be honest, no matter how we go about dating… it what we are all really after.

and i don’t think i’m better than you
but i don’t think that i’m worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it become one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life).

so here’s the trouble. social media has screwed this up. what i seem to find myself doing is ‘liking’ someone based on things that i found out about them on the interwebs. i explained this before but its like i’ve got this idea of an awesome guy in my head (you know those stupid little list things like loves riding his bike, wears chucks, likes music, geeky sensitive, loves coffee and ice cream- the superficial norms : ) and i find out via socail media sites that he likes these things and i begin planning the wedding. ha. but, really, i have decided that i like him already. based on things that i can check off, not feelings or connection. so i’ve now committed to liking him based off of the one way gathering of information.

i’ve addressed some of the many things wrong with that already. but heres where it really disrupts the healthy dating game. so, i already know i ‘like’ you. and you’re perfect for me. we’re perfect for each other. and all i have to do is convince you of that. so when we are IRL (in real life) and we should be getting to know each other, in my mind i already know everything i need to, and my main focus is on trying to get you to like me. all my energy is spent hoping you like me back, focused on getting you to be into me. and then if you don’t- yep, rejection. even if it is not public. it sucks. and then i’m mad at myself for spiraling into social media obsessiveness and liking and it was all one way and basically false!

so i guess, the next logical step to fix this is- duh, steph- have some  self control. don’t stalk him on the interwebs. but come on. the concept of self control was invented before the internet. and it’s just so easy to find yourself spiraling. because, well… its romantic. wouldn’t it be great if he fits all these box checker qualities AND we have a connection. it would be purely romatical. and perfect and lovey.

so yea. my conscious effort to not tell people when i like someone allows me to process my liking, make sure it is something i want to pursue – not just a crush. and keep some dignity if it turns out he doesn’t like me. this dignity positively influencing my morale in the dating game. all encouraging me to try try again. but here i am, using social media as some intense form of self sabotage.

as a good friend of mine reminds me- sometimes i need to get a grip. the thing about self control is that, uh, it’s not easy. but nothing worth anything ever is. so from here on out. self control it is. i’m saying it out loud. hold me accountable, friends.

he said, “it’s all in your head” and i said, “so is everything,” but he didn’t get it.