did i ask you for attention, when affection is what I need.

attention. it is a basic human need. physical and emotional, attention serves many different purposes in our everyday lives. as adults, it makes us feel recognized, understood, listened to, cared for, important, validated, worth something.

but attention plays many different roles in our lives, depending on what stage we are in. it is also exhibited in vastly different ways throughout the different times in our life.

at infancy, attention is human touch, feeding, shelter, etc. during childhood attention is being listened to, and given boundaries, and being formally taught information. and then there’s adolescence. in adolescence, attention is what gets us through those testing and awkward times of growing and learning through experience, trying and making mistakes, or succeeding. it gives us confidence to wake up and keep going. even though everything is telling us that it is too hard. and since adolescence is so difficult, the previously acceptable levels of attention that we received from our parents throughout childhood really don’t cut it anymore. so our needs meeting mechanisms kick in and create ways to get us as much attention as we possibly can. enter the annoying attention needy behaviors so easily identifiable in teenagers’ actions.

well, the majority of teenagers that make it out of adolescence alive move into another stage of life where attention is needed and demonstrated in a different form. this usually moves into physical and sexual attention. then it transforms into emotional attention. and, ideally, when we find a person that meets out physical and emotional attention needs we usually make some sort of commitment to that person, formal (marriage, if legal, ugh.) or informal (long term relationship, living together).

once we move out of the “get it at all costs, from any and everyone” attention neediness phase of adolescence, attention becomes a commodity. and to get it, you must (should) give it. hence actual relationships. the giving and receiving of multiple forms of attention. commitment to give to someone with the expectation that you’ll also receive. usually, if in an adult relationship one gives more attention than receives (costs/output outweighs the benefits/gains), there is some form adjustment in the relationship to fix this. hopefully in the form of open and honest communication of needs and mutual agreement to work at equal levels of giving. to survive, a (healthy) adult relationship must must must have two way giving of attention to meet each other’s needs.

where the hell am i going with this? right here.

much like in my one way relationships theory, social media and social networking sites are messing with naturally created mechanisms that foster healthy and sustainable relationships.

essentially, social media sites provide an avenue for receiving immediate and instant attention. and as all of us longer time twitterers, or facebook status users can attest to, the feeling like someone is always there listening, caring, and paying attention (giving us attention) is addicting. why is it so addicting? because, theoretically, as an adult we no longer need to give attention to get it. now you may believe that by following others’ status and goings on we are giving attention back. but i will argue that really it is just a passive act of being present on the site that ‘gives’ the attention. therefore it does not take effort or energy. (and you may WANT to give attention to friends and followers, but the act is not necessary)

in principle, this is what we call a win-win. i feel like i am listened to, and cared about, and validated without you having to do anything but be technologically present. and vice versa. so what is the problem in my crazy head, you ask?

the problem is that this immediate and instant attention gives us a false understanding of reasonable levels of attention giving and receiving in our real life romantic relationships. and the more followers on twitter that we have, or the more friends on facebook the more easily attained the attention and the more skewed our view on mutually acceptable levels of giving attention.

here is a blatantly explicit example:
gina (i honestly don’t think i currently know any ginas so this choice of name is to show that this is a completely hypothetical example) is a smart and very attractive woman. she is also very successful in her career, volunteers at the local homeless shelter in her spare time, and models for an organization aimed at breaking stereotypical norms of beauty (though, she is classically beautiful). on top of all of this, she is an entertaining and articulate writer and runs an engaging blog. now… gina clearly has a lot of followers on twitter (i use twitter here because following can occur one way, where as other sites require mutual relational agreement). she is what i would call one hell of a catch. people want to know what the pretty, successful, do-gooder is up to at all times. so they follow. and she engages with her audience (strategic use of the word, yes.) by asking their opinion on which new ipod she should get, or encouraging them to donate to her favorite charity. she is lively and entertaining.
well gina meets a boy in her city that she really likes. so they go on a few dates. and begin getting a little more serious. after a while they become exclusive and things are going well. then gina and boy reach their first ‘we care therefore we fight’ argument.
boy had some friends come in from out of town last minute and needed to postpone plans they made to go to the movie she’s been dying to see. boy explained that his friends were only in town for one night and he really wanted to see them. he promised to go to the movie the next night. gina was so disappointed that she tweeted out to see if anyone wanted to go see the movie with her. she many responses and ended up going with a guy that had been following her blog and on twitter for quite a while.
boy was then upset that she went out with another guy. she explained that she didn’t think that he had any right to be upset, since he broke the plans with her. and they ultimately broke up.

here we have it. the unconscious inequity of the give and take of attention in a relationship. the relationship ended because gina didn’t want to give (understand boy’s situation) as much as boy needed, so she tweeted out that she needed a companion to the movies (attention) and immediately got what she wanted. thereby, completely enforcing in her brain that she was not out of line wanting boy to spend the evening with her. and proving that if he wouldn’t give her the attention she desired that someone else would.
at this point, gina had no need to have to give attention (understand her boy’s request) to actually get it.

obviously, this was all unconscious. but see how easy it is to get addicted to an unrealistic amount of constant and immediate attention?

this constant availability of ‘free’ (no need to give to get) attention is defying the very mechanisms in our brain that encourage, foster, and regulate healthy relationships.

and this is all happening without thought.

leading me to the ever present, ever appropriate question….so, what now?

keep doing it wrong, keep singing along.

it’s funny. ten days from now will mark my one year san franniversary. one. whole. year. one year since i left everything i loved in search of adventure, newness, and ultimately, love.

and here i am. one year later. coming down from the whirlwind that was the last 12 months. but there is something funny about where i stand right this moment in life. people ask how in the world i moved across the country to a city where i knew no one but the person whose couch i would be living on (whom i had previously met only twice before.). how did i meet people? was it hard? how did i quit my job and leave all security? how could i afford to be unemployed for months and months? wasn’t it scary not knowing anyone? and when asked these questions i would answer in the only way i knew how – no it wasn’t scary. i felt like it was something i had to do. meeting people came oddly easily (and hell have i been lucky with the friends i’ve come up with so far). being unemployed was difficult for what it was- unemployment in a recession.  but it was exactly what i needed to do for me.

so here i am, in the come down period. the settled in my own apartment working for the number 3 best fortune 500 company to work for with a great group of friends and stability period. but, well, here’s the thing. stability isn’t something i really place much value on in my life. cause in the last month, the most stable and unwavering month in the last 12, i’ve been in a rut. many things have contributed to this down period in my life. a few of which i have now identified and of which i will proceed to give you a detailed description.

as you can see in my archives, sf different from chicago. different from everywhere. in so many ways. and i have had to navigate these foggy bay waters by using the only method i know- talking about my experiences. and gathering perspective. and as often is the case, sometimes an outside perspective can be much more insightful, understanding and um, validating. this past weekend i got all of those things after a long and grounding conversation with a friend that was in town visiting. he and i talked… and he ‘got it.’ whatever ‘it’ is about sf that makes me feel like i am on a roller coaster riding the peaks and valleys of life and love in this city.

san francisco: the social experiment of the nation (i absolutely cannot take credit for the most brilliant analogy this side of the mississippi, for @ryanmcminn is the genius that helped me articulate this theory.) san francisco is filled with some of the most brilliant and innovative people in the world. we (and i say we not to call myself brilliant but a) to not point a finger, and b) for sake of ease) are socially five years ahead of everyone. i mean come on- every social networking site is based here. we get to test the new hot site, adopt it, obsess over it, and ultimately affect our relationships in a zillion ways we do not care to contemplate before smothering every part of our lives with it. all before oprah’s done any endorsing. because by the time anything has oprah’s stamp of approval we, the proud citizens of san francisco, have participated in the clinical trials. allowing the founders of the new and innovative social networking site to adjust for optimal performance. thereby making it usable for the everyday non san franciscan american.

so here is what i have found. about me. about my friends. about my dating life. about living in one big social experiment. i let myself slip into this weird isolating place of social awkwardness. i met this amazing group of friends and i got to know them, and showed them who i was. and became close with all of them. all of which was followed by following them on twitter, and becoming friends on facebook, and seeing what they chose to tumble everyday, and you know… participated in the trials. so i was seeing my friends all the time when i was unemployed. for the obvious reason- i had a lot of time on my hands. but also, because an important part of successfully moving across the country is building new relationships and that takes effort. so i put in all this effort. and made a huge group of amazing friends.

and then i got a job. a job where i defy all san francisco logic daily- i get to work before 7am. thus putting the ca bash on the very alcoholcentric weekday social life i had grown accustomed to. which is fine. i like my job. though, unconsciously more than my foursquare check ins and alcohol consumption levels were dying. so was the authenticity of my relationships with my friends. but i had no idea. because i was following their every move on twitter and facebook. cause they are my friends, and i genuinely cared about what they were doing. and if i couldn’t be there to experience it with them cause i had to rise at 5:30am, then i’d ‘follow.’

but i got to the point where i stopped wanting to make the effort to go out to meet people, even when it did fit into my schedule. i stopped wanting to make the effort to go hang out with my friends. what? i mean, that doesn’t make sense. but i began to focus on how awkward it would be to see them and have nothing to talk about. and why wouldn’t i have anything to talk about? because i’ve been following their lives digitally, and them mine. and i ‘knew’ everything they were doing… so there wouldn’t be anything new to talk about. because seeing my friends at the bar turned into seeing passing acquaintances. by following their every move online i was taking the connection out of our friendship. i was going through the motions. and i found myself with all these good friends that TURNED superficial because of social media sites.

this is the opposite of what people usually talk about when they talk about ‘friendships’ on the internet. they say, “do you even know those hundreds of people you are friends with on fb, or following on twitter.” “you can’t know them all, those must be superficial relationships…” well. i did know them. and had the false sense of continued friendship when i stopped seeing them in person because i was seeing them online.

so, for a million reasons i took some time off from the digital. and reevaluated my life in the analog. hence the 6 week long posting hiatus here. and here is what i’ve come up with:

i like my friends. i like them IN PERSON. and i like TALKING to them about what is going on in their life. not (just) reading about it online. i don’t care if i have to hear it twice.

also, i thrive on meeting new people. i am at my best in any relationship before twitter handles are exchanged and facebook friendships accepted. because connection and common ground are being sought… not merely maintained.

and as for my dating life. i need to keep it analog. i need the energy and excitement of face to face connection. i need to have no idea what you did all week because i want you to TELL me about it. i don’t want to read it. believe it or not, i want to TALK with my friends. and potential boyfriends (uh, what are those again? yea, that is the status of my not so love life).

so. here it is. a million aggregated thoughts on where i’ve been the last 6 weeks, how i got there, and where i am going from here on out.

system reboot in three…two…one… now.

and the news reports on the radio
said it was getting worse
as the ocean air fanned the flame.
but i couldn’t think of anywhere  would have rather been
to watch it all burn away.
to burn away.

there is a black hole at the center of the universe, its gravity is strong and it’s pulling everybody back in, but we’re trying to escape it, trying to escape inevitability

recently i wrote about my fear of the emotional sneak attack. that moment where something from your relational past sneaks up on you when you least expect it and emotionally breaks you in half all over again. something that was difficult for you to process the first time. something that you think you have moved past. something from which, because of its intensity, you are proud and fulfilled to have moved on.

and that post was most certainly written about one situation in particular. and right on key, when i least expected it, i was sneak attacked by a completely and totally different emotional situation. (right on key because the previous writing/awareness of the fear of the specific situation before alleviated the possibility of the attack).

(sorry in advance for the presence of the relational schemas developed from my ex in recent posts, but i’m processing dammit ; )

i guess i’ll explain the relevant schema and then the recent sneak attack and then. i dunno. maybe just telling someone(s) will just help me release it.
my ex was private. and had a laundry list of crazy ex girlfriends. (i know what you’re thinking, i may be crazy, but i’m normal crazy. i just analyze my own shit a lot). and these crazy ex girlfriends would use every bit of information they could to manipulate and use him. also, his parents were very smart psychologists always probing into his personal life. therefore, he was very very private. even when he needn’t be. and towards the end of our relationship thefacebook became a very popular past time of post college grads. and an even more popular past time of my second job out of college desk sitting position self. and then came myspace. and he refused to be a part of this web 2.0 phenomenon. all while relentlessly making fun of me for my involvement with such interwebness. which was fine. and i had the occasional photo of us posted, and said i was in a relationship in my profiles, but i was never that girl that had a gazillion photos of me and my boyfriend up and blah blah (probably because he would never allow it, and i did respect his privacy).

so we dated very seriously for a few years, and (shortly before our breakup) he caved and created his own little space on the net. and i was excited to welcome him to that addicting world of social media. and i saw that his profile said single. and i asked him about it. and he said that he didn’t specifically choose that, and that it must have been the default. and i said, “oh, well then change it silly.” and that was enough neediness (after years of dating) to send him the opposite direction and refuse to change the relationship status because he, “was in fact single, because he was not married.” and then i added him as a friend (duh) and he refused to accept it. saying that it was personal. and that i was part of his everyday life enough. that he didn’t need me snooping into his life (assuming that i would strategically write all over his comments and photos to mark my territory, even though i didn’t keep so much as a hair brush at his house after two years in fear that he would think i was marking my territory). needless to say that was pretty close to the beginning of the end. we broke up a few months later. and then a few months after that, not able to let go of the connection, became best friends again. so i tried again. sent that myspace friend request assuming that he understood that we were broken up and his life was his life and if i did find anything out on is page that was romantically personal that he knew that it was, consequently, my issue to work through. refused. again.

and there we were. best friends again. but he stood strong on not letting me into that part of his life. well, obviously, i unconsciously developed a few relational schemas as a result of this steel wall he put up. and most of those i have worked through. 1) understanding that i am NOT the needy and crazy girl he often unconsciously treated me as, 2) that i do not need someone in my life that does not understand that i don’t snoop on people i care about because i assume that out of mutual liking for one another we are open with each other (read: would not be ashamed of being my friend on facebook, and would like when i commented because it was not strategic, just friendship), 3) that some people have a skewed sense of self importance and believe that other’s live breathe and die to know their personal business when this is not the case in reality (read: sometimes, no matter what i do, some people are going to ascribe meanings to my actions that have nothing to do with what i did or my intent), and 4) (the one i was sure that almost 3 years later i had processed and released) that anyone worth caring about in my life will understand me, or try to, and openly care about me in return, and if they do not then it is not someone i need in my life (read: i am NOT inadequate to be in their life).

so, 3 years later he is now on facebook. i know this because i am friends with his best friend, his little brother, his sister, his brother in law

(and so forth) and when they added him as a friend it showed in my feed. and since we talk regularly, and most certainly consider one another friends (not best friends since we moved to opposite coasts), i added him as a friend. the personal message reading, “welcome to the dark side.” and then i call him to see how his thanksgiving was. and he’s tired and hungover and being overly mean to me in the wake of his crankiness. and i say, “oh! hey! i’m your facebook friend now! accept me :)” (i added the smiley cause i was smiling and light hearted while speaking to him). and he says, “no way, rub (his nickname for me).” and i say, “what? why not silly?” and de ja vu, i apparently became clinically crazy thinking this time i would get a different result from the same behavior. 3 years later. thousands of miles away. a million positive life and emotional changes (on my part) and he still thinks that being my friend on the internet is different and

more dangerous than in real life. i had lunch with his mom this week while in detroit. that is how much we are still in each other’s lives. we talk regularly, once every week or two, and i believe still genuinely care about one another. and here i am RATIONALIZING MY POSITION IN HIS LIFE TO TRY AND EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY for not being able to be his freaking facebook friend. i was affected for a good portion of the day after our conversation. it was a sneak attack. something of which, especially in the web2.0geekloveworld of SF, i had rid myself. the fear that someone does not understand the purpose and function of social media sites and thus projects those misunderstandings onto my actions, making me look and feel stupid.

so here i am. BLOGGING about it. to people that get it. possibly it is rationalizing, but i believe it is more an act of reaching out to a community that understands me and asking for support and assurance that this is not me. i am not inadequate.

i thought i saw somebody drowning in the crystal waters of lake michigan
i threw in a life preserver, but preservation is always only temporary
see i can offer you my hand, but i can’t save you from inevitability ]]> http://stephdub.com/2008/12/05/social-media%e2%80%99s-sneak-attack-on-relational-schemas/feed/ 0